Category Archives: Sports

Wash-Rinse-Repeat

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When was the last time you felt blah?

During the first year of COVID, feeling blah was front and center for me. But as we adjusted and things have opened, closed, re-opened-ish, the ‘blahs’ have lessened.

My oldest struggles sometimes when things are mundane. He doesn’t do well with lots of free time. He likes keeping busy and gets restless when he isn’t. He came home from school one afternoon and his mood got progressively worse throughout the evening. I asked if something was wrong, wondering if he’d had something bad happen in school with a test, assignment, or friend. “No,” he said and looked downtrodden. I gave him some space thinking it might just be a teenage thing. I know I liked my space when I was his age.

Later that evening I caught him as he was heading back to his room. “Wanna talk?” I asked, thinking he’d say no, but instead he just started talking. What was interesting is that he started talking to me from his bedroom and didn’t come back to where I was. I questioned does he want to talk? But after continuing to speak, I went to his room. “What’s going on?” I asked. “Everyday is the same. It’s wash-rinse-repeat. If this is all there is, it sucks.” I asked him some more questions to better understand what was causing him to be in this funk and boredom seemed to be the answer. What I found curious is that he had many other things he could do to keep himself occupied (work on projects, get ahead on homework, connect with friends), but he was choosing to be bored and bummed about it.

Of course, as a parent you want to help your child so I made suggestions, tried to get him to rethink boredom and the gift that it can be, and ensure he was okay. It was clear I didn’t have the answer.

I know there is much to be gained by your child learning to deal with occasional boredom. I am like my son in that I don’t like being bored either, but not because of not having anything to do (that part I like). It’s this feeling of, if I’m not doing something than I’m wasting my time/not being productive, and if I’m not being productive, I’m not contributing anything of value, and if I’m not contributing something of value, than I’m wasting precious time. I have to catch myself when I think or feel this, because it’s counterproductive. If you are productive all the time, you’ll burnout or worse.

I drove my son to school the next morning. “Anything of interest happening today at school?,” I asked. “I’ve got a test, but otherwise it’s nothing new. Wash-rinse-repeat.” I asked him if he felt like he was being challenged at school thinking this might be contributing to him being bored. “No, if anything I’m too challenged.” Okay, so school is keeping him engaged that’s good, I thought. Still trying to offer something to help I pivoted to what has served me well for most of my life…noticing your environment and the beauty around you. I offered him a suggestion. “I know you feel like each day is the same, but try to find something new around you. Art on the wall, a bird outside. Just pay attention to what’s around you and see what happens.” He thanked me — whether he was appreciative or subtly letting me know he was “good” and didn’t need any more Mom intervention is unclear. 😊 Regardless, I do hope he can see life for the gift it is, and realize being busy has its place, but stopping and periodically resting (doing nothing) is valuable too.

How do you help your child when they are in a funk? How does your child deal with boredom?

Going for the Win

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Do you get nervous before performing — running a race, speaking or singing in public, etc.?

My oldest started a new sport that runs through winter. He went in with the mindset he wanted to take advantage of the conditioning and practice as a good way to stay in shape. He has decided that he will give competition a try. He is nervous, and knows he has much to learn to get good at this sport.

I picked him up following practice one day and he shared he was going to compete. The tone of his voice indicated he believed he’d lose, and the loss would be painful. I attempted to get him to see it from another point of view. “What level would you say you’re on for this sport?” I asked. “Zero,” he replied. I laughed, “I’d say you’re at least at a 1.” I paused before continuing, “You are still very new at wrestling. You may get pinned very quickly, but winning for you, at this point, is learning something new from the match that you can apply going forward. That’s your win. And if you agree with that, there’s no way you can lose.” He sat and thought about what I said, and nodded as if he understood.

Trying new things is hard, and scary. But the growth and insight we gain around our abilities and what’s possible is the reward. Losing never feels good, but what if you grow and become better. Isn’t that a win? I think so, and hope my son does too.

How are you helping your child find the wins in new situations?

Jealousy

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Have you ever been jealous of someone else?

It’s a rhetorical question. Everyone experiences jealousy at some point. My oldest’s thinking on his athletic capabilities is being challenged this year in new ways. Where he once was confident, he’s now unsure. Who he is, if he isn’t strong athletically is depressing him, and his outlook for what the future holds. As a parent it is heartbreaking and scary to watch (how can I support him best? Get him out of this funk? Help him see he is way more than what he’s athletically capable of).

After a game, he got in the car and said, “I suck.” He proceeded to talk and talk. He is normally not much of a talker, so the fact that he was talking let me know he needed to. We got home and sat in the car talking for almost another hour. It came up that not only was he feeling bad about himself, but also envious of others — a peer, in particular, who is gifted athletically without having to put much effort in. “This isn’t even the sport he loves, and he’s a starter every game.” I attempted to help him see things from another point of view, but he wasn’t fully listening. He had dug in on the situation being dark and hopeless for him. I worried going to bed that night — would he be okay?

The next morning, after a good nights sleep, he came out to where I was. I shared I’d like to talk with him a little more whenever he was ready. I thought he’d delay the conversation but asked for a minute and then asked what I wanted to talk about. First I asked him if he was feeling any better and he said he was. Phew! I said, “ There’s two points I didn’t make last night, that I think are important. One, things feel really intense right now. You’re 15, you’re going through puberty, you’re still growing, trying new things, and everything can feel really intense,” he nodded in agreement, I continued, “things will get better. If I could go back to my 15 year-old self, I would tell her to be a lot kinder and to not take things so seriously. The second thing I want to talk about is jealousy. We all experience it. You need to understand that while you’re jealous of others, others are jealous of you — for reasons that are out of your control — you’re tall, math comes easily to you, you don’t want for anything. You may think ‘that’s crazy, no one would be jealous of me’, but I’m telling you it’s the truth. Remember that. Your friend can’t help he’s athletically talented. That has more to do with the genes he was given from his parents than anything else. He can’t help that. Just like you can’t help that you’re tall, or good at math, right?” He nodded. “That’s all,” I concluded. “Thanks, mom,” he said. Then we sat and watched a game together on TV. He seemed calmer and more at peace. I hope that is the case.

Has your child experienced jealousy? How have you helped them come to terms or work through it?

Winning and Losing

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How do you handle wins and losses?

Our oldest dressed for his team’s game and watched as they went up by many points. Early in the second half it looked like a potential blowout. But the other team kept playing, our team made mistakes, confidences got shaken, and what should have been a blow out ended up with the opposition winning soundly. It was a tough night.

The next morning after a good nights sleep washed most of the sting of the loss away, my son and I talked about the game. “Any thoughts on yesterday’s game?” I asked. He was quiet for a few moments. I couldn’t tell if he hadn’t heard me or was thinking about his answer. Just as I was going to ask another question he replied. “You know, I’ve been thinking about what my soccer coach in elementary school used to ask us after a loss — did they win, or did we lose? — I think we lost yesterday.” Whoa, I thought, that was profound. He’s really thinking about this at a deeper level, and processing what happened. I agreed with him on them losing. He talked for a few minutes on his view of why the loss occurred and what he’d fix if given the chance (plays he’d run, positions he’d have switched out to keep everyone with enough energy to play their best, etc.). He talked like a mature adult, with great leadership potential. I was both a little surprised and very impressed. I was reminded he is 15, a young man, stepping out of the shadow of his younger self. Gulp! Time truly is going fast.

Winning feels good. Losing doesn’t, but you learn so much more when things don’t go as you hoped or planned. You learn about yourself – what you’d do differently and improve the next time, and others – what’s within your control (not much) and what isn’t — and how to digest the pain in a way that helps you process the situation and moves you toward positive personal growth.

How do you help your child when they lose? How are you helping them see the upside of not winning, and the opportunity for growth?

Fundraising

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What has your child had to fundraise for?

I sold cookies, candy bars, a game of Monopoly based on our local town, and wrapping paper to fundraise growing up. I asked for sponsorship in walks, runs, and other physical feats to raise money to fund trips (camp, mission trips, school outing), or a good cause (awareness, research, prevention). While all things needed the money I never felt comfortable doing it (particularly when I sold things no one wanted, like the Monopoly game based on my local town).

Fast forward to present day, my son has been asked to raise money for his sport. The funding will help pay for equipment, uniforms and other things the staff and team need. They are asking each child to send out an email to 20 people they know (family and friends) asking for financial support. In normal times I would most likely be okay with this, however, with COVID and how it has impacted so many, not to mention what seems like non-stop natural disasters (flood, fire, hurricane, etc.) everywhere you look, it doesn’t feel right. I get the program needs the money. I also get that the staff are underpaid and don’t have the extra money to cover (nor would I expect them to) the costs to fund the sports program adequately. My son and I discussed.

“You know you’re supposed to be asking others for money for the team?,” I asked. “Really? No one said anything,” he shared. I explained that the parents had received several notices and that he had to set up a page and it tracked how many people they sent the solicitation out to (by # of unique emails, and by unique donation). There were prizes he could win if enough individual people donated. I then shared my discomfort with him doing this due to COVID, and so many hurting. His father and I could make a donation to hopefully cover what was needed from him. He said he agreed. I’m sure he felt relieved he wouldn’t have to ask others for money as well.

Raising money is something we all do to help fund the underfunded or good causes. It can be uncomfortable but rewarding when we see positive progress, or outcomes. Did our son miss out on an opportunity to learn the pros and cons of fundraising? In this scenario, yes. But he has fundraised before selling pumpkins, and Christmas trees, so he knows what goes into raising money including hard labor, selling a product, and helping give the customer good service so he increases his chances of a return (happy) customer. He’s even shared that it felt like they really earned the money when they raised it this way.

Solicitation for fundraising is an easier way to bring in money for a cause, but can also be oh, so uncomfortable. Am I missing out on an opportunity for my son to learn life lessons by not having him participate, possibly. But our hope is that he’ll be on the team in future years and we can revisit fundraising this way hen it feels more appropriate (more people are doing financially better).

How does your family handle fundraising requests? How do you handle any discomfort with asking or being asked?

Needs, Wants, and Priorities

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When did your child last tell you they had a need that really wasn’t one?

My oldest loves sports, and has been excited to start training for the upcoming Fall season with his team in advance of school starting. He also is in Scouts and has had a outing planned that overlapped with practice. You can imagine what happened.

Because of COVID and the uncertainty of what play would be allowed and when, there was little communication to the families around practice and when it would take place. My son’s troop had booked their Summer trip in the Spring allowing for everyone to get vaccinated before the trip. The troop was very successful in 2020 selling pumpkins and Christmas trees, so they could afford to fly to their destination (which is a big deal. They’ve always driven before). My son was excited for the trip, but hated that it would overlap with his practice. “I’m letting my team down,” he said one evening. “Would you feel like another team member was letting the team down if they went on a scheduled trip and couldn’t go to practice?” I asked. “Yes, I would,” he said, paused then responded, “okay, no I wouldn’t.” He grimaced (he really doesn’t like it when my husband or I are right, or make a good point). 😊

As the trip neared, his desire to not let his team down (real or perceived) amplified. As the departure date neared following one practice he expressed his angst. “I’m just starting to get the rust off and playing good again. I want to stay for the entire practice before I leave but I can’t because the troop has to get to the airport four hours before the flight leaves. It’s ridiculous.” I asked, “have you talked to the Scout Master to see if we can bring you to the airport to meet them?” “I did,” he said, “but I got a ‘why don’t you just leave practice early’ response.” He continued. “I mean, the Scout Master just doesn’t get it. I have needs. I need to practice and be with my team, why can’t he think about my needs?” I had to suppress a chuckle. I gave him a minute to calm down. “You know the Scout Master has to coordinate everything for all you kids. There are a lot of logistics involved and if he starts bending to various needs it makes his job a whole lot harder. I get that you don’t want to miss practice, but your needs don’t go in front of what’s best for the troop. Everyone worked hard to go, practice will be there. You’ll get caught up. You should be looking forward to this. You were until practice started.” He sighed, “yea, l guess you’re right.” We drove in silence the rest of the way home.

Your wants and needs can feel intense when you’re a teen. You want your wants or needs met now, not later. Later is forever away. Helping our son understand true priorities and what matters is the opportunity my husband and I found in this experience. Knowing what is truly important, will have the greater impact (on you and others), and making choices/decisions you feel good about down the road.

Before my son left I tried to help him reframe the situation. “You won’t remember every practice, they’ll blend together, but you will remember taking this trip. It’s something special and will be memorable.” He shook his head in agreement. It also helped that he happened to twist his ankle in practice the day he had to leave early to catch his flight, and was going to need to rest it for a few days (coincidence or fate?) . 😊

What does your kid see as a need you disagree with? How are you helping them figure out what are their true priorities?

I’ll be away next week to spend time with friends and family for Labor Day and will be back in September.

Reminiscing about the Good Old Days

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Sharing good memories with others and recalling them makes me happy.

I can remember looking forward to this when my sons were very young. What memories will we make as a family? What will be those experiences that stay with all of us?

Flash forward many years, I had to wait until my oldest was 7 or 8 before any memories started coming up — they were smaller in nature, what we did, where we were; and not until 10 or 11 before the memories started being collectively shared — memories of things we did as a family, experiences we all remember. There is a certain joy in remembering together.

We talked recently about some moves our family made over the years and how things had changed since my husband and I were first out on our own. I started, “When you moved to a new place, your first thought was making sure electricity, water and phone will be turned on, and cable is installed.” I paused before continuing, “When you move now, it would be water, electricity and the internet.” I smiled, this took us down a path of the differences between how things were for my husband and I as kids and young adults, and how things are different for our kids. We talked about when cable TV first started, how people used to watch movies at home (on VCR), how we had to use maps or an atlas to navigate getting somewhere, and how the first iPhone came out the same year my oldest was born. My sons thought this was hilarious, as did my husband and I. Our discussion led us down the path to many wonderful memories as a family — trips we’d taken, sporting highs, and much more. It was wonderful reminiscing. It took me back to the early days with my boys — wondering when we’d fully get to this point. Reflecting on the dinner conversation I’d say we’ve arrived. I so look forward to what other memories we’ll create and remember together in the future.

What are some of your treasured family moments?

Leaving the Pitch — Slowly but Surely

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My son has decided he no longer wants to play soccer.

It saddens me for a few reasons:

  • He’s played since he was three, and it’s been a joy to watch him grow while playing the sport. When he was young, scoring goals was all that mattered to him. As he grew, he no longer cared if he scored goals. He was more interested in defending the ball on the pitch, or blocking shots as the goalie.
  • He’s had great coaches along the way. He’s been particularly lucky to play with the same coach for the last five years. The coach loves the game and genuinely cares about the kids. This coach reminded me of how it takes a village to raise our children, and this coach will forever be ‘one of our village.’ It saddens me to think my son won’t continue to learn from him going forward.
  • I’m reminded that change is inevitable. Many kids start to figure out what activities they’re interested in at my son’s age. My son has shown us signs that his interest in soccer has been waning. I’m aware that another milestone is passing, my son is growing, becoming more independent, more self-aware, more confident in who he is and what he wants to experience in life.
  • I’ll miss the other parents, and the comradery. I’ll miss the cheers, the wins and loses, and watching the kids grow together. There will be other sports and other opportunities for us to connect, but this special moment-in-time is coming to an end.

My son is leaving the pitch. While I’m flooded with memories and emotions of sadness and nostalgia, my son is filled with excitement — he is at peace with his decision. He’s ready to move on. And so am I…slowly but surely.

How do you experience change when it happens in your child’s life?

 

 

March Madness

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What does March Madness make you think of?

Basketball right? I would agree with that, up until I a few years ago when I realized March is the month where a culmination of things come together: the first flowers of Spring start to bloom, time change (Spring forward), St. Patrick’s Day, and, the NCAA basketball tournaments.

As a parent, this month always seems to go by in a flash. My boys and I were just admiring the first crocuses and daffodils of the season. Every year it seems these flowers come earlier than we expect. We braced ourselves for losing an hour of the day (and how that always seems to throw off our sleep cycle for a week) when the clock jumped an hour forward last night. The kids are excited about it being St. Patrick’s Day later this week. Always a fun day for our family to wear green, dance, be silly (by doing silly dancing in our house), and hope for good luck. And last, but certainly not least, there is the NCAA Men’s and Women’s Basketball tournaments. It’s not a family affair yet, more of something I like to watch, but my son’s are starting to show some interest in so there is hope it will become one in future years.

Before I know it, March will be over and we’ll be into April with another flurry of events: Easter, Spring Break and dreams of summer will begin.

I’m doing my best to enjoy the ‘madness’ and not let it pass me by. Smell the flowers. Check. Spring forward. Check (I had no choice). 🙂 Dance a silly jig with my kids on St. Patty’s Day. Looking forward to it. And enjoy watching the basketball tournament — Bounce. Bounce. Check.

How are you enjoying March ‘madness’?  What family activities make up your March?

 

 

Competition for 1

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With the start of the summer Olympics, I’m reminded how much value we place on competition.

My sons are taking lessons this summer to help strengthen their swimming skills. My oldest shared how nervous he was prior to the first lesson. “Mom, what if I don’t do well and they send me back to the beginners class with the little kids?” I could understand his anxiety, he hadn’t really swam much since the prior summer and needed to re-acclimate himself with being in the pool. His stress waned once he started swimming and he did well enough to stay in the advance class. He wasn’t the most advanced and needed instruction from his teacher on several of the strokes, but he listened and was able to do what his teacher asked.

Before a lesson several weeks later my son once again expressed his concern. “Mom, I’m not as good as the other kids. They’re all better than I am.” I understood how he could feel this way, but thought he might be looking at this all wrong. “This isn’t a competition,” I said, “the only one you are competing with here is yourself. Instead of comparing how good you are against the other swimmers, compare yourself to how you did last week. Did you improve on any of your skills? Were you able to do something better than you did before?” I could tell I had got him thinking. “Thanks, Mom,” he said and headed off to get into the pool.

I wasn’t sure if I had really gotten through to him, or if he was saying thanks to end the conversation. 🙂 Following the lesson we were walking back home when he said, “Mom, I improved on some things today!” He was very excited, and I was too — he actually had taken what I’d said to heart. He shared how he had improved on his kick and how we’d learned how to turn his body so he could stroke and kick at the same time. He was very proud of what he had done, and so was I.

There is much competition in the world. It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others. We learn this as a child and often cling to it as an adult as a measure of our worth. Talking to my son about this made me rethink how I compare myself to others., and that life really is a competition for one.

How do you deal with competition? How are you helping your child?