Category Archives: Teen

Feeling Lost

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Have you ever felt lost as a parent?

Feeling lost, when you’re a new parent, is very common. You’re learning as you go. If you’re like me, you settle into the role (at some point) and feel more confident in your capabilities, though you know you never have all the tools, guidance, knowledge, or wisdom you need. You do your best, and when you mess up, you acknowledge your mistake, make amends (if needed), learn, and do something different going forward.

I felt a new kind of lost this past week. Wanting to support my oldest as he advocated for himself around how he wanted to contribute to his football team, and wanting to help him not make a mistake — leave something he loved doing because in-the-moment he wasn’t sure if his passion for it was still there or not. I tried balancing listening, making myself available to talk, giving advice, holding my tongue, and supporting him. I worked to be aware and walk with him (great advice a friend gave me months ago), versus steer him one way or another. It was so very hard.

He talked to his coaches, he decided he no longer wanted to play. As a parent, I was concerned, not that he didn’t want to play, but that he might regret not playing at some point (this season or years down the road). His coaches talked to him some more and asked him to reconsider. We (my son and I) talked more, I gave more advice (reminding myself to walk beside, not steer), I waited — so hard. He notified the coaches his decision was final. That worried me, what if he changed his mind in a few weeks? He had set the proverbial bridge on fire with his coaches, they wouldn’t beg him to play.

My son then went to turn in his gear. He was gone longer than I expected. I waited. When he got home I could see he was happy, a happy I hadn’t seen in a while. Not a relieved happy, but a “I’m at peace” happy. I asked him how it went and he shared he’d talked to the coaches and they asked him if he’d like to help out with the team — do filming, help with equipment, and coaching. He loved that idea and agreed to stay on the team in that capacity. It felt like an answer to prayers (and there were a lot of them from this worrying mom😊). It was unexpected, and yet such a great alternative for my son.

What I took away from all this was my son is becoming his own man, my thoughts/guidance/advice were welcome this time, but only because we walked through this (his father as well) together. If I was lost (as a parent), I grew by letting my son own his decision, and supporting him through the process.

So much of parenting feels new at the beginning, but I’m finding as my son reaches adulthood, the new keeps on coming. I’m curious what other new parenting growth is on the horizon for me, but am in no rush to find out. I’ll just keep on walking for now.

What growth have you experienced as a parent lately?

I’ll be off for Labor Day weekend and back in September.

The Planner

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Who plans family vacations or activities in your family?

In my family, it’s me. A bit of wanting to have some control over accommodations we stay in, or how close the campsite is to the showers, how early or late we’ll arrive, etc. gives me peace of mind. My husband is happy to turn this over to me.

Our oldest is thinking thru his next steps after high school. We’ve asked him to do some college visits, as an option to pursue. We’ve done two visits so far and asked him to do a third. Because of the timing, my husband and son will be doing this next trip. While I’m normally the planner and would figure things out, I turned it over to my husband since I won’t be on the trip.

He started scheduling visits — my son and he decided since they’d be on the road, they may as well see additional schools. He thought he had it wrapped up, and then learned one school visit conflicted with another and had to start scheduling the visits again. This went over for nearly an hour. I knew my husband was getting frustrated, but was working hard to keep his cool while I was there because he knows I deal with similar situations each time we travel. I feel like he had a greater appreciation for what us planners go through to pull off a successful trip after finally figuring out their schedule. 😊

I’ve relinquished my responsibilities for planning this trip, and while it puts me outside my comfort zone, because, oh how I want to jump in and just get everything figured out, I know my husband is capable, and it’s good for my son to see his dad taking the reigns. My son may be the planner in his future family, who knows, but seeing his father do it (successfully) shows him what’s possible.

Who plans trips or activities in your family? How are you teaching (or showing) your child what goes into the planning?

I’ll be away for some summer fun with the family, before school starts, and will be back later in the month.

MVP

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Who hasn’t dreamed of being a MVP?

My oldest took on a community project that ended up being more than he realized. With a lot of input from his father and I, other mentors, and community leaders he figured out what he needed to do and how to get the large task done.

His grandfather learned of his grandson’s project and wanted to be part of his work crew. He considered it a “bucket list” item that he’d treasure — getting to accomplish something with him. The work was grueling — hot sun, and a smallish work crew. Grandpa let my son lead, it was his project, but gave him pointers throughout — if you’re going to do something do it right, you want to look back and be proud of your work; and don’t cut corners — it ends up costing you more wasted time (and possibly money and energy) in the end. My oldest took what his grandfather said to heart, particularly when they were supposed to finish the job in four days, but weren’t going to meet the milestone.

My son said he felt defeated and wallowed in things not going according to plan, from a timeline perspective. When another adult asked, “what are you going to do?,” since time was up but the project not finished. “I’m going to work until it’s finished,” my son replied.

He and his granddad went back on the fifth day, recruited a few new crew members and finished the work. They were worn out. My son come home and joined us outside for dinner. His grandfather came out a few minutes later. My son chanted, “MVP, MVP, MVP,” to his grandad. Clearly my son felt his grandfather played a winning role in helping him get his project done. It might have been a bucket list item for his grandfather, but it will be a wonderful memory my son will carry throughout his life.

How are you (or other family members) helping your child/kid/teen achieve their goals?

Let’s Go to the Zoo

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What is a favorite activity you do with your child (kid/teen)?

When my boys were young, going to the zoo was a regular occurrence. It got us out of the house, they loved looking at the animals, and taking part in the interactive exhibits. This lasted until they were seven or eight and the zoo lost its appeal to them.

We were fortunate enough to take a dream vacation (something my husband and I have saved years for) and had a day where our boys wanted to do different things during our free time. Imagine my surprise when my oldest told me he wanted he and I to go to the zoo (I had secretly wanted to go to the zoo, but figured I was the only one and hadn’t even offered it up as an option). Of course I said “yes”.

As we headed off on a ferry to get to the zoo I asked my son why he wanted to go. He said, “mom, we’re in a cool place with unique animals, I think we need to see them while we’re here, don’t you?” I laughed and agreed. He had made a good point. What my son didn’t know was that it was nostalgic for me, and oh so special, knowing this was the last time I’d take my “boy” to the zoo. I stayed present through your time there and marveled at how he made sure we saw every animal and exhibit there.

The vacation was an amazing trip, but I couldn’t, in my wildest dreams, imagine I’d get to have this new amazing memory with my son.

What activities will you miss once your child is grown?

Summertime Summertime Sum Sum Summertime…

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If you know the song, I won’t ask you to resist the urge to stop singing it.😊

The arrival of summer makes me happy — sunshine, warmer weather, and vacation around the corner. Whether it’s a camping trip, driving or flying to a new destination, BBQ, pool party, or just doing something different over the weekends, there is something special about summer. The cherry on top for me is the break from shuttling kids around, appointments and everything else that goes along with kids and school.😎

We all have the itch for our summer vacation this year. It’s a trip that was postponed in 2020. My guess is many of you are catching up on delayed trips/time away. My sons can’t wait. We talk about the trip almost daily (even our oldest who doesn’t excite easily is joining in, asking questions, and seems to share our anticipation). We all just…can’t…wait.

What are you most looking forward to this summer?

Have a wonderful Fourth. I’ll be away for a few weeks and back the latter part of July.

Impossible

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My youngest is doing theatre in high school. The school has a reputation for putting on Broadway quality shows. It was amazing when he got a part in the Spring Musical as a freshman (only five others, of a cast of 65, joined him).

In elementary school, he enjoyed theatre practice. In high school, he’s found it’s more serious, takes more time, and the stakes are higher (some kids are hoping to make a career with their abilities). Sometimes he’s found what was being asked of him impossible. My son hasn’t enjoyed theatre most of the year because of the intensity of it all – learning dance routines, songs, choreography, and more. While we told him he was committed to seeing the musical through, he voiced doubts about wanting to continue beyond this year (sad for his father and I because he’s pretty good at theatre and has been the one school activity he’s been willing to participate in).

The play, Cinderella, opened last week. Even though we had the hiking scare and he sprained his ankle, the brace he wore allowed him to perform. With each performance his enjoyment of theatre has returned. Unsure if he’s enjoying the fruits of his labor — seeing that he learned all the dances, songs, movement, or the audiences response is getting him to change his view — with tons of applause throughout the show because the performance, stage design, tech crew, and orchestra are just that good. The best part, he’s interested in continuing theatre beyond this year.

A song in the play is titled, “Impossible”, and it seems fitting for my son…thinking something is impossible only to figure out it’s possible after all. 😊

What has your child figured out is possible?

Brothers in Need

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Do you always get along with your sibling(s)?

My oldest often thinks his younger brother is super annoying. I remember my sister feeling the same way about me when we were in high school. It isn’t often you see my oldest interacting with his brother outside of meal time or out in front of the TV. They have different interests, friend groups, activities, etc.

We went hiking over the long weekend. We were nearing the last steep climb when my youngest, who was trailing us all, yelled “stop! I need help.” We turned to find him off to the side of the trail in pain. He’d lost his footing, his ankle rolled and he heard a pop sound. 😬 We were at least a mile away from getting to flat ground and where he could be helped. It was one of those moments where you think how are we going to get through this? We had him rest on the side of a hill, while we dug through our packs to see what we had (of course, we’d ran out of ace bandages and hadn’t replenished the pack, and started to think in terms of building a splint out of sticks). Before we proceeded we asked our son if he could move his foot – it hurt, but he could. We asked if he could put weight on it – it hurt, but he could. We asked if he could walk – it hurt, but if we went slowly, he could.

His father and I attempted to have him walk and lean on us, but both of us are shorter than both of our sons by 4 to 5 inches. Our oldest is about the same height as his brother and works our regularly, so being able to support his brother was a better fit, but would he do it?

Once he saw the pain his brother was in, he agreed to help without any opposition. He had his brother put his arm across his back and told him to take weight off his injured foot. He encouraged his brother, “it’s going to be okay. Make sure you watch where you’re putting your feet. You can put more of your weight on me, I can take it.” It was a wonderful moment to witness. It took considerably longer for us to finish our hike, but we were able to get our son out without issue.

We talked afterwards about what we’d remember most from this trip. The fun we’d had together, or our son hurting his ankle? While his ankle still hurts, I’m guessing his older brother showing his love for him might be what he (and his father and I) remember most from this trip.

When have you experienced (or witnessed) sibling love?

Instagram Catfish

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My youngest is on the spectrum and struggles making strong connection with his peers. This can be especially hard when you’re a teen, going through puberty, exploring your sexuality, and becoming more independent.

Our youngest son is one of the most ‘innocent’ people you could meet. His emotional intelligence is through the roof (he has empathy that is beyond compare), he loves animals, and spends countless hours online learning about world geography, other cultures, transit systems, and follows politics. He has very little interest in things I think most parents of teens fear — nudity/pornography, alcohol, or drugs.

My husband and I are aware our sons are on Instagram, but thought it too, particularly for our youngest, was innocent. We found out we had reason for concern when my husband saw our youngest son texting (chat function) with another user and appeared to be trying to hide what he was messaging from his father. My husband decided to inquire who our son was talking to while we were at the dinner table. My son got very quiet and seemed embarrassed. He shared he had started to confide some of his secrets to this stranger including his wants and desires because it felt ‘safe.’ When we challenged our son on who this person was, how old, etc., we learned this person was in their 30s. I appreciated my son’s honesty but was beside myself, as we’ve talked to our boys about being online and never sharing information or trusting who is on the other end, especially if you haven’t met or seen them in-person. I was more upset by the adult on the other end who allowed/continued the conversation even though he knew my son (based on his age being on his profile) was underage. Beyond the emotions I was experiencing, I could see how lonely my son felt, and how he’d been looking for an outlet to share his feelings and thoughts with others. outside mom and dad, and while I get it, it still terrified me.

My son realized the errors of his ways, blocked this ‘friend’ and gave me his login information so we can monitor the app and ensure he’s connecting safely with others his own age. He wants his independence but realizes he lost some of our trust but hiding this from us. We’ve always advocated for our kids to talk to us about anything and everything, even if it’s uncomfortable (for them or us, especially us (meaning my husband and I)). He feels like he lets us down, and we feel like we let him down (how didn’t we know?, how could we or should we have been helping him?, etc.).

We talked about making mistakes, that’s how we learn and grow, and while he’s becoming more independent, he still has knowledge to gain. He agreed, though still feeling embarrassed and ‘stupid’ for not knowing better. We just reminded him now he does.

Social media, like any technology has its pros and cons. I like that it allows users to connect on their interests or passions. I’m not a fan of some of the unforeseen risks inherent with letting younger folks (whose frontal lobe hasn’t fully formed) converse easily with folks who may be legit, or may be a catfish.

I’m still working to recalibrate my brain around what we learned. Some of my son’s innocence is gone, but I should expect that with age. I’m reminded I need to stay on top of how my son is connecting with others and getting his needs met (e.g., making friends that allow his to be himself, share openly, trust with secrets), and what my husband and I (and his therapist) can do to help.

How do you keep a pulse on your teen’s interactions on social media? How are you helping them know the dangers, while giving them freedom to explore who they are and their interests?

Walking Beside

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My oldest is becoming a young adult and thinking through what they want to do beyond high school. As I’ve previously shared, I thought college for them was a given, and they don’t share that view (though their view tends to change from day to day). 😊

It was helpful being with a large group of our friends (we were celebrating one of their birthdays). As we sat together we raised the issue, shared our concerns, and sought other points of view and feedback. One friend offered this was our opportunity to “walk with” our son on his journey as he continues to figure out who he is and wants to be. That was so helpful for me to hear and think about. It reminded me not to try to control, manipulate, or be passive aggressive about the situation with my son out of fear, but to have more open dialogue with our son, set a plan to help him make the best decision for himself (my husband’s idea—brilliant). We want him to know he’s supported and loved by us no matter what.

It’s tough when you have to let go—let your child test the waters, earn their wings and fly. They’ll make mistakes—it’s the only way we learn and grow. I just need to walk beside him. Not carry him. Not push him. Just walk beside. It’s something new I’m learning, but already feeling optimistic about my own growth as a parent of an almost-adult child. It’s a transition and definitely not easy for me.

How are you helping your child be more independent? How are you supporting goals they have that don’t align with your vision for them?

Know it All

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Is your child/teen a know-it-all?

I recall going through this phase in high school, around the same age as my oldest is now, thinking yea, I understand pretty much everything, what else is there to learn? I can even recall some male classmates raising this and we all agreed. We thought we had it all figured out. Cue laughter, right?

I realize my son’s brain is still forming and he is trying to gain more independence and determine who he is, but the angst I feel — particularly as his time under my roof is shortening, I stress. What have I not taught him? Will he still listen to me, my advice, and guidance? Or has that period of time already passed me by? Does he see his good qualities, does he recognize his strengths? What logic is he using to make decisions? And the list goes on.

He’s a good kid. Yes, I’m biased but believe it to be true. He’s not rebelling outwardly (other than minimal communication). His grades are good. Friends nice. He involved in activities. Than why do I feel so uncertain about preparing him for his future? What have I missed? How can I still help shape who he’ll become?

You might say ‘listen to him’ — when he speaks, believe me I listen. 😊 Don’t judge or criticize — that one may be hard for me especially if I think he’s making a mistake, but I’m going to try. Work to understand him — if he’ll let me, I’m there! And I’m sure there’s more (including being empathetic).

It’s funny how you think you have everything figured out as a teen, and question what you know when you have one. 🥰 Im trying to practice empathy for myself during this period and trying to take it one day at a time.

What advice help you get through uncertain times with your kid?