Category Archives: Teen

Pumpkin Patch

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Cool crisp air, leaves changing colors, apple cider. It’s definitely a favorite time of year for our family.

We went to a pumpkin patch that’s become a tradition for us. We arrive, take in surrounding area that has different decorative pumpkin, squash, and gourd displays; check out what the local vendors are offering, get a wheelbarrow and head out towards the fields to get our pumpkins. Once we have our pumpkins we typically head out to get a meal nearby before heading home. I take LOTS of pictures each time we go — trying to remember it all. 😊 My oldest reminded us that since this would be his last year doing this with us (gulp), he’d get to pick where we ate lunch following. 😂

The pumpkin patch looked different than previous years — fields had been rotated, the corn maze was gone (as the corn, in the new field, was only three feet tall), but it didn’t matter because we were there together. Making our way through the fields to find our pumpkins, enjoying cider, and just being with each other.

It wasn’t anything special per se, but was special because of the tradition and memories and the wonderful feelings that come with it.

I do love this time of year.

What Fall traditions does your family have?

It’s Going to Be Okay

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‘It’s going to be okay’ is a phrase that has gotten me through many a difficult situation. Hearing from my parent, when I was young, or my husband now, has always given me comfort.

My oldest had a test that was stressing him out. He was struggling with some of the concepts being taught and was concerned he wouldn’t do well on the test. We talked about what he could do to prepare in advance. That helped ease his anxiety slightly but it was still there. He took the test, and the teacher had the students take pictures of their work which they emailed in. It was an additional step to handing in the test to a proctor. My son came home. He was relieved that the test had gone much better than expected, but stressed because he realized in his desire to leave the testing area as soon as possible after turning in the test, he realized he hadn’t gotten clear pictures of all of his work. “Mom, the pages that didn’t come through equal 20% of my grade.” He sat down, put his head in his hands and said, “how will I ever be able to live on my own?” That statement caught my attention. I can understand being stressed about a mistake you’ve made that might result in something negative happening to you (such as getting a poor grade), but thought him extrapolating this to not being able to go out on his own an extreme thought.

We talked about the situation at hand first. I asked him what he could do to rectify the situation. He shared he’d already emailed the teacher and we discussed him going back to the test site to see if the proctor would allow him to retake the pictures of his work (he went back, but the proctor wouldn’t allow him access to his test). I then shared my own experience and how sometimes in life I catch myself wanting to leave a situation (for discomfort, I want to get to the next thing, or a variety of other reasons) and I can make mistakes in those situations. I asked my son, “how am I able to keep going if I know I might do this? I’ve lived on my own for a while and I’ve never been concerned in my ability to successfully do that. Why is that?” I smiled and he did too. It didn’t take him long to come back with the correct answer, “you learned from your mistake.” I told him that he was right and shared that even though I still “do things fast” on occasion, I do them less frequently than when I was younger and I try to catch myself in the moment and tell myself to “slowdown”. I finished by telling him that no matter the outcome of the test everything was going to be okay. I told him, “it might not feel like it now, but I promise you everything will be okay.” A poor grade can be overcome with improved work and extra credit (assuming the teacher allows). Absolute worst case is he fails the class and has to take it over. While the scenarios might not seem fun, they were all something that could be addressed. Not long after we finished our conversation my son shared that he’d heard from his teacher who told him not to worry about it, he was more concerned with the work being shown on the test, than the actual pictures coming through and being clear. It had indeed ended up being okay.

How do you help your child work through a mistake they’ve made? How do you let them know things will work out or be okay?

Chrysalis

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At what age did you emerge from your childhood cocoon?

My oldest is a senior and thinking about where life will take him next. He’s starting to get a taste of having more freedom and understanding that he ultimately controls where and what he does next. While he’s still living at home, he has a safe, protected, and supportive environment to make mistakes and learn from them.

As I think about his upbringing I can see clear lines between him as a small child and the adult he is becoming. Then there is this gray period inbetween the two where he is leaving one phase of life and preparing for another. In this “cocoon”-phase he could be distant, and hard to understand, but you knew what was inside him needed to be protected and nourished and so you let the cocoon be — not leaving it alone, but understanding (or trying to) how growing up can be hard and scary sometimes. It can also be joyful and comforting, and so much more.

It feels like my oldest is starting to emerge from his cocoon with a more open disposition. He’s more likely to talk, engage, and is in general happier. Is it because he’s understanding he will figure out his next stage of life? He’s appreciating the love and support while making the transition? Or something else?

Only he knows, but it’s amazing to see this new phase and him taking flight.

What phase of life is your child in? How are you helping them transition from one phase to another?

Figuring Out Friendship

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Have you ever parted ways with a friend?

Parting has been easiest, for me, when our locations and situations took us different places and nothing was explicitly said. The door open to reconnect or resume the friendship is there should the opportunity arise. It’s hardest when betrayal or some type of perceived hurt has occurred — coming back from it might not be possible. Then there is everything in between.

My youngest in high school has reconnected with an elementary classmate, and together brought a third, newcomer, into their group. My son enjoyed getting to know his new friend, even walking home from school a few times together, until he didn’t. He started seeing differences between he and this new person which made him take an inventory for what he wants in a friendship. This new friend appreciates women based on looks more than anything else, and likes watching/listening to crude humor on his phone. I can’t say this is untypical of any teen, but what struck me was how off putting it was to my son. My son shared his friend had been vulnerable with him, and he was in turn, but then the friend started teasing him about what he opened up about, making him regret sharing at all. The final ‘blow’ was when the friend kept trying to get my son to engage with him during lunch period, and my son wanted no part. My son shared, “I don’t think I want you to be friends with him anymore.”

I’ve often felt my son wanted more friends, but what held him back was some challenges he faced by being on the spectrum (such as missing social cues), what I found was my son having clarity in what he wants in friendship and not being willing to settle.

We talked about the differences between he and his friend, with the main one being my son had had the good fortune of having teachers, and caregivers that modeled healthy relationships and strong emotional intelligence — give him tons of tools for his toolkit. His friend, hadn’t had these same resources and may not have the knowledge my son has. The comparison I made was my son have a full tool belt, uniform, and protective gear, and his friend being naked. I shared this with my son, so he would have empathy for his friend. He could either help his friend grow with his knowledge or part ways because the effort wasn’t worth it or the friend wouldn’t be open to it. My son took it under advisement and decided he wouldn’t proactively engage this friend, but wouldn’t outright tell him the friendship is over either. So far it’s worked out. Neither boy has really engaged the other and the loss of a friendship doesn’t seem to bother my son (or the other boy, best we can tell), at all.

Ending a friendship is never easy. Making a new friend isn’t easy either. How are you helping your child navigate friendship?

Drop off 500

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Start your engines!

Picking and dropping off kids can feel like a never ending cycle. Leave work (or house), pick up kid, take to next place, return (or wait), then do it all over again. I thought with my oldest getting his license and youngest learning to drive, the endless cycle of coming and going might end, but my oldest uses my car, which I need for work and other commitments, and there are limited places to park at school, so parental driving continues.

Some days it can feel like I’ve just had a moment to ‘rest’ when I’m reminded it’s time to jump back in the car and do it all over again. After a particularly stressful day at work, I got one of these reminders in the form of a phone call from my son. We agreed on where to meet and I begrudgingly started out the door to pick him up. I slowed as I neared my car. My oldest will be on his own before too long, and I’ll likely miss the opportunity to drop him off and pick him up — it’s one of the few moments I have alone with him and (if I’m lucky) find out what’s on his mind, how his day was, or hear how he’s doing.

The route to drop my boys off has been different from preschool to elementary to middle and high school. The drives themselves grew old, but never the time together.

How many laps have you made taking your child to and from places? What will you miss most when you’re no longer doing it?

Growth Spurt

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My youngest is trying out for a part in a school play. He went through tryouts early his freshman year, and his experience was much different. His freshman year, everything was new—people, process, and place (he was still figuring out where things were in the school building). It was overwhelming and made him flustered. He overcame being upset when he struggled with the audition process with the help of patient teachers and time to calm himself down. We talked with him about what he’d learned after he had settled down and the audition was behind him, and what he’d do differently in future new situations.

Fast forward to this school year. Tryouts again, but nothing new, with the exception of a few new faces (younger or new students). He was confident, and excited. A dramatic (pun intended 😁) improvement from his freshman year. We talked about what was different, how he’d grown since his freshman experience, and how he’d survived—maybe a strong word, but it helped him understand he could weather new (tough, uncomfortable, unfamiliar, etc.) situations, He had grown based on his initial experience. It was a steep learning curve for him, but a needed one.

As he shared more details on how the tryouts went with his father and I we talked about this, and how when you’re young and go through steep learning curves it can feel overwhelming and scary, but they often level out, and you work towards the next big learning experience but normally have time to build up that next it (getting a job, going to college or trade school, living on your own, etc.). You could see him realize he had it in his to rise to whatever that next challenge may be, and that he had time to grow to it.

What growth spurt is (or has) your kid going through?

Back to School Blues

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What did your child think about returning to school?

My youngest loved the lazy summer days of sleeping in late, with an open schedule. He’s big into transit and made new friends and spent time exploring via bus, light rail, and street car (it helps that our state makes these services free of charge for students year-round). As the school year approached, the realization he’d soon go from having nothing-to-do to going all-the-time seriously bummed my normally cheery guy out.

He talked with his father and I about how short this summer was, and how he wished the break were longer (my husband and I smiled, remembering our own childhood memories of summer vacation, and sighed knowing you never get that back).

My son adjusted to the new school year quickly. He reconnected with friends, and is excited for several of his classes and new teachers. The blues he was feeling were gone.

We’ve all experienced that dread (and/or nerves) of something new starting (school, job, place) and wishing for nothing to change, knowing we have to move forward into the dread, realizing our dread is (almost always) worse than the reality. And relieved when we adjust to the new situation. Phew!

How has your child adjusted to the new school year? How do you help them work through nerves or dread around a situation?

Feeling Lost

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Have you ever felt lost as a parent?

Feeling lost, when you’re a new parent, is very common. You’re learning as you go. If you’re like me, you settle into the role (at some point) and feel more confident in your capabilities, though you know you never have all the tools, guidance, knowledge, or wisdom you need. You do your best, and when you mess up, you acknowledge your mistake, make amends (if needed), learn, and do something different going forward.

I felt a new kind of lost this past week. Wanting to support my oldest as he advocated for himself around how he wanted to contribute to his football team, and wanting to help him not make a mistake — leave something he loved doing because in-the-moment he wasn’t sure if his passion for it was still there or not. I tried balancing listening, making myself available to talk, giving advice, holding my tongue, and supporting him. I worked to be aware and walk with him (great advice a friend gave me months ago), versus steer him one way or another. It was so very hard.

He talked to his coaches, he decided he no longer wanted to play. As a parent, I was concerned, not that he didn’t want to play, but that he might regret not playing at some point (this season or years down the road). His coaches talked to him some more and asked him to reconsider. We (my son and I) talked more, I gave more advice (reminding myself to walk beside, not steer), I waited — so hard. He notified the coaches his decision was final. That worried me, what if he changed his mind in a few weeks? He had set the proverbial bridge on fire with his coaches, they wouldn’t beg him to play.

My son then went to turn in his gear. He was gone longer than I expected. I waited. When he got home I could see he was happy, a happy I hadn’t seen in a while. Not a relieved happy, but a “I’m at peace” happy. I asked him how it went and he shared he’d talked to the coaches and they asked him if he’d like to help out with the team — do filming, help with equipment, and coaching. He loved that idea and agreed to stay on the team in that capacity. It felt like an answer to prayers (and there were a lot of them from this worrying mom😊). It was unexpected, and yet such a great alternative for my son.

What I took away from all this was my son is becoming his own man, my thoughts/guidance/advice were welcome this time, but only because we walked through this (his father as well) together. If I was lost (as a parent), I grew by letting my son own his decision, and supporting him through the process.

So much of parenting feels new at the beginning, but I’m finding as my son reaches adulthood, the new keeps on coming. I’m curious what other new parenting growth is on the horizon for me, but am in no rush to find out. I’ll just keep on walking for now.

What growth have you experienced as a parent lately?

I’ll be off for Labor Day weekend and back in September.

The Planner

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Who plans family vacations or activities in your family?

In my family, it’s me. A bit of wanting to have some control over accommodations we stay in, or how close the campsite is to the showers, how early or late we’ll arrive, etc. gives me peace of mind. My husband is happy to turn this over to me.

Our oldest is thinking thru his next steps after high school. We’ve asked him to do some college visits, as an option to pursue. We’ve done two visits so far and asked him to do a third. Because of the timing, my husband and son will be doing this next trip. While I’m normally the planner and would figure things out, I turned it over to my husband since I won’t be on the trip.

He started scheduling visits — my son and he decided since they’d be on the road, they may as well see additional schools. He thought he had it wrapped up, and then learned one school visit conflicted with another and had to start scheduling the visits again. This went over for nearly an hour. I knew my husband was getting frustrated, but was working hard to keep his cool while I was there because he knows I deal with similar situations each time we travel. I feel like he had a greater appreciation for what us planners go through to pull off a successful trip after finally figuring out their schedule. 😊

I’ve relinquished my responsibilities for planning this trip, and while it puts me outside my comfort zone, because, oh how I want to jump in and just get everything figured out, I know my husband is capable, and it’s good for my son to see his dad taking the reigns. My son may be the planner in his future family, who knows, but seeing his father do it (successfully) shows him what’s possible.

Who plans trips or activities in your family? How are you teaching (or showing) your child what goes into the planning?

I’ll be away for some summer fun with the family, before school starts, and will be back later in the month.

MVP

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Who hasn’t dreamed of being a MVP?

My oldest took on a community project that ended up being more than he realized. With a lot of input from his father and I, other mentors, and community leaders he figured out what he needed to do and how to get the large task done.

His grandfather learned of his grandson’s project and wanted to be part of his work crew. He considered it a “bucket list” item that he’d treasure — getting to accomplish something with him. The work was grueling — hot sun, and a smallish work crew. Grandpa let my son lead, it was his project, but gave him pointers throughout — if you’re going to do something do it right, you want to look back and be proud of your work; and don’t cut corners — it ends up costing you more wasted time (and possibly money and energy) in the end. My oldest took what his grandfather said to heart, particularly when they were supposed to finish the job in four days, but weren’t going to meet the milestone.

My son said he felt defeated and wallowed in things not going according to plan, from a timeline perspective. When another adult asked, “what are you going to do?,” since time was up but the project not finished. “I’m going to work until it’s finished,” my son replied.

He and his granddad went back on the fifth day, recruited a few new crew members and finished the work. They were worn out. My son come home and joined us outside for dinner. His grandfather came out a few minutes later. My son chanted, “MVP, MVP, MVP,” to his grandad. Clearly my son felt his grandfather played a winning role in helping him get his project done. It might have been a bucket list item for his grandfather, but it will be a wonderful memory my son will carry throughout his life.

How are you (or other family members) helping your child/kid/teen achieve their goals?