Tag Archives: Comfort

Spring Eternal

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What do you like about Spring?

Where we live, there are cherry blossom trees that bloom this time of year. We make an evening of it after school and work, and head over to see the trees in bloom and then take in a meal nearby after.

It was fun to take our exchange student to see the trees. I sometimes wonder what she makes of our traditions. 😊 The weather was warmer than usual and sunny (a big plus), and the trees were beautiful though not quite at peak bloom, but that actually helped us because the crowds weren’t as overwhelming as years past, and you could walk around without worrying about running into others.

It was a simple thing to do, to go see nature doing its thing, but boy was it a mental health boost for us. People gathering, enjoying the sights and each other, with the sun making it all that much better. It felt like all was right with the world, or would somehow be okay. It comforted us while there.

When, where, or how has nature had a positive impact on your family?

From Uncomfortable to Comfortable

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What are you uncomfortable talking about with your kid?

Sex was the one I knew I’d struggle the most with, and while we’ve had several conversations with our boys, and I’ve tried to get more comfortable, I haven’t reached a point where I’m at ease with the topic. I am committed to continue working on it. ☺️

As my boys enter adulthood, finding out who they are and trying new things, I know they will experience vulnerability and may make choices they don’t feel good about (even regret), but that’s part of growing up — making mistakes and learning from them.

I happed to be watching a show on escaping a cult, and it reminded me how no one sets out to join a cult, or abuse prescription drugs, or become an alcoholic. It’s something that can happen gradually and can happen to anyone regardless of your background or circumstances. We discussed the show and my thoughts over dinner. I was more comfortable having this conversation, because I had been recruited to join a multi-level marketing scheme when I was a little older than my oldest is now; and have experienced friends and family members who’ve suffered with addiction, including dying from it.

The reason I have experience with cults (or cult-like) was when I was a young adult I was at my parents house my dad found out I was going to a meeting. He inquired what the meeting was about, I told him and he said, “No, you’re not going.” It surprised me because he’d never done that before and took me aback because I could see how serious he was. I heard my dad out, and he shared how the same thing had happened to him when he was my age and it was some good luck that helped him out of the situation. He shared what I was in for if I went. I agreed not to go and am grateful. I’ve heard horror stories from others who got sucked in to this organization. In my situation what was disappointing was the “recruiters” had been a good friend from high school and his parents, who were well-respected in the small town I lived in.

My kids have heard these stories before so I didn’t rehash them. Instead I tested them on what they remembered about our previous talks. “What’s a sign of a cult?” My oldest looked at me quizzically. I prompted him. “They ask you for…” He responded, “money.” I acknowledged he’d got it right. My husband chimed in, “if they try to separate you from your loved ones, that’s a sign too.” We discussed various ways you can get recruited including the lure of self-help or finding love, maybe even offering free courses for a period of time. The big thing I wanted the boys to be aware of was that this could happen, and there is probably recruiting methods that we’re not even aware of, but if they got themselves in a situation where it didn’t feel right — being in a group that might be a cult, noticing the desire to drink or do drugs or other things that might not be best for them — not to get caught in the trap of feeling embarrassed or ashamed, but talking to us about it, or a trusted friend or other adult.

My kids will absolutely make mistakes (I still do at my age, grrrr), but I’m determined to let them know we are here for them, and are a safe space, mistakes and all. It isn’t comfortable having discussions on certain topics, but avoiding them isn’t an option.

What uncomfortable conversations do you struggle with? Which are you getting more comfortable with?

Animals to the Rescue (Again!)

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Have animals been helping comfort you and your family during the pandemic?

Each day when I’m out in the neighborhood, particularly when I’m with my youngest son, we decide how successful our walk is by how many animals we see — cats and bunnies get extra points as we see then more rarely than other animals. Seeing these animals — neighbors walking their dogs, squirrels running between yards and trees, crows scouting out yards for food, bees buzzing, snails making their slow pilgrimage to yummy yards, and hearing birds sing — calms me. It brings happiness to my son. It’s always a topic when we are outside.

I see stuffed animals in windows, to bring younger children joy, and give them something to count while they are out in about. Animals — real or a toy — seem to have an even greater importance to so many of us during this time. I’ve always loved animals, but appreciate them even more now.

We all need something that helps us get through our days. The love of our family goes far, but animals just being (their normal animal selves) gives me a needed boost.

What is giving you and your child comfort (or an extra boost) during your days?

I will be taking next week off to celebrate the Memorial Day weekend and will be back in June.

Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

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What makes your child uncomfortable?

A teacher of my youngest shared that my son was becoming anxious about moving to middle school in the Fall. My son had shared this information with them, and they wanted to make sure my husband and I were aware.

One evening, after we’d had time to get home, eat and decompress for a while, I let my son know that I’d heard he was anxious about the future and wanted to better understand his concern. “What are you most concerned about?” I asked. He put both hands to his forehead. “Well everything!” He paused. “I feel like I’m not going to do well in middle school. 5th grade is harder than 4th.” I could tell by the look on his face he was feeling stress about how he’d navigate the new upcoming unfamiliar territory. He continued, “I do okay in school, but I get bored a lot.” I asked, “Is that because school isn’t challenging enough?” He scoffed, “No, Mom, it’s definitely challenging enough. It’s just I have to learn all this stuff.” I felt like I could almost read his mind, so I offered, “and you’d enjoy it more if they were teaching you about things you were more interested in?” “Yes!” he said. His face relaxed from what I took to be relief at being understood. I asked my son, “Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘a means to an end’?” He shook his head no.”Well, there are some things you have to do in order to get something else. If you want to go to college one day, they’ll expect you to graduate from high school with a degree. You don’t have to like it, but you have to do it and do it well to go. You could think of going to school as a means to an end.” He seemed to ponder this for a minute. “But it makes me really uncomfortable thinking about all the work I’ll have to do. How will I figure it out?” I reminded him that he’s only in 5th grade. “What is the point of teachers, aides, parents, etc.? We are all here to help. The unknown can feel scary, and can make you uncomfortable but there are lots of people ready to help you along the way, okay? Life can make us uncomfortable sometimes it’s getting to a place where you can be comfortable being uncomfortable, does that make sense?,” I asked. “Yea, I think so,” he said, “thanks, Mom.” I could tell at this point he was ready to get back to screen time so we ended our talk.

The future can be scary, and make you anxious or uncomfortable, that’s normal. I’ve experienced it as an adult — when I became a parent, when my job responsibilities changed, when I wrote my book and started doing public speaking for example — but I knew if I wanted to achieve goals in life, I needed to embrace the discomfort and knew the best way to lessen the discomfort was with experience.

I feel discomfort when my child comes to me with problems I don’t know how to solve. I guess that’s just life, but I’m glad my child is willing to open up to me. We’ll work through our respective discomfort together.

How you help your child deal with anxiety, stress or discomfort?

What Brings Us Together

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It’s Super Bowl Sunday. An American tradition of coming together with family and friends and watching the big game, while enjoying rich food and celebrating competition.

Our family found the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet in recent years which airs at the same time as the Super Bowl. In the Puppy Bowl they do an animal take on the big game with puppies of different breeds playing together. And while there is some competition (e.g. which dog will finish the task first) it is more about watching these adorable animals interact. My youngest son loves puppies and anything ‘cute’ so the Puppy Bowl is a hit for him. My oldest son, husband and I found it quite cute ourselves after watching it for a few minutes. It is much more enjoyable for us than watching violent hits, boasting players and beer commercials, and I should note I actually like watching football normally. The Super Bowl just seems like a game on steroids (literally and figuratively?).

With all the chaos of the last week the Puppy Bowl got me thinking. Animals don’t differentiate between people. Animals are eager and willing to meet (and play) with people they have just met happily (unless, of course, they have been mistreated). We should take a lesson from the animals playbook.  Our pets and our love for them bring us together.  People from all races, religions, and countries love their pets. People’s love for these creatures is universal. Animals have a magical quality of meeting us where we are, and excepting us how we are without judgement. They provide love, comfort, companionship, and joy (and much more). My sons love animals and are asking us for a pet (and we’re hoping there may be some in our future). My husband and I grew up with animals and remember how important they were to us.

Puppies aren’t the only cute critters having a bowl game today. There is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel. My youngest is looking forward to seeing both the kittens and puppies play, and so is the rest of my family. We might tape the ‘big game’ and fast forward through to see the commercials later, and while either the Patriots or Falcons will become the Super Bowl Champions, the animals are winning out this year.

How is your family celebrating it being Super Bowl Sunday?  What do you and your family love most about animals?

 

Kids Choice – Dealing With Loss

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When have you had to console your child when they experience loss and there is no way to soften the impact? It’s heart wrenching, right?

I had one of those moments on Tuesday night. While I was shocked as the results were coming in (and trying to handle my confusion and intense disappointment as discretely as I could), I wasn’t expecting my kids reaction. When I went to tuck them in, my youngest asked me if Hillary won. I told him “it doesn’t look like it.” He got fear in his eyes. He started to cry in a way I’ve never seen. What he said next jarred me. He didn’t say, “Why?” or “How could this happen?” That would have been expected. Instead he said, “Oh my gosh. We’re going to go to war! The country is going to be so bad.” War? I thought. Where did that come from? He’s really scared to think we are going to war. And how in the world did he grasp my own fears? That our country is taking a huge step backwards for women and minorities, the sick, the poor and mentally ill and all other marginalized groups. My older son joined in the conversation, he was equally distressed. “Why can’t kids vote? We never would have let someone like him be President.” My son made a good point.

Children have a wonderful inability to filter themselves when they are young. And they have an even greater ability to filter through BS. Politically correct is, well, not in their vocabulary. While there are certainly situations where you can grimace as a parent for what your child said out loud, there is something very straightforward about their views. They see things for what they truly are and convey them in black and white terms: you are nice, you are not nice; you are good, you are bad; etc. This ability came through Tuesday night. “I hate that I’m not allowed to vote until I’m 18. That’s ridiculous. If you asked the kids, none of us would ever vote for someone who was so mean, hateful and a bully!” my oldest said. While there was a big part of me that wanted to join in and bash the results and those who voted for the other side, I could tell what my kids most needed was for someone to tell them that everything is going to be okay, even though as their parent, and a woman, I’m not sure I believe it.

“It’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this,” I said. My youngest son didn’t buy it. He looked me in the eyes with that same terror pleading me to tell him I was kidding, or somehow the election results were going to turn out differently.  I didn’t know what else to do but to hug him. We were both experiencing a huge unexpected loss. We both felt the impact, and while they say time heals all wounds, this seems like a wound that will be opened for the next four years at a minimum.

I am grateful for educators at my kids school that brought the kids together to talk through the results and let the students voice their opinions to help them deal with their feelings. I am grateful for where I live and how people here are willing to stand up and say #notmypresident. And that many business leaders and local government officials have publicly said that won’t tolerate discrimination and hate, and are trying to give grieving adults the same message I gave my boys — we’ll get through this somehow. We just have to stick together.

Sometimes you can’t make sense of things, and sometimes you have to figure out how to make the best of a situation. I love the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.” There feels like a lot of darkness right now and I, as a parent, need to figure out how to light a candle. I can’t let an election determine how my neighbors, or my kids classmates and their families are treated, we all are more alike than different and we all have to figure out how to come together and work together. No more division, no more fear.

How do you console your child when you are in an inconsolable situation, regardless if its the loss of a loved one or the results of an election?  How are you helping your child when you are experiencing your own grief?

 

I’m Scared

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As a kid, what were you afraid of?

Our neighbor is really into Halloween. Each year, their front yard becomes a mini haunted house. I have to admit I was a little concerned how my children would react to the realistic skeletons, blood fountain (yes) and fake guillotine when they were younger, but up until this year they seemed more curious than frightened by them. My oldest son said, “Mom, I know this hasn’t bothered me in the past, and this isn’t real, but it kinda scares me.” I knew what he meant. There seems to be a shift at some age where things that you didn’t really notice or comprehend become scary.

My earliest memory of being scared was of shadows cast in my bedroom as a child from the door not being closed all the way and light coming in from the hallway. I’m sure I’d read or heard stories of monsters living under children’s beds, and while I logically knew the possibility was very small, the slightest possibility unnerved me. When I voiced my fear to my parents, I was often consoled and told, “It’s not real, don’t worry about it.” Easier said than done, right? The mind has the capacity for great imagination.

As a parent, my kids are now experiencing fear in their own way. Whether it’s the neighbors Halloween decorations or the unexplained noise (our house is old, and known to creak), or being afraid of the dark, it’s all very real to them. I sat my kids down after one of the boys asked if vampires were real. “Do you think people would be walking around outside ever if vampires were real?” I saw that I got their attention so I continued. “Doo-dee-doo, look at me, I’m just strolling along, hoping no vampire is going to come and get me.” With that, my boys started to smile. Realizing what I was saying was true seemed to comfort them. I added, “Same for werewolves, mummies, and zombies. We wouldn’t have a lock on our door, we’d live in a metal vault that would require a million different codes to get in. We’d never see our neighbors cause they’d have the same thing. Man, how’d we get groceries (and who’d work at the grocery store all open and exposed for some vampire to walk on in), or get to work or school, or go out and do anything fun if all these things that were trying to kill or eat us were all around?” Now my boys were laughing. They got it…vampires, werewolves, mummies and zombies aren’t real.

But it was a good reminder. Fear is real, and needed for survival. It gets complicated when we talk about things worth really fearing in our world. But that’s a talk for another day. In the meantime, I’ll continue to look for ways to help my children understand those things they need not fear at all.

How do you help your child work through fear they are experiencing? How do you explain all the ‘scary stuff’ that comes out at Halloween?

Enjoy the extra hour of sleep following Halloween. I’ll be back in early November.