Preparation

How prepared is your child to be independent?

My teens are opposites in many ways. One showers, wears deodorant, brushes and flosses without being asked. The other has to be prompted, reminded, nagged more often than not. They will take proactive action only in more extreme situations (e.g., they recognize they smell pretty bad too).

One teen can get around on public transit, without complaint. The other one prefers to be driven and picked up, and complains when these options aren’t available. 😉

Neither’s room is clean per se, but one child does put their clothes in their dresser drawers, and has made their bed more days than not. The other uses their room (more exact-their floor) as their dresser, and rarely makes their bed.

Our oldest is getting closer to the day he’ll be on his own, and my husband and I have discussed the need to get him better prepared—to live in a space he (and others) can tolerate, maybe even be proud of (that means being tidier and cleaning up after himself), getting himself to and from places without the help of mom and dad, and putting more care into his hygiene (I don’t know anyone who enjoys being around unpleasant smells).

We decided since football season has finished and our son can decide what he does after school (workout or come home), he can figure out how to get himself home — walk or public transit. The situation presented itself for us to get him doing this when my husband was tied up and I was across town when our son reached out to get a ride home. He’d have to figure out how to get home on his own (keep in mind he was about a mile away from our house). He was frustrated that we couldn’t get him but became really unhappy when we told him he’d need to start getting himself around without our help. “You can’t just change things!,” he said, “this is so unfair.” He continued to share how upsetting this change was for him. We gave him some space to calm down.

I went to talk to him after a while. He doubled-down on how ‘dumb’ and ‘unfair’ the change is. I doubled-down on the importance of us better preparing him to live on his own, and his need to demonstrate not only to us, but more importantly to himself, that he’s ready. That means he’ll need to navigate public transit sometimes, take ownership of his space (room) and personal cleanliness. He resisted. I reminded him no one likes change, it hard, and I understood he didn’t like it. He told me he was done talking to me and get out of his room. Power struggle ensues?🙃 I tell him I won’t leave until he can calm himself down. He resists (of course, trying to flex his independence). I stayed and made him show me a few deep breaths. His facial expression read I hate you so much. I get it. I had those moments with my parents too. Before I left his room, I reminded him his father and I weren’t helping him by helping him (cleaning up after him, doing his laundry, nagging him about personal hygiene, etc.). He was old enough and needs to take full ownership.

It’s tough making change, especially when resistance is high. It’s harder when it’s with someone you love. Its easier knowing it’s for my son’s benefit. He loses if we don’t allow him to grow and learn what he’s capable of.

How prepared is your child? What challenging situations have you encountered trying to help them and how did you overcome their resistance?

Brotherly Love

My boys are opposites. One loves sports, the other hates competition. One is very conscious, the other lets things roll off his back with ease. The list goes on.

Being opposite in so many things has helped their relationship in many ways. It’s challenged it in others — one thinking their way (or mindset) is better (or smarter, or more just) than the other. This is when we see our boys defend their positions (again in opposite styles) — one arguing, while the other calmly lays out the facts (which drives his brother even more bananas). My husband and I often intervene, not because our boys need us to, but because the argument either requires tempers to be calmed, or we need the noise lessened — particularly when it’s clear their really is no one is “right” per se — and the boys need to be reminded it’s okay to have a differing opinion or way of thinking about things from others.

As we were driving in the car after getting out of town for a brief reprieve, we started to hear our boys making a commotion in the back seat. I couldn’t really make out what they were doing in the rear view mirror, but knew there was some kind of struggle going on with occasional words being shared. “No fair,” one said. The other replied, “You can’t be serious.” He laughed. “What are you all doing back there?” I asked in a tone that told them I was going to start lecturing them if they didn’t cut it out. “We’re just elbow wrestling, Mom,” my youngest said. “Elbow wrestling?” I said. “Yea,” my oldest replies, “It’s just something we do.” They started laughing and my fears waned. They weren’t arguing or having a dispute. They were just wrestling (mind you in a different way), like most brothers do. The way they were playing, it showed while they are very different they do have something in common, brotherly love.

How does your child get along with their sibling or cousins? How do they show love for others that may be different from them?