Category Archives: Dad

Dad Moments

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I told my husband, when our first child was born, he’d be closest to him since they shared the same gender. I had read that somewhere (article, or parenting book) and it made sense to me. I had most certainly looked toward my mom to guide me in gender cues and how to behave while growing up. My husband was a little surprised by my comment, not putting much thought into it prior to me raising the point, but he quickly accepted it, as he realized he’d learned gender cues from his father.

Over the years, my husband has leaned into his role, trying to set a good example for his son and raise him to be not only a good person, but someone who’s involved and contributes (in the community and beyond). It’s allowed him to have many memorable moments with our son, in one-on-one interactions — going for runs or walk together to talk “guy” stuff; involvement in Scouts, and exposing our son to the outdoors — caring for the environment while appreciating the beauty and even struggle (making a campfire, climbing a challenging trail; building a shelter); getting him involved in a local soup kitchen to expose him to others different from him — teaching compassion and empathy.

Fathers have a big impact on their children lives, regardless of gender. Being present is the present every child longs for (whether they realize it and appreciate it or not at the time). 😊

Thank you to my husband and all the fathers out there that care, are engaged, and create those moments that are meaningful and impactful.

Happy Father’s Day!

Chopping Wood

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Every good campfire needs wood, kindling, and fire. Everything worth learning takes patience, persistence, and love.

My husband learned to chop wood for fires growing up, whether it was for heating the house, or for cooking and warmth camping. My youngest is now learning how to chop wood, though for a different reason. He’s going to a rail camp and will need to drive and pull railroad spikes as part of the experience. We thought chopping wood — using an axe and learning to handle the weight, and movement — would be a good place to start. We also realized we’ve had few opportunities to teach our boys the skill of chopping wood, since it’s relatively easy to buy bundles near camp sites, and our house doesn’t have a fireplace that uses logs.

My husband and son went into our backyard to practice. My youngest reminded me a bit of myself when I was young and learning new things, being cautious and getting frustrated during the learning process. My husband worked with my son. Being on the spectrum, he can struggle with fine and large motor skills particularly when learning something new. My son frustrated that he was struggling and my husband irritated his guidance wasn’t yielding the intended result. But that happens, right? As parents we try to guide our children through life and it can be infuriating when they struggle to (or flat out don’t) understand, or listen, or follow our direction. We can get angry (because we’re human and it’s super frustrating when our words don’t land), but it also provides us an opportunity to stop, step back, and determine how to go forward. Continuing to do the same thing over and over and expect the result to be different is the definition of insanity, right?

My husband and son reached an impasse and decided to resume chopping wood the following day. My son will get the hang of it. My husband’s words will get through, just slower than he’d like. While the experience might be a bit painful for them both now, the outcome — my son learning to chop wood, and getting himself ready for what he’ll be doing at rail camp. I imagine my son will be proud he can participate with greater ease at camp ( than if he hadn’t learned), and his father will feel good about teaching his son another skill he can use throughout his life.

Teaching your child can be challenging and rewarding. What have you taught your child that pushed your patience, but paid off in the end?

Most Important

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What is currently your top priority?

I’ve been reading Worlds Apart: A Memoir of Uncertain Belonging by Sarah Lutterodt, who grows up in England but comes into her own as her work takes her to far off places including Ghana, and the US.

In addition to the book being about being an immigrant, and navigating prejudice (as a working/educated woman), and her family incurring racial discrimination (with husband being from Ghana) it’s about the struggles of a working parent and the choices we make whether to make ends meet or to pursue a professional goal.

In one anecdote, her oldest asks her what the most important project is she is working on. When she responds with the name of her work project, her oldest quickly corrects her. “Wrong!” they say, “your family is your most important project!”

I loved this. How many of us can relate to our work feeling oh-so-important in the moment and lose (or take for granted), even if momentarily, what’s really important? Juggling work and family can feel impossible. I recall a colleague, recently back from maternity leave, calling me in tears because she was overwhelmed with everything coming at her. I could so relate! I felt fortunate she was willing to be vulnerable and open with me about her struggles in managing the demands of the job and her need to do right be her family. I reminded her that she was probably doing better than she thought she was (because aren’t we almost always our own worst critics), and encouraged her to take micro breaks (a walk, fresh air, etc.), so she could better regain her footing.

As parents, demand on our time are constant, and the next thing that needs to get done can feel “most important.” How do you keep yourself tuned into what’s really important and ensure you don’t let work (or other obligations) overtake the parent you want to be and how you want your show up in your relationships?

Holiday Lights

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What holiday traditions does your family have?

We have a handful of holiday traditions we try to do each year (weather tends to dictate). We go to a botanical garden that is decorated with lights — animals, plants, sea and even mystical creatures. It’s a 20-minute walk to see it all, but something we enjoy. We like checking out lights around different neighborhoods — with one, in particular, that goes all out (dozens and dozens of homes decorated from top to bottom). We go to a nearby lake trail that does luminaries the second Saturday of each December.

I love these traditions, and they are all different from traditions I did growing up — when opening an Advent Calendar door was a thrill (one day closer to Christmas!), watching Rudolph the only night and time it aired (VCRs weren’t around yet), and baking up more goodies than we could possibly eat.

My sons love our traditions (or, at least, I think they do). They will remind us (if we haven’t mentioned already having plans), to keep us on track and the traditions alive. It’s fun to see my oldest get excited about spending time with us (his family) for anything. 😊 And seeing the boys together — joking around, enjoying each other, and the sights with their father and I is their gift to me each year (mostly figuratively, but sometimes literally too #averyMomChristmas 😂🥰).

What holiday traditions do you have? What gift does your child give you?

Soar like an Eagle

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When last did you see your child soar?

My oldest, surprisingly to his father and I, decided to go for his Eagle Scout rank (Boys Scouts of America). My husband had earned his, and something about scouts appealed to my son. My husband took him to his first meeting years ago and thought our son would attend maybe one or two meetings and call it quits, but he didn’t. The skills and life lessons were what seemed to appeal to him.

I’d like to say my husband and I had a handle on how best to teach our boys all the life lessons we wanted to pass on, but we were wrong. Scouts gained our child’s interest in learning skills in a way that wouldn’t have occurred by mom and dad trying to educate (lecture?) them. I can see my son’s eyes rolling if we’d taken this approach. Instead, getting merit badges with counselors who held him accountable with what was needed and timelines to complete motivated our son. He was eager to learn and demonstrate proficiency. A favorite memory was talking to him and his brother in a car trip through Yellowstone National Park. There were long periods of time in the car. We talked about finances — saving for retirement, a house. Rent vs buying, the pros and cons, and what goes into each and more. He and his brother were very interested in learning and asked great questions. My husband and I were aware of how special that discussion was.

Scouting gave him leadership opportunities, a requirement to move up, that he took, learned and benefited from. His life skills continuing to grow. After completing the required merit badges and leadership position he needed to complete his Eagle Scout project which I previously blogged about. It was a steep learning curve for my son, but he completed the task.

The last requirement was going in front of a board to demonstrate proficiency and assess what had been learned and gained from the scout’s experience. My son prepared and wanted to do his best. Helping him get ready was another opportunity for my husband and I to teach him another valuable life skill — interviewing and being prepared (part of the Scout Motto) for unexpected questions he might get asked.

The review was done via video. My husband and I sat in another room anxiously awaiting to hear from our son and how the review went. He came out and was disappointed in how he did. You could see the stress in his face — did he just blow his chance for Eagle rank by how he’d answered the questions? While my son was stressed, my husband and I were not. The board review was more of a formality and unless he behaved out of character (being rude or disrespectful) the rank would be awarded. “They want to talk to you here in a few minutes.” We attempted to comfort him, but he convinced himself that bad news was coming. As we thought, the Scout leaders called us in and shared our son had earned his Eagle rank and we should be very proud. We were. I felt a combination of pride, relief, along with a smidge of sadness. Pride in our son seeing this through. Relief in that this was behind him and he no longer needed to worry about requirements and timelines. Sad in our son no longer having the prompt of earning a merit badge to engage with him and teach him a life skill.

He has the skills Scouts gave him to soar. I look forward to seeing him take flight.

What are skills you want to impart on your child? How are you helping them succeed (take flight)?

Model Building

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What is your kid enthusiastic about?

When my youngest was small (ages 3-8), he was obsessed with Cars (yes, capitalized, because I’m referring to the Pixar movie). 🥰 He developed a love of (lower case) cars as a result of the film (the best my husband and I can tell). This love of cars went up through his early teens. I can remember the countless hours of him playing with matchbox-sized cars (many in the form of Cars characters), lining them up, creating storylines, and making his own story with them coming to life (stop motion app, using mom or dad’s phone).

He’s older now and his tastes have changed. Cars (upper or lower case) no longer hold his attention. His loves have changed: geography, maps of the world, to trains, and then subway/transit systems. He is so interested (remember being on the spectrum, a super power is having clarity about your passion), he is participating in community board on transit for teens, various community events (openings, trivia nights, etc.), and wants to go into this field (city planning, transit advisor) as a career.

He has started collecting model subway cars to add to his already vast transit map collection. For his birthday, he asked for more models. He has traditionally wanted only completed models, but we thought we’d get him a kit and see if he’d enjoy building one. My husband has built model kits before (planes), so our sons have seen some of the joy this brings to their dad.

When our son opened the kit, we thought our chances were 50-50 that he’d want to build it, vs. having us send it back. I asked him if he’d like to work on it together and he said, “I’d like to work on this with dad because he’s done these things before.” I smiled—partially because he wanted to build it, and two, he wanted my husband’s help and not mine (I’m sure I could have helped him, but not sure I would have been the best partner). 😊

He and my husband set out working on the model subway car each night. Watching them work together on the build was something. There was excitement (for the model taking form), stress (oh no, we threw out the roof think it was trash, go check the recycling!), relief (thank goodness it wasn’t recycle pick-up week), and quiet love as they worked on the model figuring it out piece by piece. This model build may be the most special one for my son (and husband), since they built it together.

What have you and your child done together that’s been special and/or brought you closer?

Top Dad

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I’m fortunate to have a father who was engaged, loving, fair, and supportive growing up. He was my model for all other men in my life.

My boys have a father who is engaged (even more so than my father was), loving, fair, and supportive growing up. I’m so thankful we found each other and our boys have such a great dad.

Fathers are ‘tops’ in my book when they embrace the role and give it their all. Not always easy to do (but whoever said parenting was easy?). 🥰

To all the Top Dads out their — thank you for all you do. Happy Father’s Day!

World’s Best Dad

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What are the qualities you’d put on the list to determine the world’s best dad?

If I had to boil it down, for me, the qualities would include — love, support, encourage, teach, show/guide, feed (literally and figuratively), and love, love, love. These qualities are pretty much what I’d say makes up World’s Best Mom too. 😊

Because raising kids is hard, dad’s who lean into parenting are even that much more special.

If you were fortunate enough to have a dad that you’d put on the list for World’s Best Dad, congratulations! You hit the jackpot. I know I did, and my kids have too (whether they realize it yet or not is another question ☺️).

Thanks to all the World’s Best Dads out there! We love and appreciate you for being you. Enjoy your day!

Overflowing

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What are the worst parts of parenting?

When my boys were little, I would have said lack of sleep, changing diapers, dealing with spit up, drooling, and teething. Of course there are tough parts of parenting as your kid grows that aren’t necessarily fun — setting rules, enforcing them, teaching things, getting your child to listen/care, your child getting upset with you or you with them — but while those times can be challenging, frustrating, maybe even painful, in our house, we always try to find the lesson on the other side.

One son clogged the toilet one evening. Definitely one of those things I’ve never enjoyed as a parent. 😊 He attempted to unclog it, only to fill the bowl to the brim on the verge of overflowing after several failed attempts. He went out to ask his father for help. My husband sprang into action and then started getting upset with my son for not knowing what to do (get water out of the toilet, transfer it to the bucket without spilling on the floor, get towels to clean up what spilled, etc.). My husband got frustrated with my son, and my son got upset with himself for not knowing what to do. I had gone to bed early and woke to several text messages from my son outlining what happened and the sadness he felt about what had happened and how the interaction with his father had went. I texted him back (while he was sleeping) reminding him that even though we might not always like what each other is doing, we always love each other, no matter what. I grabbed time with him once he was awake.

“How are you doing?” I asked. “Better,” he said, “Thanks for your message.” I sat him down and shared some insight with him. “You wouldn’t know this but as your parent our job is to teach you things, and when things happen where you or your brother don’t know what to do, it can feel like we, as your parents, have failed you. And that can feel bad. It doesn’t excuse behavior — if we get short-tempered, frustrated or maybe say things in anger. I want you to understand why your father might have reacted the way he did. We’ve never taught you and your brother how to unclog a toilet so there would be no way you would know how to do that. It’s something we need to teach you. Also, you might have been a bit embarrassed about clogging the toilet. Anyone would be. In the future, you don’t need to worry about that. If you’re in a situation and you try the fix and it seems to be making the problem worse, stop — give yourself time to think what to do next — ask for help, go online and look for tips and tricks, etc.” I took a breath. “Does that all make sense? You didn’t do anything wrong. These things happen and you’re reminding your father and I we have more teaching to do.” He gave me a hug, and headed off to school.

That afternoon my other son, who’d seen what happened said, “I have an idea. I think there are things you and dad should teach us. Maybe pick once a week, and show us how to do it.” “Do you have ideas for what you’d like us to teach you?,” I asked. “Yes,” he said, “unclogging a toilet, paying a bill, setting up an account, tying a tie.” I smiled, these were all great things we’d gladly teach our boys. I told him as much. He started a list when he got home, and his brother is adding to it.

Cleaning up after someone else can feel like the worst when it’s happening. But being able to understand each other better, and how we can help each other (our kids better understand my husband and I, and us better understanding what we need to teach our kids), has me overflowing with gratitude. Who knew a clogged toilet could lead to that?

What bad situation lead to something good for you and your child?

Proud

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When have you seen your child be proud of something they’ve accomplished?

My oldest is learning how to drive. Gulp. He is wired to be anxious in new settings and learning to drive has been no different. We started in a nearby church parking with lots of room so he could get a feel for the car. Learning simple things like wearing your seatbelt, using the gas and brake, and checking your surroundings. He was learning something new, and something that comes with great responsibility. He was nervous but willing to give it a try.

Starting and stopping. Knowing where to put your hands on the steering wheel and turning with crossing your arms were things he had to learn. The first lesson there was jerky motions, and “sorry, I’m sorry” when he did something not quite like he wanted to. It took me back to when I learned to drive. I remember my father teaching me how to first drive in a field, then on dirt and back roads. If he was ever nervous, he never let on. And I can remember thinking if he had confidence in me, maybe I should have confidence in myself.

In our state, you have to go to driving school in order to get your license if you’re under 18. Part of driving school includes driving time with an instructor. While I knew my son enjoyed the safety of practicing in the parking lot, it was time to get him on the road. I didn’t want his first time with the instructor to be his first time on the road.

I took him out and we started on a side street. I didn’t tell him where we were going, I just gave him instructions along the way. “Let’s take a left at this intersection.” “Turn your signal on.” “Go ahead and start braking.” “After you stop count to three before you go.” And so on. We were a few minutes in and he was doing fine but asked, “where’s a parking lot we can pull into.” I could tell he was uncomfortable that a busy intersection was coming up. Instead on pointing out the nearest parking lot, I said, “We’re not stopping. You’ve got this.” We proceeded to drive for a while longer. We went through another busy intersection. You could almost see his confidence grow and his anxiousness subside. At one point I told him he’d be driving us back to our house. “No way!” he said. His fear momentarily returned. Instead of going back home, I had him drive past our house and we drove for another ten minutes. I could see his confidence growing and took advantage of the opportunity to guide him back home and into the driveway. He put the car in park. Smiled, and exited the car.

When I met him inside he couldn’t wait to tell his dad what he’d just done. I told him what a good job he’d done. He was almost glowing, it was a wonderful feeling to know I contributed (even just by being there and believing in him and his abilities) even in a small way. He did all the work.

He went into his room and came back out after a few minutes. “Thanks, Mom,” he said. “I just needed you to know you can do it, and you did,” I said. “I’m proud of you.” He smiled and went back to his room.

We all need people to believe in us regardless of our age, but especially when we’re young. I thankful my father believed in me, and hope my son passes has a similar experience with his child one day. It’s a wonderful memory I’ll treasure.

My son has much more learning to do, and even though mistakes will be made it’s how he’ll grow and get better. And while I might feel proud, him being proud of himself is the greatest gift he can give himself.

What makes you proud? How are you helping build your child’s confidence in them self, and their abilities?