Category Archives: Appreciation

Graduation

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I’m struggling to grasp that my youngest is graduating from high school. I can remember when I brought him home from the hospital as a newborn thinking we’ve got the next 18 years together. There were times, particularly when my boys were little, that time moved slow. As they aged, time sped up.

What’s particularly bittersweet about this moment is the progress I’ve seen my son make over his life to this point. His autism was diagnosed around age 5, prior to his diagnosis, we’d thought he was a little quirky and possibly had sensory issues (and maybe just didn’t want to believe he had it). We didn’t know what an autism diagnosis would mean for us, because it impacts those with it differently.

He’s struggled with social cues mainly. Missing out on some potential friendships because he didn’t have the innate know-how to connect with his peers. But he’s had so many highs over the course of growing up — joining theater in elementary school put him on a path to better expressing himself, taking on leading roles and nailing it, and being quite the comedian; he went to a middle school that focused on emotional intelligence for teen boys (in addition to academics) and learned more about his feelings and others and leaned into what healthy relationships look like (thank you @join1love) and grew his confidence in being himself; he navigated transit systems locally on his own to get himself to and from school and his love of transit was born; he went to high school and continued in theatre mastering his craft by senior year; he made friends along the way; did a foreign exchange; went to prom with a girl that asked him! And took a stand for his principles with his peers in a public setting.

There is a time in your child’s life — such as graduation — when you reflect and ask yourself if there was anything you missed, didn’t teach or share, to help them as they move into adulthood. I’m sure there are things I’ve missed, didn’t teach or share, but I’m not sure I’ll fully understand that for many years. I can say my son (both my boys) have blown me away throughout this journey. Doing things I didn’t know they could or would do, initiative they took on their own, and showing their unique abilities and ways they want to navigate their life and the world.

I’ve been blessed beyond measure. This journey has been a gift. It might not have felt like it when I was sleep deprived, or disciplining one of the kids, or when the boys was unhappy with me, but I’m overwhelmed with how much this entire experience meant for me and how it shaped me and how I grew as a person and parent because of it.

My son is graduating, but I feel like I am too. My boys have finished this chapter and moving on to the next.

What does your child’s graduation mean to you?

My final post will come out next week.

For All the Moms

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Whether you’re a new mom, old mom, foster mom, adoptive mom, grandmom, great grandmom, mom-to-be, or pet-mom, this is your day!

You love, you give, you sacrifice because you want to. You share and care and help and guide because it’s needed. You cheer, you teach, you exclaim, you weep, because that’s what comes with the role.

To all the mothers out there, I hope you celebrate the day as you see fit — with your family, or alone or somewhere in between. There’s no judgment just appreciation on this day. Soak it up and enjoy!

Grown Up Conversations

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Have you had a grown up conversation with your child? It’s never easy, at least for me.

My youngest came home after seeing three short productions put on by his classmates one evening, and one particular play stuck with him. “Mom, it was about domestic abuse,” he said. “Did they show the woman getting hit?,” I asked. He shared that there was no violence throughout the play, but it was a telling of a story — that ran in The New Yorker called The Wind by Lauren Goff — of a mother and her children who attempt to flee her abusive husband, who had standing in society. Not everyone gets a happy ending.

My son had empathy for everyone in the story. He couldn’t shake the story (and the truths that the story mirrored reality for real people – male and female in these situations) he had heard. I knew I had to discuss it with him.

“Abuse is scary, and it can happen to anyone,” I started. “No one knowingly sets out to be in an abusive relationship.” I reminded him of the organization that had come to talk to him and his classmates in middle school, The One Love Foundation, and how it’s important to keep in mind what makes a healthy, and loving relationship. He agreed but was still shaken by what humans are capable of doing to one another. I’m shaken too.

My son shared he was grateful he grew up in a loving household and I echo’ed that his father and I were grateful we too had been raised in safe spaces. It hurts my soul to know not everyone gets that.

My son is an empathy with off-the-charts emotional intelligence (per my ranking scale 😉), and cares deeply about others and their wellbeing. I think the world would be a little better if we were more like my son in this way.

How do you talk to your kids about serious/grown up topics? How are you creating a safe space for them?

Thanksgiving Traditions

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What are your Thanksgiving traditions?

We often host dinner and have family and friends join us. My husband makes cranberry sauce. It was one of the things he does that I love. I’m not sure I’d ever had true cranberry sauce before I met him. I only had the sauce from the can. 😂 The kind he makes is quite good and very popular with our guests.

I like having the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. No one else seems to care about it. The kids prefer to sleep in. I start cooking the day before and enjoy getting the house ready (great reason to clean), and enjoy the smells of everything cooking, and keep it going through Thanksgiving day. The kids will help their father with any yard work that needs to be done, and if I’m lucky, one of them may help me in the kitchen.

We do have an adult table and a kids table. We didn’t plan it that way, but my boys and their cousins prefer to eat together and then hangout vs stay and talk with the adults. Now that my boys are older, my oldest has expressed an interest in joining the adult table, which I welcome, we just have to figure out where we can squeeze in more chairs. 😊

We are very blessed, and very thankful — for the roof over our heads, clothes on our back, and for our friends and family.

What are your family traditions? What are you thankful for?

I’ll be taking next week off to enjoy the holiday weekend and be back in December.

Holiday Cards

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Reposted from December 2014

Dear Friend,

I hope this card finds you well. Another year has flown by again… Holiday cards are nice to receive, right? I love getting cards from friends. I really enjoy getting holiday cards from friends, particularly those I haven’t seen in a while or do not speak to on a regular basis, that include details about what they’ve been up to the last year. It seems like getting details lessens every year. I can certainly appreciate how busy everyone is. There always seems to be something to do: get your child some place, get yourself some place, pick up something, drop off something, make something, do something. The list of ‘to-dos’ seems endless. Getting holiday cards done can seem like one more ‘to-do’ on a very long list. I appreciate the effort and the thought of being included on friend’s mailing list, but oh, how I miss details of what is going on in our friends lives when they are not included. I know there are many reasons why people don’t do this:

  • They don’t want to be seen as bragging (most letters include highlights vs. low lights — you see more “we took a trip to Hawaii” vs. “Jimmy’s failing math and we’re super stressed about it.” right?),
  • They don’t think others are that interested in what’s going on with them (we are, we really are), or
  • They don’t have the energy to sit down to write the letter–there is just too much to get done, and this isn’t high on the list (we can all relate to this).

Writing a letter, for my husband and I, is a good way for us to pause and reflect on the past 12 months. We are often in awe of all that has occurred–good and bad, and what we look forward to in the New Year. It feels like by capturing our experiences on paper, we’re somehow permanently entering them into our family time capsule (which is made up solely of our memory, and what we capture in pictures, and on paper). The letter is a brief snapshot in time of our family history, that without writing down on paper, we’d too easily forget. When we finish our letter, I normally experience a range of emotions from grateful to sad: grateful we made it through another year and we are all healthy, and sad that precious time has passed. A friend, this year, sent a simple fold out card with pictures of her kids and family. While it could have stopped there, she made the card even more special by adding text over each child’s picture with what everyone was grateful for. It gave me a quick sense of what the kids were into (grateful for certain toys, or their pets, friends, etc.), and that they were doing okay (when you share that you are grateful, it tells me that things must be pretty okay…it’s difficult to be grateful when you are in a low spot or something terrible has happened). She shared those details I crave. I really appreciated it.

How do you stay connected with others? What types of cards do you like to send, and receive?

I want to wish everyone safe and happy holidays. I will be taking time off and will return in January.

Dad Moments

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I told my husband, when our first child was born, he’d be closest to him since they shared the same gender. I had read that somewhere (article, or parenting book) and it made sense to me. I had most certainly looked toward my mom to guide me in gender cues and how to behave while growing up. My husband was a little surprised by my comment, not putting much thought into it prior to me raising the point, but he quickly accepted it, as he realized he’d learned gender cues from his father.

Over the years, my husband has leaned into his role, trying to set a good example for his son and raise him to be not only a good person, but someone who’s involved and contributes (in the community and beyond). It’s allowed him to have many memorable moments with our son, in one-on-one interactions — going for runs or walk together to talk “guy” stuff; involvement in Scouts, and exposing our son to the outdoors — caring for the environment while appreciating the beauty and even struggle (making a campfire, climbing a challenging trail; building a shelter); getting him involved in a local soup kitchen to expose him to others different from him — teaching compassion and empathy.

Fathers have a big impact on their children lives, regardless of gender. Being present is the present every child longs for (whether they realize it and appreciate it or not at the time). 😊

Thank you to my husband and all the fathers out there that care, are engaged, and create those moments that are meaningful and impactful.

Happy Father’s Day!

Happy Days

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What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

I like to read, but rarely do these days. For Mother’s Day I was given the day to do what I liked. My oldest gave me a book he had read and we had discussed over Spring Break. The book, Three Days of Happiness by Sugaru Miaki , is based on a young male who is given the opportunity to sell his remaining life span for money. It sounds a bit depressing, but the book makes you think about how we see life, how we approach life (compare ourselves to others, deciding life will be good or bad, worrying about what others think of you and your actions), and being truly free.

In the book, the main character pays the ultimate price in time, but understands by the end that happiness can be experienced by living completely free.

My oldest and I discussed the book after I finished reading it. It brought up topics such as how you approach life (with joy or anger or something else); living life and putting yourself out there — truly bring you; taking risks; and finding happiness as often as you can.

I was reminded of what a Lego Ninjago character (a show my boys watched regularly when they were younger), Sensei Wu said. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, and that is why they call it ‘the present.’” I loved how simple and meaningful that statement is. I shared it with my son (he had to remind me of the character’s name) as we talked about the book, and how easy it is to get caught up thinking about the past, focusing on the future, and not paying attention to the moment you are in. My advice to him, “make an effort to take it all in. The simple things — good weather, birds and nature; and the important things – health, food, safety, shelter; and the things that enrich us -family, friends and community.”

Time is our most precious asset and too often we let it slip by. How do we change that? Awareness? Intention? Or something else!

What makes you and your child happy?

I will be off next weekend for Memorial Day and back in June.

The Perfect Gift for Mom

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I saw a bit on Late Night with Stephen Colbert regarding Mother’s Day gifts. The segment showed what mom’s really want — quiet, alone time, rest. What gift allows mom to do this? Being put in a water well, where no one can find or bother her. 🤣

I craved alone time on Mother’s Day, particularly when my boys were younger, and responsibilities seemed more intense — rarely having time for a breather, respite, or relaxing (thinking it was pretty selfish of me to want any of those things). I felt guilty about wanting the alone time, but knew I needed it. Burn-out from always being “on” in those early years was rough.

Getting the gift of going to a (water) well wouldn’t have been my idea of a good time, I’d probably think “what happens to everyone if I can’t get out of here?”, 🫠 but seeing a movie, going for a walk, or just doing absolutely nothing sounded WONDERFUL.

I asked for it every year, starting in the early years, and my family knows that’s pretty much what I want every year (I don’t even have to ask).

Being a mom is challenging, amazing, and sometimes exhausting. What’s your idea of the perfect Mother’s Day gift?

Parental Support

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Who has helped you through your parenting journey?

We are fortunate to live in a part of the country that has a structured program called Program for Early Parenthood Support (PEPS). It brings together parents with newborns that are close in age (1-3 months, typically). We were able to join a group when our oldest was born.

The support we received from the official PEPS program (which, at the time, ran 12 weeks), with a moderator, topics, sometimes guest/expert speakers, and families (including babies) meeting once a week in each other’s home was invaluable. Following the program most of the parents in our group wanted to keep meeting. Just getting together, knowing we weren’t alone, having others to bounce questions, challenges, and fears set the foundation for a strong community.

Our oldests are seniors in high school now with graduation just around the corner. It’s bittersweet to realize how much time has gone by. The slowness of the early years, the angst of sending them off to school, puberty hitting, teen angst, and now coming into their own.

When we first started meeting, post program, everyone attended. We talked about the kids, because — for the most part — they were too young to know what we were talking about or in another room playing games. As they got older some of the kids connected, others didn’t. The kids would come, but you knew they’d probably rather be somewhere else. 😊 When the kids reached middle school we started to let them decide if they wanted to join us or not. The connection of this group was more meaningful to us parents, because we wanted (needed?) to talk about the kids and struggles we faced, joys we were experiencing, or things that surprised us (my kid is capable of that?!).

None of us know what our kids will eventually end up doing, where they’ll live, etc.. We know just because they are now “adults” we won’t have a say, but hopefully modeled getting support to thrive in tough environments (not sure many environments tougher than parenting). We still very much want to stay connected with this community. We’ve been through so much together.

Parental support is what gets you through the tough times and lets you know you’re not only, and you’ll figure it out. It’s those people — family, friends, doctors, teachers, coaches, mentors, that help us get through the journey together.

Who supports you and your family? Who do you support in return?

Getting and Giving — a Santa Mom confession

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Who gets the presents for your family?

If each of you buy for each other, I’m jealous. I am the chief gift buyer for holidays, birthdays, and milestones, and events. I have given my husband the responsibility of ensuring his family is cared for, and well, have taken some of that back because he procrastinates (and stresses? (though he’s never shared this out loud with me) about it). I enjoy giving. Sometime in my teen years I crossed over (from the thrill/excitement of getting a present, to experiencing the same joy /thrill/excitement giving something to others). Don’t get me wrong, I love getting gifts, but really love giving, particularly when I think I’ve found something that will be meaningful for the recipient(s).

As our boys have aged, we’ve encouraged them to give to others. They don’t necessarily have money to contribute to charities, but do have time which they donate throughout the year to a meal program that brings homeless and housed together to feed, nourish, and build community. We’ve encouraged them to give gifts to each other. Suggesting they put thought into what the other might like. There is still work to do here. 😊 Most recently they individually came to me and asked what they should get for each other for Christmas. Both boys had given me their lists back in November (they have mastered thinking through and giving me their lists😂), and when Black Friday happened I proceeded to shop. I admit I went a little overboard. When each boy asked for a recommendation I gave a few ideas, I suggested they come up with their own idea, and then after they came back asking for help, said “just tell me how much you want to spend (of their allowance or saved money) and I’ll tell you what I bought for your brother, and you can give it to them instead.” I basically became their Target. 😊

Giving is an act — of generosity, thoughtfulness, love, and so much more. You have to invest time getting and giving (whether time and effort is the gift, or something physical). Our boys have some experience, but I do hope they’ll lean into the joy of giving and maybe even find something on their own for each other in the not too distant future (this Santa Mom’s “shop” won’t be open forever). 😊

What is the best gift you’ve given or received? What is the best gift your child has given or received from you?

Enjoy the holidays! I’ll be off for a few weeks and back in the New Year!