What’s a family trip that’s stayed with you? Our family visited New Orleans, Memphis, and Chicago last year. Taking a train to get us to our destinations (of course, my youngest wouldn’t have it any other way). Memphis stood out … Continue reading
Have you had a grown up conversation with your child? It’s never easy, at least for me.
My youngest came home after seeing three short productions put on by his classmates one evening, and one particular play stuck with him. “Mom, it was about domestic abuse,” he said. “Did they show the woman getting hit?,” I asked. He shared that there was no violence throughout the play, but it was a telling of a story — that ran in The New Yorker called The Wind by Lauren Goff — of a mother and her children who attempt to flee her abusive husband, who had standing in society. Not everyone gets a happy ending.
My son had empathy for everyone in the story. He couldn’t shake the story (and the truths that the story mirrored reality for real people – male and female in these situations) he had heard. I knew I had to discuss it with him.
“Abuse is scary, and it can happen to anyone,” I started. “No one knowingly sets out to be in an abusive relationship.” I reminded him of the organization that had come to talk to him and his classmates in middle school, The One Love Foundation, and how it’s important to keep in mind what makes a healthy, and loving relationship. He agreed but was still shaken by what humans are capable of doing to one another. I’m shaken too.
My son shared he was grateful he grew up in a loving household and I echo’ed that his father and I were grateful we too had been raised in safe spaces. It hurts my soul to know not everyone gets that.
My son is an empathy with off-the-charts emotional intelligence (per my ranking scale 😉), and cares deeply about others and their wellbeing. I think the world would be a little better if we were more like my son in this way.
How do you talk to your kids about serious/grown up topics? How are you creating a safe space for them?
Have you experienced a scare with your child?
I was out of town when I got a text message from my oldest, “we were in an accident.” It took me a second to register what I was reading. I knew my oldest was out of town with friends hiking and they were likely on their way back home. Was he telling me after the fact (the accident happened while they were away) or had it just happened? I texted back asking if they were okay and what happened. No response. I tried calling, no answer. I decided to try FaceTime— knowing it has a different ring and might get my son’s attention.
My question regarding timing of the accident was answered when my son answered. He had a lot of blood running down the left side of his face. He must have seen my expression of surprise and fear, because he quickly said, “don’t worry, mom, I can see fine out of my left eye.” The airbags had deployed after they hit some ice and their car spun into a snowbank and stopped after hitting the rear of a semi. 😳 My son wasn’t driving, his friend who was was hurt badly. My son kept stopping our conversation to yell to his friend not to move. It was terrifying to see my son go through this, know one of his friends was badly hurt and to be so far away. I sent him photos of insurance card and he confirmed help was on the way. I got off the phone with him and immediately reached out to my husband, who was closer to where my son was and could get to him.
The next few hours were hard. It was a waiting game to make sure everyone was okay. My son and another friend, who was riding in the backseat, were treated at the scene and dropped off at the closest exit. Their friend, who was driving, was sent to a hospital about 90 miles away. The unknown (his friend’s condition, how were his parents going to be notified, (as we don’t know them), and was everyone going to be okay) was toughest.
My husband got to the boys and was able to get them home, while their friend required to be hospitalized for a few days. My son hasn’t really wanted to talk about the accident since it happened, which is understandable, but my husband and I have told him repeatedly how glad we are that he is okay.
We can’t keep our kids fully safe, regardless of the precautions we take, or lessons we instill. They hit a patch of ice, which can happen to anyone. I was reminded of the fragility of life and grateful my son and his friends have more days ahead of them. I’m aware, that’s not always the case.
My son has a better appreciation for driving in snow and ice and the caution that’s needed. I’m guessing he’ll avoid driving in wintry conditions for the foreseeable future, which, honestly brings me some relief, though accidents can happen rain, snow/ice, or shine.
I’m reminded of how fortunate I am for every day I get with my kids, and how lucky and blessed I am to have them as we come into the New Year.
What are you thankful for as we move into another year?
What are your Thanksgiving traditions?
We often host dinner and have family and friends join us. My husband makes cranberry sauce. It was one of the things he does that I love. I’m not sure I’d ever had true cranberry sauce before I met him. I only had the sauce from the can. 😂 The kind he makes is quite good and very popular with our guests.
I like having the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. No one else seems to care about it. The kids prefer to sleep in. I start cooking the day before and enjoy getting the house ready (great reason to clean), and enjoy the smells of everything cooking, and keep it going through Thanksgiving day. The kids will help their father with any yard work that needs to be done, and if I’m lucky, one of them may help me in the kitchen.
We do have an adult table and a kids table. We didn’t plan it that way, but my boys and their cousins prefer to eat together and then hangout vs stay and talk with the adults. Now that my boys are older, my oldest has expressed an interest in joining the adult table, which I welcome, we just have to figure out where we can squeeze in more chairs. 😊
We are very blessed, and very thankful — for the roof over our heads, clothes on our back, and for our friends and family.
What are your family traditions? What are you thankful for?
I’ll be taking next week off to enjoy the holiday weekend and be back in December.
When was the last time you got frustrated as a parent?
My youngest is working on an essay that will have implications for what he does after high school. He has struggled with this exercise — how to get his ideas across in a way the reader will understand. His father and I, of course, have been his sounding board, coaches, and editors. We’ve told him that he wants to put his best effort into this and not have regrets on what he submits, so have been pushing him to rewrite, and continue to improve what he’s been working on.
As a kid on the spectrum, he sometimes struggles with instruction (or coaching). He’ll say “my brain works differently,” and he’s right. Sometimes he takes things literally and other times he can make things over complicated (I have this tendency myself). My husband and I have to try different approaches based on the situation.
He has made good progress on his essay, but his father and I think it can be better. My husband was asking my son to consider other ways to strengthen his message. My son was stating how he’d already done what was asked. Frustrations from both boiled over. My son retreated to his room. He came out after some time and asked for a hug. He tried whispering to me that dad was upset with him, and instead of allowing the conversation to be just he and I, I spoke so that my husband could also hear. I asked my son, “what is mom and dad’s job?” He responded as he and his brother have been taught from a young age, “to teach me things and keep me safe.” I reminded him that what we are trying to do is teach him and get the best out of him. The frustration comes from our approaches to helping/teaching him not working or getting through to him. “We feel like we’re failing you in these moments as your parents, and it’s frustrating because we’re not sure why what we’re trying to convey isn’t working. Our frustration doesn’t have to do with you, but our ability to teach you and help you.” My son smiled. My husband was listening too. We needed to have the discussion so that we were all on the same page and our goal was for my son to do his best.
Parenting has its moments, and getting frustrated is part of the growth we go through — why won’t my child stop biting, or hitting, or throwing a tantrum when they’re young; why aren’t they better behaved, have better manners, clean their room as they get older; and why won’t they listen or take my advice as the move into young adulthood. It can be painful, angering and much more. It’s realizing what’s behind it — why are we frustrated? Is it because our child is/isn’t doing something? Yes, but also because our responsibility is to teach our children to do (or not do) certain things, and when that doesn’t occur, we can internalize it as a slight on our capabilities (or lack thereof) as a parent. I’m a big believer in letting our kids in on this insight, so they don’t misunderstand and fill in the blanks (I’m bad, or not good because my parents get frustrated or upset with me).
When was the last time you got frustrated with your child? How did you work through it with them? What did you learn about yourself and your parenting approach after?
Do you work well with others?
My youngest and his co-director continue to have communication challenges. It came to a head when they disagreed on something and his peer got upset with him. As he was recounting what happened to his father and I it became clear he knew why they had been having so much trouble getting on the same page. The co-director misheard something he’d said early in the process and she thought he was deferring all decisions to her and all the responsibilities that go with them. I would have been unhappy too. She shared with my son that he would send out a list of things that still needed to be done, late at night, before he went to bed, thinking she and the cast would see the messages in the morning, but her ADHD caused her to need to respond to the message(s) and take action immediately even if that didn’t need to happen. “I feel like I’m a bad person,” my son shared. “I had no idea she was going through this. I just thought she was up late like I was and wanted to respond.”
There’s no way he could have known. Communication is complex and being open and honest isn’t always easy. We referred back to our previous discussion on this topic. “Have you had a heart to heart with her like we talked about?” we asked. His response indicated he’d hoped the problem would resolve itself. I understood. I, too, struggled with these types of conversations when I was younger. We reminded him that while they’re hard to have, once done, it makes moving forward much easier.
I’m not convinced he and his peer are on the same page still, but the show is coming up in two weeks and he knows he has to power through. At least he has a better appreciation for what his co-director is going through and can bring more empathy (which he’s good at) to how he collaborates and communicates with her.
How do you help your child navigate challenging conversations?
My boys are getting older and growing into themselves and their independence. While I miss somethings about them being younger, we all agree this time of year reminds us of some of our favorite things — going to the pumpkin patch, hot apple cider, decorations, costumes, future holidays, and more.
Many of these customs haven’t changed much over the years with some slight exceptions — the kids don’t wear costumes anymore (or will, but it takes a lot of prompting), and trick-o-treating behind us. Pumpkin patch, cider and decorations remain the same.
I’ve got a bit lazy of the years in terms of fall decorations, only putting out what’s relatively quick and easy to put up and take down. I also believe the boys don’t care as much about decorations anymore, but have found they have their favorites. My youngest asked if we’d put up our skeleton streamers for Halloween. They are made of tissue paper and are beyond crinkled from years of use. They make me laugh every time I put them up 😂 — do these even look like skeletons anymore? My youngest loves them and asked if we’d put them up one last year (before he graduates and if out of the house). We agreed.
As we transition from Halloween to Thanksgiving and Christmas we’ll repeat our traditions with modifications, of course. After all, even our favorites wear out or we outgrow them.
What is your family’s fall favorites?
What experiences have excited and scared you throughout your life? Going to school? Graduating? Starting a new job? Marriage? Having a child?
My oldest works while going to school. The job is on the same campus and pays well (for a student position), but it’s not necessarily a job that he’s interested in holding long-term. He’s been more interested in getting an internship in the career field he’s interested in, but it’s been a harder go than he imagined. He’s attended countless career fairs over the past year, and meets with a mentor. In my opinion, taking all the right steps, yet he was unable to secure an internship this last summer.
He could have resided himself that this field wasn’t for him, or that he was somehow not employee material, but he buckled down, took the feedback he got along the way and persisted, recently attending another career fair and getting an internship offer extended on the spot. He was thrilled. He still has a few more career fairs to go before deciding on what he’ll do next summer, but his confidence has grown.
I wished I’d coined this phrase, but borrowing it from something Snoop Dogg (yes, Snoop Dogg) said on a blind audience episode of The Voice when a singer didn’t get a chair turn. In those situations you can feel like a failure, like something is wrong with you or you aren’t good enough, but Snoop summed it up best. “L isn’t for loser. It’s for lesson.” How right he is, we learn these lessons along the way, and need to silence our inner critic’s voice that tells us otherwise.
As I shared my joy with my son about his internship offer I also mentioned he might feel excited and a little bit scared. I know I’ve experienced those feelings in times of personal growth. We agreed that’s what growing up is all about.
What makes you excited and a little bit scared?
I will be away next week to spend time with family and back later in the month.
As my youngest nears the time of moving out after high school, I’m keenly aware of things I still want to teach him before he leaves us. While there is likely sage wisdom I’d like to impart, he’s at the age where he is sometimes open to it, and sometimes isn’t, which I can relate to, as I remember being his age and thinking I had most things figured out (ha!).
I’ve decided to assist him in becoming better prepared for success in his increasing independence, as he is open to my guidance in this area.
He had a prescription that needed to be refilled. He came out and asked me to call in the refill. You can guess what happened next. 😉 I suggested he call in the Rx. He wanted to do it with me present. We listened to the prompts, he entered the prescription number and got it submitted.
Imagine my surprise when a month or so later, I see him walk into the kitchen with his prescription and dials the pharmacy. He never says a word to me, he just does it. I suppress my enthusiasm at him being proactive and completing the task on his own. The next day I mention to him I need to run out to pick up something from the store and he asks if I would pick up his medication. He smiles — proud of himself and likely knows how happy it makes me that he filled the prescription on his own and I smile too. 😊 Small victories. One more step towards independence.
The best part was picking up the medication. I know our pharmacist well, and know she’s a fellow mom. “I’m so proud. My son submitted his refill all on his own. I know he’s old enough to do it, but I’m beyond thrilled,” I shared. She reiterated stories of older kids, including college graduates that come in and don’t know how to do this. She told me to tell my son she was proud of himself too.
I didn’t impart great wisdom to my child, but some information that will give him confidence as he gets ready to move into the world.
What small victories bring a small to your face?
How do you relieve stress?
The stress that goes along with parenting has definitely tapered off as my kids have grown — not because there isn’t stress, but because there is less to stress about specifically regarding them — do I worry? Yes. Do I wonder if I taught them everything I should have? Yes. But it’s not something I stress about. The are old enough to take care of themselves (which was a bigger stressor for me when they were younger), and any stress I feel now tends to be tied to not being in a position to help them, or concerns with their mental state when I know they’ve been hurt (relationship issues for example). Letting them know I’m there for them and hearing from them quells my stress.
The state of the world, and the state of America, causes me way more stress than my kids do. That’s saying something. It can feel overwhelming at times. My youngest has shared his stress, fear, and depression over what he hears and see in the news, and yes, I encourage him to disconnect, but world history and politics are passions for him. While he logically understands the benefit of tuning out, his interest to know what’s going on usually wins out. And so, there is stress. Again, I make myself available to him to talk. I try to remind him that things will be okay (even if I’m not sure they will). As long as he’s willing to talk about his concerns, it lets me know he’s okay. We have offered sessions with a therapist if it would help (and he’s done therapy before — we all have in my family), but for now says he’s okay.
Stress is hard. Adding parenting to the mix can take stress to another level. We have to be kind to ourselves and find ways to relieve stress in an extraordinarily stressful time.
How do you relieve stress? How do you help your child relieve their’s?
Have the Parenting Journey you were meant to 