Category Archives: High School

Second Class

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When have you felt ordinary?

For most of us it’s a majority of the time, but there are those occasions where you feel special — an upgrade at a hotel, priority lane access at an airport (or perhaps amusement park), or flying first class.

I did some travel during a Spring Break week and had many families on my flight as my destination wasn’t far from a popular amusement park. A young boy, probably 5 or so, was walking down the aisle with his mom. She was directing him to aisle 19. He asked if they were sitting in first class. He was already in the coach section when he asked this question. His mom said, “no, those are the seats at the front of the plane.” He wasn’t sure where the front of the plane was and asked if the seats were the furthest seats in the back of the plane. His mom laughed and asked if he’d remembered the larger seats they had already passed. He then asked, “are we second class?” Many of us laughed. Someone said, “it feels like it, right?” And another commented, “at least we’re not third.” 😂

We don’t often experience situations where we’re made to feel special, but even if you’re not flying first class, the fact that we can afford to be on a plane and go somewhere (for whatever reason) is pretty special.

For those on Spring Break, enjoy your adventure. I’ll be off next week experiencing our final school Spring Break and back towards the end of the month.

Finding Your Person

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What makes for a good relationship?

My youngest and I got into this topic when he expressed his interest and concern over finding a significant other.

“I’m kind of different, I think I’m going to have to take what I can get.” 😳 This was the statement I knew he and I needed to discuss further. “Why do you say that?” I asked. “Well, I’m not like other guys in my school. I’m into things considered ‘boring’ by most. And there’s so much focus on sex. I’m just not there.” First, I love how open my son can be with me (his older brother would never share this level of detail). Secondly, phew! While we’ve talked about sex and how it plays into relationships, we’ve also talked about the responsibility and repercussions of it. The fact that he seems lukewarm about it is fine by me.

I asked him who his ideal person would be, and I told him to speak his truth and not say what he thought I’d want to hear. “Well, I’d like them to share my same interests so we’d have lots to talk about.” I pushed back against this idea — “what if they shared your interests but were mean to others, would they still be ideal?” He said “no”, but countered that he could talk to them about their behavior. I pushed on this — “would you like it if other people were trying to change who you were?” He agreed he wouldn’t.

I encouraged him instead to think about the qualities he’d want in a partner — someone who is kind, that makes you feel good about yourself, inspires you to be better. I also shared while his father and I had different things we enjoyed or were interested in, there were core values and beliefs that were very similar. Our differences in interests was what made our relationship more interesting.

I’m hoping I gave my son food for thought. As a young adult on the spectrum he doesn’t always pick up social cues, but he did recognize when someone showed him interest. “She asked for my Snapchat, mom, and when I told her I wasn’t on Snapchat she got embarrassed and looked disappointed.” My son didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, but also wasn’t interested. It’s actually a gift I wish I’d had at his age. I’d sometimes let guilt (or not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings in the moment), allow me to be less-than-honest with others, which would later end up hurting them anyways and make me feel guilty for not being more honest sooner.

Finding your person isn’t a straightforward path. Every encounter or experience you have helps you get clarity on what you want in your ideal partner. That’s what I left my son with — use every opportunity to get figure out what qualities you want and need in a significant other. He’s early in his journey. My hope is he takes our talk to heart and realizes he has worth and that he doesn’t have to settle (or take whatever he can get).

How are you helping your child navigate their relationships?

I’ll be taking next week off to celebrate the holiday with family and friends and be back in April. Happy Spring!

School Vacations

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Do you take vacation during your child’s school breaks?

We’ve been vacationing based on the public school calendar for a long time. With our oldest out of the house and our youngest a senior, we’re realizing we’re nearing an end to being tied to the school calendar. Partially a relief, and the other part sadness.

We most recently drove through the southeast during midwinter break, my youngest eager to visit a part of the country he’s not familiar with. We recognize how fortunate we are that we can take trips, and while hours in the car might not sound fun to most, it was worth it — especially since my son loves history and geography. Just listening to him share bits of information along the way made the trip memorable and more enjoyable. I’ll miss how he can create interest in something or some place that might seem otherwise uninteresting.

We’re going to try to pack in as much adventure as we can before he graduates. It’s still hard to believe we won’t be tied to the school calendar much longer.

How has the school calendar changed how you vacation? What trips have been the most memorable for you and your family?

First Kiss Update

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Son proposing in school play (female character not his girlfriend) 🥰

It’s been almost 10 years since my original post, and still one of my favorites. It’s funny how kids change over the years, including their likes and interests. My son and his then “girlfriend” remain friends, but there is no longer any love interest. They do share a love for the theater – performing, writing, and directing. It’s been really neat to see them not only take on these roles, but encourage each other.

Love doesn’t always last, but it does leave an impression. My son lucked out with his first love. I hope your child did too.

I will be away on vacation and back in March.

** ** ** Original Post from 2016 ** ** **

Do you remember your first kiss?

My youngest has a ‘girlfriend’ that he’s known since kindergarten. Now, you wouldn’t know they are boyfriend and girlfriend because they barely interact with each other when in close proximity. But there are these moments when they are inseparable. It doesn’t take much, when one of them initiates doing something with the other.

There was an “engagement” last summer when, during a day at summer camp, they decided they wanted to plan out their life and make it official. Our families had a picnic to celebrate their plans. We have some great pictures of them. While their pretend ceremony was very innocent, and they posed for pictures as though they were kissing, they actually did not. My youngest was fine with this, and thought all of it was good fun.

His girlfriend moved to another school this year, so their interaction has been even less with the exception of the occasional playdate. When she last came over to play, they did what the normally do, they sat in the same room, but proceeded to read books and not actually play together. As their playdate was ending, his friend suddenly decided they needed to play a quick board game (is that even possible?) and while her mom and I allowed them to play for a few minutes, we were working to wrap it up so everyone could go home. While her mother and I were talking, the kids decided to resume their almost ceremonially kiss pose they had at the picnic. I have no idea what prompted this, as it happened so quickly. After seeing what they were up to, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but it didn’t take long to figure it out. My son went in for the kiss this time and was smiling from ear-to-ear following. It was very sweet. I was happy for him that his first kiss was with a girl he really liked. I was happy that he didn’t have to go through the fretting I did in wondering when the first kiss would happen and who would it be with. It also felt like I just passed a milestone with my son way earlier than I’d anticipated. Of course, every milestone that occurs reminds me how quickly my sons are growing up. And while things can move fast in life, I’m don’t want it to go by at such a rapid pace.  I realize this is a bit out of my control, but boy, would I love to slow down time sometimes.

How do you experience milestones with your child?
 

Pride (and Prejudice)

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My youngest finally got a main speaking role in his high school production. Up to this point, during his time in high school, he’s had one line in a musical and always been part of the ensemble cast. He’s yearned for a lead role every year, and been understandably upset when not picked. He is a senior this year, and knowing time is limited to get roles, he was thrilled when he was cast as Mr. Collins, in Pride and Prejudice. Of course, he would have loved to been cast as Mr. Darcy, but grateful he got a role.

The show had six performances. We decided we’d see him on closing weekend. A friend, whose daughter is also in theatre, saw the show opening night. I received a text from her during the show’s intermission “Your son makes a great Mr. Collins.” I replied with a ❤️ emoji and shared we’d be seeing a later performance. I received another text from her following the show, “He had the audience in the palm of his hand. Kudos.” WOW! I thought. What a great compliment for my son (or anyone) to receive. I was bursting with PRIDE for my son, thinking of all the hard work he’d put in over the years and getting this type of recognition.

The compliment was backed up by another when my son received a senior superlative (think most likely to succeed, most athletic, best all around, etc.). When he told friends he won, they asked in what category? He asked them to guess. Two that saw the show said, “you got it for acting, didn’t you?” He didn’t, he got it for being a school history buff, but again, having both adults and your peers acknowledge your work, I’m not sure there’s anything much better. Unless, of course, he played Mr. Darcy, but I suppose that’s just his mom being PREJUDICE. 😂

When have you felt tremendous pride for your child?

Grown Up Conversations

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Have you had a grown up conversation with your child? It’s never easy, at least for me.

My youngest came home after seeing three short productions put on by his classmates one evening, and one particular play stuck with him. “Mom, it was about domestic abuse,” he said. “Did they show the woman getting hit?,” I asked. He shared that there was no violence throughout the play, but it was a telling of a story — that ran in The New Yorker called The Wind by Lauren Goff — of a mother and her children who attempt to flee her abusive husband, who had standing in society. Not everyone gets a happy ending.

My son had empathy for everyone in the story. He couldn’t shake the story (and the truths that the story mirrored reality for real people – male and female in these situations) he had heard. I knew I had to discuss it with him.

“Abuse is scary, and it can happen to anyone,” I started. “No one knowingly sets out to be in an abusive relationship.” I reminded him of the organization that had come to talk to him and his classmates in middle school, The One Love Foundation, and how it’s important to keep in mind what makes a healthy, and loving relationship. He agreed but was still shaken by what humans are capable of doing to one another. I’m shaken too.

My son shared he was grateful he grew up in a loving household and I echo’ed that his father and I were grateful we too had been raised in safe spaces. It hurts my soul to know not everyone gets that.

My son is an empathy with off-the-charts emotional intelligence (per my ranking scale 😉), and cares deeply about others and their wellbeing. I think the world would be a little better if we were more like my son in this way.

How do you talk to your kids about serious/grown up topics? How are you creating a safe space for them?

Team Work (Collaboration Part 2)

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Do you work well with others?

My youngest and his co-director continue to have communication challenges. It came to a head when they disagreed on something and his peer got upset with him. As he was recounting what happened to his father and I it became clear he knew why they had been having so much trouble getting on the same page. The co-director misheard something he’d said early in the process and she thought he was deferring all decisions to her and all the responsibilities that go with them. I would have been unhappy too. She shared with my son that he would send out a list of things that still needed to be done, late at night, before he went to bed, thinking she and the cast would see the messages in the morning, but her ADHD caused her to need to respond to the message(s) and take action immediately even if that didn’t need to happen. “I feel like I’m a bad person,” my son shared. “I had no idea she was going through this. I just thought she was up late like I was and wanted to respond.”

There’s no way he could have known. Communication is complex and being open and honest isn’t always easy. We referred back to our previous discussion on this topic. “Have you had a heart to heart with her like we talked about?” we asked. His response indicated he’d hoped the problem would resolve itself. I understood. I, too, struggled with these types of conversations when I was younger. We reminded him that while they’re hard to have, once done, it makes moving forward much easier.

I’m not convinced he and his peer are on the same page still, but the show is coming up in two weeks and he knows he has to power through. At least he has a better appreciation for what his co-director is going through and can bring more empathy (which he’s good at) to how he collaborates and communicates with her.

How do you help your child navigate challenging conversations?

Parenting Stress

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How do you relieve stress?

The stress that goes along with parenting has definitely tapered off as my kids have grown — not because there isn’t stress, but because there is less to stress about specifically regarding them — do I worry? Yes. Do I wonder if I taught them everything I should have? Yes. But it’s not something I stress about. The are old enough to take care of themselves (which was a bigger stressor for me when they were younger), and any stress I feel now tends to be tied to not being in a position to help them, or concerns with their mental state when I know they’ve been hurt (relationship issues for example). Letting them know I’m there for them and hearing from them quells my stress.

The state of the world, and the state of America, causes me way more stress than my kids do. That’s saying something. It can feel overwhelming at times. My youngest has shared his stress, fear, and depression over what he hears and see in the news, and yes, I encourage him to disconnect, but world history and politics are passions for him. While he logically understands the benefit of tuning out, his interest to know what’s going on usually wins out. And so, there is stress. Again, I make myself available to him to talk. I try to remind him that things will be okay (even if I’m not sure they will). As long as he’s willing to talk about his concerns, it lets me know he’s okay. We have offered sessions with a therapist if it would help (and he’s done therapy before — we all have in my family), but for now says he’s okay.

Stress is hard. Adding parenting to the mix can take stress to another level. We have to be kind to ourselves and find ways to relieve stress in an extraordinarily stressful time.

How do you relieve stress? How do you help your child relieve their’s?

Collaboration

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Working with someone else can be challenging, right?

My youngest is co-directing a play this Fall. He is paired with a female student who has some strong opinions about what her role and his role should be. My son is fairly easy-going and while he wants to have input, and the ability to direct, he doesn’t feel strongly about her wants (total creative control, for example). 😳

My son also wants a friend of his, who has theater experience, to help them. His co-director has strong(er) feelings about this, not wanting the friend’s name mentioned in the program or really wanting them involved at all. My son tried explaining why his friend participating would be a good thing — we’ll have extra help. If one of us can’t be here, they can fill in. She pushed back. My son tried to get her to express where her hesitation came from, but she couldn’t, and could only state she wasn’t comfortable with anyone else working with them. I can see her point — she might be concerned my son and his friend would team up and leave her out, or she would somehow not be able to realize her vision for the experience, she fears she’ll lose “control”, or something else. My son, on the other hand, wants to advocate for his friend, not only because he believes his friend can contribute but is from a marginalized group, and a slight against his friend, never sits well with my son.

My son talked my husband and I through the situation during dinner. We discussed why the strain between he and his co-director could be happening, but the best way to address the situation is to talk to her. Let her know she can be honest with you, you with her, and you’ll listen. You both want the same thing — a successful show.

We also discussed how having these conversations aren’t easy, but if he can start having them now, he’ll be better prepared in the future because these situations come up throughout life.

Easier said than done, I know. Particularly as a teen. The following day he came home following play practice and we asked how it went. “Better,” he said. We asked if he’d talked to her. “Well, no, I was going to, but she was being really nice. Almost like she felt bad, and I didn’t want to bring it up since she seemed over it.” 🤷‍♀️ Hmmm. I encouraged him to have the talk with her regardless because this will likely happen again. He agreed, but said he wanted to wait until the situation arose. I understood. Having these discussions isn’t easy, even I have to muster up the courage sometimes at my age. My guess is many of us do.

Does your kid struggle being on a team, in a club, or other setting where they have to collaborate with others they don’t necessarily agree with? How are you helping them navigate the complexity that comes from working with others?