Tag Archives: Feelings

Navigating Teen Love

Posted on by

0

Who was your first crush?

There were several I had in my youth. A boy, named, Brian, gave me butterflies in my stomach in the 3rd grade. 😊

Navigating love isn’t easy for most. There is risk, joy and pain. Our exchange student went to prom and had a great time. The hem fabric solution we used to shorten her dress worked great (the pre-prom panic all for naught). She was excited to be asked and to go, but wasn’t particularly interested in her date. Not because he wasn’t handsome or nice, but because she is going home soon and didn’t see the benefit of starting anything with anyone with so little time left. Let’s just say, the poor guy was a little heartbroken. He clearly hoped there could be something between them, even if it was short lived.

As a parent, I’ve tried to be as honest with my kids (and our exchange student) on things I’ve learned during my life around relationships, communication, empathy, and confidence (in who you are, and what you have to offer others). My hope is that by sharing, the kids have some perspective, don’t feel alone, or draw conclusions that are negative about themselves (I’m not good enough, no one will ever like me). The boy wanting something to happen made it a bit awkward for our exchange student, put I was proud of her for speaking honestly with him about her feelings. It is hard to let someone down.

I had several crushes through my teens and early 20s, and only in hindsight am I glad they didn’t work out. There was heartbreak — and boy did it hurt. But we get back up and try again, and if we’re lucky we find our person.

Helping teens navigate love is hard. Social media, and smartphones (everything can be captured) puts another lens or pressure I didn’t experience. I’m grateful, but at the same time, finding love is the same regardless of the day and age — knowing who you are, knowing the key qualities you want in a partner, and chemistry. You have to be willing to invest, be vulnerable (brave), and tenacious. Particularly hard when you are experiencing heartbreak.

How are you helping your teen navigate love?

Tryouts

Posted on by

0

Did you ever try out for a sport or role when you were growing up?

I tried out for a sporting team in high school that had the minimum number of players needed when I tried out, so I wasn’t cut (phew!). I had to practice, and practice, and practice, and eventually became proficient at the sport and played for my three years.

My oldest has tried out for two sports. Basketball, when he was in middle school; and football in high school. He didn’t make the basketball team, which he was disappointed by, but also didn’t have much playing time under his belt (he shot hoops with friends occasionally, but hadn’t played a game, even in a rec league). He played flag football throughout his younger years, and made the high school football team based on his skills and knowledge of the game.

My youngest, tried out for theater roles, and has been fortunate to get selected to participate in his high school productions each year. His elementary theater experience really helped him prepare.

Our exchange student has now decided to try out for a sport. Her experience is limited, but her enthusiasm and determination to do well, impressive. As a host parent, I want to encourage her, yet, don’t want her to be too disappointed should she not make the team. It’s a tough balancing act in my experience. My oldest knew two days into his basketball tryouts he likely wouldn’t make the team. I strongly encouraged him to keep with the tryouts (don’t regret not seeing something through — hood or bad), and he was released from moving forward in the tryout process the following day. I’ve reflected on this numerous times wondering if I did the right (or wrong) thing by pushing him to continue. My thinking was, he would regret his decision if he stopped early and didn’t see the tryouts through.

I’ve decided this time with our exchange student, I’m just going to be supportive and if she chooses to stop the tryout process, help her work through any negative feelings she experiences. It may dampen her otherwise positive experience here in America, but I’m sure she’ll take something positive from the situation regardless of the outcome.

Tryouts are hard. Of course you want to see your child succeed, but how do you handle it when they get cut, or it looks like they won’t make the team? How do you help them put the disappointment into perspective and use the situation to help them do something different in the future (prepare more, focus on other interests, etc.)?

Feedback is Hard

Posted on by

0

How do you get feedback?

Feedback can be hard to give and get. My youngest tried out for the school Spring musical in early December. He thought he did well, or better than years past, and thought he had a good chance of getting a speaking role. The cast list came out the Friday afternoon before winter break. The teachers were clear, no one comes to them once the list is posted with questions, the student can schedule time during feedback sessions that will happen once school is back in session.

The list came out. My son was anxious — nerves and excitement. Unfortunately, he didn’t get a speaking part. He was cast in the ensemble. He was devastated. He broke down and talked about his disappointment—the work and practice he’d put in, how much he’d wanted a speaking part, and how bad it hurt. As a parent, it was hard to witness, but I tried to give him space to experience his emotions and reassure him he’d be okay. I did encourage him to take the teachers up on their offer to provide feedback. He didn’t want to even think about it, at first. The hurt was too fresh and hearing any criticism, even constructive, would be too tough.

I encouraged him to get time with the teachers again over break, for no other reason than to know clearly why he didn’t get a speaking role. Was it skill? Meaning he didn’t sing or dance well enough? Or was his acting not a match? Or something else? If he knew he’d know what he needed to work on vs. guessing and not giving himself the best chance in future auditions. I told him getting constructive criticism is a gift — the intent is to help you get (or be) better. My son listened, but still wasn’t convinced. It helped that his grandfather also encouraged him to get feedback and the value in hearing it even if it’s hard. My son now had to decide for himself.

When school resumed I asked my son what he was going to do. “I already signed up to get feedback,” he said, “I’m worried they’ll tell me I’m not good at something, but hoping they’ll just say it wasn’t my year.” The musical the school will be performing does have a small cast. I was glad he was going to get the feedback even though it wasn’t easy.

After getting the feedback, he came home and shared what they told him, it was a mix of some things he could do to improve on (work on parts of his stage presence), and with so few roles, he just was a little short of getting a speaking part. He was at peace with the feedback and I was really proud of him for doing it.

Getting feedback is hard. What’s the most helpful feedback you’ve ever gotten? How are you helping your child be more open to receiving feedback?

I’ll be off again next week for the long weekend and back later this month.

Your Attention, Please

Posted on by

0

When was the last time you felt ignored?

With the school year coming to a close there is much going on. Our oldest is graduating and preparing for what comes beyond, our youngest in the school play and planning out how he’d like to spend his time over summer break.

My youngest got upset with me when I told him one evening we’d need him to walk to school the following morning (something he does often, but his preference is to get a ride). With his father, I, and his brother working, and only 2 cars, we are often coordinating on who has which car when. The next afternoon I saw my son and asked how his day was. He pretended to ignore me. I asked again. He continued to ignore me. “Are you ignoring me?”, I asked. I small momentary smile crept into his lips, then the straight face returned. “Why are you ignoring me?,” I asked. He stood up and went into his room. The only thing I could think of was me having him walk to school. He could be upset about that if he needed to be.

I didn’t get much out of him that day which was odd, because he’s more of a talker than his older brother. The next day I was ignored again, asking the same questions and not sure why he was doing it. Was this really over him having to walk to school? I went into his bedroom and he continued to try to ignore until I started trying to tickle his feet (laughter, in my opinion, can sometimes break the mood and get the kids to open up. Jokes, in these situations don’t work, tickling does). He started laughing and squirming his feet away for me. “Mom!” followed by laughter, “Mom, stop!” I stopped. “Then tell me why you’re ignoring me,” I said. He went quiet, but was smiling and walked out of the room towards where our family computer is. “Just tell me what’s going on,” I asked.

He sat down at the computer and when he saw me not leaving he paused and said, “well, if I’m going to be honest, it feels like you’ve been ignoring me lately.” This stunned me. I couldn’t think of where this was coming from but needed to hear him out. “What makes you say that?,” I said. “Well, I know you’re really busy but it doesn’t feel like you’ve been listening to me, or you’re bored when I’m talking to you.” Again, I racked my brain trying to think of when I may have done this. I attempted to briefly defend myself. “What are you talking about? I was the front-of-house stage parent for the show two times last week, I’ve taken you to your appointments…” I stopped. Yes, I did these things, but he said he felt ignored. “Can you give me some examples of when I ignored you?,” I asked hoping he could. “I don’t know, we just haven’t been talking as much and it feels like (older brother) is getting more attention.” I was still perplexed, but acknowledged his feelings, apologized, and empowered him to call me out when he felt I wasn’t paying attention to him.

I discussed it later with my husband. “Do you think this is jealousy?” I asked. My husband thought it might be that we’ve been giving our oldest more positive affirmation in front of his brother, not to make anyone feel better or worse, but it was when the opportunity presented itself. Our oldest for several years kept conversation to a minimum at the dinner table and left as soon as he could. This has changed since he started his senior year (maybe realizing this family time is drawing to a close) and he has been more talkative and engaging at dinner, not always wanting to leave at the first given chance. Hence we’ve had more discussions with and about things going on with him (and including listening to, guiding, challenging him (to think, reflect), and positive affirmation).

It was a good conversation to have with my youngest and my husband. I still believe I am giving my youngest as much attention as I always have, but realize there is more focus and celebration on my oldest with his upcoming graduation. Now that I’m aware based on my youngest being willing to share (I’m often in awe of his emotional intelligence and his ability to communicate his feelings) I know I need to pay better attention to him, and really every member of our family.

Has your child ever ignored you? How did you handle it?

New Year – New Day

Posted on by

0

Any New Year’s resolutions?

Not here. Resolution by definition is deciding to do or not do something. I resolved not to make any resolutions when it seemed to cause me more stress than hope for positive change.

I’ve never encouraged my sons to make resolutions either. When my sons were young, we talked about how a new day brings an opportunity to start over — whether that’s in school, at home, in extra curricular activities, with others, etc. Knowing each day is a reset seems to soothe tough situations — getting upset, getting in trouble, struggling with anything (school work, assembling or taking apart a toy, trying something new or hard, etc.). Trying to do better, be better — whether that’s learning something new; being kind(er), or empathetic towards others; having patience; allowing yourself to feel your feelings; working through feelings; and the list goes on — is a daily goal I think we all should have.

As much as I’d like to think I know, I’m aware there is always more to learn. I work on this daily, whether it’s with coworkers, the boys I’m raising, my spouse, friends I engage with, and anyone else I interact with. I think ‘what went well’ (e.g., keep it up), ‘where was there a misstep or area I can I improve?’ (E.g., how can I improve in a future situation – listen more? Be more patient? Feel my feelings?, and work through them before responding?, etc.). It’s helpful for me, and a constant. I don’t stress about it because my goal is always the same — allow myself to notice how I ‘show up to others’, so I can not only be better but show up in life like I want to. I trying to arm my kids with this tool as well.

What do you resolve to do this new day or New Year?

Head and Heart

Posted on by

0

How does your child show others who they are?

My family and I were fortune to see Peggy Orenstein talk about her book Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity. My husband and I decided to have our sons attend with us. While the idea of having to hear about sex, intimacy, and porn with my kids made me uncomfortable, my husband and I knew if these topics were ‘out in the open’ we could talk more openly with our kids about what they are seeing, hearing, and thinking.

My kids shared my discomfort. “Mom, do we have to go?,” they asked. There was no getting out of it. If I as going to power through my discomfort so we’re they. We were going to this talk as a family. I did suggest a compromise, “I know you’re uncomfortable being with mom and dad at this event. If you want to sit away from us, that’s okay.” That seemed to make us all feel a little better.

One of the most powerful revelations I had during Peggy’s talk was when she shared what her work uncovered — that girls are taught to disconnect from their bodies (who you are is one thing, your body or outward appearance another), and boys are taught to disconnect from their heart (have feelings, empathy, etc., but not be able to show them). I thought about how I’ve seen my oldest son struggle with this. It’s like the empathetic kid I’ve known has been working hard to stuff his feelings and empathy way down–with it rarely surfacing as he ages. My husband and I have talked to him about toxic masculinity and encouraged him not to buy into it (or fall into its trap), but Peggy shared insights that helped outline just how hard that is. Our kids are up against what the see on TV, the internet, etc., and risk isolating themselves when they break from the “norm” — stand up for others, or freely express how they feel.

The talk has helped us start a more useful dialogue as a family around what our boys are up against. My husband and my’s goal is to teach them to keep their head and heart connected. It won’t be easy, but us being willing to be uncomfortable together has been for us a great place to start.

How are you helping your child be true to who they are?

Confession of a Mom who Meddled

Posted on by

0

Have you ever meddled in your child’s life?

The definition of meddling per the Cambridge dictionary: the act of trying to change or have an influence on things that are not your responsibility.

Tried to help them build friendships? Talked to the coach about your child playing in the game or in a better position, or asking a teacher about how you can help your child get a better grade on an assignment?

While our hearts my be in the right place (trying to help our child), they often have unwanted consequences.

I am, and have always been, mindful of the downside to meddling and worked to minimize any interference unless I’ve believed it to be absolutely necessary (and it is almost never is). I thought I was doing a pretty good job of ‘staying out’ of my kids lives–letting them make decisions, mistakes included, and learning from them. My eyes were opened to my unknowing meddling when my youngest son’s girlfriend was at our house with her mother.

My son and this girl’s relationship has been purely innocent–more about two people liking each other than what one would deem a mature relationship that includes strong communication, time together and intimacy. Their relationship is appropriate for their age. Relationship is italicized because my son and this girl rarely see each other (maybe a half dozen times a year), exchange gifts at the holidays, and that’s about it. Her mother and I have been the ones really keeping the relationship going. She’s invited us over for parties and movie nights, I’ve promoted my son to buy the girl gifts, give her cards on Valentine’s Day, etc. If we had let the relationship grow on its own (left it to the kids) it would have likely fizzled out a long time ago. They have gone to separate schools for years.

The girl and her mom were at our house (my son was out with his dad and brother and were on their way home) and while we were waiting I relayed an insight my son had shared about how glad he was that he, and this girl had a healthy relationship (they had learned in my son’s school about healthy vs. toxic relationships). I thought it was cute, but as I shared this piece of information, the girl shrank (like she wanted to disappear). I could tell the use of the word relationship made her uncomfortable. Maybe too big? Had to much weight and responsibility attached to it? I quickly changed the subject, but couldn’t shake the feeling I’d really screwed up.

Of course, I’m not in control of anyone’s feelings, and of course, as people grow, feelings can change. I felt my actions were accelerating a breakup, that wouldn’t have happened if I just kept my mouth closed. My sharing was potentially going to hurt my son. I was devastated.

Sure enough my fears were confirmed a few days later, when her parents, and my husband and I went out. The mother shared that her daughter cared for my son, but no longer wanted a relationship. I felt like I’d been punched and slapped at the same time. Not for what the mother said, but for my fears being realized. My husband was wonderful trying to remind me that this was a long time coming, but I couldn’t forgive myself. I sat my son down and we talked about the situation. I admitted my fault. He was crushed, but let me console him, which I was grateful for. We talked about it over the next few days. He had a present to give her for the holidays and we role-played various scenarios so he would be prepared for what might happen. Thankfully it was pretty non-eventful. They exchanged gifts (my son hit the ball-out-of-the-park with what he gave her). As parents, we offered them space to talk but nerves got the better of them, and nothing was said.

Maybe it’s better this way? I don’t know. My son knows his girlfriend now just wants to be friends, and he is okay with this. I committed to him that I would not meddle in the future (and keep my mouth shut). He forgave me, which was a blessing, and asked if he could still come to me for advice. He helped mend my heart when he asked me that.

Have you meddled? How did you gain your child’s trust back?

Imaginary Audience

Posted on by

0

Has your child said something that made you pause?

My youngest son participates in a theater group that is made up of kids with challenges: whether it’s being on the autism spectrum or someone with developmental limitations. It is wonderful to see the kids be in a safe space where they are more alike than different and no judging is going on.

A new member joined the group this season and is more vocal than most of the kids. While waiting for my son in the lobby I heard this young person start to say, “they are making fun of me. Everyone makes fun of me.” The teacher quickly intervened and clarified to the student that the others were laughing at what had happened in the scene not at him. I heard him one or two more times make similar comments. Each time the teacher worked to help him understand what was really going on differently.

I asked my son about it on the ride home. “I heard someone saying they were being made fun of. What was that about?” I asked. “He kept saying that, but no one was making fun of him,” my son said then continued, “I think he had an imaginary audience.” That gave me pause. “What do you mean by imaginary audience?” I asked. “He’s hearing things that aren’t there,” my son said. “From people that aren’t there?” I asked. “No, the imaginary audience is in his head,” he said. The conversation got me thinking. “We all have that voice in our head that tells us things — what to eat, comments about how you look and or should feel. Do you know what I’m taking about?” I asked. “Yea” my son said, “we all have those voices.” I was pretty impressed my son had this awareness. I know I didn’t at his age. “It makes me sad if that kid hears only negative things even if they aren’t happening. That would be a terrible way to live.” I said. “Yes,” my son agreed. “What if instead of letting that inner voice or ‘imaginary audience’ be negative, we only allowed it to be positive? That would be pretty amazing!” I said. “Yea, it would say things like ‘you’re amazing. You’re going to be great.” laughed my son. We came up with other positive and somewhat silly sayings for our inner voice. After we were done and I had a moment to reflect, I asked my son where he came up with the phrase imaginary audience. “The internet, Mom.” he said. Well, duh, I thought, of course he heard that on the internet. Maybe the internet isn’t the encapsulation of all that is bad after all. 😊

What insights has your child shared that gave you pause?

It Takes a Village

Posted on by

0

Who is helping you raise your child?

There are many people that are helping my husband and I raise our kids–family, friends, babysitters, caregivers, teachers, doctors–I refer to this folks as part of our village. Each member plays a critical role in the care, nurturing, mentoring, tending to, and shaping of my boys.

My youngest son’s recent distress required we revisit resources available to him. My son’s village will likely have some new members in the near future. 😊 We’re also now having to rethink environments in which will help him thrive academically and emotionally in the future. The previous known path now isn’t so clear. This lack of clarity is causing me discomfort I haven’t felt this intensely in a while. I’m concerned about doing right by my son and making the right decisions for what’s best for him. It does give me comfort to know I have a village I can turn to for guidance, information, encouragement and support.

How is part of your child’s village?

Stumped

Posted on by

2

Have you ever struggled to help your child?

My youngest son shared that he had a bad day, and when I probed to figure out why it was bad, it made the situation worse. Instead of getting to the bottom of what made his day bad, he decided that his day wasn’t just bad, but everything was bad, and that he just couldn’t explain all his feelings. I could see my inquiries weren’t having the intended effect.

I attempted again to find out what was behind his feelings. He just got more upset, and after we talked in circles — me inquiring, him unable to explain — he said,”Mom, can we just stop? I’m all talked out.” I sighed, partly relieved since I wasn’t making progress and getting frustrated myself, and partly bummed because I pride myself on helping my kids work through their feelings. I was stumped. “Well, let me know if you want to talk again. I want to help if I can,” I said and that was the end of it.

My son never asked to revisit the topic, he wasn’t as upset as he’d previously been, so maybe whatever was bothering him passed. Or maybe talking helped (even if it was just s little that would make me feel better). My son knows I’m there and want to help, which I feel good about, but boy did I feel pretty helpless (and somewhat worthless) when I couldn’t help him.

It’s frustrating when you don’t have all the answers, or know how to help your child. After thinking about what had happened, I realized that instead of trying to solve the problem, it might be even more valuable to my son if I just listen and acknowledge his feelings, and in the moment, that might be enough. When I don’t have the answers I hope it is.

Have you ever been stumped with your child? How did you handle the situation? And what did you take from it?