Category Archives: Teen

Panic Before the Prom

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Having a girl (our exchange student) has been eye-opening for us (me, in particular). I’d like to think that looks aren’t that important to this younger generation of females, but with social media apps, and trying to keep up (compete?) with your peers, looks — down to the microscopic element — are top of mind…constantly. Honestly, as a woman, it makes me both sad and angry. I was hoping we were evolving as a people more than what we appear (pun intended) to be.

As the host mom, I want to support our student and help her work through any angst she is feeling, but I struggle with some things that to her are super important, but to me aren’t. She is gorgeous by the way, without a stitch of makeup and should be someone who isn’t impacted by the beauty machine, but she is fully sucked in. I’m curious if it is worse for her since coming to America. I’ll have to ask.

Prom is coming up. Nail, hair, accessories, dress, shoes, makeup, outfits (for the weekend), and more. One item getting her worked up is her dress. It’s beautiful but a bit long. We got it too close to the dance to get it hemmed by a seamstress and let’s say, well, I’m inspired by people who can sew, but I have no desire to do it beyond simple mending and do not own a sewing machine. She is set on getting the length taken in 36 hours before the dance. 😳 We tracked down some hemming tape, but she is scared how it will affect the dress. “It won’t look good in the pictures,” she said. I suggested we try a small area, see how it looks and then go from there. She continued to ask me for other ideas. The only other thing I’ve come up with is taking the extra material in the back and pinning it up to the side (sweeping). It might look a little unnatural, but it would allow her to walk and take photos with the dress looking fine.

I’ve tried to tell her that things like your nails, the bottom of your dress, and if your eyelashes are curled or not, will not be noticed by anyone, and if they are, it will be for a nanosecond and they’ll be on thinking about the next thing and no longer thinking of you. I know she hears me, but not sure she believes me. I’m not sure I would have believed myself at her age. By the way, at my prom, I got my nails down special to match my dress. When getting photos, I was instructed to put my hand on my dates lapel, which I did, and I folded my fingers under it. Ha! You couldn’t even see my nail job. Why did I go thru all the trouble?

She’s in a panic, but my guess is it’s more nerves going with a boy she barely knows, experiencing something very American (the prom), and wanting it to be something magical (like you see in the movies), versus how long or short her dress is. We will get through this. I’ll let you know if the hemming tape works.

When has your teen panicked about something? How did you work through their angst?

I’ll be taking next weekend off for the long weekend and back in June.

Foreign Communication

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My youngest has been accepted into a foreign exchange summer program. He’s thrilled to go explore a new country, and being a kid on the spectrum lies the (potential) problem.

When he gets an idea in his mind, particularly in something he’s interested in doing, his mindset becomes more rigid and narrowly focused. It can be a strength (knowing how to navigate a large public transit system without ever having to look at a map or timetable) and a weakness (going into a situation where he doesn’t have control). Note: many of us (neuro-diverse or not), struggle with control and a rigid from time to time.

We met the family he will be living with over video. The boys started communicating via text following. My son went into “all things travel” mode — asking questions about where they could travel to, transit options, and ideas he had. Yikes. I can only imagine what the host family is thinking.

The good (great) news is that we have our exchange student who has been with us, and knows something about connecting with host families prior to arriving. 😊 My son was sharing some of his disappointment in how some of his initial excitement had waned and he wasn’t hearing much from his peer. Once our exchange student and I listened she offered some ideas (I did too, but think he really took her ideas to heart). “Share something about you. Take a picture of your walk home. Show them the neighborhood or where we go to school. Ask them to show you where they live,” she recommended. He recognized his communication had been one-sided up to that point (all about him and his interests), and he understood the was value in starting over and them getting to know one another. He sent a text to say as such and felt better about things.

It is hard when someone you love so dearly struggles with understanding social cues, but I love that our exchange student was here, willing to help, and my son willing to listen. He has a new friend/sister who can help him (assuming he continues to be willing to ask). 😊 The rigid mindset, he’s aware of and we’ll continue to work on making it more flexible.

What’s hard for your child? How are you helping them work through or overcome their challenge?

Sunburn Pain

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Having a sunburn is no fun, regardless of how it happens.

We traveled for Spring Break and our exchange student was excited about being in sunny weather. She asked if she could spend some time at the pool to get a tan. We gave her sunscreen, told her to put it on, and reiterated we were at the start of our trip, so if she did get sunburned it would make the remainder of the trip less enjoyable.

She laid out in the sun and proceeded to get a pretty bad sunburn. 😞 She powered through the next few days complaining about the pain (we understood), but when it still hadn’t stopped hurting once we returned home several days later, we realized it was worse than we imagined. She went to the doctor and learned she had a third degree burn in a small area and would likely have a scar (or discoloration for a while). She went from loving the sun and not being able to get enough of it, to wearing sunscreen and covering herself constantly. I hate that she had to learn this lesson, but don’t we have to learn from our own mistakes?

I know parenting teens has it challenges and getting your teen to listen to you, and/or take our advice can feel impossible. I remember hearing from MANY people how dangerous the sun can be growing up and have to admit I didn’t wear sunscreen constantly until I was much older. I see the dermatologist once a year now. 😉 It can be painful to see your child suffer, especially when it feels like the situation could be avoided.

Parenting and getting your kids to buy-in to your insights, advice, and recommendations is frustrating when they resist or out-right ignore you, but that’s how we grow (our kids and us). We can guide and do our best to protect, but in the end they are their own person who will have to learn for themselves.

How have you gotten your teen to listen to and take your advice when given?

Meeting the Moment

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These are unsettling times.

We can be struck with fear, anger, anxiety and feel like we’re at a loss as to what we can do. While I’d like to shield my kids from everything that is going on, I can’t. The news is everywhere and trying to put your head in the sand to avoid the chaos is great from a mental break perspective, but not from standing up for what you believe in, or meeting the moment.

My oldest has a different opportunity to meet the moment at his job. It’s not necessarily challenging for him (physically or mentally), but it’s steady work with flexible hours. He shared how he’d been showing up a little late and was wondering if others were noticing. I asked him why he was late (he used different words, but essentially said he wasn’t very motivated to be early or on time). I asked him how he could get feedback on his performance (sounds redundant, but I wanted to make sure he knew). “Ask, I guess,” he replied. Then I asked him how he wanted to show up in life. “You decide how you show up. You are on time and do good work, and that’s something people will remember you for. Go in and slack, and they’ll know you for that. Anything less and you probably won’t have the job for long.” I said. I finished with “how you show up for others carriers into all facets of your life — work, relationships with a significant other, your friends, and family, etc. You decide what that looks like.” He thought for a minute and said what I said made sense and gave him some things to think about.

We have to decide daily how we want to show up – for our jobs, our family, kids, friends, community, and even our country. Showing up as you want to be isn’t always easy. As I always tell my kids, you can’t be brave if you aren’t (at least a little bit) scared. I’m encouraging us all to lean into those scared moments so we can rise to our moment (whatever that may be).

How do you encourage your child to best their best?

I’ll be off next week enjoying time with family and friends, and will be back later this month.

Spring Eternal

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What do you like about Spring?

Where we live, there are cherry blossom trees that bloom this time of year. We make an evening of it after school and work, and head over to see the trees in bloom and then take in a meal nearby after.

It was fun to take our exchange student to see the trees. I sometimes wonder what she makes of our traditions. 😊 The weather was warmer than usual and sunny (a big plus), and the trees were beautiful though not quite at peak bloom, but that actually helped us because the crowds weren’t as overwhelming as years past, and you could walk around without worrying about running into others.

It was a simple thing to do, to go see nature doing its thing, but boy was it a mental health boost for us. People gathering, enjoying the sights and each other, with the sun making it all that much better. It felt like all was right with the world, or would somehow be okay. It comforted us while there.

When, where, or how has nature had a positive impact on your family?

Scare after Scare

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What scares you? What scares your child?

My kids are well past the ages of monsters under the bed or the house creaking during the night scaring them. What scares them is age appropriate — an upcoming test, if someone will return their interest or affection, and some is the same as mine — seeing what’s going on with our politics 😞

My youngest is typically happy-go-lucky. Not that he’s happy all the time, but mostly you’ll see him with a sunny disposition (particularly appreciated in the often overcast climate we live in). My son has taken a keen interest in politics in recent years, and we’ve had many discussions post-election on how to not get too overwhelmed with everything that will come. Easier said than done, right? We’ve tried to encourage picking our battles. It can be tough when so many people are hurting from unexpected job loss, financial struggles or insecurity, food prices going up, the economy unstable, healthcare bring impacted, the environment being jeopardized, immigrants fearing deportation, and on and on.

As a parent, I feel like my job is to try to rise above it (e.g., not let my emotions allow me to fully say everything I think and feel to my child and add to their worry or angst), but to listen, empathize, and remind them we’ll get through this. It’s tough when you, yourself, have no clue how you’re going to get thru it because you don’t know exactly when the madness will end and how bad it’ll get beforehand.

My youngest texted his father and I while he was at school to let us know he wasn’t having a good mental health day. He does not normally talk in these terms, so we knew something had to have happened to cause him to text us this. It turned out he’d heard that a law was going to be overturned by the Supreme Court which upset him. After my husband and I had an exchange with him. We all determined there was no case before the court and nothing to indicate the law would change. It was a relief, but still made me sad that my teen had anxiety because of those that seem more interested in power and money, than what’s best for all, and an internet algorithm putting the misleading news article at the top of my son’s feed.

I believe many of us parents are struggling during this time. We want to model good behavior, teach our kids what’s right and wrong, and hard to counter this when our leaders appear to be acting badly with little we can do.

I told my son, there will be moments where we’re going to need to make our voices heard, but reminded him he is not alone, we are here for him —whether he just needs an ear to listen and empathize or if we need to march in a protest or something else. That’s where I can help my son.

How do you support your child when they are anxious?

Finding Your Person

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The journey of love differs for everyone. For some it comes easy, others it is (or feels) harder, and others experience something or everything in between.

My youngest is interested in finding love but in no hurry. Our exchange student would love to find love, but also realizes she’s only here for a limited amount of time. After much hesitation, my oldest has finally decided to start putting himself out there.

While I think my oldest has been interested in testing the dating waters for a while, fear, anxiety, and doubt have held him back. When friends would ask me who he is dating, I’d reply that he wasn’t dating anyone yet, because in order for that to happen a girl would have to go up to him, tell him she was interested and ask him to take her on a date. Not too many people I can think of that would be up for that. And honestly if they did, he still probably would have been freaked out. 😊

He’s matured and has started to lean into his feelings of attraction (admitted he’s having these feelings — progress!), and asking advice on what to do with these feelings (in my opinion, he is WAY braver than I ever was growing up. I was convinced I had to figure it out on my own. Not that I wanted my parents to help me find a mate, but if I had felt comfortable asking them about how dating works and how you know if someone likes you or not, it would have helped me).

The fact that my oldest wants to talk to me and better understand the female mindset makes me so happy. It’s a nice feeling when you can pass along information that might be useful. Of course, I’ve also talked with him about how it’s almost impossible to understand why another person may or may not be interested in you (past relationships, what’s going on in their life, and a whole host of other things you would have no way of knowing can factor in).

I shared with my son how I developed this idea that I wasn’t good enough (for another person to date me, I guess 🤷‍♀️) when I was in my teens. Anytime someone showed interest in me, I ruled it out and thought it couldn’t be true or if it was, there was clearly something wrong with the person (don’t they know how defective I am? #sad). It took me until the second time I went out with a guy I’d had a major crush on in my mid-teens, and re-connected with him many years later. We didn’t date in my mid-teens, and when we re-connected, I still had a slight crush, but wasn’t going to rush in. I figured he just wanted to be friends. The first time we went out, we drove to a dance club, had a good time, came home. I got out of the car and said I had fun and we’d talk soon. The next week, we went back to the dance club and as we approached my driveway he got quiet then said, “Will you not jump out of the car when we get to your house?” I was surprised, but in the best way possible.

I relayed this story to my son and encouraged him, “you are just starting your journey to finding your person. You will have highs, lows, disappointment, glee, anxiety, joy, sadness, and a whole range of other experiences. The road will take you different places, but each experience you will gain clarity in what you want in a life partner, and it will get you one step closer to them.”

I’m impressed by his maturity and willingness to start being vulnerable (be himself) with others. And happy anytime he wants my advice. 🥰

How are you helping your young person navigate feelings, and relationships?

Tryouts

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Did you ever try out for a sport or role when you were growing up?

I tried out for a sporting team in high school that had the minimum number of players needed when I tried out, so I wasn’t cut (phew!). I had to practice, and practice, and practice, and eventually became proficient at the sport and played for my three years.

My oldest has tried out for two sports. Basketball, when he was in middle school; and football in high school. He didn’t make the basketball team, which he was disappointed by, but also didn’t have much playing time under his belt (he shot hoops with friends occasionally, but hadn’t played a game, even in a rec league). He played flag football throughout his younger years, and made the high school football team based on his skills and knowledge of the game.

My youngest, tried out for theater roles, and has been fortunate to get selected to participate in his high school productions each year. His elementary theater experience really helped him prepare.

Our exchange student has now decided to try out for a sport. Her experience is limited, but her enthusiasm and determination to do well, impressive. As a host parent, I want to encourage her, yet, don’t want her to be too disappointed should she not make the team. It’s a tough balancing act in my experience. My oldest knew two days into his basketball tryouts he likely wouldn’t make the team. I strongly encouraged him to keep with the tryouts (don’t regret not seeing something through — hood or bad), and he was released from moving forward in the tryout process the following day. I’ve reflected on this numerous times wondering if I did the right (or wrong) thing by pushing him to continue. My thinking was, he would regret his decision if he stopped early and didn’t see the tryouts through.

I’ve decided this time with our exchange student, I’m just going to be supportive and if she chooses to stop the tryout process, help her work through any negative feelings she experiences. It may dampen her otherwise positive experience here in America, but I’m sure she’ll take something positive from the situation regardless of the outcome.

Tryouts are hard. Of course you want to see your child succeed, but how do you handle it when they get cut, or it looks like they won’t make the team? How do you help them put the disappointment into perspective and use the situation to help them do something different in the future (prepare more, focus on other interests, etc.)?

Love is in the Air

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How was your Valentine’s Day?

Around the dinner table we noted Valentine’s Day was coming up. We asked our exchange student if this was a day celebrated in Spain. She said it wasn’t, but she was intrigued by the notion. We talked about how a lot of holidays in America are commercialized and sometimes feel forced vs. enjoyable. She sighed as she noted she didn’t have a boyfriend (though I suspect she easily could if she wanted).

She asked how many Valentines I’d had over the years. “Not many,” I replied. Thankfully being married to my husband took my stress over being untethered off my “things to worry about (for no good reason)” off the board many years ago. It’s terrible (IMO) how much weight we put on this holiday and how much anxiety, or disappointment it can bring. It should be fun, but it can too often feel like pressure. And it can kill confidence in some of the most confident people I know (my younger self included).

She and her friends decided to celebrate the day together, sharing homemade treats, watching movies, and having fun. Love takes many forms, but having fun with people you truly enjoy being around and care about (perhaps love, though not romantically) is better than just about anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I love flowers. But shared experiences, where you laugh and make fond memories are pretty special.

How does your child feel about Valentine’s Day?

I will be off next week enjoying sometime off with the family and will be back in March.

Let’s Dance!

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What unexpected have you experienced recently?

Our exchange student came back from an afternoon out with friends. She shared what they had done, treasures she had found, and casually sipped on an energy drink while doing so. After she finished, she turned on the karaoke machine that sits in our living room, (and to this point, used mainly on holidays), and started singing. Then she started dancing. Then she insisted my youngest son and I sing and dance with her. She was full of energy. 😊 We laughed and giggled, and I was exhausted after a few songs.

The next day, after waking up later than usual, our exchange student came out sharing she couldn’t get to sleep the night prior until the early hours of the morning. “Do you think it was the energy drink?” I asked. I knew she rarely drinks caffeine, and was surprised to see her with the energy drink the day before. “Oh right,” she said. “I was wondering if that energy drink was the cause of our impromptu karaoke,” I said. “Yes! I had too much energy I needed to get out.” We talked about how fun the karaoke was, but how much more enjoyable the day can be when you get a good nights rest. She’s rethinking future energy drinks, at least for the time being. 😊

What gives your child extra energy? Does your teen struggle with sleep?