Tag Archives: Clarity

Finding Your Person

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What makes for a good relationship?

My youngest and I got into this topic when he expressed his interest and concern over finding a significant other.

“I’m kind of different, I think I’m going to have to take what I can get.” 😳 This was the statement I knew he and I needed to discuss further. “Why do you say that?” I asked. “Well, I’m not like other guys in my school. I’m into things considered ‘boring’ by most. And there’s so much focus on sex. I’m just not there.” First, I love how open my son can be with me (his older brother would never share this level of detail). Secondly, phew! While we’ve talked about sex and how it plays into relationships, we’ve also talked about the responsibility and repercussions of it. The fact that he seems lukewarm about it is fine by me.

I asked him who his ideal person would be, and I told him to speak his truth and not say what he thought I’d want to hear. “Well, I’d like them to share my same interests so we’d have lots to talk about.” I pushed back against this idea — “what if they shared your interests but were mean to others, would they still be ideal?” He said “no”, but countered that he could talk to them about their behavior. I pushed on this — “would you like it if other people were trying to change who you were?” He agreed he wouldn’t.

I encouraged him instead to think about the qualities he’d want in a partner — someone who is kind, that makes you feel good about yourself, inspires you to be better. I also shared while his father and I had different things we enjoyed or were interested in, there were core values and beliefs that were very similar. Our differences in interests was what made our relationship more interesting.

I’m hoping I gave my son food for thought. As a young adult on the spectrum he doesn’t always pick up social cues, but he did recognize when someone showed him interest. “She asked for my Snapchat, mom, and when I told her I wasn’t on Snapchat she got embarrassed and looked disappointed.” My son didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, but also wasn’t interested. It’s actually a gift I wish I’d had at his age. I’d sometimes let guilt (or not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings in the moment), allow me to be less-than-honest with others, which would later end up hurting them anyways and make me feel guilty for not being more honest sooner.

Finding your person isn’t a straightforward path. Every encounter or experience you have helps you get clarity on what you want in your ideal partner. That’s what I left my son with — use every opportunity to get figure out what qualities you want and need in a significant other. He’s early in his journey. My hope is he takes our talk to heart and realizes he has worth and that he doesn’t have to settle (or take whatever he can get).

How are you helping your child navigate their relationships?

I’ll be taking next week off to celebrate the holiday with family and friends and be back in April. Happy Spring!

Love at 10

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What did you think love was when you were 10?

I only knew love at 10 in two forms: real – love from my parents; family and the occasional nod from the family pet; and what I thought love was supposed to be – what I saw on TV,  and in movies. I can remember my first crush at nine — a classmate in my 3rd grade class. I liked him not only because he was handsome, but because I thought he was nice and we could easily talk at school. I didn’t get flustered or conscientious when I was around him, he seemed to like me for me. I didn’t know what to do with my feelings. I was fearful that if I said anything he might reject the idea of us (and therefore me), and didn’t want to risk it. I hoped he might feel the same way and also be struggling with how to share his feelings, but I found out soon enough, that was not the case, when he asked a classmate and close friend of mine to be his girlfriend. I was, in fact, crushed, and if memory serves me right, I voiced this to him. I recall a brief exchange where he wanted me to talk to him about problems he was having with his girlfriend — I heard him out, told him I had no clue how to help him, and ensured I caught his eye. “This wouldn’t have happened with me,” I said (wow, where did I get the guts to say that? I thought). His eyes widened ever so briefly as he had an ‘aha’ moment, he maintained eye contact, smiled a big understanding smile as though he liked the thought (I smiled back), then almost as quickly broke eye contact, cast his head down and frowned realizing the situation he was in. It was nice to understand for a brief moment that maybe he felt the same way I did, and just didn’t know how to express himself.  In my youth, I was always disappointed we weren’t able to maintain the friendship we’d previously had after that point. I moved away a year later and that was that.

My youngest, thankfully, is way ahead of where I was at when I was 10. His Asperger’s gives him clarity on what he likes and doesn’t like, and the ability to voice his opinion without any hesitation (it can be an inspiration and strength in certain situations; a challenge we have to work to overcome in others). He decided this year for Valentine’s Day he wanted to do something with his ‘girlfriend’. Instead of us parents commiserating and deciding where the kids go and what they do, we left it up to them. “Why don’t you call her and ask her what she’d like to do?” I suggested. My husband role-played the phone call with my son to prepare him. He called her and the exchange was pretty priceless. He asked her what she wanted to do, she suggested going to the Aquarium and my son said, “I could be okay with that. I don’t really care where we go. I super-duper don’t really care.” Okay, so we have some work to do on phone etiquette. He hung up the phone and we realized he hadn’t confirmed a time and logistical details. He called back and finalized the afternoon with her. We talked about what he wanted to get her for Valentine’s Day after. He said ‘a card’ and I offered that we might get her something in addition to the card. His thoughts went to candy, mine went a different direction. “What about a wrist corsage,” I asked, “Its small flowers that you can wear on your wrist. She likes flowers, do you think she might like something like that?” My son smiled. “Yes, she would. Let’s get her that!” Okay, so I intervened a little on this one — guiding him to get the girl a present I probably would have flipped over when I was her age.

My son is very clear on what he likes — family, cats and anyone who is nice to others; geography and pretty much everything associated with it; acting/drama; drawing; and his girlfriend. There is no waffling, uncertainty, or ability for anyone not to understand how he feels. It’s a clarity I wished I had more fully owned when I was his age. Clarity around who and what you love seems to make life so much easier.

What does your child love?

Happy Valentine’s Day!