Category Archives: Teen

Magical Moments

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Magic moments are different for everyone. Some of mine — pausing at a BBQ and taking in all the friends, family, and community surrounding you; playing with the kids outside at twilight while they giggle at seeing fireflies; camping and seeing your family across the campfire as they roast marshmallows. It’s those times that you know are special and will stay with you.

My oldest agreed to go to admitted student day at the local college. I took him now knowing what to expect. He too, didn’t go in with any expectations. As the day progressed, we both realized how special it was. I was blown away at what the school offered its students—academically, recreationally, and community-wise; my son was surprised that he could actually envision himself there. It far exceeded our expectations.

My son suggested we get something to eat as we neared the end of the day. He was animated and wanting to talk. He has to make some big decisions soon (based on deadlines). Instead of trying to steer him any direction I just stopped and soaked in the moment — sitting with my son after a magical day on the cusp of what he does and where he goes next.

We talked the following night — I had to get on a plane to travel for work and was away from home. When we FaceTimed, he shared about his day. When he was done I told him the previous day had been special for me. He said, “me too, Mom.” Don’t know if it gets any better than that.

What magic moments have you and your child experienced?

Thank You, Supporters

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It takes a village to raise a kid. It takes special folks in that village to help your child excel — be exposed to opportunities outside of your area of influence, knowledge, or experience; get a recommendation or be a reference to help your child get where they want to go (school, job, camp, etc.); give them a different view of who they are and what they can offer the world.

My youngest submitted for a summer camp that aligns with his passion in transit. We knew it would be a competitive process when we saw the paperwork (it was similar to applying to college minus having to send your grades and transcript). He had to submit three references in his application. He reached out to three adults who have been influential in his life — a past teacher, a present teacher, and a community leader in transit. He reached out to ask these folks to be references — a bit nervous and uncomfortable in the ask (understandable when you haven’t done this before and afraid you might be burdening someone). He was a bit more comfortable after his dad and I shared that most people want to help other people and most likely these folks would gladly support him, which they did (thank you!!!).

My son had to wait several months to get notified if he’d been accepted. We learned during the parent interview process (yes, this camp is that thorough) that 40 applicants had submitted and they only had room for 20. While good odds (50-50), it upped the anxiety knowing half the kids, who were likely eager to attend this camp might not get to go (including possibly mine). ☹️

The wait ended when our youngest ran out of his room shouting, “I’ve been accepted!” It’s rare you get to see your child so happy. The first thing we discussed was thanking his teachers, and the community leader that supported him as an applicant. I have no doubt their input made the difference.

Who makes up your kid’s village? Who are those supporters you are grateful for?

Don’t Fear Failure, Be Terrified of Regret

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We all fear failure, at least to some degree. Whether it’s fear of embarrassment, or confirming a negative doubt or flaw we think about ourselves, we’ll often go to great lengths to avoid it.

I’ve thought of that in my early days of parenting, wanting to be ‘perfect’ or as close to perfect as was possible and being terrified of ‘failing.’ It required me to open my mind by listening to our parents further along in their journey, my own parents, and allowing myself to pivot from fear of failure to awareness to the person I wanted to be (and how I’d show up for myself, spouse, and boys), and the experiences I wanted to have as a parent. I could ‘fail’ or make mistakes any time (we’re human), but being aware forced me to be intentional, which helped me in what actions, words, and engagements looked like — I didn’t want you to have any regrets parenting my kids.

Now my oldest is figuring out his path in life post high school. I shared him a wise saying I heard, “don’t fear failure, be terrified of regret.” I don’t want him to take the easy route because the other is hard, scary, or he might fail. I shared he should want to be challenged (because easy is boring), and if he tries and it doesn’t work out, he won’t regret it, but if he never tries he likely will.

Parenting and life can be scary at times. Wanting to do and be your best all the time an admirable goal. Letting intention (how, when, and where you want to show up for yourself and others) be your guide doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes, it just means you’ll minimize regrets you experience in life.

What fear did you face and overcome to avoid regret?

I’ll be off again spending time with family during Spring Break and will be back later in the month.

Disagreement Among Friends

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When was the last time you got into a disagreement with a good friend?

My oldest and his best friend got into a disagreement. I only know this because my son wanted to talk to me when he woke up (and when my oldest wants to talk you know something is on his mind). I asked him what was going on. “We got into a fight. I don’t think I owe him an apology and don’t think did anything wrong.”

I listened to his side of the story. His best friend and he were going to hang out after work. My son got an offer from a co-worker (his age) to do something after work. My son let his best friend know his plans had changed and they likely wouldn’t be able to hang out (several hours before they were supposed to meet). He thought it wasn’t a big deal and his best friend wouldn’t care, but it did matter because when my son reached out to tell his best friend to have a good time with someone else the following day his best friend replied, “screw you.” Clearly his friend was hurt.

We talked about changing roles and if he were his friend and his friend him would he have felt the same — hurt. Possibly, my son said. Had he thought about why he was digging in to not apologizing to his best friend — was it the need to be right? Or he really didn’t think he’d done anything wrong? We talked about he and his friend nearing a crossroads in their lives — the end of high school and their lives possibly taking them different places. It can be an unsettling time — what does the future hold, what will happen with the friendship that has meant so much, and what if this person is no longer in my life?

Growing up, becoming more independent, and figuring out who you are can feel scary and overwhelming at times, and the realization that you’ll be soon leaving the cocoon of youth terrifying and exciting.

I offered some different ways my son can try to work through this issue with his friend without necessarily apologizing — ‘you seem upset and I want you to better understand why, let’s talk when you’ve cooled down (or are ready).’ We talked about the need in any relationship to have hard conversations to gain better insight and find a path to resolution — whether that means the relationship stays in tact or not.

Losing a friend is always hard, fighting for a friendship (or relationship) can be harder, but you typically have a sense for the ones worth making the effort to save — whether you apologize or just hear each other out. Respecting each other enough to work through your differences and make it through to the other side.

How do you resolve issues with a friend (or spouse)? How are you helping your child when they have disagreements with their friend(s)?

I will be off next week celebrating Easter with family and friends and return in April.

The Luckiest

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What bit of luck have you had in your life lately?

Sun after rainy days, a friend reaching out unexpectedly, your child sharing about their day without prompting, are just a few of the things that remind me how fortunate I am.

I’ve traveled for work recently and felt loved when both my boys seemed genuinely happy to see me upon my return, even getting a big hug from my oldest (RARE!). 🤣 My oldest reached out for support and an ear to listen when he was having a tough day on the job. My youngest wanted to brainstorm with my husband and I regarding logistics of getting to and from a school trip that will require him to get himself home. A friend and I are planning a trip later in the year — it’s nice to connect more regularly and experiencing together the anticipation of the trip. Everyone is healthy and well. Nothing particularly special per se, but each warms my heart and makes me feel lucky and blessed (and undeservedly so). I wouldn’t trade any of it even for a pot of gold ☘️.

What luck do you and your family have in your life?

Pay Day

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What questions come up in your family about money?

When our kids were young, my husband and I agreed we wanted to teach our kids about money, saving, investing, and planning for their futures.

A Scout merit badge helped us educate our sons during a summer trip to Yosemite. But that was one conversation, and we all know that to learn and really comprehend something you have to either hear it over and over, or experience it for yourself.

My youngest is starting to think about work and what he might due to earn money while he’s still in high school. After talking about places he might like to work, the conversation turned to how frequently you get paid. That started a conversation we haven’t had in a while. Our oldest is an hourly worker and gets paid weekly. My husband and I have different pay schedules (bi-weekly and monthly). The kids were very interested in the salaried jobs (you get the same amount of money whether you work 40 hours or 60?!?), and overtime (they like the thought of more $$$). It was an unexpected conversation but a good and needed one. Knowledge is power, right?

How are you teaching your child about earning, saving, and planning for their future?

Decisions

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Certain decisions in our life can have big(ger) consequences than others. I’ve shared before about how my oldest is figuring out where he wants to go after high school — college or trade route.

He ended up applying to a couple of universities and is starting to get decisions from them. His most recent was a deferment. He was crushed (which makes me think he’s more interested in going to college than he’s let on), but we reminded him the school is still reviewing his application and there is still a chance he’ll get in.

The bigger thing I wanted him to take away from all of this is to think of where he goes next in different terms. If he doesn’t get accepted, maybe it will allow another student who will benefit more than he would (based on opportunities he has that others may not) from going to that school; or that the school may not be where he needs to be (I believe we are put where we need to be even when we can’t understand it at the time — I get this may be flawed thinking but it helps me in trying times). I also shared if he has his heart set on this school, he can go to another school for his first two years and then transfer. He has options, many others don’t.

Still, I feel for him. Rejection (real or perceived) is painful. He will learn from this (and his own resilience), regardless of what happens. I just continue to remind myself to walk with him as long as he’ll allow me to.

How do you support your child through a disappointing experience?

I’ll be off next week and back in March.

Puppy Bowl

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Do you and your family watch the Super Bowl?

We normally do, but it’s pretty low-key. Just us and some pizza or snacks. Mainly watching the commercials and sometimes the game (if it’s competitive or we have a team in the mix).

This year, our oldest, who is a huge sports fan shared he was underwhelmed by the matchup and said, “remember how we watched the Puppy Bowl when we were younger?” I smiled and acknowledged I remembered, he continued, “do you think we could watch that instead of the game this year!” I had to work to not let a loud “ahhh!” escape my lips. His ask was so cute, almost vulnerable, and quite unlike my oldest. I wonder if he’s realizing us watching the Super Bowl (or any shows) together is nearing an end, and he’s having some nostalgia for earlier days. Regardless, I’ll take it!

Watching the Super Bowl or Puppy Bowl makes no difference to me. My kids wanting to watch with us is the prize. How many folks think there will be some puppies named Taylor, or Swift, or Travis, or Kelce in the Puppy Bowl? Guess we’ll have to tune in and find out.

Enjoy the game!

The Test

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My youngest has been learning to drive for a little over a year. If it were left up to him, he’d never drive or get a car. He saw little value in getting a license. His father and I thought it important that he learn. “Having a driver’s license, and knowing how to drive is important.” He heard my words, but didn’t necessarily agree.

Practicing driving is nerve-racking for most parents. I desperately tried to keep my cool with him, but would occasionally (especially in the early drives) reach for the grab handle, or brace myself (maybe even close my eyes for a second?) as he drove too close to one side of the road or other, went too slow on the interstate, or struggled to change lanes with ease. I was proud that I rarely ever made an audible sound (unlike my own mom who was known for gasping, which made me more nervous, when I was learning to drive).

Our son finally got to a point where he could finally take the driving test. The first test we showed up for we learned he needed to take the knowledge test first (which we thought he’d already completed as part of the driving school classes he had taken), so we had to get that cared for. We practiced the questions night after night and a week later he took the test and passed. He was elated. Now we needed to take the driver’s test. We arrived to the appointment only to learn the evaluator was sick. He had been mentally prepared to take the test both times — aware of the importance of the test, and dealing with the nervousness you experience just wanting it over and behind you. He was disappointed but there was nothing we could do but reschedule the test.

We arrived at the testing facility. They said the test would take about 20 minutes. I found a nearby coffee shop and grabbed a drink to kill time. I was so nervous for my son. I wanted him to succeed. I knew he was prepared, but also nervous, and was unsure how it might go. I told him before the test that in the grand scheme of things the test means nothing. If he didn’t pass, we’d work on what he got wrong and he’d take the test again. It’s not like he was getting a terrible medical diagnosis or we were wondering where we’d sleep tonight, that it was just a test to prove he knows how to operate a car safely. I don’t know if it helped him, but it certainly helped me keep things in perspective.

He came back about 30 minutes later in the school car. He looked fine as he drove the car into the school garage. He came outside trying to keep a straight face. “You passed, didn’t you?” I asked. He smiled, “man, I was hoping to fool you!” His smile got as big as I’ve seen. He was so happy, tears of joy happy, relief, and pride that he had accomplished getting his license.

I was so happy for and proud of him. Being on the spectrum brought unique challenges to how he took driving instruction (particularly from his father and I), and learned how to drive, but he did it. The test seemed big and scary, but he overcame. Each success gives him that much more confidence in his growing independence. Now, if I could only get him to take the car out on his own (maybe even run an errand for mom?). 🥰

What’s a test your child experienced that helped them gain confidence from?

Laser Focused

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What is your child into?

My youngest is passionate about public transportation and envisions himself working in this field. His passion, knowledge, and desire to learn more and make a positive impact in this field is inspiring. One of the super powers kids on the spectrum have is being clear on their likes and dislikes.

He has submitted an application to attend a specialized camp in this field, it’s competitive and unclear to us how many other potential campers he might be competing with. The application required him to share why he wanted to go to the camp and what he hoped to gain. He also had to get references. The application felt more like he was applying to college than a camp quite honestly. It was a good exercise though. It forced my son to get clearer on how to articulate why he wants this (attending this camp), and what he hopes to gain from the experience. It’s been so long since I was his age, I forgot how little you know at that age (on wording and phrasing), and needing help to take what’s in your mind down on paper so that the reader can understand.

My son also struggled with the references from two perspectives—identifying who would be good references and how to get the person to actually agree to be a reference. He struggled with what I think most of us do — understanding people see our positive traits and are more than willing to share their thoughts with others, vs. it brings a burden or causes an inconvenience. We worked on him identifying the references (two teachers and a community member), and helped him craft emails to reach out and make the ask. He was nervous asking, but thrilled when everyone he reached out to came back quickly agreeing to be a reference and one going as far as providing a written recommendation. It was wonderful to see his joy.

We don’t know if he’ll get into the camp, but are optimistic. Regardless of what happens he’s gained some skills (articulating his desires, asking for support), and knowledge (he can do it, and people are willing to help support). If he stays laser focused on continuing to grow in these areas, I believe he’ll be just fine. 🥰

How are you helping them to grow through their interest(s)?