Finding Your Person

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What makes for a good relationship?

My youngest and I got into this topic when he expressed his interest and concern over finding a significant other.

“I’m kind of different, I think I’m going to have to take what I can get.” 😳 This was the statement I knew he and I needed to discuss further. “Why do you say that?” I asked. “Well, I’m not like other guys in my school. I’m into things considered ‘boring’ by most. And there’s so much focus on sex. I’m just not there.” First, I love how open my son can be with me (his older brother would never share this level of detail). Secondly, phew! While we’ve talked about sex and how it plays into relationships, we’ve also talked about the responsibility and repercussions of it. The fact that he seems lukewarm about it is fine by me.

I asked him who his ideal person would be, and I told him to speak his truth and not say what he thought I’d want to hear. “Well, I’d like them to share my same interests so we’d have lots to talk about.” I pushed back against this idea — “what if they shared your interests but were mean to others, would they still be ideal?” He said “no”, but countered that he could talk to them about their behavior. I pushed on this — “would you like it if other people were trying to change who you were?” He agreed he wouldn’t.

I encouraged him instead to think about the qualities he’d want in a partner — someone who is kind, that makes you feel good about yourself, inspires you to be better. I also shared while his father and I had different things we enjoyed or were interested in, there were core values and beliefs that were very similar. Our differences in interests was what made our relationship more interesting.

I’m hoping I gave my son food for thought. As a young adult on the spectrum he doesn’t always pick up social cues, but he did recognize when someone showed him interest. “She asked for my Snapchat, mom, and when I told her I wasn’t on Snapchat she got embarrassed and looked disappointed.” My son didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, but also wasn’t interested. It’s actually a gift I wish I’d had at his age. I’d sometimes let guilt (or not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings in the moment), allow me to be less-than-honest with others, which would later end up hurting them anyways and make me feel guilty for not being more honest sooner.

Finding your person isn’t a straightforward path. Every encounter or experience you have helps you get clarity on what you want in your ideal partner. That’s what I left my son with — use every opportunity to get figure out what qualities you want and need in a significant other. He’s early in his journey. My hope is he takes our talk to heart and realizes he has worth and that he doesn’t have to settle (or take whatever he can get).

How are you helping your child navigate their relationships?

Dealing with Loss

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A friend called to share some news. Their family member had an ectopic pregnancy and they were going to lose the baby. It was heartbreaking to hear and the family was devastated. It’s hard to know how best to help others during these times. I listened and let them know I wanted to support them however best I could. I can only hope listening and caring somehow helped.

I reflected on my own pregnancies—I never was concerned about my babies making it to term (perhaps the thought they wouldn’t was so great I wouldn’t allow myself to consider it), and irritated by the discomfort I felt throughout. Knowing others would do anything to switch their situation with mine was a good mental reset for me and how I experienced pregnancy. Pregnancy resulting in a live birth is not a given. It really is a miracle every time someone is born. We (I) take it for granted and are reminded of the fragility when the unexpected occurs.

Have you ever had an experience that made you rethink how you viewed your own pregnancy?

LUCKY

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In honor of St. Patrick’s day ☘️ and the four-leaf clovers’ association with luck, I thought it timely to consider how luck plays into parenthood.

Per Thomas Jefferson, “I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.“

Parenting is hard work. Really hard work that’s 24/7/365. It’s exhausting, it’s rewarding, and more often than not I feel lucky for having the experience.

L – Lots of hard work

U – Unexpected things will happen (all the time)

C – Caregiver, Coach, Champion

K – Kin, Being Kind

Y – Yea! Yahoo! Or whatever word you associate with having fun, celebrating or enjoying the experience. 🎉🥳

Where have you experienced luck in your parenting journey?

Parental Care

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When I started my parenting journey I never thought how I might have to parent my parents one day.

I don’t think any of us like to think about our parents aging, or struggling to do what they’ve done with ease up to this point.

One of my parent’s has cancer and dementia. The other is their primary caregiver. Both are doing relatively well considering the circumstances. It’s hard to see someone who raised you lose their capabilities and contrast it with your own journey of becoming a parent and being excited when your children achieved the capabilities my parent is now losing — mobility, ability to cook, and drive. I now get to take care of my parent the way they took care of me growing up — helping them up, lending an arm for stability, cooking a meal for them, driving them to an appointment. It’s both joyful and heartbreaking.

I don’t know what all is ahead of me on this journey, but I’m taking in all that I can, while I can — learning more about my parents’ lives, how they want to be remembered when they’re no longer with us, and what I can do to help them during this transition — and learning all the things that go into end of life preparation beyond having a will in place. It’s good for my husband and I to know so we can better plan for our own future hopefully a few decades from now.

I’m grateful for the time we have, whatever that is. I’m grateful for what I’m learning, and I’m grateful for my parents and the loving and stable environment I was raised in.

Are you dealing with an aging parent? What similarities are you seeing between your parenting journey and caring for your parent(s)?

School Vacations

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Do you take vacation during your child’s school breaks?

We’ve been vacationing based on the public school calendar for a long time. With our oldest out of the house and our youngest a senior, we’re realizing we’re nearing an end to being tied to the school calendar. Partially a relief, and the other part sadness.

We most recently drove through the southeast during midwinter break, my youngest eager to visit a part of the country he’s not familiar with. We recognize how fortunate we are that we can take trips, and while hours in the car might not sound fun to most, it was worth it — especially since my son loves history and geography. Just listening to him share bits of information along the way made the trip memorable and more enjoyable. I’ll miss how he can create interest in something or some place that might seem otherwise uninteresting.

We’re going to try to pack in as much adventure as we can before he graduates. It’s still hard to believe we won’t be tied to the school calendar much longer.

How has the school calendar changed how you vacation? What trips have been the most memorable for you and your family?

First Kiss Update

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Son proposing in school play (female character not his girlfriend) 🥰

It’s been almost 10 years since my original post, and still one of my favorites. It’s funny how kids change over the years, including their likes and interests. My son and his then “girlfriend” remain friends, but there is no longer any love interest. They do share a love for the theater – performing, writing, and directing. It’s been really neat to see them not only take on these roles, but encourage each other.

Love doesn’t always last, but it does leave an impression. My son lucked out with his first love. I hope your child did too.

I will be away on vacation and back in March.

** ** ** Original Post from 2016 ** ** **

Do you remember your first kiss?

My youngest has a ‘girlfriend’ that he’s known since kindergarten. Now, you wouldn’t know they are boyfriend and girlfriend because they barely interact with each other when in close proximity. But there are these moments when they are inseparable. It doesn’t take much, when one of them initiates doing something with the other.

There was an “engagement” last summer when, during a day at summer camp, they decided they wanted to plan out their life and make it official. Our families had a picnic to celebrate their plans. We have some great pictures of them. While their pretend ceremony was very innocent, and they posed for pictures as though they were kissing, they actually did not. My youngest was fine with this, and thought all of it was good fun.

His girlfriend moved to another school this year, so their interaction has been even less with the exception of the occasional playdate. When she last came over to play, they did what the normally do, they sat in the same room, but proceeded to read books and not actually play together. As their playdate was ending, his friend suddenly decided they needed to play a quick board game (is that even possible?) and while her mom and I allowed them to play for a few minutes, we were working to wrap it up so everyone could go home. While her mother and I were talking, the kids decided to resume their almost ceremonially kiss pose they had at the picnic. I have no idea what prompted this, as it happened so quickly. After seeing what they were up to, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but it didn’t take long to figure it out. My son went in for the kiss this time and was smiling from ear-to-ear following. It was very sweet. I was happy for him that his first kiss was with a girl he really liked. I was happy that he didn’t have to go through the fretting I did in wondering when the first kiss would happen and who would it be with. It also felt like I just passed a milestone with my son way earlier than I’d anticipated. Of course, every milestone that occurs reminds me how quickly my sons are growing up. And while things can move fast in life, I’m don’t want it to go by at such a rapid pace.  I realize this is a bit out of my control, but boy, would I love to slow down time sometimes.

How do you experience milestones with your child?
 

Pride (and Prejudice)

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My youngest finally got a main speaking role in his high school production. Up to this point, during his time in high school, he’s had one line in a musical and always been part of the ensemble cast. He’s yearned for a lead role every year, and been understandably upset when not picked. He is a senior this year, and knowing time is limited to get roles, he was thrilled when he was cast as Mr. Collins, in Pride and Prejudice. Of course, he would have loved to been cast as Mr. Darcy, but grateful he got a role.

The show had six performances. We decided we’d see him on closing weekend. A friend, whose daughter is also in theatre, saw the show opening night. I received a text from her during the show’s intermission “Your son makes a great Mr. Collins.” I replied with a ❤️ emoji and shared we’d be seeing a later performance. I received another text from her following the show, “He had the audience in the palm of his hand. Kudos.” WOW! I thought. What a great compliment for my son (or anyone) to receive. I was bursting with PRIDE for my son, thinking of all the hard work he’d put in over the years and getting this type of recognition.

The compliment was backed up by another when my son received a senior superlative (think most likely to succeed, most athletic, best all around, etc.). When he told friends he won, they asked in what category? He asked them to guess. Two that saw the show said, “you got it for acting, didn’t you?” He didn’t, he got it for being a school history buff, but again, having both adults and your peers acknowledge your work, I’m not sure there’s anything much better. Unless, of course, he played Mr. Darcy, but I suppose that’s just his mom being PREJUDICE. 😂

When have you felt tremendous pride for your child?

Protecting Your Nest

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What lengths will you go to protect your kid?

What prompted me to think of this were birds interacting outside my window. An eagle perched itself on top of a tree, and crows started swooping at it. I can only assume a nest with eggs or hatchlings were nearby. The eagle seemed undeterred by the birds, and more annoyed than anything. I thought the crows were rather brave. It seemed the eagle could easily hurt them if it wanted.

It reminded me of what we’ll do to protect our child — hold their hand to cross a road, speak up for them when they can’t, and sometimes the need to physically protect or defend them (I’m grateful I can’t recall a situation outside of standing in front of them when it was unclear if the person or group was safe, or guiding them past someone having a mental breakdown), but I do know there are times, when an inner alert goes off and we move into protect mode.

After a minute or so of nonstop swooping, the eagle stretched (it almost looked like it yawned) and sly off. One of the three crows followed it. If I had to guess, it was the mom. 😉

What lengths have (or would you go to) to protect your child?

Memphis

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What’s a family trip that’s stayed with you? Our family visited New Orleans, Memphis, and Chicago last year. Taking a train to get us to our destinations (of course, my youngest wouldn’t have it any other way). Memphis stood out … Continue reading →