Tag Archives: Encouragement

Time to Fly

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What time(s) have been hard for you to let your kid go? For me, those times included:

• First day of daycare — leaving him in someone else’s care

• First time with a babysitter

• First day of school (kindergarten, elementary school, middle and high school)

• First time spending the night away from home

• First time traveling by himself

• First time driving by himself

And now, the biggest shift, is my son living away from home for the first time. My oldest isn’t far, but we’ve encouraged him to treat this opportunity to live on his own as a growing experience — him understanding what he’s capable of, him learning more about himself and how he wants to show up in the world, and gaining confidence around his growing independence — and that means, living away from us, problem solving on his own, and working through any discomfort he is experiencing (new place and people).

The moments leading up to him being officially moved out were peppered with excitement for him and worry, and second guessing for me (he’s going to be okay? We’ve prepared him for this, right?). How has 18 years gone so quickly? The years race through my mind every time I think about it.

We were fortunate to be given a booklet to help my husband, I and our son adjust to the change, as we move from “parenting” to coach, and supporter. The booklet had us discuss values (my son and my husband and mine), with the goal of giving all of us clarity on what our son’s values are and how, by knowing this, we can better support him. It also had us talk through expectations and ensure we’d discussed everything from what we expected (or didn’t) of him from his behavior, accomplishments, drugs, alcohol, and sex. I so wish my parents had had this information at their fingertips when I first was on my own.

My hope is that we’ve provided (or are providing) our boys roots with wings. During a final hug at the train station, I told my son, “you’ve got this.” It was important for him to know we believe in him. He knows he can do it too, but like anytime you make a sizable change you can feel a little unsteady. Allowing yourself to adjust to the change is often the toughest (and should I say ‘scariest’) part.

I have to adjust now too, to allowing my oldest to fly, make his own choices and mistakes, and not jump in to problem solve for or ‘save’ him. This moment is bittersweet. If I did my job as a parent he’ll figure out how to soar. I have to mourn the end of this part of our parenting journey, and adjust to what comes next.

What parenting phase are you in? How do you adjust to new phases as they arise?

Brothers in Need

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Do you always get along with your sibling(s)?

My oldest often thinks his younger brother is super annoying. I remember my sister feeling the same way about me when we were in high school. It isn’t often you see my oldest interacting with his brother outside of meal time or out in front of the TV. They have different interests, friend groups, activities, etc.

We went hiking over the long weekend. We were nearing the last steep climb when my youngest, who was trailing us all, yelled “stop! I need help.” We turned to find him off to the side of the trail in pain. He’d lost his footing, his ankle rolled and he heard a pop sound. 😬 We were at least a mile away from getting to flat ground and where he could be helped. It was one of those moments where you think how are we going to get through this? We had him rest on the side of a hill, while we dug through our packs to see what we had (of course, we’d ran out of ace bandages and hadn’t replenished the pack, and started to think in terms of building a splint out of sticks). Before we proceeded we asked our son if he could move his foot – it hurt, but he could. We asked if he could put weight on it – it hurt, but he could. We asked if he could walk – it hurt, but if we went slowly, he could.

His father and I attempted to have him walk and lean on us, but both of us are shorter than both of our sons by 4 to 5 inches. Our oldest is about the same height as his brother and works our regularly, so being able to support his brother was a better fit, but would he do it?

Once he saw the pain his brother was in, he agreed to help without any opposition. He had his brother put his arm across his back and told him to take weight off his injured foot. He encouraged his brother, “it’s going to be okay. Make sure you watch where you’re putting your feet. You can put more of your weight on me, I can take it.” It was a wonderful moment to witness. It took considerably longer for us to finish our hike, but we were able to get our son out without issue.

We talked afterwards about what we’d remember most from this trip. The fun we’d had together, or our son hurting his ankle? While his ankle still hurts, I’m guessing his older brother showing his love for him might be what he (and his father and I) remember most from this trip.

When have you experienced (or witnessed) sibling love?

Dear Old Dad

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How are you celebrating Father’s Day today?

Every year on Father’s Day, we think about our dads. Favorite memories come up. For me it’s celebrations after swim meets, running road races together as a child and teen, seeing him cheer me on regardless of the situation, helping me with math or a science project, watching sports together, or having him acknowledge me and what I have to offer the world. I am fortunate, my dad was and is present and takes his role seriously.

Dad’s are important. I can’t imagine who I would be or what I would be doing professionally if he weren’t there guiding me through life. So for all the dad’s out there I say, “Thank you!” Your daughter(s) and son(s) are paying attention and grateful for you — your guidance, your presence and your love.

How will you celebrate your father today? What gifts, as a parent, are you giving your child as their father?

Happy Fathers Day!

That’s What Friends Are For

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What makes a good friend?

This question has gotten a lot more attention from me as I’ve navigated the struggles my son on the autism spectrum has with making friends. What does make a good friend? Someone who is kind in the moment? Someone who wants to engage with you in a kind and supportive way? There are varying levels of friendship. I think of the friends who have come in and out of my life. I was reminded what a good friend looks like when a woman I have known for years and who I have shared just about everything with asked me timidly, “When was your son diagnosed?” She asked it in a whispered voice, and did a quick glance to ensure no one around had heard the question. While I was reluctant to talk about my son being on the spectrum when I first found out, I have come a long way — I’m happy to talk about it openly, but I remember that feeling of being unsure and uncomfortable, I was picking up on the way she was asking that she was uncomfortable. I responded, “When he was around five,” I paused and lowered my voice, “What’s going on?” She leaned in and said, “I haven’t really talked about this, but my son has spoken a word yet, and he’s two and a half, and we’re not sure why.” I could almost feel her concern. As a parent, when your child seems to have any affliction — whether it is a disease that is tough to treat, or a condition that makes them different than others — it can feel like you are at a crossroads — the childhood you imagined you and your child having will likely not be how you envisioned it to be, and that can be scary. We decided to find a time we could talk more openly. I wanted her to feel comfortable sharing and asking whatever questions she had.

Prior to us meeting, I thought about how I could best show up for her for this conversation. The truth is we don’t know if her son is on the spectrum, he hasn’t been tested and officially diagnosed, but he does exhibit behaviors similar to my son. I could easily jump to conclusions and give her all the information I’ve gained since my son’s diagnosis, but figured that really wasn’t what she needed. She needed to know that everything was going to be okay. Yes, her parental journey would be altered, but it didn’t mean it couldn’t be joyous, it was just going to be different. She asked me to share my story. I shared and then asked her what she was most concerned about. She was very concerned they hadn’t figured out what was behind her son not talking despite seeing doctors and specialists and enlisting the help of therapists and others. The next step was doing a battery of tests to get her son properly diagnosed. “I’m concerned because I need to figure this out before he turns three,” she shared. “What is special about him turning three?” I asked, thinking about how we hadn’t really enlisted help for our son until five. “That’s when it says you have the best chance of early intervention, but we don’t know what he has.” She admitted to spending too much time on the internet and going into various rabbit holes of information that all seemed to lead to a future life of doom and gloom for her son and her family. As she spoke, I was reminded of my intention coming into this meeting, what would a good friend say? I borrowed a phrase we use with our older son, who is always jumping ahead in his life and concerned about his future. I was seeing the same thing in my friend.

“How long have you been a parent?” I asked. “Well, two years” she said, clearly taken aback by the question. “And how are you supposed to know everything, and have it all figured out in two years?” I said. “Well, I guess, you’re right, there’s no way you can figure it all out in two years.” I finished, “Think of your journey like a video game, each year of your child’s life is a level. Right now, you’re on level 2, stay there, don’t try to be on level 5 or 12 or 35. You’re on 2, you’re going to continue to learn and get smarter. You are going to figure this out.” She smiled. Her shoulders relaxed. “You’re right,” she said. “Thanks.” I did end up giving her a few resources that she could reach out to who could give her some sound advice — these resources had been a Godsend to me. As I left our meeting, I thought, I wish I had had a friend or support like this when my son was first diagnosed. There was support available, but I was just too scared to reach out, and I didn’t have any friends talking. I was glad my friend was brave enough to ask. I was glad I could be that support and encouragement. After all, that’s what friends are for.

Are you struggling with raising your child? What does a good friend do to help support you as a parent?

Easter Egg Hunt

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My kids have really been looking forward to Easter. While I’d love to say its for the religious significance, its really all about the candy for them. They are looking forward to finding their baskets in the morning and doing an Easter Egg hunt later in the day. Easter to them is a day of seeking and finding big and little treasures.

I’m reminded of an Easter when I was a young child. We were in Florida visiting family and there was an Easter Egg hunt out in a large field. We were told there was one giant egg hidden. We figured this giant egg must be made of chocolate and not a hard boiled one, and all of the kids wanted to find it! I was armed with my Easter basket and ready to go. The countdown began–five–four-three-two-one—GO! I raced alongside my cousins, sisters and friends across the field.

I found lots of eggs, but few ended up in my basket. My problem while I was great at visually finding them, I wasn’t very fast at picking them up, and the eggs kept getting scooped out from underneath me . I think one of my sisters may have just followed me around to get her bounty! I was good at seeking. She was good at securing! I was very frustrated.

I honestly can’t recall if I got any of those decorated hardboiled eggs. I was so disappointed and thought my empty Easter basket was a reflection on what a poor treasure hunter I was. Easter was supposed to be fun, an easy way to get candy, an easy day to feel good about plants blooming, the weather warming and life being good. But I didn’t feel good.  Embarrassed by my results I sulked over to where some of my older cousins were watching us. I’ll never forget the look on their faces. It wasn’t joy in my failure. It wasn’t a smirk or look of shared disappointment. It was empathy. They were looking at me when one said, “Tricia, you’re getting warmer.” I thought getting warmer? what are they talking about? After a few seconds, I understood. They were talking about the Giant Egg!  I walked a few steps forward. “You’re getting warmer,” they said again. I moved forward again, “colder,” I readjusted and went to the right, “warmer,” one more step, “hot!” I lifted a palmetto branch and lo and behold there was the giant egg!  Success, joy and overall happiness came pouring back in.

My cousins never let on that they helped me find the giant egg. Most people at the hunt hadn’t seen what happened. I was asked afterwards, “how did you know it was there?” and “what made you think to look under that palmetto bush, there are so many of them out here?” I just smiled and looked over, ever so subtly at my older cousins. They had my back. They felt for me and wanted me to have success. They encouraged me. But maybe what was most significant about their act was that they loved me. It was a simple gesture, but very powerful. I felt like the richest person there.

What treasures are you seeking this Easter? What treasures are you hoping your children will find?