Tag Archives: Autism

Graduation

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I’m struggling to grasp that my youngest is graduating from high school. I can remember when I brought him home from the hospital as a newborn thinking we’ve got the next 18 years together. There were times, particularly when my boys were little, that time moved slow. As they aged, time sped up.

What’s particularly bittersweet about this moment is the progress I’ve seen my son make over his life to this point. His autism was diagnosed around age 5, prior to his diagnosis, we’d thought he was a little quirky and possibly had sensory issues (and maybe just didn’t want to believe he had it). We didn’t know what an autism diagnosis would mean for us, because it impacts those with it differently.

He’s struggled with social cues mainly. Missing out on some potential friendships because he didn’t have the innate know-how to connect with his peers. But he’s had so many highs over the course of growing up — joining theater in elementary school put him on a path to better expressing himself, taking on leading roles and nailing it, and being quite the comedian; he went to a middle school that focused on emotional intelligence for teen boys (in addition to academics) and learned more about his feelings and others and leaned into what healthy relationships look like (thank you @join1love) and grew his confidence in being himself; he navigated transit systems locally on his own to get himself to and from school and his love of transit was born; he went to high school and continued in theatre mastering his craft by senior year; he made friends along the way; did a foreign exchange; went to prom with a girl that asked him! And took a stand for his principles with his peers in a public setting.

There is a time in your child’s life — such as graduation — when you reflect and ask yourself if there was anything you missed, didn’t teach or share, to help them as they move into adulthood. I’m sure there are things I’ve missed, didn’t teach or share, but I’m not sure I’ll fully understand that for many years. I can say my son (both my boys) have blown me away throughout this journey. Doing things I didn’t know they could or would do, initiative they took on their own, and showing their unique abilities and ways they want to navigate their life and the world.

I’ve been blessed beyond measure. This journey has been a gift. It might not have felt like it when I was sleep deprived, or disciplining one of the kids, or when the boys was unhappy with me, but I’m overwhelmed with how much this entire experience meant for me and how it shaped me and how I grew as a person and parent because of it.

My son is graduating, but I feel like I am too. My boys have finished this chapter and moving on to the next.

What does your child’s graduation mean to you?

My final post will come out next week.

Taking a Stand

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It isn’t easy to speak your mind in front of a crowd.

That’s exactly what my youngest did during Senior Speeches following his theater troop’s performances. It’s an annual tradition — they give out awards and the seniors give speeches—largely it’s about what theater has meant to them, individuals that made a difference, or a legacy they want to pass on.

My husband and I attended the awards and senior speeches in support of our son and were curious to hear what he’d have to say. Imagine our surprise when he started with, “I’m not going to do a traditional senior speech. I’m going to talk about something that’s been bothering me for a while…”. He proceeded to tell his theater peers that he was disappointed in a small group of individuals that appeared to be engaging in dangerous behavior and brag about it in the guys dressing room — mainly excessive alcohol consumption and drugs. He stated he understood that him saying this likely made him sound like an old person but he felt it was important and begged that those who were doing this (he didn’t name names) would choose a different path.

He finished and walked away. I was both proud of him and a little uncomfortable. Did he just ruin senior speeches for everyone else?

We got home and discussed what he had said. He didn’t start that day thinking he’d talk about what he did. It was only after being in the guys dressing room before their final performance and hearing some of his peers talk this way that he made up his mind. He’d seen this behavior before and this was his last opportunity to try to address it. It took guts.

I wish we’d known this was on his mind, because we could have helped his speech land in a way that might have had more of an impact. As it was, it came across as I’m disappointed in you and finished with a plea. Unless you’re someone’s kid, saying you’re disappointed in someone else typically doesn’t carry much weight (it’s usually met with indifference or I’ll show you). 😳 A friend, who was also at the speeches to support her daughter, shared afterwards that it didn’t take away from the speeches and was heart-felt. My son did have several of his peers that acknowledged his speech the following day and told him it was brave, and glad someone finally called the others out (without using names).

My son, being on the spectrum, struggles sometimes with how his messaging is received, but his heart is always in the right place. I know I wouldn’t have had the guts to do what he did at his age. Most people of my generation thought drinking was cool and the talk in the dressing room I’d guess was much more common place than it is today. Yikes!

It is never easy to take a stand. I can pretty much guarantee his speech will not be forgotten—whether because it made folks mad, uncomfortable, or they witnessed his bravery (and are inspired to take a stand of their own someday) they won’t forget it. I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t make valedictorian…I wonder what he’d say?🥰

Have you or your child taken a stand? What inspired you to do it?

Prom(ise)…You’ll Have a Good Time

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Did you go to prom?

I went to prom with a friend. I was glad I went, but the whole experience was awkward. I had no romantic interest in my date and ‘back in those days’ prom seemed to have a lot of pressure around advancing sexual relations. Ick! He was a gentleman (thankfully) and I made it through, but have been cautious about pushing prom as a thing you have to do with my boys.

My oldest went to prom with a group of friends. They spent the day together hanging out and getting ready. My sense, based on what he shared afterwards, was prom was meh, but hanging out with his friends prior was pretty awesome.

I didn’t think my youngest would go. I asked if he might want to go with his friends and he didn’t, at least not with everyone that might go in the group. He knew he’d be comfortable hanging out with his best friend, but everyone else could be a bit ‘much’ after a while. 😊

Imagine my surprise when I got a text from our son to my husband and I. He asked if we had anything on the calendar for an upcoming Saturday. I told him no, not thinking much of it. He replied, “well then, I guess I’m going to prom.” Wait. What? I thought and couldn’t wait for him to get home to tell us what changed. He shared a underclass man who’d shown some interest in my son had asked him if he was planning to go. He said he wasn’t sure and asked her if she was going. She said she wanted to go, but didn’t have a date. 😉 I can’t recall what exactly was said next but know she ended up asking my son if he would take her and he said “yes.” When I asked him why he didn’t just ask her, he said, “I thought it was important it be her decision.” 😊

Of course my son, being on the spectrum, doesn’t always catch social cues. He shared some of his concerns — wanting to spend time with his best friend while there, but not wanting to leave her out or make her feel neglected. We talked about ways he could include her and hopefully have a good experience. I reminded him that this was good dating practice and since she is a underclass man she’ll have another chance to go next year. Thinking about it in these terms seemed to reassure him it would okay.

I’ve been fortunate to have experiences I wasn’t sure I would with my kids. My son going to prom (with a date!) is the cherry on top (for now).

What unexpected experiences have you had with your kid(s)?

I will be away next weekend spending time away with family and friends and back at the end of the month.

Parental Frustration

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When was the last time you got frustrated as a parent?

My youngest is working on an essay that will have implications for what he does after high school. He has struggled with this exercise — how to get his ideas across in a way the reader will understand. His father and I, of course, have been his sounding board, coaches, and editors. We’ve told him that he wants to put his best effort into this and not have regrets on what he submits, so have been pushing him to rewrite, and continue to improve what he’s been working on.

As a kid on the spectrum, he sometimes struggles with instruction (or coaching). He’ll say “my brain works differently,” and he’s right. Sometimes he takes things literally and other times he can make things over complicated (I have this tendency myself). My husband and I have to try different approaches based on the situation.

He has made good progress on his essay, but his father and I think it can be better. My husband was asking my son to consider other ways to strengthen his message. My son was stating how he’d already done what was asked. Frustrations from both boiled over. My son retreated to his room. He came out after some time and asked for a hug. He tried whispering to me that dad was upset with him, and instead of allowing the conversation to be just he and I, I spoke so that my husband could also hear. I asked my son, “what is mom and dad’s job?” He responded as he and his brother have been taught from a young age, “to teach me things and keep me safe.” I reminded him that what we are trying to do is teach him and get the best out of him. The frustration comes from our approaches to helping/teaching him not working or getting through to him. “We feel like we’re failing you in these moments as your parents, and it’s frustrating because we’re not sure why what we’re trying to convey isn’t working. Our frustration doesn’t have to do with you, but our ability to teach you and help you.” My son smiled. My husband was listening too. We needed to have the discussion so that we were all on the same page and our goal was for my son to do his best.

Parenting has its moments, and getting frustrated is part of the growth we go through — why won’t my child stop biting, or hitting, or throwing a tantrum when they’re young; why aren’t they better behaved, have better manners, clean their room as they get older; and why won’t they listen or take my advice as the move into young adulthood. It can be painful, angering and much more. It’s realizing what’s behind it — why are we frustrated? Is it because our child is/isn’t doing something? Yes, but also because our responsibility is to teach our children to do (or not do) certain things, and when that doesn’t occur, we can internalize it as a slight on our capabilities (or lack thereof) as a parent. I’m a big believer in letting our kids in on this insight, so they don’t misunderstand and fill in the blanks (I’m bad, or not good because my parents get frustrated or upset with me).

When was the last time you got frustrated with your child? How did you work through it with them? What did you learn about yourself and your parenting approach after?

Exceeding Expectations

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When did your child last exceed your expectations?

My youngest, who is on the spectrum, is doing an exchange in a foreign country. Spectrum kids has several gifts that make them special including knowing their likes and dislikes, ability to concentrate (on likes with ease) and challenges being vocal about dislikes, having a harder time engaging in dislikes. You know that filter you get as you grow up that tells you when to be honest and when to hold your tongue? My son doesn’t really have that. He’s sometimes brutally honest with no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings, but just speaking his mind. 😬

I wondered when he left how he’d fare doing an exchange. We had the exchange student come here first so my son and he could get better acquainted. My husband and I have set out to have our kids be independent, and tried to give them confidence in their capabilities and pushing their comfort zones. I thought going overseas would be good “comfort zones” pushing for my son.

I knew when my son went overseas he’d be asked to do things he might not like doing — going places he’s not particularly interested in, or to try something (food, activity) he would prefer not to. I was mildly concerned he might struggle, and when he gets overwhelmed it can be difficult to experience (tears and/or anger). Would he be overly honest?

When he arrived in France, he sent a text message and a photo. The host mom sends me pics now and then too, which helps. He asked the following day when we should talk, and I recommended we talk one day over the weekend. He agreed. If he is struggling in any way, he’s doing a great job of keeping it from us. I expected to potentially hear from the host mom of some issues, but so far, there’s been nothing other than how his French is coming along. 😊

This is the first time he’s been away for us for this long, with a family he barely knows. It would be challenging for most of us to adjust, but he’s exceeding our expectations and seems to be thriving. He does text with pics from the day (if they did any exploring), but the messages and exchanges are short implying he wants to share vs needs to share and/or is struggling, He continues to amaze me as he grows. I, too often, think something may be more difficult, or too big a challenge for him and he proves me wrong. I hope he keeps doing that (along with me realizing, he is doing the work that will allow him not only independence, but an ability to thrive on his own).

When did your child last exceed your expectations? How are you adjusting your mindset or approach to your child as a result?

Summer Exploration

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What’s something new you’ve tried during the summer?

Our youngest is showing the city to our French exchange student. Taking him to popular tourists sites and having him experience a more typical day-in-the-life (going to the grocery store, checking out the library, helping around the house, hanging out on the deck). You can see my son learning him to host (while his dad and I work), and protect space for himself. It’s taken a few days, but he seems to be getting better at hosting, though I know there is a part of him that desperately wants to do whatever he wants without taking into consideration what our exchange student wants to do. As a spectrum kid, we keep encouraging him to have a more flexible mindset. Easier said than done, but we can see he is trying.

Our oldest is home for the summer, but out and about so much, it’s often like he isn’t here. If he isn’t working, he’s typically with his friends doing something regarding exercise, working on cars, or exploring. He recently joined some newer friends and went on a hike that had a 6000 ft elevation gain and required having an ice axe ( yikes!), and scrambling at that top. That’s too adventurous for me, but my son was eager to go. I was worried the entire day for his safety (would he push himself, get injured, or worse fall) until he texted to let me know he was okay. Worrying — something I suppose we’ll always do as parents, regardless our child’s age, right?

Summer is the longest stretch where the weather tends to be nicer (if not too hot) and ripe for exploring — a place or things to do. What exploring has your child or family done this summer?

The Gift of Connection

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Friends and loved ones, those you have meaningful connections with, creating a sending of belonging and joy.

My youngest struggles with making these types of connections, common for those with autism. He does have a core groups of friends he made in middle school, and a best friend he’s known since elementary but only got close to within the last few years.

When our exchange student arrived, it took her a few days and weeks to get comfortable in our home. My husband and I would fall asleep before the kids would and we learned months in that our exchange student and youngest son would have late night chats in the living room. Our exchange student shares would concern, silly things that happened or hopes, and my son would share the same. Over time, you could see a strong sibling bonding forming. They care about each other and are interested in how the other is doing.

Unbeknownst to my son, this was great practice for him in what meaningful relationships look like. His older brother and he would talk (when his brother lived at home), but was more guarded in what he shared, so while the practice my youngest experienced with our exchange student was much more impactful. I can see his growth when he is out with his friends. I’m grateful for the gift our exchange student gave our son while she was with us. We are missing her dearly since she’s returned home.

How do friendship and connections impact your child?

Foreign Communication

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My youngest has been accepted into a foreign exchange summer program. He’s thrilled to go explore a new country, and being a kid on the spectrum lies the (potential) problem.

When he gets an idea in his mind, particularly in something he’s interested in doing, his mindset becomes more rigid and narrowly focused. It can be a strength (knowing how to navigate a large public transit system without ever having to look at a map or timetable) and a weakness (going into a situation where he doesn’t have control). Note: many of us (neuro-diverse or not), struggle with control and a rigid from time to time.

We met the family he will be living with over video. The boys started communicating via text following. My son went into “all things travel” mode — asking questions about where they could travel to, transit options, and ideas he had. Yikes. I can only imagine what the host family is thinking.

The good (great) news is that we have our exchange student who has been with us, and knows something about connecting with host families prior to arriving. 😊 My son was sharing some of his disappointment in how some of his initial excitement had waned and he wasn’t hearing much from his peer. Once our exchange student and I listened she offered some ideas (I did too, but think he really took her ideas to heart). “Share something about you. Take a picture of your walk home. Show them the neighborhood or where we go to school. Ask them to show you where they live,” she recommended. He recognized his communication had been one-sided up to that point (all about him and his interests), and he understood the was value in starting over and them getting to know one another. He sent a text to say as such and felt better about things.

It is hard when someone you love so dearly struggles with understanding social cues, but I love that our exchange student was here, willing to help, and my son willing to listen. He has a new friend/sister who can help him (assuming he continues to be willing to ask). 😊 The rigid mindset, he’s aware of and we’ll continue to work on making it more flexible.

What’s hard for your child? How are you helping them work through or overcome their challenge?

Losing Control

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What do you want to have control over?

I might answer, “Everything?” The question mark is on purpose…having control of everything, in theory, sounds ideal, but could also quickly become overwhelming and problematic.

My youngest’s play will be performed on stage in the upcoming weeks. While he is beyond excited his work was picked, anxiety has crept in. Other students are producing the play and he hasn’t been asked for any input. While he was able to produce a snippet in the Spring playwright show, it was limited in showing his full intention for how the play should be preformed. The students producing the play have creative liberty to interpret and make the show as they see fit, with the characters and lines remaining as my son wrote them.

My youngest has extended his desire to help the producers as they work on his show, but they haven’t taken him up on it. Two things are causing his angst — being on the spectrum he wants things a certain way (don’t we all?) and fears too much of the play details are in his head (vs on paper), and he has essentially lost creative control of his baby. You pour your heart and soul into something — a book, music, or a play! — and someone might see it through a different lens than you, and not perform it the way you intended (content serious, not funny, music fast, not slow, etc.). There really isn’t anything he can do about this.

My son asked my husband and I for advice. “No one has reached out to me for my input on the show. Should I ask them again? Or maybe I should just drop by when they’re practicing?” We responded with a resounding, “No!” We talked to him about his concerns and how he doesn’t have control and how uncomfortable it can be, but he needs to trust his peers will do their best. He heard us, but having a hard time letting go of the idea he’ll have more influence or say in what gets performed. We also discussed what he might take away from this — can he be more detailed in his notes and stage direction, or anything else to lessen his concern in the future?

Losing control is almost always unsettling. It can leave you feeling untethered which can be scary, frustrating, and more. How do you or your child handle times when you don’t have control?

Growing, Growing, Gone

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How prepared is your child to go off on their own?

Our youngest decided to go to an overnight camp on the other side of the country. Worrisome enough for any parent, but throw in the fact that he’s 16, going on his own, and wanted to explore the transit in a large urban area he hadn’t explored (as much as he wanted) before made my nerves go through the roof. Not because my son isn’t capable — he navigated the tube in London flawlessly without ever consulting a map, but because he was going to be doing this on his own. What if he ran into a problem? Or people who were looking to take advantage of a younger person? It helps that my son is tall and people often think he is older than he is, but that can go both ways (good/bad) too. He showed us his itinerary and what he planned to do on his day in the city before the camp came and picked him up.

My husband and I spent time prepping my son. Bringing up scenarios and asking how he would handle or what he would do if he got into a situation where he needed help. It was a moment where we had to let him g(r)o(w) regardless how hard it was for us.

Because my son was going to the other coast there was a time difference and he would already be well on his journey before we woke up. He kept us posted on his stays, checking his luggage, paying train tickets, what routes he was on, etc. via text. I was calm but nervous. I looked forward to him being with the camp folks knowing he was safe.

The day went on, he was fine, and the camp got him safely mid-afternoon. I was relieved, and so proud of my son being able to do what he did. That night when we talked he shared how kind people had been, and how fortunate he’d been to make (train) connections and do all that he did. “We’re proud of you, you know?,” I said as we talked that evening, “but you should be even more proud of what you did yourself. You now know you can do this, and if traveling is something you want to do more of, you took a big step towards doing that.” He smiled and shared that he was proud of himself.

Gaining independence and confidence as you grow helps lessen the scariness of leaving the nest. Even though this mother bird still wants to protect her kids, I know I have to let them g(r)o(w).

How are you helping your child grow confidence in their abilities and independence?

Happy 4th. I’ll be away enjoying time with family and back later in July.