Tag Archives: Parenting

Growing, Growing, Gone

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How prepared is your child to go off on their own?

Our youngest decided to go to an overnight camp on the other side of the country. Worrisome enough for any parent, but throw in the fact that he’s 16, going on his own, and wanted to explore the transit in a large urban area he hadn’t explored (as much as he wanted) before made my nerves go through the roof. Not because my son isn’t capable — he navigated the tube in London flawlessly without ever consulting a map, but because he was going to be doing this on his own. What if he ran into a problem? Or people who were looking to take advantage of a younger person? It helps that my son is tall and people often think he is older than he is, but that can go both ways (good/bad) too. He showed us his itinerary and what he planned to do on his day in the city before the camp came and picked him up.

My husband and I spent time prepping my son. Bringing up scenarios and asking how he would handle or what he would do if he got into a situation where he needed help. It was a moment where we had to let him g(r)o(w) regardless how hard it was for us.

Because my son was going to the other coast there was a time difference and he would already be well on his journey before we woke up. He kept us posted on his stays, checking his luggage, paying train tickets, what routes he was on, etc. via text. I was calm but nervous. I looked forward to him being with the camp folks knowing he was safe.

The day went on, he was fine, and the camp got him safely mid-afternoon. I was relieved, and so proud of my son being able to do what he did. That night when we talked he shared how kind people had been, and how fortunate he’d been to make (train) connections and do all that he did. “We’re proud of you, you know?,” I said as we talked that evening, “but you should be even more proud of what you did yourself. You now know you can do this, and if traveling is something you want to do more of, you took a big step towards doing that.” He smiled and shared that he was proud of himself.

Gaining independence and confidence as you grow helps lessen the scariness of leaving the nest. Even though this mother bird still wants to protect her kids, I know I have to let them g(r)o(w).

How are you helping your child grow confidence in their abilities and independence?

Happy 4th. I’ll be away enjoying time with family and back later in July.

Leaving the Nest

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Where has time gone?

Our oldest graduated from high school and is preparing for what comes next for him in the fall. We anticipate him living on his own and officially leaving the nest, at least for the time being.

At his graduation ceremony I tried to wrap my head around how fast time had gone. When he was born, time seemed to go sooooooo slow. When would he nap? When could we move to the next activity and break up the monotony? How much longer would we be at the park? Or on a walk? When would I talk to another adult about something other than my child? When would I get my body back? Etc.

Time, of course, started to go faster, at least a little, as my son grew, and became more independent—able to dress himself, get himself into the car and more. Time still seemed slower, but faster than it previously was.

When he went to middle school time picked up noticeably, until COVID hit, and it felt like we were back in the early parenting days when time moved like molasses.

In high school, COVID still slowed things but as it lifted time started speeding up. Him getting his drivers license and having more freedom really accelerated time. The last two years a blur. I can remember clearly the permanence of parenthood setting in when he was a few weeks old, and how fleeting the next 18 years had gone by.

It’s a bittersweet feeling. You’ve raised your child, your main role and responsibilities over. And, we’ve raised our child and our main role and responsibilities over.

This is a transition for sure, and I’m working to take it all in. Where we’ve been, where we are, and what comes next. I’d love to slow time, but it’s out of my hands. I’m hopeful we’ve given our son roots with wings, so he flies and wants to spend time with mom and dad in the future.

What milestones are going (or have gone) through? How do you view time?

Dad Moments

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I told my husband, when our first child was born, he’d be closest to him since they shared the same gender. I had read that somewhere (article, or parenting book) and it made sense to me. I had most certainly looked toward my mom to guide me in gender cues and how to behave while growing up. My husband was a little surprised by my comment, not putting much thought into it prior to me raising the point, but he quickly accepted it, as he realized he’d learned gender cues from his father.

Over the years, my husband has leaned into his role, trying to set a good example for his son and raise him to be not only a good person, but someone who’s involved and contributes (in the community and beyond). It’s allowed him to have many memorable moments with our son, in one-on-one interactions — going for runs or walk together to talk “guy” stuff; involvement in Scouts, and exposing our son to the outdoors — caring for the environment while appreciating the beauty and even struggle (making a campfire, climbing a challenging trail; building a shelter); getting him involved in a local soup kitchen to expose him to others different from him — teaching compassion and empathy.

Fathers have a big impact on their children lives, regardless of gender. Being present is the present every child longs for (whether they realize it and appreciate it or not at the time). 😊

Thank you to my husband and all the fathers out there that care, are engaged, and create those moments that are meaningful and impactful.

Happy Father’s Day!

Chopping Wood

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Every good campfire needs wood, kindling, and fire. Everything worth learning takes patience, persistence, and love.

My husband learned to chop wood for fires growing up, whether it was for heating the house, or for cooking and warmth camping. My youngest is now learning how to chop wood, though for a different reason. He’s going to a rail camp and will need to drive and pull railroad spikes as part of the experience. We thought chopping wood — using an axe and learning to handle the weight, and movement — would be a good place to start. We also realized we’ve had few opportunities to teach our boys the skill of chopping wood, since it’s relatively easy to buy bundles near camp sites, and our house doesn’t have a fireplace that uses logs.

My husband and son went into our backyard to practice. My youngest reminded me a bit of myself when I was young and learning new things, being cautious and getting frustrated during the learning process. My husband worked with my son. Being on the spectrum, he can struggle with fine and large motor skills particularly when learning something new. My son frustrated that he was struggling and my husband irritated his guidance wasn’t yielding the intended result. But that happens, right? As parents we try to guide our children through life and it can be infuriating when they struggle to (or flat out don’t) understand, or listen, or follow our direction. We can get angry (because we’re human and it’s super frustrating when our words don’t land), but it also provides us an opportunity to stop, step back, and determine how to go forward. Continuing to do the same thing over and over and expect the result to be different is the definition of insanity, right?

My husband and son reached an impasse and decided to resume chopping wood the following day. My son will get the hang of it. My husband’s words will get through, just slower than he’d like. While the experience might be a bit painful for them both now, the outcome — my son learning to chop wood, and getting himself ready for what he’ll be doing at rail camp. I imagine my son will be proud he can participate with greater ease at camp ( than if he hadn’t learned), and his father will feel good about teaching his son another skill he can use throughout his life.

Teaching your child can be challenging and rewarding. What have you taught your child that pushed your patience, but paid off in the end?

Your Attention, Please

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When was the last time you felt ignored?

With the school year coming to a close there is much going on. Our oldest is graduating and preparing for what comes beyond, our youngest in the school play and planning out how he’d like to spend his time over summer break.

My youngest got upset with me when I told him one evening we’d need him to walk to school the following morning (something he does often, but his preference is to get a ride). With his father, I, and his brother working, and only 2 cars, we are often coordinating on who has which car when. The next afternoon I saw my son and asked how his day was. He pretended to ignore me. I asked again. He continued to ignore me. “Are you ignoring me?”, I asked. I small momentary smile crept into his lips, then the straight face returned. “Why are you ignoring me?,” I asked. He stood up and went into his room. The only thing I could think of was me having him walk to school. He could be upset about that if he needed to be.

I didn’t get much out of him that day which was odd, because he’s more of a talker than his older brother. The next day I was ignored again, asking the same questions and not sure why he was doing it. Was this really over him having to walk to school? I went into his bedroom and he continued to try to ignore until I started trying to tickle his feet (laughter, in my opinion, can sometimes break the mood and get the kids to open up. Jokes, in these situations don’t work, tickling does). He started laughing and squirming his feet away for me. “Mom!” followed by laughter, “Mom, stop!” I stopped. “Then tell me why you’re ignoring me,” I said. He went quiet, but was smiling and walked out of the room towards where our family computer is. “Just tell me what’s going on,” I asked.

He sat down at the computer and when he saw me not leaving he paused and said, “well, if I’m going to be honest, it feels like you’ve been ignoring me lately.” This stunned me. I couldn’t think of where this was coming from but needed to hear him out. “What makes you say that?,” I said. “Well, I know you’re really busy but it doesn’t feel like you’ve been listening to me, or you’re bored when I’m talking to you.” Again, I racked my brain trying to think of when I may have done this. I attempted to briefly defend myself. “What are you talking about? I was the front-of-house stage parent for the show two times last week, I’ve taken you to your appointments…” I stopped. Yes, I did these things, but he said he felt ignored. “Can you give me some examples of when I ignored you?,” I asked hoping he could. “I don’t know, we just haven’t been talking as much and it feels like (older brother) is getting more attention.” I was still perplexed, but acknowledged his feelings, apologized, and empowered him to call me out when he felt I wasn’t paying attention to him.

I discussed it later with my husband. “Do you think this is jealousy?” I asked. My husband thought it might be that we’ve been giving our oldest more positive affirmation in front of his brother, not to make anyone feel better or worse, but it was when the opportunity presented itself. Our oldest for several years kept conversation to a minimum at the dinner table and left as soon as he could. This has changed since he started his senior year (maybe realizing this family time is drawing to a close) and he has been more talkative and engaging at dinner, not always wanting to leave at the first given chance. Hence we’ve had more discussions with and about things going on with him (and including listening to, guiding, challenging him (to think, reflect), and positive affirmation).

It was a good conversation to have with my youngest and my husband. I still believe I am giving my youngest as much attention as I always have, but realize there is more focus and celebration on my oldest with his upcoming graduation. Now that I’m aware based on my youngest being willing to share (I’m often in awe of his emotional intelligence and his ability to communicate his feelings) I know I need to pay better attention to him, and really every member of our family.

Has your child ever ignored you? How did you handle it?

Happy Days

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What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

I like to read, but rarely do these days. For Mother’s Day I was given the day to do what I liked. My oldest gave me a book he had read and we had discussed over Spring Break. The book, Three Days of Happiness by Sugaru Miaki , is based on a young male who is given the opportunity to sell his remaining life span for money. It sounds a bit depressing, but the book makes you think about how we see life, how we approach life (compare ourselves to others, deciding life will be good or bad, worrying about what others think of you and your actions), and being truly free.

In the book, the main character pays the ultimate price in time, but understands by the end that happiness can be experienced by living completely free.

My oldest and I discussed the book after I finished reading it. It brought up topics such as how you approach life (with joy or anger or something else); living life and putting yourself out there — truly bring you; taking risks; and finding happiness as often as you can.

I was reminded of what a Lego Ninjago character (a show my boys watched regularly when they were younger), Sensei Wu said. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, and that is why they call it ‘the present.’” I loved how simple and meaningful that statement is. I shared it with my son (he had to remind me of the character’s name) as we talked about the book, and how easy it is to get caught up thinking about the past, focusing on the future, and not paying attention to the moment you are in. My advice to him, “make an effort to take it all in. The simple things — good weather, birds and nature; and the important things – health, food, safety, shelter; and the things that enrich us -family, friends and community.”

Time is our most precious asset and too often we let it slip by. How do we change that? Awareness? Intention? Or something else!

What makes you and your child happy?

I will be off next weekend for Memorial Day and back in June.

The Perfect Gift for Mom

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I saw a bit on Late Night with Stephen Colbert regarding Mother’s Day gifts. The segment showed what mom’s really want — quiet, alone time, rest. What gift allows mom to do this? Being put in a water well, where no one can find or bother her. 🤣

I craved alone time on Mother’s Day, particularly when my boys were younger, and responsibilities seemed more intense — rarely having time for a breather, respite, or relaxing (thinking it was pretty selfish of me to want any of those things). I felt guilty about wanting the alone time, but knew I needed it. Burn-out from always being “on” in those early years was rough.

Getting the gift of going to a (water) well wouldn’t have been my idea of a good time, I’d probably think “what happens to everyone if I can’t get out of here?”, 🫠 but seeing a movie, going for a walk, or just doing absolutely nothing sounded WONDERFUL.

I asked for it every year, starting in the early years, and my family knows that’s pretty much what I want every year (I don’t even have to ask).

Being a mom is challenging, amazing, and sometimes exhausting. What’s your idea of the perfect Mother’s Day gift?

Parental Support

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Who has helped you through your parenting journey?

We are fortunate to live in a part of the country that has a structured program called Program for Early Parenthood Support (PEPS). It brings together parents with newborns that are close in age (1-3 months, typically). We were able to join a group when our oldest was born.

The support we received from the official PEPS program (which, at the time, ran 12 weeks), with a moderator, topics, sometimes guest/expert speakers, and families (including babies) meeting once a week in each other’s home was invaluable. Following the program most of the parents in our group wanted to keep meeting. Just getting together, knowing we weren’t alone, having others to bounce questions, challenges, and fears set the foundation for a strong community.

Our oldests are seniors in high school now with graduation just around the corner. It’s bittersweet to realize how much time has gone by. The slowness of the early years, the angst of sending them off to school, puberty hitting, teen angst, and now coming into their own.

When we first started meeting, post program, everyone attended. We talked about the kids, because — for the most part — they were too young to know what we were talking about or in another room playing games. As they got older some of the kids connected, others didn’t. The kids would come, but you knew they’d probably rather be somewhere else. 😊 When the kids reached middle school we started to let them decide if they wanted to join us or not. The connection of this group was more meaningful to us parents, because we wanted (needed?) to talk about the kids and struggles we faced, joys we were experiencing, or things that surprised us (my kid is capable of that?!).

None of us know what our kids will eventually end up doing, where they’ll live, etc.. We know just because they are now “adults” we won’t have a say, but hopefully modeled getting support to thrive in tough environments (not sure many environments tougher than parenting). We still very much want to stay connected with this community. We’ve been through so much together.

Parental support is what gets you through the tough times and lets you know you’re not only, and you’ll figure it out. It’s those people — family, friends, doctors, teachers, coaches, mentors, that help us get through the journey together.

Who supports you and your family? Who do you support in return?

Magical Moments

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Magic moments are different for everyone. Some of mine — pausing at a BBQ and taking in all the friends, family, and community surrounding you; playing with the kids outside at twilight while they giggle at seeing fireflies; camping and seeing your family across the campfire as they roast marshmallows. It’s those times that you know are special and will stay with you.

My oldest agreed to go to admitted student day at the local college. I took him now knowing what to expect. He too, didn’t go in with any expectations. As the day progressed, we both realized how special it was. I was blown away at what the school offered its students—academically, recreationally, and community-wise; my son was surprised that he could actually envision himself there. It far exceeded our expectations.

My son suggested we get something to eat as we neared the end of the day. He was animated and wanting to talk. He has to make some big decisions soon (based on deadlines). Instead of trying to steer him any direction I just stopped and soaked in the moment — sitting with my son after a magical day on the cusp of what he does and where he goes next.

We talked the following night — I had to get on a plane to travel for work and was away from home. When we FaceTimed, he shared about his day. When he was done I told him the previous day had been special for me. He said, “me too, Mom.” Don’t know if it gets any better than that.

What magic moments have you and your child experienced?

Thank You, Supporters

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It takes a village to raise a kid. It takes special folks in that village to help your child excel — be exposed to opportunities outside of your area of influence, knowledge, or experience; get a recommendation or be a reference to help your child get where they want to go (school, job, camp, etc.); give them a different view of who they are and what they can offer the world.

My youngest submitted for a summer camp that aligns with his passion in transit. We knew it would be a competitive process when we saw the paperwork (it was similar to applying to college minus having to send your grades and transcript). He had to submit three references in his application. He reached out to three adults who have been influential in his life — a past teacher, a present teacher, and a community leader in transit. He reached out to ask these folks to be references — a bit nervous and uncomfortable in the ask (understandable when you haven’t done this before and afraid you might be burdening someone). He was a bit more comfortable after his dad and I shared that most people want to help other people and most likely these folks would gladly support him, which they did (thank you!!!).

My son had to wait several months to get notified if he’d been accepted. We learned during the parent interview process (yes, this camp is that thorough) that 40 applicants had submitted and they only had room for 20. While good odds (50-50), it upped the anxiety knowing half the kids, who were likely eager to attend this camp might not get to go (including possibly mine). ☹️

The wait ended when our youngest ran out of his room shouting, “I’ve been accepted!” It’s rare you get to see your child so happy. The first thing we discussed was thanking his teachers, and the community leader that supported him as an applicant. I have no doubt their input made the difference.

Who makes up your kid’s village? Who are those supporters you are grateful for?