Author Archives: NoRegretsParenting

Weathering the Storm

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Watching the destructive weather that has hit the southeast these past few weeks has been hard to take it. On one hand, you’re grateful you’re not in the path of the destruction, but scared, sad, and empathetic to those experiencing it, particularly when many of the people are family and friends (or remind you of your family and friends).

There wasn’t much we could do as Milton barreled towards Tampa. We had family recouping from major surgery (that couldn’t evacuate) in the area, and many loved ones scattered north, south, and east. No one seemed to be truly safe. Throw in the tornadoes that occurred relatively ‘far’ away from the center of the storm, high winds, and storm surge, and taking it all in from afar felt almost unbearable.

There were calls, and texts, before and after the storm. Grateful when you learned someone was safe, nerves when you haven’t. After I had reached out to immediate family, my youngest asked who else I’d checked on. “Mom, we have to make sure everyone is okay.” I appreciated his genuine concern, and him reminding me to continue reaching out, even though electricity, connectivity, and accessibility (coming to and from where you have access to these things), are not available for many and likely won’t be for some time. Waiting to hear is hard.

I think about those that have lost their home, or possessions, or a loved one. I think about schools being closed, how these traumatic events affect adults and children — it changes you. Seeing everyone pitching in regardless their socioeconomic status, or political leaning, or religious affiliation, come together to help on another, makes me hopeful for how we weather these storms. Community — us coming together—is your family during these times.

What storms (literal or figurative) have you and your family weathered?

Losing Control

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What do you want to have control over?

I might answer, “Everything?” The question mark is on purpose…having control of everything, in theory, sounds ideal, but could also quickly become overwhelming and problematic.

My youngest’s play will be performed on stage in the upcoming weeks. While he is beyond excited his work was picked, anxiety has crept in. Other students are producing the play and he hasn’t been asked for any input. While he was able to produce a snippet in the Spring playwright show, it was limited in showing his full intention for how the play should be preformed. The students producing the play have creative liberty to interpret and make the show as they see fit, with the characters and lines remaining as my son wrote them.

My youngest has extended his desire to help the producers as they work on his show, but they haven’t taken him up on it. Two things are causing his angst — being on the spectrum he wants things a certain way (don’t we all?) and fears too much of the play details are in his head (vs on paper), and he has essentially lost creative control of his baby. You pour your heart and soul into something — a book, music, or a play! — and someone might see it through a different lens than you, and not perform it the way you intended (content serious, not funny, music fast, not slow, etc.). There really isn’t anything he can do about this.

My son asked my husband and I for advice. “No one has reached out to me for my input on the show. Should I ask them again? Or maybe I should just drop by when they’re practicing?” We responded with a resounding, “No!” We talked to him about his concerns and how he doesn’t have control and how uncomfortable it can be, but he needs to trust his peers will do their best. He heard us, but having a hard time letting go of the idea he’ll have more influence or say in what gets performed. We also discussed what he might take away from this — can he be more detailed in his notes and stage direction, or anything else to lessen his concern in the future?

Losing control is almost always unsettling. It can leave you feeling untethered which can be scary, frustrating, and more. How do you or your child handle times when you don’t have control?

Time to Fly

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What time(s) have been hard for you to let your kid go? For me, those times included:

• First day of daycare — leaving him in someone else’s care

• First time with a babysitter

• First day of school (kindergarten, elementary school, middle and high school)

• First time spending the night away from home

• First time traveling by himself

• First time driving by himself

And now, the biggest shift, is my son living away from home for the first time. My oldest isn’t far, but we’ve encouraged him to treat this opportunity to live on his own as a growing experience — him understanding what he’s capable of, him learning more about himself and how he wants to show up in the world, and gaining confidence around his growing independence — and that means, living away from us, problem solving on his own, and working through any discomfort he is experiencing (new place and people).

The moments leading up to him being officially moved out were peppered with excitement for him and worry, and second guessing for me (he’s going to be okay? We’ve prepared him for this, right?). How has 18 years gone so quickly? The years race through my mind every time I think about it.

We were fortunate to be given a booklet to help my husband, I and our son adjust to the change, as we move from “parenting” to coach, and supporter. The booklet had us discuss values (my son and my husband and mine), with the goal of giving all of us clarity on what our son’s values are and how, by knowing this, we can better support him. It also had us talk through expectations and ensure we’d discussed everything from what we expected (or didn’t) of him from his behavior, accomplishments, drugs, alcohol, and sex. I so wish my parents had had this information at their fingertips when I first was on my own.

My hope is that we’ve provided (or are providing) our boys roots with wings. During a final hug at the train station, I told my son, “you’ve got this.” It was important for him to know we believe in him. He knows he can do it too, but like anytime you make a sizable change you can feel a little unsteady. Allowing yourself to adjust to the change is often the toughest (and should I say ‘scariest’) part.

I have to adjust now too, to allowing my oldest to fly, make his own choices and mistakes, and not jump in to problem solve for or ‘save’ him. This moment is bittersweet. If I did my job as a parent he’ll figure out how to soar. I have to mourn the end of this part of our parenting journey, and adjust to what comes next.

What parenting phase are you in? How do you adjust to new phases as they arise?

Having Your Passion Acknowledged

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My youngest has always had a creative side to him. When he was younger, he’d sit in his room and write, and write, and write. When he shared what he was working on, he’d essentially written several TV episodes, a season or twos worth. It was a story line he had in his head that he just had to get out on paper.

While very impressive, when I tried reading the dialogue and tried to understand what was going on, it was hard to follow. I told this to me son (gently), and he understood saying what connected things (stage direction, narration, cues) was in this head.

He has been in theatre for the past several years. His school has a well respected program that teaches students not only to act, but do set production, tech crew, be a playwright, producer, and more. They really help prepare all students interested in pursuing this field.

He took a play writing course in the Spring. He and his peers submitted their plays, which included stage direction, narration, and acting cues that he’d previously left out (or been unaware of how to integrate into his TV episodes years earlier). All submissions (approx. 16) were handed in and then a brief segment acted out from each during a playwright’s workshop. They announced at the workshop they’d select around half the shows to be performed (in full) in the Fall showcase. My son was excited to submit his play, see part of it acted out then, with hopes of having his script being selected and the entire play come to life in the Fall show.

The beginning of school brought new hope and anxiety for my youngest — a new grade with harder classes, and waiting to see if his script was picked for the Fall show. Thankfully within the first two weeks of school they made the announcement. I was anxiously awaiting his arrival home the day he would find out. “Well, did your show get picked?,” I asked. He acted disappointed, and while I’d prepared for this scenario, there was something about his body language that clued me into him trying to trick me into thinking it hadn’t, when it had. “Your play got picked didn’t it?” I said. After a pause and one last attempt to make a sad face, his mouth broke into a wide smile. “Yes! They announced my play last! I was sure I wasn’t going to get picked.” He beamed. You could see how much this meant to him. It validated his passion, and his work (and the love he’d put into it). This acknowledgment made my son practically burst with pride and his capabilities. I couldn’t have been prouder, or happier for him.

He has been walking on air a bit since the announcement. It’s been a confidence boost to him. He now is starting to think like a director, producer, and playwright — wanting to work with the director (a fellow student (as no playwright directs their own show) — to ensure his vision for the show is realized. I’m excited for him.

It’s not often in life we get positive reinforcement doing the things we love. The acknowledgment is helping my son come into his own — realizing he does have talents (beyond what mom, dad, and close family and friends tell him). It’s a gift when this happens. Rare and wonderful.

What is your child’s passion? How has it been acknowledged?

Back to School – Highs and Lows

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What do you like best about your child going back to school?

Over the years, the highs and lows have changed. When they were young, highs included them being under someone else’s care, learning, and growing; lows – potentially missing new things they did, not being with them all the time.

In elementary, highs were having them learn, build social skills, and get out energy. 😊 Lows – all the paperwork required to be filled out by the school and before and after care, countless demands on time (carpooling, errands, work!), and exhaustion.

Middle school, highs were watching our boys mature, and pushed to grow intellectually, physically, and mentally. Lows – paperwork!, demands on time, and seeing my boys start to separate (stepping into independence).

High school, highs include seeing my boys grow into their adult bodies, become young adults, and more independent. Lows – paperwork!, more separation, puberty at full strength (p-u!), and awareness of them one day leaving the nest.

Our oldest is off to college. Highs – seeing his excitement in the prospect of being a full-fledged adult. Lows – not being able to see him, know what he’s up to, or what’s on his mind. I know I can communicate with him whenever I want, but believe this is the moment I need to push my bird from the nest…let him make the necessary adjustments (without my help), so he can fly. I know he can do it, and as hard as it will be for me, I can too.

What are your highs and lows as your child grows?

Going to the Zoo, Zoo, Zoo…

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…how about you, you, you? Do you know this song by Raffi? We sang it many times with our boys when they were little.

When our boys were young, our local zoo was a godsend. Going to the zoo got us out of the house, and was a good way to spend a few hours outside, getting out energy while seeing interesting animals and surroundings.

Over Labor Day weekend, we decided we wanted to get outside and decided to go to a different zoo that is in a nearby city, but because of normal traffic challenging to get to (who wants to spend an hour + each way dealing with heavy traffic?). Thankfully traffic was a breeze on this particular day, and the zoo was amazing—I thought more than once how much we would have visited this place if it were easier to get to.

My favorite part was seeing my sons tapping into their younger selves. My oldest made a beeline to check out the wolves, the tiger, and ultimately the polar bear (I had to ask myself — when was the last time I’d seen a live polar bear? It clearly was a long time, because I questioned if I’d ever seen one before). My youngest was a little less enthusiastic at the get-to, but warmed up as we traversed the park. The grounds were beautiful, views of surrounding area amazing, the animals plentiful, and sun was shining.

My husband and I tapped into our younger selves too. We reminisced with the kids when we saw a meerkat (that the kids remembered seeing at our local zoo when they were much younger), talked about how much we sang, “we’re going to the zoo, zoo, zoo…”, and seeing the Kids Zone and how my kids had outgrown this area what seemed like forever ago.

We left the zoo and had dinner at a nearby restaurant and continued reminiscing. It was one of those days you hold onto (in the memory bank of great days).

What special place(s) or day(s) have you had with your kiddo?

A Game of Catch

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What is a favorite memory of something you and your child have done together?

Memories that come to mind for me include my boys jumping into my arms in the pool when they were small, going to the zoo together, and teaching them to ride their bikes. As they grew older, the opportunities lessened for us to do things together — they preferred to be with friends, or off on their own. I was grateful for the memories, but yearned for more.

Imagine my surprise when we went away for a long weekend as a family to a place we often visit — with hiking, and the opportunity to get into the water, or just take in the scenery nature provides — when late one afternoon my oldest pulled out a corn hole board and bean bags that was amongst many various games available to anyone there and asked me to play with him. This was a rare ask. I jumped at the chance. We tossed the bags, laughed at how mediocre we were and decided whomever got the next bag in the hole would win. Somehow I was the victor and we laughed as we went back to our room.

The night before we headed home, it was near dusk, and my oldest walked back over to the game bin. He found a baseball glove and a soft-core baseball. “Want to have a catch?,” I asked, fully expecting him to turn me down. Instead he eagerly agreed. He’s been really into baseball lately, particularly watching minor league teams, and I think he has a yearning to play the game (baseball is one of the few sports he didn’t play growing up).

We threw the ball back and forth. After a couple of times he asked me to change things up — throw him a grounder or pop fly — so I changed it up. It reminded me of when I used to practice with my dad when I played softball as a kid. He smiled every time he caught the ball, and even smiled when he missed at first but stopped the ball on the second try. We threw for quite a while. We practiced him dropping back to catch longer and higher balls, and got him running forward to catch shorter balls. I would have stayed out there with him however long he would allow. I was very present in the moment. He decided we’d end throwing the ball once he made one more ‘cool’ catch. He ended up jumping high after dropping back and caught the ball. He was satisfied.

As he returned the glove and ball to the bin he’d gotten it from I said, “Mom’s going to remember this for a long time.” I wanted him to know it was a special time for me. “I’ll probably going to remember it too,” he replied, which was a bit shocking because he rarely admits he enjoys anything, 😊, but he said it in a way I knew was truthful. These moments are so fleeting. I’m grateful my son wanted to have one more catch with his mom. I can only hope there are a few more of these special moments in our future still. 🥰

What’s a treasured memory with your child?

I will be away enjoying some of the last of summer and will return in September.

From Uncomfortable to Comfortable

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What are you uncomfortable talking about with your kid?

Sex was the one I knew I’d struggle the most with, and while we’ve had several conversations with our boys, and I’ve tried to get more comfortable, I haven’t reached a point where I’m at ease with the topic. I am committed to continue working on it. ☺️

As my boys enter adulthood, finding out who they are and trying new things, I know they will experience vulnerability and may make choices they don’t feel good about (even regret), but that’s part of growing up — making mistakes and learning from them.

I happed to be watching a show on escaping a cult, and it reminded me how no one sets out to join a cult, or abuse prescription drugs, or become an alcoholic. It’s something that can happen gradually and can happen to anyone regardless of your background or circumstances. We discussed the show and my thoughts over dinner. I was more comfortable having this conversation, because I had been recruited to join a multi-level marketing scheme when I was a little older than my oldest is now; and have experienced friends and family members who’ve suffered with addiction, including dying from it.

The reason I have experience with cults (or cult-like) was when I was a young adult I was at my parents house my dad found out I was going to a meeting. He inquired what the meeting was about, I told him and he said, “No, you’re not going.” It surprised me because he’d never done that before and took me aback because I could see how serious he was. I heard my dad out, and he shared how the same thing had happened to him when he was my age and it was some good luck that helped him out of the situation. He shared what I was in for if I went. I agreed not to go and am grateful. I’ve heard horror stories from others who got sucked in to this organization. In my situation what was disappointing was the “recruiters” had been a good friend from high school and his parents, who were well-respected in the small town I lived in.

My kids have heard these stories before so I didn’t rehash them. Instead I tested them on what they remembered about our previous talks. “What’s a sign of a cult?” My oldest looked at me quizzically. I prompted him. “They ask you for…” He responded, “money.” I acknowledged he’d got it right. My husband chimed in, “if they try to separate you from your loved ones, that’s a sign too.” We discussed various ways you can get recruited including the lure of self-help or finding love, maybe even offering free courses for a period of time. The big thing I wanted the boys to be aware of was that this could happen, and there is probably recruiting methods that we’re not even aware of, but if they got themselves in a situation where it didn’t feel right — being in a group that might be a cult, noticing the desire to drink or do drugs or other things that might not be best for them — not to get caught in the trap of feeling embarrassed or ashamed, but talking to us about it, or a trusted friend or other adult.

My kids will absolutely make mistakes (I still do at my age, grrrr), but I’m determined to let them know we are here for them, and are a safe space, mistakes and all. It isn’t comfortable having discussions on certain topics, but avoiding them isn’t an option.

What uncomfortable conversations do you struggle with? Which are you getting more comfortable with?

Roller Coaster

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Do you like thrill rides?

We went on vacation and were fortunate to have our nephew join us. Our nephew and my boys cousin live far from each other, so getting to spend this extended time with him was special.

We decided to check out an amusement park one day while we were together. It was large park, but not too large. The first ride my son and I did was a ride where you sit in a swing, get lifted a couple hundred feet in the air and spin. It felt like flying. My nephew wasn’t a fan of heights and decided to pass. Since our youngest and his cousin are close in age, we allowed them to go off on their own to explore the park and agreed to meet up later.

My husband and I decided to ride a roller coaster. It had been forever since I’d last been on one, so it was fun to find out I could still do it. 😊 After walking around a bit, we realized a lot of rides were closed and we weren’t finding a whole lot of things we wanted to do at the park. We met up with the kids to find out how they were doing.

It turns out the kids were as bored as we were and hadn’t found much to do (frustrating after paying so much money and hoping to have a fun day). We agreed we’d do the log flume ride. Of course, it was closed. 🙁 Then my nephew suggested we all ride the wooden roller coaster. I was surprised he recommended it since it went high and I knew he wasn’t a fan of heights. My youngest, who has only recently done a roller coaster was game, so we were off.

We walked towards the roller coaster and went into the entrance. We were talking excitedly about the ride when my husband asked where our nephew was. I thought he was still with us. We turned around and walked out finding him on a bench just outside the ride. “Nope, I’m not doing it,” he said. Getting up close to the ride made him rethink wanting to do it. We discussed the ride. I looked at my son and asked what the good part was about coming to an amusement park. He looked at me quizzically and after some prompting said, “oh right, it gives us a chance to be brave.” We talked about the ride and how it works, with gravity mainly thrusting the ride forward in hopes it would calm our nephew’s anxiety. He seemed good, so I said, “okay, so are we going to do this?” Thinking it was a done deal and we were going to go. My nephew responded, “are you crazy? I’m not doing that!” I found it both shocking (because I really thought we’d convinced him he could do the ride), and humorous ( how wrong I had been!). I loved how he advocated for himself though and was firm on what he was comfortable with.

Life can throw scary things in your path. Sometimes you get to be brave, and sometimes you opt-out. It can be thrilling but also terrifying, and but there is nothing more important than knowing what your limits are.

How does your child advocate for themselves? How have you helped them overcome a fear?

Off They Go

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When my boys were young we came across the book Off We Go to Mexico by Laurie Krebs, a fun book taking the reader through some of the wonders of Mexico. It starts with, “Off we go, off we go, off we go to Mexico.” The kids loved the repetitiveness of ‘off we go,’ and we applied it freely for any adventure we were going to have — ‘off we go, off we go, off we go to…the park, on a walk, or the zoo’ — you get the drift. Everyone loved the silliness of it, and it did make our journey feel more like a try adventure when the sing-song intro of ‘off we go’ got us started.

We took a trip in eastern Canada via rail. Our youngest planned logistics for our trip, with cities we’d visit, days we’d stay, and ideas for things to do including visiting family, seeing some sites, and building in ‘free time’ for everyone to be able to do what they wanted including relaxing or doing something on your own.

Our youngest really wanted to explore the metro system of one of the cities we visited by himself. He’d previously had done this without issue so we allowed him to go off and do it again with parameters — keeping us posted, updating us on his whereabouts, and when he’d be back. He went off on his adventure but shared he was coming back to the hotel earlier than we expected. “Everything okay?,” I asked. “Yes,” he replied. “Did something happen?” I asked. “No,” he shared, “I just got anxious and scared and bored.” His awareness of his own feelings always blows me away. “Okay,” I said, “you sure you’re okay? You can come meet us?” He declined and said he’d see us back at the hotel.

We talked at dinner about his day. He shared where he’d gone, and the routes he hadn’t. “Are you disappointed you didn’t go everywhere you wanted?” and he said, “I can do it when I come back.” We have no plans as a family to go there again, but my son does. I loved he can visualize himself getting back there.

I’m so proud of my son and his desire to break out on his own, and find his own adventures. I’m so grateful I’ve been able to not let my fears of letting him g(r)ow hold him back (not always easy). The words keep running through my mind every time he decides a new adventure (local or away) he plans to take. Off he goes, off he goes, off he goes to…

What adventures are you and your kid(s) having? Any books that your kid(s) haven’t grown out of?