Tag Archives: Teen

Graduation

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I’m struggling to grasp that my youngest is graduating from high school. I can remember when I brought him home from the hospital as a newborn thinking we’ve got the next 18 years together. There were times, particularly when my boys were little, that time moved slow. As they aged, time sped up.

What’s particularly bittersweet about this moment is the progress I’ve seen my son make over his life to this point. His autism was diagnosed around age 5, prior to his diagnosis, we’d thought he was a little quirky and possibly had sensory issues (and maybe just didn’t want to believe he had it). We didn’t know what an autism diagnosis would mean for us, because it impacts those with it differently.

He’s struggled with social cues mainly. Missing out on some potential friendships because he didn’t have the innate know-how to connect with his peers. But he’s had so many highs over the course of growing up — joining theater in elementary school put him on a path to better expressing himself, taking on leading roles and nailing it, and being quite the comedian; he went to a middle school that focused on emotional intelligence for teen boys (in addition to academics) and learned more about his feelings and others and leaned into what healthy relationships look like (thank you @join1love) and grew his confidence in being himself; he navigated transit systems locally on his own to get himself to and from school and his love of transit was born; he went to high school and continued in theatre mastering his craft by senior year; he made friends along the way; did a foreign exchange; went to prom with a girl that asked him! And took a stand for his principles with his peers in a public setting.

There is a time in your child’s life — such as graduation — when you reflect and ask yourself if there was anything you missed, didn’t teach or share, to help them as they move into adulthood. I’m sure there are things I’ve missed, didn’t teach or share, but I’m not sure I’ll fully understand that for many years. I can say my son (both my boys) have blown me away throughout this journey. Doing things I didn’t know they could or would do, initiative they took on their own, and showing their unique abilities and ways they want to navigate their life and the world.

I’ve been blessed beyond measure. This journey has been a gift. It might not have felt like it when I was sleep deprived, or disciplining one of the kids, or when the boys was unhappy with me, but I’m overwhelmed with how much this entire experience meant for me and how it shaped me and how I grew as a person and parent because of it.

My son is graduating, but I feel like I am too. My boys have finished this chapter and moving on to the next.

What does your child’s graduation mean to you?

My final post will come out next week.

Taking a Stand

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It isn’t easy to speak your mind in front of a crowd.

That’s exactly what my youngest did during Senior Speeches following his theater troop’s performances. It’s an annual tradition — they give out awards and the seniors give speeches—largely it’s about what theater has meant to them, individuals that made a difference, or a legacy they want to pass on.

My husband and I attended the awards and senior speeches in support of our son and were curious to hear what he’d have to say. Imagine our surprise when he started with, “I’m not going to do a traditional senior speech. I’m going to talk about something that’s been bothering me for a while…”. He proceeded to tell his theater peers that he was disappointed in a small group of individuals that appeared to be engaging in dangerous behavior and brag about it in the guys dressing room — mainly excessive alcohol consumption and drugs. He stated he understood that him saying this likely made him sound like an old person but he felt it was important and begged that those who were doing this (he didn’t name names) would choose a different path.

He finished and walked away. I was both proud of him and a little uncomfortable. Did he just ruin senior speeches for everyone else?

We got home and discussed what he had said. He didn’t start that day thinking he’d talk about what he did. It was only after being in the guys dressing room before their final performance and hearing some of his peers talk this way that he made up his mind. He’d seen this behavior before and this was his last opportunity to try to address it. It took guts.

I wish we’d known this was on his mind, because we could have helped his speech land in a way that might have had more of an impact. As it was, it came across as I’m disappointed in you and finished with a plea. Unless you’re someone’s kid, saying you’re disappointed in someone else typically doesn’t carry much weight (it’s usually met with indifference or I’ll show you). 😳 A friend, who was also at the speeches to support her daughter, shared afterwards that it didn’t take away from the speeches and was heart-felt. My son did have several of his peers that acknowledged his speech the following day and told him it was brave, and glad someone finally called the others out (without using names).

My son, being on the spectrum, struggles sometimes with how his messaging is received, but his heart is always in the right place. I know I wouldn’t have had the guts to do what he did at his age. Most people of my generation thought drinking was cool and the talk in the dressing room I’d guess was much more common place than it is today. Yikes!

It is never easy to take a stand. I can pretty much guarantee his speech will not be forgotten—whether because it made folks mad, uncomfortable, or they witnessed his bravery (and are inspired to take a stand of their own someday) they won’t forget it. I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t make valedictorian…I wonder what he’d say?🥰

Have you or your child taken a stand? What inspired you to do it?

Prom(ise)…You’ll Have a Good Time

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Did you go to prom?

I went to prom with a friend. I was glad I went, but the whole experience was awkward. I had no romantic interest in my date and ‘back in those days’ prom seemed to have a lot of pressure around advancing sexual relations. Ick! He was a gentleman (thankfully) and I made it through, but have been cautious about pushing prom as a thing you have to do with my boys.

My oldest went to prom with a group of friends. They spent the day together hanging out and getting ready. My sense, based on what he shared afterwards, was prom was meh, but hanging out with his friends prior was pretty awesome.

I didn’t think my youngest would go. I asked if he might want to go with his friends and he didn’t, at least not with everyone that might go in the group. He knew he’d be comfortable hanging out with his best friend, but everyone else could be a bit ‘much’ after a while. 😊

Imagine my surprise when I got a text from our son to my husband and I. He asked if we had anything on the calendar for an upcoming Saturday. I told him no, not thinking much of it. He replied, “well then, I guess I’m going to prom.” Wait. What? I thought and couldn’t wait for him to get home to tell us what changed. He shared a underclass man who’d shown some interest in my son had asked him if he was planning to go. He said he wasn’t sure and asked her if she was going. She said she wanted to go, but didn’t have a date. 😉 I can’t recall what exactly was said next but know she ended up asking my son if he would take her and he said “yes.” When I asked him why he didn’t just ask her, he said, “I thought it was important it be her decision.” 😊

Of course my son, being on the spectrum, doesn’t always catch social cues. He shared some of his concerns — wanting to spend time with his best friend while there, but not wanting to leave her out or make her feel neglected. We talked about ways he could include her and hopefully have a good experience. I reminded him that this was good dating practice and since she is a underclass man she’ll have another chance to go next year. Thinking about it in these terms seemed to reassure him it would okay.

I’ve been fortunate to have experiences I wasn’t sure I would with my kids. My son going to prom (with a date!) is the cherry on top (for now).

What unexpected experiences have you had with your kid(s)?

I will be away next weekend spending time away with family and friends and back at the end of the month.

Through a Child’s Eyes

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You see things anew through your child, right?

I know I did. Particularly when they were young and experiencing things for the first time. Seeing animals at the zoo, riding on a merry-go-round, swimming! They were all new to the kids and met with great interest.

My kids are still getting me to see things in a new light. We have taken the boys on sightseeing trips to major US landmarks over the years. Our goal was to not only educate our sons, but show them how much variety (in the ways cities look and feel, how people get around, the weather, nature, and more) there is in our country.

One trip we were fortunate enough to get a tour guide who had his PhD in the history of the city we were in and he opened our eyes to things an average tourist (which is squarely where we would put ourselves) wouldn’t know. We loved it!

My youngest also loves history and geography and studies it without any prompting. He wanted to make a return trip over his Spring Break to two major cities we’d visited prior. My initial reaction was okay, but what are we going to do the whole time we’re there since we’ve already done most everything? Of course, I shouldn’t have underestimated my son.

He had places mapped out he wanted to go. Much like our tour with the PhD guide, our son was showing us things anew — a place where George Washington gave a speech and people were so inspired they took the crowns of the top of the posts of a fence nearby and melted them down to make cannons as part of the American Revolution. The fence still stands with a plaque you could easily walk past and never realize you just walked past something with historic relevance. He had us find where molasses spilled and killed many people prior to better safety laws being in place. The list goes on one on. We didn’t visit one traditional tourist site but explored each city in much more fulfilling way. I left each place feeling like I better knew it. I couldn’t have done that without my son’s own curiosity..

What has your child helped you see anew?

Pride (and Prejudice)

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My youngest finally got a main speaking role in his high school production. Up to this point, during his time in high school, he’s had one line in a musical and always been part of the ensemble cast. He’s yearned for a lead role every year, and been understandably upset when not picked. He is a senior this year, and knowing time is limited to get roles, he was thrilled when he was cast as Mr. Collins, in Pride and Prejudice. Of course, he would have loved to been cast as Mr. Darcy, but grateful he got a role.

The show had six performances. We decided we’d see him on closing weekend. A friend, whose daughter is also in theatre, saw the show opening night. I received a text from her during the show’s intermission “Your son makes a great Mr. Collins.” I replied with a ❤️ emoji and shared we’d be seeing a later performance. I received another text from her following the show, “He had the audience in the palm of his hand. Kudos.” WOW! I thought. What a great compliment for my son (or anyone) to receive. I was bursting with PRIDE for my son, thinking of all the hard work he’d put in over the years and getting this type of recognition.

The compliment was backed up by another when my son received a senior superlative (think most likely to succeed, most athletic, best all around, etc.). When he told friends he won, they asked in what category? He asked them to guess. Two that saw the show said, “you got it for acting, didn’t you?” He didn’t, he got it for being a school history buff, but again, having both adults and your peers acknowledge your work, I’m not sure there’s anything much better. Unless, of course, he played Mr. Darcy, but I suppose that’s just his mom being PREJUDICE. 😂

When have you felt tremendous pride for your child?

Memphis

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What’s a family trip that’s stayed with you? Our family visited New Orleans, Memphis, and Chicago last year. Taking a train to get us to our destinations (of course, my youngest wouldn’t have it any other way). Memphis stood out … Continue reading →

Grown Up Conversations

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Have you had a grown up conversation with your child? It’s never easy, at least for me.

My youngest came home after seeing three short productions put on by his classmates one evening, and one particular play stuck with him. “Mom, it was about domestic abuse,” he said. “Did they show the woman getting hit?,” I asked. He shared that there was no violence throughout the play, but it was a telling of a story — that ran in The New Yorker called The Wind by Lauren Goff — of a mother and her children who attempt to flee her abusive husband, who had standing in society. Not everyone gets a happy ending.

My son had empathy for everyone in the story. He couldn’t shake the story (and the truths that the story mirrored reality for real people – male and female in these situations) he had heard. I knew I had to discuss it with him.

“Abuse is scary, and it can happen to anyone,” I started. “No one knowingly sets out to be in an abusive relationship.” I reminded him of the organization that had come to talk to him and his classmates in middle school, The One Love Foundation, and how it’s important to keep in mind what makes a healthy, and loving relationship. He agreed but was still shaken by what humans are capable of doing to one another. I’m shaken too.

My son shared he was grateful he grew up in a loving household and I echo’ed that his father and I were grateful we too had been raised in safe spaces. It hurts my soul to know not everyone gets that.

My son is an empathy with off-the-charts emotional intelligence (per my ranking scale 😉), and cares deeply about others and their wellbeing. I think the world would be a little better if we were more like my son in this way.

How do you talk to your kids about serious/grown up topics? How are you creating a safe space for them?

Crashing into the New Year

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Have you experienced a scare with your child?

I was out of town when I got a text message from my oldest, “we were in an accident.” It took me a second to register what I was reading. I knew my oldest was out of town with friends hiking and they were likely on their way back home. Was he telling me after the fact (the accident happened while they were away) or had it just happened? I texted back asking if they were okay and what happened. No response. I tried calling, no answer. I decided to try FaceTime— knowing it has a different ring and might get my son’s attention.

My question regarding timing of the accident was answered when my son answered. He had a lot of blood running down the left side of his face. He must have seen my expression of surprise and fear, because he quickly said, “don’t worry, mom, I can see fine out of my left eye.” The airbags had deployed after they hit some ice and their car spun into a snowbank and stopped after hitting the rear of a semi. 😳 My son wasn’t driving, his friend who was was hurt badly. My son kept stopping our conversation to yell to his friend not to move. It was terrifying to see my son go through this, know one of his friends was badly hurt and to be so far away. I sent him photos of insurance card and he confirmed help was on the way. I got off the phone with him and immediately reached out to my husband, who was closer to where my son was and could get to him.

The next few hours were hard. It was a waiting game to make sure everyone was okay. My son and another friend, who was riding in the backseat, were treated at the scene and dropped off at the closest exit. Their friend, who was driving, was sent to a hospital about 90 miles away. The unknown (his friend’s condition, how were his parents going to be notified, (as we don’t know them), and was everyone going to be okay) was toughest.

My husband got to the boys and was able to get them home, while their friend required to be hospitalized for a few days. My son hasn’t really wanted to talk about the accident since it happened, which is understandable, but my husband and I have told him repeatedly how glad we are that he is okay.

We can’t keep our kids fully safe, regardless of the precautions we take, or lessons we instill. They hit a patch of ice, which can happen to anyone. I was reminded of the fragility of life and grateful my son and his friends have more days ahead of them. I’m aware, that’s not always the case.

My son has a better appreciation for driving in snow and ice and the caution that’s needed. I’m guessing he’ll avoid driving in wintry conditions for the foreseeable future, which, honestly brings me some relief, though accidents can happen rain, snow/ice, or shine.

I’m reminded of how fortunate I am for every day I get with my kids, and how lucky and blessed I am to have them as we come into the New Year.

What are you thankful for as we move into another year?

Thanksgiving Traditions

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What are your Thanksgiving traditions?

We often host dinner and have family and friends join us. My husband makes cranberry sauce. It was one of the things he does that I love. I’m not sure I’d ever had true cranberry sauce before I met him. I only had the sauce from the can. 😂 The kind he makes is quite good and very popular with our guests.

I like having the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. No one else seems to care about it. The kids prefer to sleep in. I start cooking the day before and enjoy getting the house ready (great reason to clean), and enjoy the smells of everything cooking, and keep it going through Thanksgiving day. The kids will help their father with any yard work that needs to be done, and if I’m lucky, one of them may help me in the kitchen.

We do have an adult table and a kids table. We didn’t plan it that way, but my boys and their cousins prefer to eat together and then hangout vs stay and talk with the adults. Now that my boys are older, my oldest has expressed an interest in joining the adult table, which I welcome, we just have to figure out where we can squeeze in more chairs. 😊

We are very blessed, and very thankful — for the roof over our heads, clothes on our back, and for our friends and family.

What are your family traditions? What are you thankful for?

I’ll be taking next week off to enjoy the holiday weekend and be back in December.