Category Archives: Learn

Exciting and a Little Bit Scary

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What experiences have excited and scared you throughout your life? Going to school? Graduating? Starting a new job? Marriage? Having a child?

My oldest works while going to school. The job is on the same campus and pays well (for a student position), but it’s not necessarily a job that he’s interested in holding long-term. He’s been more interested in getting an internship in the career field he’s interested in, but it’s been a harder go than he imagined. He’s attended countless career fairs over the past year, and meets with a mentor. In my opinion, taking all the right steps, yet he was unable to secure an internship this last summer.

He could have resided himself that this field wasn’t for him, or that he was somehow not employee material, but he buckled down, took the feedback he got along the way and persisted, recently attending another career fair and getting an internship offer extended on the spot. He was thrilled. He still has a few more career fairs to go before deciding on what he’ll do next summer, but his confidence has grown.

I wished I’d coined this phrase, but borrowing it from something Snoop Dogg (yes, Snoop Dogg) said on a blind audience episode of The Voice when a singer didn’t get a chair turn. In those situations you can feel like a failure, like something is wrong with you or you aren’t good enough, but Snoop summed it up best. “L isn’t for loser. It’s for lesson.” How right he is, we learn these lessons along the way, and need to silence our inner critic’s voice that tells us otherwise.

As I shared my joy with my son about his internship offer I also mentioned he might feel excited and a little bit scared. I know I’ve experienced those feelings in times of personal growth. We agreed that’s what growing up is all about.

What makes you excited and a little bit scared?

I will be away next week to spend time with family and back later in the month.

Gift Exchange

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What is the best unexpected gift you received?

Our exchange student is giving us gifts in unexpected ways. Taking them to our favorite parts of town, trying new foods (for them and us), sharing traditions and learning how ours are different from their’s. It’s seeing and appreciating the world in a whole new way for our family.

Most days, there is a period of time where we sit and have long discussions. It can be about their day, what’s going on, explaining to each other our differences. These talks often end with her and I left at the table or on the couch and the topic will turn to boys, what comes after she returns home (university, field of study, making up for missed time with family and friends, etc.). I find in these times I listen (or try to be a good listener), but have an almost uncontrollably urge to share knowledge and give advice. When the student talks, it’s like I’m listening to myself and want to have the conversations with her no one had with me at her age. I’m cognizant I’m not her parent, and stress cultures are different but try to boil anything I say down to what I would have benefited from (respecting yourself, getting clarity on your skills and interests for example) without any judgement. It is a wonderful gift to receive and I’m hopeful a gift to our student (I also feel like I have a small window into some of the joys of grand-parenting and seeing the world through new eyes). 🥰

It’s a gift to be able to share knowledge with others, and learn from others — something our exchange student being here is allowing us to do. We hope they see it as a gift too.

What knowledge is it important for you to share with your child? What are you learning from them?

Chopping Wood

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Every good campfire needs wood, kindling, and fire. Everything worth learning takes patience, persistence, and love.

My husband learned to chop wood for fires growing up, whether it was for heating the house, or for cooking and warmth camping. My youngest is now learning how to chop wood, though for a different reason. He’s going to a rail camp and will need to drive and pull railroad spikes as part of the experience. We thought chopping wood — using an axe and learning to handle the weight, and movement — would be a good place to start. We also realized we’ve had few opportunities to teach our boys the skill of chopping wood, since it’s relatively easy to buy bundles near camp sites, and our house doesn’t have a fireplace that uses logs.

My husband and son went into our backyard to practice. My youngest reminded me a bit of myself when I was young and learning new things, being cautious and getting frustrated during the learning process. My husband worked with my son. Being on the spectrum, he can struggle with fine and large motor skills particularly when learning something new. My son frustrated that he was struggling and my husband irritated his guidance wasn’t yielding the intended result. But that happens, right? As parents we try to guide our children through life and it can be infuriating when they struggle to (or flat out don’t) understand, or listen, or follow our direction. We can get angry (because we’re human and it’s super frustrating when our words don’t land), but it also provides us an opportunity to stop, step back, and determine how to go forward. Continuing to do the same thing over and over and expect the result to be different is the definition of insanity, right?

My husband and son reached an impasse and decided to resume chopping wood the following day. My son will get the hang of it. My husband’s words will get through, just slower than he’d like. While the experience might be a bit painful for them both now, the outcome — my son learning to chop wood, and getting himself ready for what he’ll be doing at rail camp. I imagine my son will be proud he can participate with greater ease at camp ( than if he hadn’t learned), and his father will feel good about teaching his son another skill he can use throughout his life.

Teaching your child can be challenging and rewarding. What have you taught your child that pushed your patience, but paid off in the end?

Don’t Fear Failure, Be Terrified of Regret

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We all fear failure, at least to some degree. Whether it’s fear of embarrassment, or confirming a negative doubt or flaw we think about ourselves, we’ll often go to great lengths to avoid it.

I’ve thought of that in my early days of parenting, wanting to be ‘perfect’ or as close to perfect as was possible and being terrified of ‘failing.’ It required me to open my mind by listening to our parents further along in their journey, my own parents, and allowing myself to pivot from fear of failure to awareness to the person I wanted to be (and how I’d show up for myself, spouse, and boys), and the experiences I wanted to have as a parent. I could ‘fail’ or make mistakes any time (we’re human), but being aware forced me to be intentional, which helped me in what actions, words, and engagements looked like — I didn’t want you to have any regrets parenting my kids.

Now my oldest is figuring out his path in life post high school. I shared him a wise saying I heard, “don’t fear failure, be terrified of regret.” I don’t want him to take the easy route because the other is hard, scary, or he might fail. I shared he should want to be challenged (because easy is boring), and if he tries and it doesn’t work out, he won’t regret it, but if he never tries he likely will.

Parenting and life can be scary at times. Wanting to do and be your best all the time an admirable goal. Letting intention (how, when, and where you want to show up for yourself and others) be your guide doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes, it just means you’ll minimize regrets you experience in life.

What fear did you face and overcome to avoid regret?

I’ll be off again spending time with family during Spring Break and will be back later in the month.

Laser Focused

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What is your child into?

My youngest is passionate about public transportation and envisions himself working in this field. His passion, knowledge, and desire to learn more and make a positive impact in this field is inspiring. One of the super powers kids on the spectrum have is being clear on their likes and dislikes.

He has submitted an application to attend a specialized camp in this field, it’s competitive and unclear to us how many other potential campers he might be competing with. The application required him to share why he wanted to go to the camp and what he hoped to gain. He also had to get references. The application felt more like he was applying to college than a camp quite honestly. It was a good exercise though. It forced my son to get clearer on how to articulate why he wants this (attending this camp), and what he hopes to gain from the experience. It’s been so long since I was his age, I forgot how little you know at that age (on wording and phrasing), and needing help to take what’s in your mind down on paper so that the reader can understand.

My son also struggled with the references from two perspectives—identifying who would be good references and how to get the person to actually agree to be a reference. He struggled with what I think most of us do — understanding people see our positive traits and are more than willing to share their thoughts with others, vs. it brings a burden or causes an inconvenience. We worked on him identifying the references (two teachers and a community member), and helped him craft emails to reach out and make the ask. He was nervous asking, but thrilled when everyone he reached out to came back quickly agreeing to be a reference and one going as far as providing a written recommendation. It was wonderful to see his joy.

We don’t know if he’ll get into the camp, but are optimistic. Regardless of what happens he’s gained some skills (articulating his desires, asking for support), and knowledge (he can do it, and people are willing to help support). If he stays laser focused on continuing to grow in these areas, I believe he’ll be just fine. 🥰

How are you helping them to grow through their interest(s)?

Learning on the Job

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What did you learn from your first job?

My oldest son has his first job where he receives a paycheck where taxes are withheld. He mainly works “behind the scenes” but occasionally has to interact with customers. The growth curve to get proficient is steep. He’s had days where he’s come home anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted, and sometimes even keeled and relaxed (though rare), My husband and I have reminded him he’s learning, making mistakes is normal, but learning for each mistake and doing better the next time is key.

This job is good for him. It’s forcing him to better understand what a job is — training, people relying on you, gaining new skills, and being challenged. He’s also gaining needed knowledge around what he wants you to do as a career — how does he want to be challenged, interact with others, and gain a feeling of accomplishment or at least contributing in a meaningful way?

My first job, aside from babysitting, was arranging floral bouquets — not the flowers, but the greenery. It was hard work on your hands with cuts from thorns, stickiness from sap, and it was so repetitive. I learned very quickly I did not want to do this long term. It reenforced the importance of education and to take advantage of every opportunity that presented itself. I know I was fortunate and had more opportunities than many others and took advantage of them (thanks to my own parents continuing to push and encourage me).

My son is thinking through what he wants to do. You can see him grappling with being independent — I can make my own choices; and balancing it with the opportunities his father and I continue to put in front of him — keep learning, don’t limit your options. I’m unsure the route he’ll ultimately go, but know he’s learning on the job, on how he wants to show up and interact with others — be a team player, reliable, accountable, and make mistakes and learn as he gains more knowledge; and what he ultimately wants out of a job and career.

What new skills is your child learning? How are you continuing to get them to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves that will help them grow?

New Year – New Day

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Any New Year’s resolutions?

Not here. Resolution by definition is deciding to do or not do something. I resolved not to make any resolutions when it seemed to cause me more stress than hope for positive change.

I’ve never encouraged my sons to make resolutions either. When my sons were young, we talked about how a new day brings an opportunity to start over — whether that’s in school, at home, in extra curricular activities, with others, etc. Knowing each day is a reset seems to soothe tough situations — getting upset, getting in trouble, struggling with anything (school work, assembling or taking apart a toy, trying something new or hard, etc.). Trying to do better, be better — whether that’s learning something new; being kind(er), or empathetic towards others; having patience; allowing yourself to feel your feelings; working through feelings; and the list goes on — is a daily goal I think we all should have.

As much as I’d like to think I know, I’m aware there is always more to learn. I work on this daily, whether it’s with coworkers, the boys I’m raising, my spouse, friends I engage with, and anyone else I interact with. I think ‘what went well’ (e.g., keep it up), ‘where was there a misstep or area I can I improve?’ (E.g., how can I improve in a future situation – listen more? Be more patient? Feel my feelings?, and work through them before responding?, etc.). It’s helpful for me, and a constant. I don’t stress about it because my goal is always the same — allow myself to notice how I ‘show up to others’, so I can not only be better but show up in life like I want to. I trying to arm my kids with this tool as well.

What do you resolve to do this new day or New Year?

Soar like an Eagle

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When last did you see your child soar?

My oldest, surprisingly to his father and I, decided to go for his Eagle Scout rank (Boys Scouts of America). My husband had earned his, and something about scouts appealed to my son. My husband took him to his first meeting years ago and thought our son would attend maybe one or two meetings and call it quits, but he didn’t. The skills and life lessons were what seemed to appeal to him.

I’d like to say my husband and I had a handle on how best to teach our boys all the life lessons we wanted to pass on, but we were wrong. Scouts gained our child’s interest in learning skills in a way that wouldn’t have occurred by mom and dad trying to educate (lecture?) them. I can see my son’s eyes rolling if we’d taken this approach. Instead, getting merit badges with counselors who held him accountable with what was needed and timelines to complete motivated our son. He was eager to learn and demonstrate proficiency. A favorite memory was talking to him and his brother in a car trip through Yellowstone National Park. There were long periods of time in the car. We talked about finances — saving for retirement, a house. Rent vs buying, the pros and cons, and what goes into each and more. He and his brother were very interested in learning and asked great questions. My husband and I were aware of how special that discussion was.

Scouting gave him leadership opportunities, a requirement to move up, that he took, learned and benefited from. His life skills continuing to grow. After completing the required merit badges and leadership position he needed to complete his Eagle Scout project which I previously blogged about. It was a steep learning curve for my son, but he completed the task.

The last requirement was going in front of a board to demonstrate proficiency and assess what had been learned and gained from the scout’s experience. My son prepared and wanted to do his best. Helping him get ready was another opportunity for my husband and I to teach him another valuable life skill — interviewing and being prepared (part of the Scout Motto) for unexpected questions he might get asked.

The review was done via video. My husband and I sat in another room anxiously awaiting to hear from our son and how the review went. He came out and was disappointed in how he did. You could see the stress in his face — did he just blow his chance for Eagle rank by how he’d answered the questions? While my son was stressed, my husband and I were not. The board review was more of a formality and unless he behaved out of character (being rude or disrespectful) the rank would be awarded. “They want to talk to you here in a few minutes.” We attempted to comfort him, but he convinced himself that bad news was coming. As we thought, the Scout leaders called us in and shared our son had earned his Eagle rank and we should be very proud. We were. I felt a combination of pride, relief, along with a smidge of sadness. Pride in our son seeing this through. Relief in that this was behind him and he no longer needed to worry about requirements and timelines. Sad in our son no longer having the prompt of earning a merit badge to engage with him and teach him a life skill.

He has the skills Scouts gave him to soar. I look forward to seeing him take flight.

What are skills you want to impart on your child? How are you helping them succeed (take flight)?

Model Building

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What is your kid enthusiastic about?

When my youngest was small (ages 3-8), he was obsessed with Cars (yes, capitalized, because I’m referring to the Pixar movie). 🥰 He developed a love of (lower case) cars as a result of the film (the best my husband and I can tell). This love of cars went up through his early teens. I can remember the countless hours of him playing with matchbox-sized cars (many in the form of Cars characters), lining them up, creating storylines, and making his own story with them coming to life (stop motion app, using mom or dad’s phone).

He’s older now and his tastes have changed. Cars (upper or lower case) no longer hold his attention. His loves have changed: geography, maps of the world, to trains, and then subway/transit systems. He is so interested (remember being on the spectrum, a super power is having clarity about your passion), he is participating in community board on transit for teens, various community events (openings, trivia nights, etc.), and wants to go into this field (city planning, transit advisor) as a career.

He has started collecting model subway cars to add to his already vast transit map collection. For his birthday, he asked for more models. He has traditionally wanted only completed models, but we thought we’d get him a kit and see if he’d enjoy building one. My husband has built model kits before (planes), so our sons have seen some of the joy this brings to their dad.

When our son opened the kit, we thought our chances were 50-50 that he’d want to build it, vs. having us send it back. I asked him if he’d like to work on it together and he said, “I’d like to work on this with dad because he’s done these things before.” I smiled—partially because he wanted to build it, and two, he wanted my husband’s help and not mine (I’m sure I could have helped him, but not sure I would have been the best partner). 😊

He and my husband set out working on the model subway car each night. Watching them work together on the build was something. There was excitement (for the model taking form), stress (oh no, we threw out the roof think it was trash, go check the recycling!), relief (thank goodness it wasn’t recycle pick-up week), and quiet love as they worked on the model figuring it out piece by piece. This model build may be the most special one for my son (and husband), since they built it together.

What have you and your child done together that’s been special and/or brought you closer?

It’s Going to Be Okay

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‘It’s going to be okay’ is a phrase that has gotten me through many a difficult situation. Hearing from my parent, when I was young, or my husband now, has always given me comfort.

My oldest had a test that was stressing him out. He was struggling with some of the concepts being taught and was concerned he wouldn’t do well on the test. We talked about what he could do to prepare in advance. That helped ease his anxiety slightly but it was still there. He took the test, and the teacher had the students take pictures of their work which they emailed in. It was an additional step to handing in the test to a proctor. My son came home. He was relieved that the test had gone much better than expected, but stressed because he realized in his desire to leave the testing area as soon as possible after turning in the test, he realized he hadn’t gotten clear pictures of all of his work. “Mom, the pages that didn’t come through equal 20% of my grade.” He sat down, put his head in his hands and said, “how will I ever be able to live on my own?” That statement caught my attention. I can understand being stressed about a mistake you’ve made that might result in something negative happening to you (such as getting a poor grade), but thought him extrapolating this to not being able to go out on his own an extreme thought.

We talked about the situation at hand first. I asked him what he could do to rectify the situation. He shared he’d already emailed the teacher and we discussed him going back to the test site to see if the proctor would allow him to retake the pictures of his work (he went back, but the proctor wouldn’t allow him access to his test). I then shared my own experience and how sometimes in life I catch myself wanting to leave a situation (for discomfort, I want to get to the next thing, or a variety of other reasons) and I can make mistakes in those situations. I asked my son, “how am I able to keep going if I know I might do this? I’ve lived on my own for a while and I’ve never been concerned in my ability to successfully do that. Why is that?” I smiled and he did too. It didn’t take him long to come back with the correct answer, “you learned from your mistake.” I told him that he was right and shared that even though I still “do things fast” on occasion, I do them less frequently than when I was younger and I try to catch myself in the moment and tell myself to “slowdown”. I finished by telling him that no matter the outcome of the test everything was going to be okay. I told him, “it might not feel like it now, but I promise you everything will be okay.” A poor grade can be overcome with improved work and extra credit (assuming the teacher allows). Absolute worst case is he fails the class and has to take it over. While the scenarios might not seem fun, they were all something that could be addressed. Not long after we finished our conversation my son shared that he’d heard from his teacher who told him not to worry about it, he was more concerned with the work being shown on the test, than the actual pictures coming through and being clear. It had indeed ended up being okay.

How do you help your child work through a mistake they’ve made? How do you let them know things will work out or be okay?