Category Archives: Teen

Learning on the Job

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What did you learn from your first job?

My oldest son has his first job where he receives a paycheck where taxes are withheld. He mainly works “behind the scenes” but occasionally has to interact with customers. The growth curve to get proficient is steep. He’s had days where he’s come home anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted, and sometimes even keeled and relaxed (though rare), My husband and I have reminded him he’s learning, making mistakes is normal, but learning for each mistake and doing better the next time is key.

This job is good for him. It’s forcing him to better understand what a job is — training, people relying on you, gaining new skills, and being challenged. He’s also gaining needed knowledge around what he wants you to do as a career — how does he want to be challenged, interact with others, and gain a feeling of accomplishment or at least contributing in a meaningful way?

My first job, aside from babysitting, was arranging floral bouquets — not the flowers, but the greenery. It was hard work on your hands with cuts from thorns, stickiness from sap, and it was so repetitive. I learned very quickly I did not want to do this long term. It reenforced the importance of education and to take advantage of every opportunity that presented itself. I know I was fortunate and had more opportunities than many others and took advantage of them (thanks to my own parents continuing to push and encourage me).

My son is thinking through what he wants to do. You can see him grappling with being independent — I can make my own choices; and balancing it with the opportunities his father and I continue to put in front of him — keep learning, don’t limit your options. I’m unsure the route he’ll ultimately go, but know he’s learning on the job, on how he wants to show up and interact with others — be a team player, reliable, accountable, and make mistakes and learn as he gains more knowledge; and what he ultimately wants out of a job and career.

What new skills is your child learning? How are you continuing to get them to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves that will help them grow?

Hang Time

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If you have a teen, do they like hanging out with you?

Are you laughing? I know my teens like to spend some time with their dad and I, but if given the choice, they’d rather be doing something else — hanging out with friends, watching TV, being online, or just alone in their room.

My oldest and I have bonded over the years over sports — collegiate sports specifically. He and I have watched UW (the local home team school) make it all the way to the National Championship game. I was sent an invitation by the school ( unsure how I got on list) to come to a viewing party on campus free of charge. I quickly grabbed four tickets thinking my oldest would want you to go with his friends.

As the game approached I asked him who he was going to go with. It surprised me when he said, “You’re going to come with me, right?” I let him know that of course I would join him, but had assumed he’d rather be there with his friends, not his old mom. 🥰

We ended up going to the viewing party and got to cheer on the team together. It was a bit surreal watching the game on an oversized scoreboard with 4,000 other people. It felt like being in the stadium, but also didn’t. Unfortunately, UW lost, which was disappointing but not heartbreaking for either of us. It was a great memory for me, and hopefully a fun time for my son.

Teens push us away as they get older and crave more independence, I’m grateful my son was willing to ‘hang with mom’ one more time, as he nears the end of high school I’m guessing these opportunities will be far and few between. Why do kids have to grow up so fast? 😊

How do you connect with your child? What’s the last thing you did together that surprised you?

Getting and Giving — a Santa Mom confession

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Who gets the presents for your family?

If each of you buy for each other, I’m jealous. I am the chief gift buyer for holidays, birthdays, and milestones, and events. I have given my husband the responsibility of ensuring his family is cared for, and well, have taken some of that back because he procrastinates (and stresses? (though he’s never shared this out loud with me) about it). I enjoy giving. Sometime in my teen years I crossed over (from the thrill/excitement of getting a present, to experiencing the same joy /thrill/excitement giving something to others). Don’t get me wrong, I love getting gifts, but really love giving, particularly when I think I’ve found something that will be meaningful for the recipient(s).

As our boys have aged, we’ve encouraged them to give to others. They don’t necessarily have money to contribute to charities, but do have time which they donate throughout the year to a meal program that brings homeless and housed together to feed, nourish, and build community. We’ve encouraged them to give gifts to each other. Suggesting they put thought into what the other might like. There is still work to do here. 😊 Most recently they individually came to me and asked what they should get for each other for Christmas. Both boys had given me their lists back in November (they have mastered thinking through and giving me their lists😂), and when Black Friday happened I proceeded to shop. I admit I went a little overboard. When each boy asked for a recommendation I gave a few ideas, I suggested they come up with their own idea, and then after they came back asking for help, said “just tell me how much you want to spend (of their allowance or saved money) and I’ll tell you what I bought for your brother, and you can give it to them instead.” I basically became their Target. 😊

Giving is an act — of generosity, thoughtfulness, love, and so much more. You have to invest time getting and giving (whether time and effort is the gift, or something physical). Our boys have some experience, but I do hope they’ll lean into the joy of giving and maybe even find something on their own for each other in the not too distant future (this Santa Mom’s “shop” won’t be open forever). 😊

What is the best gift you’ve given or received? What is the best gift your child has given or received from you?

Enjoy the holidays! I’ll be off for a few weeks and back in the New Year!

Holiday Lights

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What holiday traditions does your family have?

We have a handful of holiday traditions we try to do each year (weather tends to dictate). We go to a botanical garden that is decorated with lights — animals, plants, sea and even mystical creatures. It’s a 20-minute walk to see it all, but something we enjoy. We like checking out lights around different neighborhoods — with one, in particular, that goes all out (dozens and dozens of homes decorated from top to bottom). We go to a nearby lake trail that does luminaries the second Saturday of each December.

I love these traditions, and they are all different from traditions I did growing up — when opening an Advent Calendar door was a thrill (one day closer to Christmas!), watching Rudolph the only night and time it aired (VCRs weren’t around yet), and baking up more goodies than we could possibly eat.

My sons love our traditions (or, at least, I think they do). They will remind us (if we haven’t mentioned already having plans), to keep us on track and the traditions alive. It’s fun to see my oldest get excited about spending time with us (his family) for anything. 😊 And seeing the boys together — joking around, enjoying each other, and the sights with their father and I is their gift to me each year (mostly figuratively, but sometimes literally too #averyMomChristmas 😂🥰).

What holiday traditions do you have? What gift does your child give you?

Soar like an Eagle

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When last did you see your child soar?

My oldest, surprisingly to his father and I, decided to go for his Eagle Scout rank (Boys Scouts of America). My husband had earned his, and something about scouts appealed to my son. My husband took him to his first meeting years ago and thought our son would attend maybe one or two meetings and call it quits, but he didn’t. The skills and life lessons were what seemed to appeal to him.

I’d like to say my husband and I had a handle on how best to teach our boys all the life lessons we wanted to pass on, but we were wrong. Scouts gained our child’s interest in learning skills in a way that wouldn’t have occurred by mom and dad trying to educate (lecture?) them. I can see my son’s eyes rolling if we’d taken this approach. Instead, getting merit badges with counselors who held him accountable with what was needed and timelines to complete motivated our son. He was eager to learn and demonstrate proficiency. A favorite memory was talking to him and his brother in a car trip through Yellowstone National Park. There were long periods of time in the car. We talked about finances — saving for retirement, a house. Rent vs buying, the pros and cons, and what goes into each and more. He and his brother were very interested in learning and asked great questions. My husband and I were aware of how special that discussion was.

Scouting gave him leadership opportunities, a requirement to move up, that he took, learned and benefited from. His life skills continuing to grow. After completing the required merit badges and leadership position he needed to complete his Eagle Scout project which I previously blogged about. It was a steep learning curve for my son, but he completed the task.

The last requirement was going in front of a board to demonstrate proficiency and assess what had been learned and gained from the scout’s experience. My son prepared and wanted to do his best. Helping him get ready was another opportunity for my husband and I to teach him another valuable life skill — interviewing and being prepared (part of the Scout Motto) for unexpected questions he might get asked.

The review was done via video. My husband and I sat in another room anxiously awaiting to hear from our son and how the review went. He came out and was disappointed in how he did. You could see the stress in his face — did he just blow his chance for Eagle rank by how he’d answered the questions? While my son was stressed, my husband and I were not. The board review was more of a formality and unless he behaved out of character (being rude or disrespectful) the rank would be awarded. “They want to talk to you here in a few minutes.” We attempted to comfort him, but he convinced himself that bad news was coming. As we thought, the Scout leaders called us in and shared our son had earned his Eagle rank and we should be very proud. We were. I felt a combination of pride, relief, along with a smidge of sadness. Pride in our son seeing this through. Relief in that this was behind him and he no longer needed to worry about requirements and timelines. Sad in our son no longer having the prompt of earning a merit badge to engage with him and teach him a life skill.

He has the skills Scouts gave him to soar. I look forward to seeing him take flight.

What are skills you want to impart on your child? How are you helping them succeed (take flight)?

The Attitude of Gratitude

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Being grateful for the gifts in life is a daily practice for our family.

At dinner, we pray before eating focusing, most often, on what we are grateful for — the sun being out, doing better on a test than we thought we would, having a work project completed, our cat being cute and doing cute things (almost always included by my youngest). We sometimes get more serious and talk about the basics that we are thankful for—food to eat, a warm place to stay, our loved ones, our health, and the health of loved ones. The basics are what we are most grateful for. It’s hard to imagine (bear the thought) of those without. Never wanting to take the basics for granted or helping those without when we can.

There is much to be concerned about in the world, that can feel overwhelming (How can we help? What will it take to stop others suffering from war, abuse, or lack of resources?). If we’re not careful we can lose sight of the good things happening around us.

My husband works weekly with a program that serves hot meals to an often neglected part of the community. The guests may have mental health struggles, addiction, homelessness, or a combination of these things and more. He enlisted our sons to help when they were in middle school, having them join him periodically to help dish up, or serve/hand-out the meals. I join them, as well, from time to time.

The boys have learned a few things by doing this—there are a lot of good people out there (despite our political views, socioeconomic status, or education level), we are more alike than different; we all want the same basics—food, shelter, and connection; and what brings us together is an attitude of gratitude. Those cooking and serving want to help ease the suffering of others, or, at least, provide respite for a few hours. Those that receive are allowing themselves to be vulnerable to this community with the hopes of filling their often empty stomachs, and feeling warmth (literally and figuratively) and connection from those welcoming them in. It is a two-way street of gratitude.

What are you and your family thankful for?

I’ll be off for the Thanksgiving holiday and back in December.

Pumpkin Patch

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Cool crisp air, leaves changing colors, apple cider. It’s definitely a favorite time of year for our family.

We went to a pumpkin patch that’s become a tradition for us. We arrive, take in surrounding area that has different decorative pumpkin, squash, and gourd displays; check out what the local vendors are offering, get a wheelbarrow and head out towards the fields to get our pumpkins. Once we have our pumpkins we typically head out to get a meal nearby before heading home. I take LOTS of pictures each time we go — trying to remember it all. 😊 My oldest reminded us that since this would be his last year doing this with us (gulp), he’d get to pick where we ate lunch following. 😂

The pumpkin patch looked different than previous years — fields had been rotated, the corn maze was gone (as the corn, in the new field, was only three feet tall), but it didn’t matter because we were there together. Making our way through the fields to find our pumpkins, enjoying cider, and just being with each other.

It wasn’t anything special per se, but was special because of the tradition and memories and the wonderful feelings that come with it.

I do love this time of year.

What Fall traditions does your family have?

It’s Going to Be Okay

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‘It’s going to be okay’ is a phrase that has gotten me through many a difficult situation. Hearing from my parent, when I was young, or my husband now, has always given me comfort.

My oldest had a test that was stressing him out. He was struggling with some of the concepts being taught and was concerned he wouldn’t do well on the test. We talked about what he could do to prepare in advance. That helped ease his anxiety slightly but it was still there. He took the test, and the teacher had the students take pictures of their work which they emailed in. It was an additional step to handing in the test to a proctor. My son came home. He was relieved that the test had gone much better than expected, but stressed because he realized in his desire to leave the testing area as soon as possible after turning in the test, he realized he hadn’t gotten clear pictures of all of his work. “Mom, the pages that didn’t come through equal 20% of my grade.” He sat down, put his head in his hands and said, “how will I ever be able to live on my own?” That statement caught my attention. I can understand being stressed about a mistake you’ve made that might result in something negative happening to you (such as getting a poor grade), but thought him extrapolating this to not being able to go out on his own an extreme thought.

We talked about the situation at hand first. I asked him what he could do to rectify the situation. He shared he’d already emailed the teacher and we discussed him going back to the test site to see if the proctor would allow him to retake the pictures of his work (he went back, but the proctor wouldn’t allow him access to his test). I then shared my own experience and how sometimes in life I catch myself wanting to leave a situation (for discomfort, I want to get to the next thing, or a variety of other reasons) and I can make mistakes in those situations. I asked my son, “how am I able to keep going if I know I might do this? I’ve lived on my own for a while and I’ve never been concerned in my ability to successfully do that. Why is that?” I smiled and he did too. It didn’t take him long to come back with the correct answer, “you learned from your mistake.” I told him that he was right and shared that even though I still “do things fast” on occasion, I do them less frequently than when I was younger and I try to catch myself in the moment and tell myself to “slowdown”. I finished by telling him that no matter the outcome of the test everything was going to be okay. I told him, “it might not feel like it now, but I promise you everything will be okay.” A poor grade can be overcome with improved work and extra credit (assuming the teacher allows). Absolute worst case is he fails the class and has to take it over. While the scenarios might not seem fun, they were all something that could be addressed. Not long after we finished our conversation my son shared that he’d heard from his teacher who told him not to worry about it, he was more concerned with the work being shown on the test, than the actual pictures coming through and being clear. It had indeed ended up being okay.

How do you help your child work through a mistake they’ve made? How do you let them know things will work out or be okay?

Chrysalis

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At what age did you emerge from your childhood cocoon?

My oldest is a senior and thinking about where life will take him next. He’s starting to get a taste of having more freedom and understanding that he ultimately controls where and what he does next. While he’s still living at home, he has a safe, protected, and supportive environment to make mistakes and learn from them.

As I think about his upbringing I can see clear lines between him as a small child and the adult he is becoming. Then there is this gray period inbetween the two where he is leaving one phase of life and preparing for another. In this “cocoon”-phase he could be distant, and hard to understand, but you knew what was inside him needed to be protected and nourished and so you let the cocoon be — not leaving it alone, but understanding (or trying to) how growing up can be hard and scary sometimes. It can also be joyful and comforting, and so much more.

It feels like my oldest is starting to emerge from his cocoon with a more open disposition. He’s more likely to talk, engage, and is in general happier. Is it because he’s understanding he will figure out his next stage of life? He’s appreciating the love and support while making the transition? Or something else?

Only he knows, but it’s amazing to see this new phase and him taking flight.

What phase of life is your child in? How are you helping them transition from one phase to another?

Figuring Out Friendship

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Have you ever parted ways with a friend?

Parting has been easiest, for me, when our locations and situations took us different places and nothing was explicitly said. The door open to reconnect or resume the friendship is there should the opportunity arise. It’s hardest when betrayal or some type of perceived hurt has occurred — coming back from it might not be possible. Then there is everything in between.

My youngest in high school has reconnected with an elementary classmate, and together brought a third, newcomer, into their group. My son enjoyed getting to know his new friend, even walking home from school a few times together, until he didn’t. He started seeing differences between he and this new person which made him take an inventory for what he wants in a friendship. This new friend appreciates women based on looks more than anything else, and likes watching/listening to crude humor on his phone. I can’t say this is untypical of any teen, but what struck me was how off putting it was to my son. My son shared his friend had been vulnerable with him, and he was in turn, but then the friend started teasing him about what he opened up about, making him regret sharing at all. The final ‘blow’ was when the friend kept trying to get my son to engage with him during lunch period, and my son wanted no part. My son shared, “I don’t think I want you to be friends with him anymore.”

I’ve often felt my son wanted more friends, but what held him back was some challenges he faced by being on the spectrum (such as missing social cues), what I found was my son having clarity in what he wants in friendship and not being willing to settle.

We talked about the differences between he and his friend, with the main one being my son had had the good fortune of having teachers, and caregivers that modeled healthy relationships and strong emotional intelligence — give him tons of tools for his toolkit. His friend, hadn’t had these same resources and may not have the knowledge my son has. The comparison I made was my son have a full tool belt, uniform, and protective gear, and his friend being naked. I shared this with my son, so he would have empathy for his friend. He could either help his friend grow with his knowledge or part ways because the effort wasn’t worth it or the friend wouldn’t be open to it. My son took it under advisement and decided he wouldn’t proactively engage this friend, but wouldn’t outright tell him the friendship is over either. So far it’s worked out. Neither boy has really engaged the other and the loss of a friendship doesn’t seem to bother my son (or the other boy, best we can tell), at all.

Ending a friendship is never easy. Making a new friend isn’t easy either. How are you helping your child navigate friendship?