Laws of Attraction

How did you know your significant other was ‘the one’?

When the evening weather is nice I like to get outside for a walk. Sometimes we walk as a family, sometimes it’s just me and my husband, or me and one of my boys. My oldest son went for a walk with me this past week. I always treat these walks as a special time for me to get caught up with him.

During our walk, he shared about friendships he was making, and growing more comfortable as a middle schooler. I asked if there was anyone he was interested in as more than a friend. He said, “You know, mom, I think I’m weird.” “Why do you say that?” I asked. “Well,” he paused before continuing, “Because I’m physically attracted to some people, but I’m not sure I like them as a person.” I responded by telling him there was nothing weird about having this insight and he was probably ahead of his peers in his way of thinking about a desired relationship. “Too often people start relationships because of physical attraction, only to find out later they don’t necessarily like the person. A relationship doesn’t work if both people don’t want to be in it, and why would you want to stay in a relationship if you didn’t like who you are with?” He responded, “Yea, it’s just weird though. It’s like one part of me is attracted and the other part isn’t. It doesn’t make sense.” I told him I understood.

As we walked I thought about the laws of attraction and how physical attraction is primal and has helped the human species to survive. I was impressed my son was aware of his own conflicts between his head and heart, and his desire to have a relationship with someone that are in unison vs. disparate.

Is your tween/teen in a relationship? What drew them to their partner?

Head and Heart

How does your child show others who they are?

My family and I were fortune to see Peggy Orenstein talk about her book Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity. My husband and I decided to have our sons attend with us. While the idea of having to hear about sex, intimacy, and porn with my kids made me uncomfortable, my husband and I knew if these topics were ‘out in the open’ we could talk more openly with our kids about what they are seeing, hearing, and thinking.

My kids shared my discomfort. “Mom, do we have to go?,” they asked. There was no getting out of it. If I as going to power through my discomfort so we’re they. We were going to this talk as a family. I did suggest a compromise, “I know you’re uncomfortable being with mom and dad at this event. If you want to sit away from us, that’s okay.” That seemed to make us all feel a little better.

One of the most powerful revelations I had during Peggy’s talk was when she shared what her work uncovered — that girls are taught to disconnect from their bodies (who you are is one thing, your body or outward appearance another), and boys are taught to disconnect from their heart (have feelings, empathy, etc., but not be able to show them). I thought about how I’ve seen my oldest son struggle with this. It’s like the empathetic kid I’ve known has been working hard to stuff his feelings and empathy way down–with it rarely surfacing as he ages. My husband and I have talked to him about toxic masculinity and encouraged him not to buy into it (or fall into its trap), but Peggy shared insights that helped outline just how hard that is. Our kids are up against what the see on TV, the internet, etc., and risk isolating themselves when they break from the “norm” — stand up for others, or freely express how they feel.

The talk has helped us start a more useful dialogue as a family around what our boys are up against. My husband and my’s goal is to teach them to keep their head and heart connected. It won’t be easy, but us being willing to be uncomfortable together has been for us a great place to start.

How are you helping your child be true to who they are?