Tag Archives: Anxiety

Holiday Travel

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What could possibly go wrong?

I laugh when I think about previous holiday travel excursions we’ve made. When my kids were young, trying to visit the grandparents was well, trying to my husband and I, specifically our stress and anxiety. Did we remember to pack everything? How are we going to entertain the kids for so long? Where are the snacks? Etc. I can recall trying to steal moments of peace along the journey — I’ll get us Starbucks (at the airport!), getting to use the bathroom by myself (heaven!) — yet, we always made it through and the time with the grandparents was great.

The kids got older, more self-sufficient, but travel still brought out the stressed side of us — did the kids forget a toy, or DVD? And even older — did they remember their phones and earbuds? First world problems, right?

We decided to not travel around holidays as much. Travel, regardless of time of year, with others is stressful but around the holidays, the angst gets high. 😆

We’re staying put this year, with the exception of a brief car ride before the New Year. The thought actually relaxes me, and we can’t say that very often these days, can we?

How do you handle holiday travel? What gets you through?

Scare after Scare

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What scares you? What scares your child?

My kids are well past the ages of monsters under the bed or the house creaking during the night scaring them. What scares them is age appropriate — an upcoming test, if someone will return their interest or affection, and some is the same as mine — seeing what’s going on with our politics 😞

My youngest is typically happy-go-lucky. Not that he’s happy all the time, but mostly you’ll see him with a sunny disposition (particularly appreciated in the often overcast climate we live in). My son has taken a keen interest in politics in recent years, and we’ve had many discussions post-election on how to not get too overwhelmed with everything that will come. Easier said than done, right? We’ve tried to encourage picking our battles. It can be tough when so many people are hurting from unexpected job loss, financial struggles or insecurity, food prices going up, the economy unstable, healthcare bring impacted, the environment being jeopardized, immigrants fearing deportation, and on and on.

As a parent, I feel like my job is to try to rise above it (e.g., not let my emotions allow me to fully say everything I think and feel to my child and add to their worry or angst), but to listen, empathize, and remind them we’ll get through this. It’s tough when you, yourself, have no clue how you’re going to get thru it because you don’t know exactly when the madness will end and how bad it’ll get beforehand.

My youngest texted his father and I while he was at school to let us know he wasn’t having a good mental health day. He does not normally talk in these terms, so we knew something had to have happened to cause him to text us this. It turned out he’d heard that a law was going to be overturned by the Supreme Court which upset him. After my husband and I had an exchange with him. We all determined there was no case before the court and nothing to indicate the law would change. It was a relief, but still made me sad that my teen had anxiety because of those that seem more interested in power and money, than what’s best for all, and an internet algorithm putting the misleading news article at the top of my son’s feed.

I believe many of us parents are struggling during this time. We want to model good behavior, teach our kids what’s right and wrong, and hard to counter this when our leaders appear to be acting badly with little we can do.

I told my son, there will be moments where we’re going to need to make our voices heard, but reminded him he is not alone, we are here for him —whether he just needs an ear to listen and empathize or if we need to march in a protest or something else. That’s where I can help my son.

How do you support your child when they are anxious?

Love is in the Air

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How was your Valentine’s Day?

Around the dinner table we noted Valentine’s Day was coming up. We asked our exchange student if this was a day celebrated in Spain. She said it wasn’t, but she was intrigued by the notion. We talked about how a lot of holidays in America are commercialized and sometimes feel forced vs. enjoyable. She sighed as she noted she didn’t have a boyfriend (though I suspect she easily could if she wanted).

She asked how many Valentines I’d had over the years. “Not many,” I replied. Thankfully being married to my husband took my stress over being untethered off my “things to worry about (for no good reason)” off the board many years ago. It’s terrible (IMO) how much weight we put on this holiday and how much anxiety, or disappointment it can bring. It should be fun, but it can too often feel like pressure. And it can kill confidence in some of the most confident people I know (my younger self included).

She and her friends decided to celebrate the day together, sharing homemade treats, watching movies, and having fun. Love takes many forms, but having fun with people you truly enjoy being around and care about (perhaps love, though not romantically) is better than just about anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I love flowers. But shared experiences, where you laugh and make fond memories are pretty special.

How does your child feel about Valentine’s Day?

I will be off next week enjoying sometime off with the family and will be back in March.

Losing Control

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What do you want to have control over?

I might answer, “Everything?” The question mark is on purpose…having control of everything, in theory, sounds ideal, but could also quickly become overwhelming and problematic.

My youngest’s play will be performed on stage in the upcoming weeks. While he is beyond excited his work was picked, anxiety has crept in. Other students are producing the play and he hasn’t been asked for any input. While he was able to produce a snippet in the Spring playwright show, it was limited in showing his full intention for how the play should be preformed. The students producing the play have creative liberty to interpret and make the show as they see fit, with the characters and lines remaining as my son wrote them.

My youngest has extended his desire to help the producers as they work on his show, but they haven’t taken him up on it. Two things are causing his angst — being on the spectrum he wants things a certain way (don’t we all?) and fears too much of the play details are in his head (vs on paper), and he has essentially lost creative control of his baby. You pour your heart and soul into something — a book, music, or a play! — and someone might see it through a different lens than you, and not perform it the way you intended (content serious, not funny, music fast, not slow, etc.). There really isn’t anything he can do about this.

My son asked my husband and I for advice. “No one has reached out to me for my input on the show. Should I ask them again? Or maybe I should just drop by when they’re practicing?” We responded with a resounding, “No!” We talked to him about his concerns and how he doesn’t have control and how uncomfortable it can be, but he needs to trust his peers will do their best. He heard us, but having a hard time letting go of the idea he’ll have more influence or say in what gets performed. We also discussed what he might take away from this — can he be more detailed in his notes and stage direction, or anything else to lessen his concern in the future?

Losing control is almost always unsettling. It can leave you feeling untethered which can be scary, frustrating, and more. How do you or your child handle times when you don’t have control?

Thank You, Supporters

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It takes a village to raise a kid. It takes special folks in that village to help your child excel — be exposed to opportunities outside of your area of influence, knowledge, or experience; get a recommendation or be a reference to help your child get where they want to go (school, job, camp, etc.); give them a different view of who they are and what they can offer the world.

My youngest submitted for a summer camp that aligns with his passion in transit. We knew it would be a competitive process when we saw the paperwork (it was similar to applying to college minus having to send your grades and transcript). He had to submit three references in his application. He reached out to three adults who have been influential in his life — a past teacher, a present teacher, and a community leader in transit. He reached out to ask these folks to be references — a bit nervous and uncomfortable in the ask (understandable when you haven’t done this before and afraid you might be burdening someone). He was a bit more comfortable after his dad and I shared that most people want to help other people and most likely these folks would gladly support him, which they did (thank you!!!).

My son had to wait several months to get notified if he’d been accepted. We learned during the parent interview process (yes, this camp is that thorough) that 40 applicants had submitted and they only had room for 20. While good odds (50-50), it upped the anxiety knowing half the kids, who were likely eager to attend this camp might not get to go (including possibly mine). ☹️

The wait ended when our youngest ran out of his room shouting, “I’ve been accepted!” It’s rare you get to see your child so happy. The first thing we discussed was thanking his teachers, and the community leader that supported him as an applicant. I have no doubt their input made the difference.

Who makes up your kid’s village? Who are those supporters you are grateful for?

Relief

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How did COVID impact you and your family?

I feel like my family was one of the lucky ones. We have a house (vs small space), with a yard, and an ability to get out and walk around our neighborhood without issue. I know for many others this would have been a luxury during COVID. I’m still coming to terms with the impact it had on our kids (we all are). How did this disruption change their course in life, or did it? How many of them are dealing with undiagnosed stress, anxiety, etc.? Including my own kids. They appear fine, but what if they aren’t?

A big part of parenting is helping your child and trying to keep them safe. COVID threw us all into unchartered waters and it feels like we’ll be finding out the true impact of the pandemic in the coming years. The pandemic impacted/continues to impact all of us.

Like many health care workers during the pandemic, our youngest son’s therapist decided to leave the profession. They needed a change. We couldn’t fault them. Finding a new psychologist for our son proved challenging—therapists not taking new clients, long wait lists, and more. And the days of “seeing if the therapist is a good fit” seem long gone, when you feel fortunate to have gotten an appointment with anyone at all.

After many calls, emails, and follow-up calls and emails, and research. We found someone for our son. What a relief. At least for now. My son is getting to know the therapist, and we’re providing feedback to them on what’s working for my son and what isn’t. What gives you even more relief is my son being advocating for himself and his therapist being open to the feedback.

How did the pandemic impact your child? What brings you relief now that we’re coming out of it?

I will be stepping away to enjoy Spring Break with the family and back later this month.

Combating Sticks and Stones

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Words can hurt, right? Even when unintentional.

My youngest has grown tall for his age (over 6’), understands the importance of healthy eating and movement to live a long and healthy life, but eats more than the energy he’s expending, and is quickly growing out of his clothes.

He and I were out for a walk when he shared a comment one of his fellow students made, calling him fat. Of course, I wanted to know details so I asked him, “What exactly did they say?” He shared it was someone he didn’t know, it happened in the hallway, and the person was smiling, made eye contact with my son, and said, “hey man, your clothes don’t fit,” and kept walking. He wasn’t laughing, his tone wasn’t harsh, but his words landed like a punch to my son’s gut. “How are you feeling?” I asked. “Sad,” he said. I understood. Of course the momma bear in me went into high gear, and I said, “if someone says that again, you can say, ‘well your personality doesn’t fit.’ It might confuse them in the moment, but should get them to think more carefully about their words to others.” I was angry.

We walked for a while more. My own feelings of insecurity and body image/shame that were more intense in my younger years came flooding back. I HATED that my child was having to experience people being so careless with their words, and trying to diminish my son and his self-worth. We talked about why the person may have said what they did — their own discomfort, or not feeling good about themselves and wanting to direct their negative energy elsewhere and my son being the unfortunate recipient. My son felt sorry for the other student and their ignorance. That student has no idea who my son is, or what he has to offer others (much like my son doesn’t know the other student).

We were fortunate that my son had been reached out to on the same day by his former school asking him to come back and volunteer, and commenting on how much he was missed. It helped ease my son’s pain. I was grateful.

Having a child that struggles with anything — looks, smarts, physical abilities, etc. is tough. People being thoughtless with their words and hurting others, just mean. I have to remind myself we all can and should do better. Be thoughtful. Be caring. Be kind.

How do you help your child when others aren’t nice? How are you modeling the behavior you want to see in your child and others?

Report Card

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How would you grade yourself as a parent?

Most of the time I’d tell you my husband and I are doing “okay” as parents — learning as we go, making mistakes, admitting to ourselves and our kids when we do, learning from them and correcting ourselves/doing better, working to impart wisdom, morals, values, and beliefs, and supporting our boys as they grow. Sometimes I feel like we’re doing well (A/B grading), but other times…

Our oldest doubled-down on not wanting to continue sports in the upcoming school year. He made some good points regarding why he wanted to step away, but his argument seemed to carry a thread of how hard it might be to continue and that was the biggest driver behind his decision. My husband and I knew that the life lessons he would gain by seeing it through were very valuable—you don’t quit when it gets hard, you find your way through. Yet how could we get him to understand and reconsider? We talked about what he would gain by staying, how it would help shape him and his confidence, and how we didn’t want him to look back and regret his decision later when there was nothing he could do about it (meaning he only has two years left in high school). He was standing firm. As much as I hoped he wouldn’t play tackle football due to potential head injury, I was now hoping beyond hope he’d change his mind. It felt like the downside of walking away outweighed the upside. I felt like I was failing my son.

Turn to my youngest. His class is going on an overnight camping trip done by a group called Journeymen. This groups helps develop skills amongst its campers around working together, and successfully completing tasks (such as building on outdoor structure to sleep under). The intention is for the campers to be pushed outside their comfort zone, but have success and grow as a result. My son’s class had participated in it when he was in the sixth grade and he was pushed almost too far (keep in mind he is on the spectrum and his brain isn’t wired to stand significant discomfort easily), that we ended up getting a call where my son pleaded with me to take him home. I told him I couldn’t and explained why it was important he stay (he needed to know that he could do it). He did stay, but was a bit traumatized by the whole experience and was good with never going back again, You can imagine his reaction when we told him his class would be returning. He broke down, got highly upset and stated repeatedly “I’m not going.” My husband and I jumped into trying to calm him. “It will be okay, you’ve grown since the last time and so have your classmates. It will be better.” He wasn’t buying it. After several minutes of being unsuccessful at talking-him-down, my husband offered a great suggestion—have our son talk to his teacher, express his concerns and share what would make him more comfortable going on the trip. Our son was still highly upset, but said he’d try.

That night my husband and I asked each other “are we doing this parent thing right?” Because we felt like we’d be given a F grade based on the recent interactions with our boys. What were we doing wrong? I didn’t sleep well that night wondering what I should be doing differently or better.

Fast forward to the next afternoon. Our youngest gets home from school all smiles. He’d talked to the teacher and the teacher was in agreement around what hadn’t been great the first time round and how it would be different this time. My son had gone from being fearful the prior day to excited about going on the trip. Our oldest got home a little later. Before my husband or I could get a “how was your day” out, our son announced he’d continue to play football and would reserve making any decisions until closer to the start of the season. He wasn’t committing long term, but giving himself more time to make a decision. My husband and I sighed in relief. Maybe my husband and I were doing better than we thought???

What made me feel immensely better was when we shared our failings with a group of friends, and they all shared times they felt like failures too on occasion regarding their kids. Each story was relatable, made us laugh, and while we are trying our best, and aren’t successful in every moment, we see growth in our kids and ourselves beyond.

How would you grade yourself as a parent on any given day? How are you getting through those times you feel like a failure or not living up to the example you are trying to set?

Crossroads

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My oldest has asked to play football since he was very young. We were against tackle (due to brain injury concern, and the potential for him being exposed and potentially embracing toxic masculinity), but relented following our son being in flag football for many years, COVID isolating us all, and his need to see his dream through.

His first year, it was a shortened season—only four games, but they won most, and he had fun. The second year was a bit more eye-opening for him. He’d get overly anxious before each game — being unable to eat and/or keep anything down. He’d have no energy during the games (you don’t play optimally when you’re tired), and would be starving. All distractions. Workouts were more intense, but that didn’t bother him—he likes pushing himself to be fitter. His teammates were all over the place. Seniors making the season as if it were life and death, and his peers goofing off half the time. It’s left him questioning ‘do I really want to keep doing this?’

My oldest shared with his father he was considering walking away from the game. My husband was taken aback and needed a few minutes to let it sync in. My husband shared what he’d heard when I got home later that evening. “He said he has an important decision to make here in a few weeks about whether he’ll play football or not next year.” We we’re both caught by surprise. I wanted to talk to my son and see if I could understand more of what was driving this.

Thankfully he was willing to talk. I asked him why his was questioning playing with the team. He had clearly been putting some thought into it as he’d put a pros and cons list together mental which he recited. He shared that he loves the team and preparing for the game (though grueling). He hated how anxious he got, and it not allowing him to perform to his ability. He hated the range of attitudes by the players—overly serious (this is life and death), or immaturity, and some toxic masculinity (let’s hit something, pound chests, etc.). I could see how conflicted he was — loving the game, not loving all the comes with it. He was at a crossroads.

I started by telling him that playing, or not playing, was his decision but wanted to give him some things to consider before making the call. I started by talking about his teammates and the effect the pandemic had (which we all don’t fully understand yet) on younger people. “The seniors were overly serious because they got gypped out of two regular seasons due to the virus. They had a brief taste in the shortened season in the Spring of last year and wanted to see what they were capable of. Regarding your peers, studies have already shown maturity lacking in teen age groups due to the virus. Give tour peers through the summer and I’d guess they’ll act more age-appropriate.” I let that sink in for a minute then continued, “Regarding pre-game nerves. We can get you help with that through the doctor and bring in others like a sports psychologist to give you tools. The coach talked to you already about the leadership potential he sees in you, right?” My son nodded his head. “You have the opportunity to lean into being a leader. You followed last year because you thought that was your place, but you are growing and others see the potential in you. You have the opportunity to lead, people respect and listen to what you have to say.” This seemed to get him thinking based on his facial expression. “The last thing I’d like you to think about is not having regrets. You need to think through would you regret not playing sometime down the road, and if the answer is yes, than reconsider.” I shared a story with him about my own high school sports experience. I’d played on the golf team. The game was mentally taxing. I was good, but not great. I took it seriously, but not life or death. I recall questioning myself each year, but particularly before my senior year if I really wanted to subject myself to all the mental stress again. I ultimately decided I would regret it if I didn’t see it through, and I’m so glad I did. I have great memories, continued to improve my game, and got to be a mentor/roll model to the younger players. It was very satisfying.

My son is at a crossroads. My husband and I can only guide him at this point. I don’t want him making a decision he’ll wish he hadn’t later. As a parent, I feel the need to step back and let him make up his mind, and show that we trust him to make decisions that are right for him. He’s becoming an adult after all and needs to learn how to make ‘big’ decisions he can live with. It’s a bit unsettling as a parent to start letting go, but that’s the only way he’ll grow.

What crossroads has your child faced? How are you helping them make decisions for themselves that they feel good about?

A Sign of Support

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The situation in Ukraine is terrible. The bravery the citizens are showing is inspiring. Trying to imagine what it must feel like to be in the situation is impossible. It must be terrifying, stressful, exhausting, and so much more.

My boys are much more aware of politics and what is going on in the world than I was at their age. We discussed what was happening in Ukraine at dinner, and wondered what we could do to help. It can feel hopeless when you are far away and removed from the situation. We talked about how we could show support, and how we could donate to relief organizations. We talked about why one leader would inflict so much pain on so many, with no regard for the damage he’s doing to innocent people (in Ukraine and Russia), their lives, livelihood, and countries. We talked about the beauty of so many around the world being united against the invasion. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but it was a needed one. War is ugly, and no one wins in war.

Following our conversation, our youngest being into geography, insisted we get a Ukrainian flag using his own money. We agreed and now have it hanging in our window as a sign of support. He knows he doesn’t have the means to contribute any significant amount, but knew a visible sign of support had to mean something.

How do you talk to your child about bad things that happen in the world? What signs of support have you and your family taken for others are in need?