Prom(ise)…You’ll Have a Good Time

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Did you go to prom?

I went to prom with a friend. I was glad I went, but the whole experience was awkward. I had no romantic interest in my date and ‘back in those days’ prom seemed to have a lot of pressure around advancing sexual relations. Ick! He was a gentleman (thankfully) and I made it through, but have been cautious about pushing prom as a thing you have to do with my boys.

My oldest went to prom with a group of friends. They spent the day together hanging out and getting ready. My sense, based on what he shared afterwards, was prom was meh, but hanging out with his friends prior was pretty awesome.

I didn’t think my youngest would go. I asked if he might want to go with his friends and he didn’t, at least not with everyone that might go in the group. He knew he’d be comfortable hanging out with his best friend, but everyone else could be a bit ‘much’ after a while. 😊

Imagine my surprise when I got a text from our son to my husband and I. He asked if we had anything on the calendar for an upcoming Saturday. I told him no, not thinking much of it. He replied, “well then, I guess I’m going to prom.” Wait. What? I thought and couldn’t wait for him to get home to tell us what changed. He shared a underclass man who’d shown some interest in my son had asked him if he was planning to go. He said he wasn’t sure and asked her if she was going. She said she wanted to go, but didn’t have a date. 😉 I can’t recall what exactly was said next but know she ended up asking my son if he would take her and he said “yes.” When I asked him why he didn’t just ask her, he said, “I thought it was important it be her decision.” 😊

Of course my son, being on the spectrum, doesn’t always catch social cues. He shared some of his concerns — wanting to spend time with his best friend while there, but not wanting to leave her out or make her feel neglected. We talked about ways he could include her and hopefully have a good experience. I reminded him that this was good dating practice and since she is a underclass man she’ll have another chance to go next year. Thinking about it in these terms seemed to reassure him it would okay.

I’ve been fortunate to have experiences I wasn’t sure I would with my kids. My son going to prom (with a date!) is the cherry on top (for now).

What unexpected experiences have you had with your kid(s)?

For All the Moms

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Whether you’re a new mom, old mom, foster mom, adoptive mom, grandmom, great grandmom, mom-to-be, or pet-mom, this is your day!

You love, you give, you sacrifice because you want to. You share and care and help and guide because it’s needed. You cheer, you teach, you exclaim, you weep, because that’s what comes with the role.

To all the mothers out there, I hope you celebrate the day as you see fit — with your family, or alone or somewhere in between. There’s no judgment just appreciation on this day. Soak it up and enjoy!

Marking the Calendar

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What do you have on your calendar you’re looking forward to?

A vacation? A child’s recital, performance, sports event or graduation? A bbq, party or upcoming event?

When my boys entered school, the calendar became more important—when there were breaks, not breaks, and everything in-between. Our family has lived by the calendar (mainly the school calendar) for the past 15 years (K-12) between our two boys.

There is a part of me that loves the calendar — putting fun events/trips/performances down so we have visibility as we near the date. Of course, the calendar also holds doctor’s appointments and meetings. It’s not all fun stuff.

I’m mindful as the school year nears to a close (our school district goes thru mid-June) that the days of us being tied to the school calendar will come to an end. Bitter-sweet. Bitter since that part of our parenting journey will be over, but sweet in that we’re no longer tied to that calendar.

We’ll still be marking our calendar (think we’re in the habit now), but it’ll be much more sparse and likely a reminder of time passing and are kids becoming adults. Gulp.

What role does the family calendar play in your household?

Through a Child’s Eyes

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You see things anew through your child, right?

I know I did. Particularly when they were young and experiencing things for the first time. Seeing animals at the zoo, riding on a merry-go-round, swimming! They were all new to the kids and met with great interest.

My kids are still getting me to see things in a new light. We have taken the boys on sightseeing trips to major US landmarks over the years. Our goal was to not only educate our sons, but show them how much variety (in the ways cities look and feel, how people get around, the weather, nature, and more) there is in our country.

One trip we were fortunate enough to get a tour guide who had his PhD in the history of the city we were in and he opened our eyes to things an average tourist (which is squarely where we would put ourselves) wouldn’t know. We loved it!

My youngest also loves history and geography and studies it without any prompting. He wanted to make a return trip over his Spring Break to two major cities we’d visited prior. My initial reaction was okay, but what are we going to do the whole time we’re there since we’ve already done most everything? Of course, I shouldn’t have underestimated my son.

He had places mapped out he wanted to go. Much like our tour with the PhD guide, our son was showing us things anew — a place where George Washington gave a speech and people were so inspired they took the crowns of the top of the posts of a fence nearby and melted them down to make cannons as part of the American Revolution. The fence still stands with a plaque you could easily walk past and never realize you just walked past something with historic relevance. He had us find where molasses spilled and killed many people prior to better safety laws being in place. The list goes on one on. We didn’t visit one traditional tourist site but explored each city in much more fulfilling way. I left each place feeling like I better knew it. I couldn’t have done that without my son’s own curiosity..

What has your child helped you see anew?

Second Class

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When have you felt ordinary?

For most of us it’s a majority of the time, but there are those occasions where you feel special — an upgrade at a hotel, priority lane access at an airport (or perhaps amusement park), or flying first class.

I did some travel during a Spring Break week and had many families on my flight as my destination wasn’t far from a popular amusement park. A young boy, probably 5 or so, was walking down the aisle with his mom. She was directing him to aisle 19. He asked if they were sitting in first class. He was already in the coach section when he asked this question. His mom said, “no, those are the seats at the front of the plane.” He wasn’t sure where the front of the plane was and asked if the seats were the furthest seats in the back of the plane. His mom laughed and asked if he’d remembered the larger seats they had already passed. He then asked, “are we second class?” Many of us laughed. Someone said, “it feels like it, right?” And another commented, “at least we’re not third.” 😂

We don’t often experience situations where we’re made to feel special, but even if you’re not flying first class, the fact that we can afford to be on a plane and go somewhere (for whatever reason) is pretty special.

For those on Spring Break, enjoy your adventure. I’ll be off next week experiencing our final school Spring Break and back towards the end of the month.

Finding Your Person

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What makes for a good relationship?

My youngest and I got into this topic when he expressed his interest and concern over finding a significant other.

“I’m kind of different, I think I’m going to have to take what I can get.” 😳 This was the statement I knew he and I needed to discuss further. “Why do you say that?” I asked. “Well, I’m not like other guys in my school. I’m into things considered ‘boring’ by most. And there’s so much focus on sex. I’m just not there.” First, I love how open my son can be with me (his older brother would never share this level of detail). Secondly, phew! While we’ve talked about sex and how it plays into relationships, we’ve also talked about the responsibility and repercussions of it. The fact that he seems lukewarm about it is fine by me.

I asked him who his ideal person would be, and I told him to speak his truth and not say what he thought I’d want to hear. “Well, I’d like them to share my same interests so we’d have lots to talk about.” I pushed back against this idea — “what if they shared your interests but were mean to others, would they still be ideal?” He said “no”, but countered that he could talk to them about their behavior. I pushed on this — “would you like it if other people were trying to change who you were?” He agreed he wouldn’t.

I encouraged him instead to think about the qualities he’d want in a partner — someone who is kind, that makes you feel good about yourself, inspires you to be better. I also shared while his father and I had different things we enjoyed or were interested in, there were core values and beliefs that were very similar. Our differences in interests was what made our relationship more interesting.

I’m hoping I gave my son food for thought. As a young adult on the spectrum he doesn’t always pick up social cues, but he did recognize when someone showed him interest. “She asked for my Snapchat, mom, and when I told her I wasn’t on Snapchat she got embarrassed and looked disappointed.” My son didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, but also wasn’t interested. It’s actually a gift I wish I’d had at his age. I’d sometimes let guilt (or not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings in the moment), allow me to be less-than-honest with others, which would later end up hurting them anyways and make me feel guilty for not being more honest sooner.

Finding your person isn’t a straightforward path. Every encounter or experience you have helps you get clarity on what you want in your ideal partner. That’s what I left my son with — use every opportunity to get figure out what qualities you want and need in a significant other. He’s early in his journey. My hope is he takes our talk to heart and realizes he has worth and that he doesn’t have to settle (or take whatever he can get).

How are you helping your child navigate their relationships?

I’ll be taking next week off to celebrate the holiday with family and friends and be back in April. Happy Spring!

Dealing with Loss

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A friend called to share some news. Their family member had an ectopic pregnancy and they were going to lose the baby. It was heartbreaking to hear and the family was devastated. It’s hard to know how best to help others during these times. I listened and let them know I wanted to support them however best I could. I can only hope listening and caring somehow helped.

I reflected on my own pregnancies—I never was concerned about my babies making it to term (perhaps the thought they wouldn’t was so great I wouldn’t allow myself to consider it), and irritated by the discomfort I felt throughout. Knowing others would do anything to switch their situation with mine was a good mental reset for me and how I experienced pregnancy. Pregnancy resulting in a live birth is not a given. It really is a miracle every time someone is born. We (I) take it for granted and are reminded of the fragility when the unexpected occurs.

Have you ever had an experience that made you rethink how you viewed your own pregnancy?

LUCKY

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In honor of St. Patrick’s day ☘️ and the four-leaf clovers’ association with luck, I thought it timely to consider how luck plays into parenthood.

Per Thomas Jefferson, “I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.“

Parenting is hard work. Really hard work that’s 24/7/365. It’s exhausting, it’s rewarding, and more often than not I feel lucky for having the experience.

L – Lots of hard work

U – Unexpected things will happen (all the time)

C – Caregiver, Coach, Champion

K – Kin, Being Kind

Y – Yea! Yahoo! Or whatever word you associate with having fun, celebrating or enjoying the experience. 🎉🥳

Where have you experienced luck in your parenting journey?

Parental Care

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When I started my parenting journey I never thought how I might have to parent my parents one day.

I don’t think any of us like to think about our parents aging, or struggling to do what they’ve done with ease up to this point.

One of my parent’s has cancer and dementia. The other is their primary caregiver. Both are doing relatively well considering the circumstances. It’s hard to see someone who raised you lose their capabilities and contrast it with your own journey of becoming a parent and being excited when your children achieved the capabilities my parent is now losing — mobility, ability to cook, and drive. I now get to take care of my parent the way they took care of me growing up — helping them up, lending an arm for stability, cooking a meal for them, driving them to an appointment. It’s both joyful and heartbreaking.

I don’t know what all is ahead of me on this journey, but I’m taking in all that I can, while I can — learning more about my parents’ lives, how they want to be remembered when they’re no longer with us, and what I can do to help them during this transition — and learning all the things that go into end of life preparation beyond having a will in place. It’s good for my husband and I to know so we can better plan for our own future hopefully a few decades from now.

I’m grateful for the time we have, whatever that is. I’m grateful for what I’m learning, and I’m grateful for my parents and the loving and stable environment I was raised in.

Are you dealing with an aging parent? What similarities are you seeing between your parenting journey and caring for your parent(s)?

School Vacations

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Do you take vacation during your child’s school breaks?

We’ve been vacationing based on the public school calendar for a long time. With our oldest out of the house and our youngest a senior, we’re realizing we’re nearing an end to being tied to the school calendar. Partially a relief, and the other part sadness.

We most recently drove through the southeast during midwinter break, my youngest eager to visit a part of the country he’s not familiar with. We recognize how fortunate we are that we can take trips, and while hours in the car might not sound fun to most, it was worth it — especially since my son loves history and geography. Just listening to him share bits of information along the way made the trip memorable and more enjoyable. I’ll miss how he can create interest in something or some place that might seem otherwise uninteresting.

We’re going to try to pack in as much adventure as we can before he graduates. It’s still hard to believe we won’t be tied to the school calendar much longer.

How has the school calendar changed how you vacation? What trips have been the most memorable for you and your family?