Tag Archives: Confidence

Love is in the Air

Posted on by

0

How was your Valentine’s Day?

Around the dinner table we noted Valentine’s Day was coming up. We asked our exchange student if this was a day celebrated in Spain. She said it wasn’t, but she was intrigued by the notion. We talked about how a lot of holidays in America are commercialized and sometimes feel forced vs. enjoyable. She sighed as she noted she didn’t have a boyfriend (though I suspect she easily could if she wanted).

She asked how many Valentines I’d had over the years. “Not many,” I replied. Thankfully being married to my husband took my stress over being untethered off my “things to worry about (for no good reason)” off the board many years ago. It’s terrible (IMO) how much weight we put on this holiday and how much anxiety, or disappointment it can bring. It should be fun, but it can too often feel like pressure. And it can kill confidence in some of the most confident people I know (my younger self included).

She and her friends decided to celebrate the day together, sharing homemade treats, watching movies, and having fun. Love takes many forms, but having fun with people you truly enjoy being around and care about (perhaps love, though not romantically) is better than just about anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I love flowers. But shared experiences, where you laugh and make fond memories are pretty special.

How does your child feel about Valentine’s Day?

I will be off next week enjoying sometime off with the family and will be back in March.

Fun by the Campfire

Posted on by

0

What’s something fun you’ve done this Fall?

Where I live, this time of year is iffy weather wise. It can be cool enough for a fire outdoors, but wet and rainy, or dry and too cold regardless how big the fire is. We’ve been fortunate enough to have some cool and dry weather nights where the temperature is ‘just right’, and done impromptu fires — for ourselves and inviting friends that live nearby to drop over, if they can.

On our most recent night outside, my youngest and our exchange student did some bonding. He shared that he was feeling down over several back-to-back disappointments he’d experienced during the week, and our student offered him advice and to be someone he could talk to (it was so great seeing). Our exchange student loved the fire and is interested in roasting marshmallows in the future like they’ve seen in American movies (we can help them with that. 🥰). My favorite part was when our student encouraged my son to sing his audition song (that he plans to use for Spring Musical tryouts in a few weeks) for us. My youngest paused, but then found the song and sang it. You could hear his nerves as he sang — we were outside, with neighbors in hearing distance — but he did well and we told him so. Then I encouraged our student to do the same. She sang her song (with similar nerves), but I was so impressed of her willingness to do this in front of us while only knowing us a short time. I think she’s pretty fearless (I’ve told her as much).

There was singing, giggling, sharing stories, and just a general ‘nice’ feeling about it all. The fire died down, we all were content to go inside for the night. Oh, how I hope we have a few more of these types of evenings.

What is something outdoors you and your family like to do as the seasons change?

Growing, Growing, Gone

Posted on by

0

How prepared is your child to go off on their own?

Our youngest decided to go to an overnight camp on the other side of the country. Worrisome enough for any parent, but throw in the fact that he’s 16, going on his own, and wanted to explore the transit in a large urban area he hadn’t explored (as much as he wanted) before made my nerves go through the roof. Not because my son isn’t capable — he navigated the tube in London flawlessly without ever consulting a map, but because he was going to be doing this on his own. What if he ran into a problem? Or people who were looking to take advantage of a younger person? It helps that my son is tall and people often think he is older than he is, but that can go both ways (good/bad) too. He showed us his itinerary and what he planned to do on his day in the city before the camp came and picked him up.

My husband and I spent time prepping my son. Bringing up scenarios and asking how he would handle or what he would do if he got into a situation where he needed help. It was a moment where we had to let him g(r)o(w) regardless how hard it was for us.

Because my son was going to the other coast there was a time difference and he would already be well on his journey before we woke up. He kept us posted on his stays, checking his luggage, paying train tickets, what routes he was on, etc. via text. I was calm but nervous. I looked forward to him being with the camp folks knowing he was safe.

The day went on, he was fine, and the camp got him safely mid-afternoon. I was relieved, and so proud of my son being able to do what he did. That night when we talked he shared how kind people had been, and how fortunate he’d been to make (train) connections and do all that he did. “We’re proud of you, you know?,” I said as we talked that evening, “but you should be even more proud of what you did yourself. You now know you can do this, and if traveling is something you want to do more of, you took a big step towards doing that.” He smiled and shared that he was proud of himself.

Gaining independence and confidence as you grow helps lessen the scariness of leaving the nest. Even though this mother bird still wants to protect her kids, I know I have to let them g(r)o(w).

How are you helping your child grow confidence in their abilities and independence?

Happy 4th. I’ll be away enjoying time with family and back later in July.

Who Are You?

Posted on by

0

Have you ever wondered what your child is thinking? How they see themselves? How they think others see them?

My youngest is willing to engage without much effort and comfortable sharing who he is with his father and I, and others. My oldest is more of a closed book—engaging infrequently and sharing bits and pieces that make it hard(er) to figure the complete picture out.

My oldest engages as he’s ready, late at night when my husband is getting ready for bed, in the car when I pick him up from practice, or what my husband and I feel are “out-of-the-blue” moments. My son recently asking his father if he wanted to go for a run with him. My husband had to suppress his excitement—and surprise at my son’s request (it’s that meaningful to us when he opens up to us and shares, well, anything).

His football team has had a good year and are now in the playoffs. He helps manage the team and does film review with the coaches. He seems more comfortable than I’ve seen him in a while. Before the most recent game, the officials were down on the field before the game started. My son, who also referees flag football games, seemed to know at least one of the officials through his other job. They shook hands, talked, laughed, and then the other officials came over. I saw my son talk easily and shake hands with the others. It was impressive to watch. If you didn’t know better, you would have thought my son was in a higher leadership position, such as the head coach. The moment gave me pause. “Who is this kid?” The confident young man on the field looked like my son, but wasn’t acting like the kid I know. I wondered what else I didn’t/don’t know about him.

As a parent, I long to know my children deeply. I want to know who they are, what motivates them, makes them happy, and what will help them thrive. I also want to know their father and I are doing right by them, and helping prepare them to navigate life so it’s meaningful and joyful, and ensure they have the tools to navigate tough times and situations and know they’ll make it through and be okay. Yet, I’m in the stands of the game wondering who my son is, how I can know him better, and make sure I’ve done my job.

I’m not sure if we ever truly know this as parents, which will have me always working towards knowing my children better.

How do you see your child? How have they shared who they are (or are becoming) with you?

Growth Spurt

Posted on by

0

My youngest is trying out for a part in a school play. He went through tryouts early his freshman year, and his experience was much different. His freshman year, everything was new—people, process, and place (he was still figuring out where things were in the school building). It was overwhelming and made him flustered. He overcame being upset when he struggled with the audition process with the help of patient teachers and time to calm himself down. We talked with him about what he’d learned after he had settled down and the audition was behind him, and what he’d do differently in future new situations.

Fast forward to this school year. Tryouts again, but nothing new, with the exception of a few new faces (younger or new students). He was confident, and excited. A dramatic (pun intended 😁) improvement from his freshman year. We talked about what was different, how he’d grown since his freshman experience, and how he’d survived—maybe a strong word, but it helped him understand he could weather new (tough, uncomfortable, unfamiliar, etc.) situations, He had grown based on his initial experience. It was a steep learning curve for him, but a needed one.

As he shared more details on how the tryouts went with his father and I we talked about this, and how when you’re young and go through steep learning curves it can feel overwhelming and scary, but they often level out, and you work towards the next big learning experience but normally have time to build up that next it (getting a job, going to college or trade school, living on your own, etc.). You could see him realize he had it in his to rise to whatever that next challenge may be, and that he had time to grow to it.

What growth spurt is (or has) your kid going through?

Public Speaking

Posted on by

0

How comfortable are you speaking in front of others?

My youngest had an opportunity to return to his former middle school to share his experience and how prepared he was for high school. He was eager to go in hopes he’d see some former faculty or classmates. The community event for the school was moms (no students past or present), and no former faculty and administration. It was a bit of a bummer, but he loves the school so much he easily adjusted talking to new teachers about his experience.

The event had us sit down in a circle and the head of school asked us to give our feedback on why we’d picked the middle school, the best thing about the middle school, and how well my son was prepared for high school. I provided my input, but turned the floor over to my son since I knew the parents would like to hear from him directly. He did a great job sharing his thoughts, and needed little prompting to answer questions and provide insights. He went from looking down at first when he responded, to making eye contact, to joking with the crowd towards the end. It was like watching a flower bloom. I couldn’t help but smile.

On the way home my son and I discussed how things went. We both reflected on how some of the questions asked helped us see even more benefits of him going to the school than we’d previously realized. He was proud of his ability to talk in front of so many strangers and attributed his comfort with the confidence the school gave him regarding who he is (e.g., you’re great just the way you are). I was so happy for him that he recognizes the gifts the school has given him, how he’s been able to use them to excel in high school, and be confident in who he is enough to do public speaking at such a young age. It makes me wonder what else he can do that even he doesn’t know yet. 😊 I can’t wait to find out.

What gives your child confidence?

Transitioning

Posted on by

0

Parenthood is all about dealing with transitions, right?

The transitions came fast and furious when my sons were babies. The transitions slowed and felt more manageable as they aged, but there is always that period of time, at least for me, at the beginning of a new phase of their life, that I am uncomfortable because I’m learning how to adjust to the newness as well.

After several challenging moments with my oldest, I started googling for books on ‘my son hates me’. I’ve always been okay with my kids being unhappy with me especially in times where I’m trying to impart a lesson, or teach a moral or value, but lately with my oldest it seems I can do nothing right, it’s embarrassing that I exist, and I’m clearly the most annoying person in the world. It’s the plight of many teenage parents, I know. 😬 I stumbled upon the book “He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe In Himself,” by Adam Price. The reviews were high so I gave it a shot. What was I missing in my interactions and communications with my son?

I read the book while our family was together for a weekend away. The context of the book is focused on boys who’ve checked out of school, but I found you can easily apply what your son is ‘checking out of’ to almost anything. For my son, he’s fine in school (we’ve taken a pretty hands off approach) with the exception of having him show us progress/reports cards online periodically. We’ve been way more involved/vocal on his activities and have tried to motivate/prompt/threaten (lost privileges) for not being more proactive. In reading the book, I took away the following—I need to give my son more space, even in his activities. He still needs guidance/guardrails, but essentially he’s capable enough and needs to take more ownership. I need (along with my husband), to step back, give him room, and let him show us who he is. This is soooo hard. My son is capable and does need room to grow. He needs to build confidence in himself and his capabilities, but oh how I still want to be able to help him navigate things with ease, and remove obstacles where I can. I’m not helping him by helping him. The age-old trap us parents can fall into. I have to tell myself to zip it (when I want to give coaching or advice), and let him g(r)o(w). Soooo hard.

How are you helping your child grow their confidence? If you have a teen, how are you helping them transition into adulthood?

What Exactly Are We Teaching — Checkpoint

Posted on by

4

Do you have those moments when you question what you have (or are) teaching your child?

Our oldest is off on an extended camping trip. He prepared for the trip, ensuring he had his gear, and everything on his checklist. He would have his phone with him, but coverage would be sketchy being in rural terrain. While we knew he’d like his phone to listen to music or a podcast, we were surprised when he wanted to use it to call us.

I’ve shared before, our son will do much to distance himself from us these days — even when at home, so it was a surprise when we got a call the first night he was away. He was with a newer group of kids he didn’t know particularly well and was getting adjusted.

We were surprised when he called again the second and third night. The calls were short, he mainly would run through what he had done, and share how he was doing mentally and physically. Part of me loved him calling. Knowing he was okay, and staying connected. Another part was concerned. Wouldn’t my son grow more (in his confidence, capabilities) if he weren’t in contact with us and made it through the trip without communication? I talked to my husband about it. We agreed that while this was a test run for our son’s future independence, our son needed to know he would be just fine going throughout the trip without being in contact with us. So hard, but needed.

We weren’t sure how to broach the topic with him, but two things came into play — coverage was spotty and some days he didn’t have signal, and his battery (even with power sticks to give him extended use) finally gave out. He’d be forced to go without communication for the second half of the trip. Was I worried? Part of me, yes. Not hearing from him makes he wonder what he’s up to and how he’s doing. But a bigger part of me, the part of me that knows I need to arm him with the skills he needs to be on his own, wasn’t.

I look forward to him getting home with these new experiences and knowledge of his abilities. I’m also waiting for him to want to distance himself again from his father and I. It’s part of growing up. He’s reminding me that I have to stop, periodically, and check in and acknowledge (or challenge) what I’m teaching him. And be aware that time is short as he’ll be off on his own before I know it, and I want to make sure I’ve given him all the tools he’ll need to fly.

What capabilities are you most interested in giving your child? What prompts you to check-in regarding what your teaching your child?

Debate

Posted on by

0

It never feels good to lose an argument. Especially one you’ve been preparing for.

My youngest’s class was preparing for Oxford style debates on topics regarding social issues, equity, and diversity. His team’s topic was the federal minimum wage, and his team would be arguing in favor of it. We talked about the debate in advance. He shared some of his arguments and his team’s counterpoints for what the opposition would likely bring up. He was ready.

When he got home, following the debate, he was ecstatic. “Over 80% of the students and adults in attendance (made up of student family members) voted in our favor. The other group got only 15%.” He was pleased and thought his team had surely won.

Imaging his (and my) surprise when he came home a few days later and shared the teacher had given the win to the other team, noting how well researched their information was, and their argument strong. My son was sad, disappointed (his team had gotten 80% of the vote!), and a bit confused. “I don’t get it. Our argument was just as well researched and we had way more support.” I understood the emotions he was experiencing, but didn’t have enough information to give him a ‘counter argument’ to why the other team had ‘won’ or in what areas the other team exceeded. My son could see my wheels turning and attempted to address what he thought was coming, “no, Mom, I feel bad and there’s nothing you can do about it. I feel like a dummy for being so wrong.” Of course, this didn’t stop me. 😊

“First, we don’t know why your teacher awarded the other team the win. I get it’s disappointing, “ he stopped me to let me know it was okay for him to have and feel his feelings, and I agreed (though I was super proud of the self-awareness and emotional intelligence my son was exhibiting). I continued, “when do we learn the most?” He gave me one of those I-know-the-answer-Mom-and-you’re-so-annoying. “When we ‘lose’. We reflect on what happened, what we can do better. You really aren’t experiencing a loss here.” He was still upset and we agreed it best to just let him feel his feelings for the time being.

Later that same week, we had end-of-term conferences. My son’s school is still small enough they can do these things. During the discussion the teacher (whom had overseen the debate, and teaches my son in several topics) shared my son’s progress, where he was strong, and areas of focus. Then he brought up the debate. Not to explain why my son’s team lost, but to praise him for his compelling closing argument. He played us audio of the event. My son spoke with passion, and confidence. He engaged the audience (including the adults) in a show-of-hands question segment (how many of you had minimum wage jobs? How many of you had too much money from working those jobs? Etc)—it was impressive. My son was surprised the teacher had thought so highly of his performance and he couldn’t stop smiling. The debate he’d had internally with himself over ‘what he hadn’t done ‘right’, or better than his peers, lifted. He regained his confidence.

It’s amazing to me, even as an adult, the value we put into how others see us, and how we let it effect how we see ourselves. Too often, we don’t get that second set of feedback or information like my son got from his teacher. Imagine if we did. Wouldn’t that be something? Maybe a good question for a future debate.

How do you help your child when they are disappointed by a loss? How do you (or others such as their teachers or coaches) help them regain their confidence?

I’ll be off for Spring Break with the family and will be back later this month,

Reluctantly Independent

Posted on by

0

My oldest has his license and can drive where he needs to most of the time (as he shares my car). With this independence, my husband and I expected him to want to do more driving and be out on his own, and he has sort of.

My son normally spends much of his free time with his best friend, who lives a few miles away. They often go to local parks to workout, and hang out with other friends. He and his friend where planning to go to a baseball game they had gotten free tickets to. My son decided he no longer wanted to drive. He asked if I would drop him off at his friends. “What’s going on?,” I asked,”why don’t you just drive yourself over?” He seemed aggravated that I didn’t just agree to drive him. Shaking his head (oh, teens! 😊) he said, “well, I’m not sure where I’m going to park for the game, and I might get too close to something and get a ticket.” I could feel his discomfort but knew I needed him to drive himself to his destination, for no other reason than for him to gain more confidence in his abilities. I needed him to know for himself that he could do this ‘new’ thing (park somewhere new where the rules might be a little bit different) and regardless of the outcome he could figure it out. When my son saw I wouldn’t budge from my position, he looked at my husband who’d been standing nearby and my husband confirmed with a simple ”nope” that he wouldn’t drive him either. My son, clearly unhappy, went to his room.

My husband and I discussed what happened. Why was our son suddenly wanting us to drive him? What was behind this? We know he has a bit of an anxious undercurrent going, it rises to the surface when he tries new things. Learning how to drive is about the most scary new thing you can do, yet my son knows how to drive and the new situation was getting him to challenge his independence and some of the uncertainty (growing, making mistakes, learning) that come with the territory. We agreed we had to hold firm, and if our son wanted to go, he’d have to drive himself.

When it was time for my son to leave, he exited his room, grabbed the car key, and went out the door. No “I’m leaving,” he just went. I knew in his quiet exit he was trying to convey “fine, I’ll do it (or I’ll show you!), but I’m not going to like it.” It felt familiar to me, and thinking I had likely handled situations similar when I was his age with my parents. 😊 Of course, he went to the game, had a great time, and had no issue with parking. I was grateful. While reluctant, by simply driving to a game, my son was growing in his comfort with his independence.

How do you help your child gain the confidence they need to do something that is new(er) or they aren’t comfortable with? How are you helping them gain an appreciation for what they are capable of?