Tag Archives: Peace

Finding Your Person

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What makes for a good relationship?

My youngest and I got into this topic when he expressed his interest and concern over finding a significant other.

“I’m kind of different, I think I’m going to have to take what I can get.” 😳 This was the statement I knew he and I needed to discuss further. “Why do you say that?” I asked. “Well, I’m not like other guys in my school. I’m into things considered ‘boring’ by most. And there’s so much focus on sex. I’m just not there.” First, I love how open my son can be with me (his older brother would never share this level of detail). Secondly, phew! While we’ve talked about sex and how it plays into relationships, we’ve also talked about the responsibility and repercussions of it. The fact that he seems lukewarm about it is fine by me.

I asked him who his ideal person would be, and I told him to speak his truth and not say what he thought I’d want to hear. “Well, I’d like them to share my same interests so we’d have lots to talk about.” I pushed back against this idea — “what if they shared your interests but were mean to others, would they still be ideal?” He said “no”, but countered that he could talk to them about their behavior. I pushed on this — “would you like it if other people were trying to change who you were?” He agreed he wouldn’t.

I encouraged him instead to think about the qualities he’d want in a partner — someone who is kind, that makes you feel good about yourself, inspires you to be better. I also shared while his father and I had different things we enjoyed or were interested in, there were core values and beliefs that were very similar. Our differences in interests was what made our relationship more interesting.

I’m hoping I gave my son food for thought. As a young adult on the spectrum he doesn’t always pick up social cues, but he did recognize when someone showed him interest. “She asked for my Snapchat, mom, and when I told her I wasn’t on Snapchat she got embarrassed and looked disappointed.” My son didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, but also wasn’t interested. It’s actually a gift I wish I’d had at his age. I’d sometimes let guilt (or not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings in the moment), allow me to be less-than-honest with others, which would later end up hurting them anyways and make me feel guilty for not being more honest sooner.

Finding your person isn’t a straightforward path. Every encounter or experience you have helps you get clarity on what you want in your ideal partner. That’s what I left my son with — use every opportunity to get figure out what qualities you want and need in a significant other. He’s early in his journey. My hope is he takes our talk to heart and realizes he has worth and that he doesn’t have to settle (or take whatever he can get).

How are you helping your child navigate their relationships?

I’ll be taking next week off to celebrate the holiday with family and friends and be back in April. Happy Spring!

A Different Mother’s Day

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This year Mother’s Day will be different. Many of us are still at home, sheltering in place, wearing face masks when we venture out, and are social distancing to keep ourselves and others safe.

I normally crave time to myself on Mother’s Day to relax and rest — maybe even take in a movie if I’m feeling adventurous. We will all be home together this year with no opportunity to venture out much past our neighborhood and that’s okay. The benefits of being at home together has taken on new meaning for us — we seem to have a renewed appreciation for one another. Not having to run around to get kids here or there, or myself here or there, and being overloaded with things to do has waned. The chaos of my pre-COVID-19 life has settled into a more peaceful existence. I used to yearn for the peace I have now and saw Mother’s Day as my opportunity to achieve it — but this year the gift of peace came unexpectedly, and I plan to relish it for as long as it lasts.

This Mother’s Day, I will do what I’ve been doing with my family since the pandemic arrived — be together — oh, and I might rent a movie we can all watch together.

How is the pandemic changing your Mother’s Day?

Happy Mother’s Day!

Kids and War

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How do you explain war to your child?

My knee jerk reaction is to try to shield them from the horror. There is nothing pretty about war. What is going on in Syria is unbelievably sad, and angering. To see people suffer, lose there homes and have to flee their countries in order to survive is unfathomable. Seeing innocent people killed, particularly the children by chemical weapons is devastating.

My boys have been wondering what is going on in Syria and why. It’s hard to explain. It’s ultimately about people not being able to get along and resorting to violence instead of finding peaceful solutions. I get that solving these types of problems aren’t easy, but I really want my boys to know that war is not the answer and never will be.

My youngest son got some exposure to war recently in his social studies class.  The class was studying Native Americans and their struggle to maintain control of their native land from the settlers.  Each class member was assigned a position — you either were a Native American tribe member or a member of the American military. My son was part of a tribe. The class was given different situations and asked how they wanted to handle it. In one situation, both groups wanted a piece of land and neither was willing to give the land to the other. Their choice was to 1) sign a treaty that allowed them to share the land, or 2) decide to fight the other for the land. My son said, “Mom, I signed the treaty, but others kids in the tribe decided they wanted to fight.” “What happened? ” I asked. “Well, I lived,” said my son, “those who fought died.” Wow, I thought, this is a pretty good lesson he’s learning. The next challenge the class was faced with was 1) stay on the Reservation and be safe, or 2) fight and have to get your land back. “What did you choose?” I asked my son. “Well, I was going to go back to the Reservation because I wanted to be safe, but got accidentally shot by one of my classmates who thought I was trying to leave the Reservation,” he said. The idea that my son got ‘shot’ by friendly fire didn’t go unnoticed. Seems  this class activity was a little more realistic than I would have thought. “What did the lesson teach you?” I inquired. “Well, fighting almost always results in death. You might as well find a way to make peace.” Wow. Nine years old and he’s already figured this out. I wish some of our world leaders could.

How do you talk to your child about war? How do you help them understand unexplainable things?

Alone Time

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Do you ever crave having alone time: when you don’t have any distractions and allow yourself some peace and quiet?

I never realized how much I craved, actually needed, alone time until I had my kids. We’re conditioned to have noise around us. I know I used to like having the TV or radio on in the background when I was single and lived in an apartment. It made me feel less alone. Now, there are people around me that require my attention all hours of the day: co-workers, spouse and kids. And while I crave alone time, true peace and quiet, it is uncomfortable for me when I have no sound around. When things are silent, instead of relaxing and recharging, I let my head fill up with all the “to-dos” I still need to get done. I may not turn the TV or radio on, but I’m letting noise in.

My husband and I were able to have a weekend getaway with the help of my parents. It was a great time for us both to work on find alone time together–just being with each other in silence and enjoying it. And it was great for the kids…they loved having an adventure with their grandparents. It worked wonders for us all, and reminds me that I need to make space for ‘peace and quiet’ (even if they are brief) everyday.

Where do you experience peace and quiet? How have you (and your family) benefitted from alone time?