Category Archives: Teaching

Graduation

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I’m struggling to grasp that my youngest is graduating from high school. I can remember when I brought him home from the hospital as a newborn thinking we’ve got the next 18 years together. There were times, particularly when my boys were little, that time moved slow. As they aged, time sped up.

What’s particularly bittersweet about this moment is the progress I’ve seen my son make over his life to this point. His autism was diagnosed around age 5, prior to his diagnosis, we’d thought he was a little quirky and possibly had sensory issues (and maybe just didn’t want to believe he had it). We didn’t know what an autism diagnosis would mean for us, because it impacts those with it differently.

He’s struggled with social cues mainly. Missing out on some potential friendships because he didn’t have the innate know-how to connect with his peers. But he’s had so many highs over the course of growing up — joining theater in elementary school put him on a path to better expressing himself, taking on leading roles and nailing it, and being quite the comedian; he went to a middle school that focused on emotional intelligence for teen boys (in addition to academics) and learned more about his feelings and others and leaned into what healthy relationships look like (thank you @join1love) and grew his confidence in being himself; he navigated transit systems locally on his own to get himself to and from school and his love of transit was born; he went to high school and continued in theatre mastering his craft by senior year; he made friends along the way; did a foreign exchange; went to prom with a girl that asked him! And took a stand for his principles with his peers in a public setting.

There is a time in your child’s life — such as graduation — when you reflect and ask yourself if there was anything you missed, didn’t teach or share, to help them as they move into adulthood. I’m sure there are things I’ve missed, didn’t teach or share, but I’m not sure I’ll fully understand that for many years. I can say my son (both my boys) have blown me away throughout this journey. Doing things I didn’t know they could or would do, initiative they took on their own, and showing their unique abilities and ways they want to navigate their life and the world.

I’ve been blessed beyond measure. This journey has been a gift. It might not have felt like it when I was sleep deprived, or disciplining one of the kids, or when the boys was unhappy with me, but I’m overwhelmed with how much this entire experience meant for me and how it shaped me and how I grew as a person and parent because of it.

My son is graduating, but I feel like I am too. My boys have finished this chapter and moving on to the next.

What does your child’s graduation mean to you?

My final post will come out next week.

Never Go It Alone

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I was reminded of this saying when my oldest let me know he was hiking over the long weekend. It’s a normal thing for him to do in his free time. I asked, “who are you hiking with?” Knowing he has various friends he goes on these outings with. “No one,” he replied. Gulp.

I’ve read too many stories of people hiking alone, many very experienced, who have some mishap and end up injured, and too often, dead. My worried brain went into overdrive. My son is an adult and can do as he pleases, but his frontal cortex isn’t fully formed and this decision reminded me of where his brain is in its development.

I stressed that he should always go with someone. He countered that he went on a busy trail with tons of people around. I told him, that if anything happened to him I couldn’t bear it, and then I told him I had my PhD in worrying. Doesn’t every parent? My son responded with the “ha ha” bubble. 🤷‍♀️

I shared this news with my husband and we agreed we’d talk to our son again and stress the importance of not going alone.

In life, it’s easy to go it alone — when you don’t have others who want to join in, you just want to do something by yourself, and/or you think you can (or should) do something on your own. Sometimes you have to go alone — to school, work, or an appointment. Most times, the risk is low. But going alone has its risks — like when you hike a tall peak by yourself or when you take on too much (project, work, life) and struggle or fail.

Growing up is trial by error. As parents we try to arm our kids with knowledge to make decisions that will keep them safe and allow them to lead fulfilling lives. I hope we’ve done that for our boys. Now if I could just speed up my oldest’s frontal cortex to be fully formed. 🤣

When has worry overtaken you? How are you helping your child to be safe when they want to go it alone?

For All the Moms

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Whether you’re a new mom, old mom, foster mom, adoptive mom, grandmom, great grandmom, mom-to-be, or pet-mom, this is your day!

You love, you give, you sacrifice because you want to. You share and care and help and guide because it’s needed. You cheer, you teach, you exclaim, you weep, because that’s what comes with the role.

To all the mothers out there, I hope you celebrate the day as you see fit — with your family, or alone or somewhere in between. There’s no judgment just appreciation on this day. Soak it up and enjoy!

Mom’s Cleaning Bootcamp

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My kids can clean, but it’s most often met with resistance. Particularly with my oldest.

My oldest will be moving into his first apartment in the coming weeks, and sharing the space with five friends. I told him I’d need to take him through cleaning bootcamp before he moves in — reminding him how to do tasks he hasn’t often done — scrub the sink, clean the shower, vacuum, mop. Honestly I feel we have success when he puts the sheets on his bed after they’ve been cleaned (he has no problem doing his own laundry — it’s the ‘putting away things’ that’s a challenge). 🤦‍♀️

This is one more milestone for him growing into adulthood — can he care for his space? He has never been tidy — I’ll own not forcing being clean onto him. Though my husband and I both told our kids the benefits putting things where they belong and sanitizing things or spaces that are dirty — how it makes you feel when you live in a clean space, helps deter critters and insects, and influences how others see you (right or wrong) — it seems to have had little impact regarding a change in behavior.

I can remember seeing my now husband’s house when we were dating. I was impressed he owned a home, and the space was immaculate with the exception of a coffee table with more magazines scattered across it than I had seen before. Being impressed turned to a little red flag — what was the consolidated mess about? Maybe it was an unrealized rebellion for him (having to always be clean given his time in the military), or maybe it was being tired or it just not bothering him and the way he wanted it, but it did catch my attention. I was fine being with someone who was a little messy, but a lot would likely have been a deal killer for me.

Thinking on it now, he still has a space or two that is untidy (his chair in the living room could second as a library with all the books stacked on the arms, and his chair in our bedroom — laundry central (normally what needs to be ironed)). I have my own spaces that sometimes get cluttered, but I get to a point more quickly in getting it cleared and cleaned — it just makes me feel better.

I’ll take my son through Mom’s Cleaning Bootcamp and hopefully he’ll get a better appreciation for taking care of his space while living with others. It will determine if I visit or not and my guess is he’d be good with me not coming over (potentially embarrassing him in front of his friends) regardless of how clean the place is anyways — so not sure I’ll ever know. 😂

How do you motivate your child to clean?

Parlez Vous Francais?

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I took two years of French in high school, so my answer to this question would be tres peu (very little).

We’ve been hosting a French exchange student this summer. My youngest will be leaving and going with our exchange student to France and spend a few weeks with their family soon. Our exchange student speaks very good English. Our son, who’s taken three years of French, doesn’t have a lot of practice speaking French conversationally. With our exchange student here, we thought it would be an ideal opportunity for my son to get in some practice before he leaves. My son resisted until I pushed him to try.

With the weather being nice we’ve been eating dinner in our backyard and it’s been an ideal time to get him to practice in a setting where we could encourage him. Our student encouraged our son to practice as well. “Just try,” said our exchange student, “no one cares if you make mistakes.” He’s a great kid. 😊

After getting flustered from being nervous, my son attempted to recap their day in French. Aside from inserting many “ums” (nervous habit), he tried and did a pretty good job. Our exchange student offered corrections following to help him. I reminded our son the only way you get good at something is by practicing it. He knows this as we’ve discussed it many times. He, like many of us, just wanted to be good at it without putting in the work/practice, and was a little frustrated he’d need to keep doing this every evening for the foreseeable future. I tried to gently remind him he’d be speaking nothing but French when he was there. 😊

We’ve continued this exercise each evening. I ask the boys about their day and then look at my son and say “in francais.” Every day he’s getting a little better.

How are you helping your kid practice or get experience they’re resistant to?

Sunburn Pain

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Having a sunburn is no fun, regardless of how it happens.

We traveled for Spring Break and our exchange student was excited about being in sunny weather. She asked if she could spend some time at the pool to get a tan. We gave her sunscreen, told her to put it on, and reiterated we were at the start of our trip, so if she did get sunburned it would make the remainder of the trip less enjoyable.

She laid out in the sun and proceeded to get a pretty bad sunburn. 😞 She powered through the next few days complaining about the pain (we understood), but when it still hadn’t stopped hurting once we returned home several days later, we realized it was worse than we imagined. She went to the doctor and learned she had a third degree burn in a small area and would likely have a scar (or discoloration for a while). She went from loving the sun and not being able to get enough of it, to wearing sunscreen and covering herself constantly. I hate that she had to learn this lesson, but don’t we have to learn from our own mistakes?

I know parenting teens has it challenges and getting your teen to listen to you, and/or take our advice can feel impossible. I remember hearing from MANY people how dangerous the sun can be growing up and have to admit I didn’t wear sunscreen constantly until I was much older. I see the dermatologist once a year now. 😉 It can be painful to see your child suffer, especially when it feels like the situation could be avoided.

Parenting and getting your kids to buy-in to your insights, advice, and recommendations is frustrating when they resist or out-right ignore you, but that’s how we grow (our kids and us). We can guide and do our best to protect, but in the end they are their own person who will have to learn for themselves.

How have you gotten your teen to listen to and take your advice when given?

Temptation

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How do you resist temptation?

It’s tough, right? My youngest asked for a wide-range on video game modules for his birthday. I encouraged him to limit the list (it was that vast), and instead he put them in priority order. 😂

For his birthday he was gifted money he could put towards the modules or anything else he might want. Without hesitation, he proceeded to fill up the shopping cart online with the games he wanted. I encouraged him to use some of his money now, but wait for Black Friday to use the rest in case there were discounts or coupons that might help his money go further and he could get more modules. “But what if there aren’t any discounts? I don’t want to wait.” he said. “It’s two weeks away. It will be here before you know it.” I responded. He paused for a minute, then proceeded to spend all of his money. He had folded to temptation, and I felt I had failed at getting him to have some restraint. He saw my concern, “Mom, I can just ask for more money for modules for Christmas!” 😳 He was right, but still. He also reminded me that he rarely spends money, which is true. Still, I have to revisit how we are teaching our boys how to resist temptation and make sure they have tools to help them. I’d hate for our boys to buy impulsively, and struggle to save their money and spend it wisely. Hopefully this is just a blip, and once our son gets bored with some of the games, the draw won’t be so great. We’ll have to find other opportunities to teach about fiscal responsibility too. 😬

How are you teaching your child the risks of caving to temptation, and fiscal responsibility?

Dad Moments

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I told my husband, when our first child was born, he’d be closest to him since they shared the same gender. I had read that somewhere (article, or parenting book) and it made sense to me. I had most certainly looked toward my mom to guide me in gender cues and how to behave while growing up. My husband was a little surprised by my comment, not putting much thought into it prior to me raising the point, but he quickly accepted it, as he realized he’d learned gender cues from his father.

Over the years, my husband has leaned into his role, trying to set a good example for his son and raise him to be not only a good person, but someone who’s involved and contributes (in the community and beyond). It’s allowed him to have many memorable moments with our son, in one-on-one interactions — going for runs or walk together to talk “guy” stuff; involvement in Scouts, and exposing our son to the outdoors — caring for the environment while appreciating the beauty and even struggle (making a campfire, climbing a challenging trail; building a shelter); getting him involved in a local soup kitchen to expose him to others different from him — teaching compassion and empathy.

Fathers have a big impact on their children lives, regardless of gender. Being present is the present every child longs for (whether they realize it and appreciate it or not at the time). 😊

Thank you to my husband and all the fathers out there that care, are engaged, and create those moments that are meaningful and impactful.

Happy Father’s Day!

The Test

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My youngest has been learning to drive for a little over a year. If it were left up to him, he’d never drive or get a car. He saw little value in getting a license. His father and I thought it important that he learn. “Having a driver’s license, and knowing how to drive is important.” He heard my words, but didn’t necessarily agree.

Practicing driving is nerve-racking for most parents. I desperately tried to keep my cool with him, but would occasionally (especially in the early drives) reach for the grab handle, or brace myself (maybe even close my eyes for a second?) as he drove too close to one side of the road or other, went too slow on the interstate, or struggled to change lanes with ease. I was proud that I rarely ever made an audible sound (unlike my own mom who was known for gasping, which made me more nervous, when I was learning to drive).

Our son finally got to a point where he could finally take the driving test. The first test we showed up for we learned he needed to take the knowledge test first (which we thought he’d already completed as part of the driving school classes he had taken), so we had to get that cared for. We practiced the questions night after night and a week later he took the test and passed. He was elated. Now we needed to take the driver’s test. We arrived to the appointment only to learn the evaluator was sick. He had been mentally prepared to take the test both times — aware of the importance of the test, and dealing with the nervousness you experience just wanting it over and behind you. He was disappointed but there was nothing we could do but reschedule the test.

We arrived at the testing facility. They said the test would take about 20 minutes. I found a nearby coffee shop and grabbed a drink to kill time. I was so nervous for my son. I wanted him to succeed. I knew he was prepared, but also nervous, and was unsure how it might go. I told him before the test that in the grand scheme of things the test means nothing. If he didn’t pass, we’d work on what he got wrong and he’d take the test again. It’s not like he was getting a terrible medical diagnosis or we were wondering where we’d sleep tonight, that it was just a test to prove he knows how to operate a car safely. I don’t know if it helped him, but it certainly helped me keep things in perspective.

He came back about 30 minutes later in the school car. He looked fine as he drove the car into the school garage. He came outside trying to keep a straight face. “You passed, didn’t you?” I asked. He smiled, “man, I was hoping to fool you!” His smile got as big as I’ve seen. He was so happy, tears of joy happy, relief, and pride that he had accomplished getting his license.

I was so happy for and proud of him. Being on the spectrum brought unique challenges to how he took driving instruction (particularly from his father and I), and learned how to drive, but he did it. The test seemed big and scary, but he overcame. Each success gives him that much more confidence in his growing independence. Now, if I could only get him to take the car out on his own (maybe even run an errand for mom?). 🥰

What’s a test your child experienced that helped them gain confidence from?

Getting and Giving — a Santa Mom confession

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Who gets the presents for your family?

If each of you buy for each other, I’m jealous. I am the chief gift buyer for holidays, birthdays, and milestones, and events. I have given my husband the responsibility of ensuring his family is cared for, and well, have taken some of that back because he procrastinates (and stresses? (though he’s never shared this out loud with me) about it). I enjoy giving. Sometime in my teen years I crossed over (from the thrill/excitement of getting a present, to experiencing the same joy /thrill/excitement giving something to others). Don’t get me wrong, I love getting gifts, but really love giving, particularly when I think I’ve found something that will be meaningful for the recipient(s).

As our boys have aged, we’ve encouraged them to give to others. They don’t necessarily have money to contribute to charities, but do have time which they donate throughout the year to a meal program that brings homeless and housed together to feed, nourish, and build community. We’ve encouraged them to give gifts to each other. Suggesting they put thought into what the other might like. There is still work to do here. 😊 Most recently they individually came to me and asked what they should get for each other for Christmas. Both boys had given me their lists back in November (they have mastered thinking through and giving me their lists😂), and when Black Friday happened I proceeded to shop. I admit I went a little overboard. When each boy asked for a recommendation I gave a few ideas, I suggested they come up with their own idea, and then after they came back asking for help, said “just tell me how much you want to spend (of their allowance or saved money) and I’ll tell you what I bought for your brother, and you can give it to them instead.” I basically became their Target. 😊

Giving is an act — of generosity, thoughtfulness, love, and so much more. You have to invest time getting and giving (whether time and effort is the gift, or something physical). Our boys have some experience, but I do hope they’ll lean into the joy of giving and maybe even find something on their own for each other in the not too distant future (this Santa Mom’s “shop” won’t be open forever). 😊

What is the best gift you’ve given or received? What is the best gift your child has given or received from you?

Enjoy the holidays! I’ll be off for a few weeks and back in the New Year!