Tag Archives: High School

Pride (and Prejudice)

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My youngest finally got a main speaking role in his high school production. Up to this point, during his time in high school, he’s had one line in a musical and always been part of the ensemble cast. He’s yearned for a lead role every year, and been understandably upset when not picked. He is a senior this year, and knowing time is limited to get roles, he was thrilled when he was cast as Mr. Collins, in Pride and Prejudice. Of course, he would have loved to been cast as Mr. Darcy, but grateful he got a role.

The show had six performances. We decided we’d see him on closing weekend. A friend, whose daughter is also in theatre, saw the show opening night. I received a text from her during the show’s intermission “Your son makes a great Mr. Collins.” I replied with a ❤️ emoji and shared we’d be seeing a later performance. I received another text from her following the show, “He had the audience in the palm of his hand. Kudos.” WOW! I thought. What a great compliment for my son (or anyone) to receive. I was bursting with PRIDE for my son, thinking of all the hard work he’d put in over the years and getting this type of recognition.

The compliment was backed up by another when my son received a senior superlative (think most likely to succeed, most athletic, best all around, etc.). When he told friends he won, they asked in what category? He asked them to guess. Two that saw the show said, “you got it for acting, didn’t you?” He didn’t, he got it for being a school history buff, but again, having both adults and your peers acknowledge your work, I’m not sure there’s anything much better. Unless, of course, he played Mr. Darcy, but I suppose that’s just his mom being PREJUDICE. 😂

When have you felt tremendous pride for your child?

Parental Frustration

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When was the last time you got frustrated as a parent?

My youngest is working on an essay that will have implications for what he does after high school. He has struggled with this exercise — how to get his ideas across in a way the reader will understand. His father and I, of course, have been his sounding board, coaches, and editors. We’ve told him that he wants to put his best effort into this and not have regrets on what he submits, so have been pushing him to rewrite, and continue to improve what he’s been working on.

As a kid on the spectrum, he sometimes struggles with instruction (or coaching). He’ll say “my brain works differently,” and he’s right. Sometimes he takes things literally and other times he can make things over complicated (I have this tendency myself). My husband and I have to try different approaches based on the situation.

He has made good progress on his essay, but his father and I think it can be better. My husband was asking my son to consider other ways to strengthen his message. My son was stating how he’d already done what was asked. Frustrations from both boiled over. My son retreated to his room. He came out after some time and asked for a hug. He tried whispering to me that dad was upset with him, and instead of allowing the conversation to be just he and I, I spoke so that my husband could also hear. I asked my son, “what is mom and dad’s job?” He responded as he and his brother have been taught from a young age, “to teach me things and keep me safe.” I reminded him that what we are trying to do is teach him and get the best out of him. The frustration comes from our approaches to helping/teaching him not working or getting through to him. “We feel like we’re failing you in these moments as your parents, and it’s frustrating because we’re not sure why what we’re trying to convey isn’t working. Our frustration doesn’t have to do with you, but our ability to teach you and help you.” My son smiled. My husband was listening too. We needed to have the discussion so that we were all on the same page and our goal was for my son to do his best.

Parenting has its moments, and getting frustrated is part of the growth we go through — why won’t my child stop biting, or hitting, or throwing a tantrum when they’re young; why aren’t they better behaved, have better manners, clean their room as they get older; and why won’t they listen or take my advice as the move into young adulthood. It can be painful, angering and much more. It’s realizing what’s behind it — why are we frustrated? Is it because our child is/isn’t doing something? Yes, but also because our responsibility is to teach our children to do (or not do) certain things, and when that doesn’t occur, we can internalize it as a slight on our capabilities (or lack thereof) as a parent. I’m a big believer in letting our kids in on this insight, so they don’t misunderstand and fill in the blanks (I’m bad, or not good because my parents get frustrated or upset with me).

When was the last time you got frustrated with your child? How did you work through it with them? What did you learn about yourself and your parenting approach after?

Team Work (Collaboration Part 2)

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Do you work well with others?

My youngest and his co-director continue to have communication challenges. It came to a head when they disagreed on something and his peer got upset with him. As he was recounting what happened to his father and I it became clear he knew why they had been having so much trouble getting on the same page. The co-director misheard something he’d said early in the process and she thought he was deferring all decisions to her and all the responsibilities that go with them. I would have been unhappy too. She shared with my son that he would send out a list of things that still needed to be done, late at night, before he went to bed, thinking she and the cast would see the messages in the morning, but her ADHD caused her to need to respond to the message(s) and take action immediately even if that didn’t need to happen. “I feel like I’m a bad person,” my son shared. “I had no idea she was going through this. I just thought she was up late like I was and wanted to respond.”

There’s no way he could have known. Communication is complex and being open and honest isn’t always easy. We referred back to our previous discussion on this topic. “Have you had a heart to heart with her like we talked about?” we asked. His response indicated he’d hoped the problem would resolve itself. I understood. I, too, struggled with these types of conversations when I was younger. We reminded him that while they’re hard to have, once done, it makes moving forward much easier.

I’m not convinced he and his peer are on the same page still, but the show is coming up in two weeks and he knows he has to power through. At least he has a better appreciation for what his co-director is going through and can bring more empathy (which he’s good at) to how he collaborates and communicates with her.

How do you help your child navigate challenging conversations?

Back to School – Last Time Edition

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This time of year is always a mixed bag for me — summer coming to an end 😞, activities ramping up, and the kids going back to school. For my youngest, this will be his last year of high school. I’m meeting the moment with a mixture of excitement for him and sadness that things will be coming to an end.

What I look forward to:

• His activities – he’ll be in a play (possibly more) and will be directing another

• Him figuring out where he goes next — the application process — excitement and anxiety all rolled into one

• Watching him continue to grow. He’s already put on his list of objectives this year to be more social! 😊

• Graduating and him recognizing the accomplishment he’s made

• And selfishly not getting numerous calls/notices from the school/district after he graduates. I’m all about proactive communication, but it normally turns into us getting notified multiple ways for the same thing over and over throughout the school year. 😂

Your kid(s) has started back to school. What do you look forward to most?

The Gift of Connection

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Friends and loved ones, those you have meaningful connections with, creating a sending of belonging and joy.

My youngest struggles with making these types of connections, common for those with autism. He does have a core groups of friends he made in middle school, and a best friend he’s known since elementary but only got close to within the last few years.

When our exchange student arrived, it took her a few days and weeks to get comfortable in our home. My husband and I would fall asleep before the kids would and we learned months in that our exchange student and youngest son would have late night chats in the living room. Our exchange student shares would concern, silly things that happened or hopes, and my son would share the same. Over time, you could see a strong sibling bonding forming. They care about each other and are interested in how the other is doing.

Unbeknownst to my son, this was great practice for him in what meaningful relationships look like. His older brother and he would talk (when his brother lived at home), but was more guarded in what he shared, so while the practice my youngest experienced with our exchange student was much more impactful. I can see his growth when he is out with his friends. I’m grateful for the gift our exchange student gave our son while she was with us. We are missing her dearly since she’s returned home.

How do friendship and connections impact your child?

Rounding the Bases and Sliding into Home

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That’s what this time of year feels like to me. It’s filled with of end of the year activities — the school play wrapping up for my youngest, graduation upcoming for our exchange student, our oldest wrapping up his first year of college and coming home for the summer, and family in town to visit and celebrate milestones.

It can be a lot in a few short weeks. It can feel intense with the schedule – get kid x here and kid y there, keeping track of where kids are 😂 as there seem to be a flurry of friend meet-ups jammed in right at the end of the school year, get everyone fed, get work done, etc. It can feel intense, but also memorable and I really try to stay present though it isn’t always easy.

Our exchange student leaves us in a few weeks 🥹, I haven’t even let myself really come to terms with that yet, or that my youngest will be a senior next year, and I only have one more “rounding-of-the-bases” from a school year perspective to go. Gulp!

What is the end of the school year like for your family? What are you glad is over and what do (or will) you miss?

Panic Before the Prom

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Having a girl (our exchange student) has been eye-opening for us (me, in particular). I’d like to think that looks aren’t that important to this younger generation of females, but with social media apps, and trying to keep up (compete?) with your peers, looks — down to the microscopic element — are top of mind…constantly. Honestly, as a woman, it makes me both sad and angry. I was hoping we were evolving as a people more than what we appear (pun intended) to be.

As the host mom, I want to support our student and help her work through any angst she is feeling, but I struggle with some things that to her are super important, but to me aren’t. She is gorgeous by the way, without a stitch of makeup and should be someone who isn’t impacted by the beauty machine, but she is fully sucked in. I’m curious if it is worse for her since coming to America. I’ll have to ask.

Prom is coming up. Nail, hair, accessories, dress, shoes, makeup, outfits (for the weekend), and more. One item getting her worked up is her dress. It’s beautiful but a bit long. We got it too close to the dance to get it hemmed by a seamstress and let’s say, well, I’m inspired by people who can sew, but I have no desire to do it beyond simple mending and do not own a sewing machine. She is set on getting the length taken in 36 hours before the dance. 😳 We tracked down some hemming tape, but she is scared how it will affect the dress. “It won’t look good in the pictures,” she said. I suggested we try a small area, see how it looks and then go from there. She continued to ask me for other ideas. The only other thing I’ve come up with is taking the extra material in the back and pinning it up to the side (sweeping). It might look a little unnatural, but it would allow her to walk and take photos with the dress looking fine.

I’ve tried to tell her that things like your nails, the bottom of your dress, and if your eyelashes are curled or not, will not be noticed by anyone, and if they are, it will be for a nanosecond and they’ll be on thinking about the next thing and no longer thinking of you. I know she hears me, but not sure she believes me. I’m not sure I would have believed myself at her age. By the way, at my prom, I got my nails down special to match my dress. When getting photos, I was instructed to put my hand on my dates lapel, which I did, and I folded my fingers under it. Ha! You couldn’t even see my nail job. Why did I go thru all the trouble?

She’s in a panic, but my guess is it’s more nerves going with a boy she barely knows, experiencing something very American (the prom), and wanting it to be something magical (like you see in the movies), versus how long or short her dress is. We will get through this. I’ll let you know if the hemming tape works.

When has your teen panicked about something? How did you work through their angst?

I’ll be taking next weekend off for the long weekend and back in June.

Win or Lose

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It’s how you play the game, right?

I recently watched Win or Lose on Disney+. It’s about a coed middle school softball team where each episode focuses on a character and their point of view and emotions during the season.

I was taken in with how well written and clever the show is. In my opinion, it captures well feelings of insecurity and how we deal with it, protecting yourself (from being emotionally let down) with armor, what your heart and mind go through when you’re romantically interested in someone, juggling multiple things, being overwhelmed, and sometimes letting things explode (after you get so puffed up you almost blow away) when you can’t take it anymore; and more.

Anytime I watch TV that pulls me in like this—where I think, this is good, anyone can learn from this or see themselves in this (perhaps at a younger age)—I want to share it with my family, and talk about it. Did they have the same experience I did? Was there anything they took away from it, I missed?

The only problem is I’ve entered the phase in parenting where me asking my kids to watch a show is met with resistance. Either my endorsement doesn’t hold much weight 😂, or by not wanting to watch the show my kids are demonstrating their independence. I hope it’s the latter.

The best part about Win or Lose, is by the end of the show you don’t really care or need to know who wins the game. It was really about how they played the game. And as the Coach in the show would say something along the lines of, “we win when everyone tried their best.” So true.

Parenting and life is much the same. It’s not something we win or lose, but how we show up and try our best everyday.

What shows have spoken to you and your family?

Scare after Scare

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What scares you? What scares your child?

My kids are well past the ages of monsters under the bed or the house creaking during the night scaring them. What scares them is age appropriate — an upcoming test, if someone will return their interest or affection, and some is the same as mine — seeing what’s going on with our politics 😞

My youngest is typically happy-go-lucky. Not that he’s happy all the time, but mostly you’ll see him with a sunny disposition (particularly appreciated in the often overcast climate we live in). My son has taken a keen interest in politics in recent years, and we’ve had many discussions post-election on how to not get too overwhelmed with everything that will come. Easier said than done, right? We’ve tried to encourage picking our battles. It can be tough when so many people are hurting from unexpected job loss, financial struggles or insecurity, food prices going up, the economy unstable, healthcare bring impacted, the environment being jeopardized, immigrants fearing deportation, and on and on.

As a parent, I feel like my job is to try to rise above it (e.g., not let my emotions allow me to fully say everything I think and feel to my child and add to their worry or angst), but to listen, empathize, and remind them we’ll get through this. It’s tough when you, yourself, have no clue how you’re going to get thru it because you don’t know exactly when the madness will end and how bad it’ll get beforehand.

My youngest texted his father and I while he was at school to let us know he wasn’t having a good mental health day. He does not normally talk in these terms, so we knew something had to have happened to cause him to text us this. It turned out he’d heard that a law was going to be overturned by the Supreme Court which upset him. After my husband and I had an exchange with him. We all determined there was no case before the court and nothing to indicate the law would change. It was a relief, but still made me sad that my teen had anxiety because of those that seem more interested in power and money, than what’s best for all, and an internet algorithm putting the misleading news article at the top of my son’s feed.

I believe many of us parents are struggling during this time. We want to model good behavior, teach our kids what’s right and wrong, and hard to counter this when our leaders appear to be acting badly with little we can do.

I told my son, there will be moments where we’re going to need to make our voices heard, but reminded him he is not alone, we are here for him —whether he just needs an ear to listen and empathize or if we need to march in a protest or something else. That’s where I can help my son.

How do you support your child when they are anxious?