Category Archives: Teen

Summer Exploration

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What’s something new you’ve tried during the summer?

Our youngest is showing the city to our French exchange student. Taking him to popular tourists sites and having him experience a more typical day-in-the-life (going to the grocery store, checking out the library, helping around the house, hanging out on the deck). You can see my son learning him to host (while his dad and I work), and protect space for himself. It’s taken a few days, but he seems to be getting better at hosting, though I know there is a part of him that desperately wants to do whatever he wants without taking into consideration what our exchange student wants to do. As a spectrum kid, we keep encouraging him to have a more flexible mindset. Easier said than done, but we can see he is trying.

Our oldest is home for the summer, but out and about so much, it’s often like he isn’t here. If he isn’t working, he’s typically with his friends doing something regarding exercise, working on cars, or exploring. He recently joined some newer friends and went on a hike that had a 6000 ft elevation gain and required having an ice axe ( yikes!), and scrambling at that top. That’s too adventurous for me, but my son was eager to go. I was worried the entire day for his safety (would he push himself, get injured, or worse fall) until he texted to let me know he was okay. Worrying — something I suppose we’ll always do as parents, regardless our child’s age, right?

Summer is the longest stretch where the weather tends to be nicer (if not too hot) and ripe for exploring — a place or things to do. What exploring has your child or family done this summer?

The Gift of Connection

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Friends and loved ones, those you have meaningful connections with, creating a sending of belonging and joy.

My youngest struggles with making these types of connections, common for those with autism. He does have a core groups of friends he made in middle school, and a best friend he’s known since elementary but only got close to within the last few years.

When our exchange student arrived, it took her a few days and weeks to get comfortable in our home. My husband and I would fall asleep before the kids would and we learned months in that our exchange student and youngest son would have late night chats in the living room. Our exchange student shares would concern, silly things that happened or hopes, and my son would share the same. Over time, you could see a strong sibling bonding forming. They care about each other and are interested in how the other is doing.

Unbeknownst to my son, this was great practice for him in what meaningful relationships look like. His older brother and he would talk (when his brother lived at home), but was more guarded in what he shared, so while the practice my youngest experienced with our exchange student was much more impactful. I can see his growth when he is out with his friends. I’m grateful for the gift our exchange student gave our son while she was with us. We are missing her dearly since she’s returned home.

How do friendship and connections impact your child?

Rounding the Bases and Sliding into Home

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That’s what this time of year feels like to me. It’s filled with of end of the year activities — the school play wrapping up for my youngest, graduation upcoming for our exchange student, our oldest wrapping up his first year of college and coming home for the summer, and family in town to visit and celebrate milestones.

It can be a lot in a few short weeks. It can feel intense with the schedule – get kid x here and kid y there, keeping track of where kids are 😂 as there seem to be a flurry of friend meet-ups jammed in right at the end of the school year, get everyone fed, get work done, etc. It can feel intense, but also memorable and I really try to stay present though it isn’t always easy.

Our exchange student leaves us in a few weeks 🥹, I haven’t even let myself really come to terms with that yet, or that my youngest will be a senior next year, and I only have one more “rounding-of-the-bases” from a school year perspective to go. Gulp!

What is the end of the school year like for your family? What are you glad is over and what do (or will) you miss?

Navigating Teen Love

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Who was your first crush?

There were several I had in my youth. A boy, named, Brian, gave me butterflies in my stomach in the 3rd grade. 😊

Navigating love isn’t easy for most. There is risk, joy and pain. Our exchange student went to prom and had a great time. The hem fabric solution we used to shorten her dress worked great (the pre-prom panic all for naught). She was excited to be asked and to go, but wasn’t particularly interested in her date. Not because he wasn’t handsome or nice, but because she is going home soon and didn’t see the benefit of starting anything with anyone with so little time left. Let’s just say, the poor guy was a little heartbroken. He clearly hoped there could be something between them, even if it was short lived.

As a parent, I’ve tried to be as honest with my kids (and our exchange student) on things I’ve learned during my life around relationships, communication, empathy, and confidence (in who you are, and what you have to offer others). My hope is that by sharing, the kids have some perspective, don’t feel alone, or draw conclusions that are negative about themselves (I’m not good enough, no one will ever like me). The boy wanting something to happen made it a bit awkward for our exchange student, put I was proud of her for speaking honestly with him about her feelings. It is hard to let someone down.

I had several crushes through my teens and early 20s, and only in hindsight am I glad they didn’t work out. There was heartbreak — and boy did it hurt. But we get back up and try again, and if we’re lucky we find our person.

Helping teens navigate love is hard. Social media, and smartphones (everything can be captured) puts another lens or pressure I didn’t experience. I’m grateful, but at the same time, finding love is the same regardless of the day and age — knowing who you are, knowing the key qualities you want in a partner, and chemistry. You have to be willing to invest, be vulnerable (brave), and tenacious. Particularly hard when you are experiencing heartbreak.

How are you helping your teen navigate love?

Panic Before the Prom

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Having a girl (our exchange student) has been eye-opening for us (me, in particular). I’d like to think that looks aren’t that important to this younger generation of females, but with social media apps, and trying to keep up (compete?) with your peers, looks — down to the microscopic element — are top of mind…constantly. Honestly, as a woman, it makes me both sad and angry. I was hoping we were evolving as a people more than what we appear (pun intended) to be.

As the host mom, I want to support our student and help her work through any angst she is feeling, but I struggle with some things that to her are super important, but to me aren’t. She is gorgeous by the way, without a stitch of makeup and should be someone who isn’t impacted by the beauty machine, but she is fully sucked in. I’m curious if it is worse for her since coming to America. I’ll have to ask.

Prom is coming up. Nail, hair, accessories, dress, shoes, makeup, outfits (for the weekend), and more. One item getting her worked up is her dress. It’s beautiful but a bit long. We got it too close to the dance to get it hemmed by a seamstress and let’s say, well, I’m inspired by people who can sew, but I have no desire to do it beyond simple mending and do not own a sewing machine. She is set on getting the length taken in 36 hours before the dance. 😳 We tracked down some hemming tape, but she is scared how it will affect the dress. “It won’t look good in the pictures,” she said. I suggested we try a small area, see how it looks and then go from there. She continued to ask me for other ideas. The only other thing I’ve come up with is taking the extra material in the back and pinning it up to the side (sweeping). It might look a little unnatural, but it would allow her to walk and take photos with the dress looking fine.

I’ve tried to tell her that things like your nails, the bottom of your dress, and if your eyelashes are curled or not, will not be noticed by anyone, and if they are, it will be for a nanosecond and they’ll be on thinking about the next thing and no longer thinking of you. I know she hears me, but not sure she believes me. I’m not sure I would have believed myself at her age. By the way, at my prom, I got my nails down special to match my dress. When getting photos, I was instructed to put my hand on my dates lapel, which I did, and I folded my fingers under it. Ha! You couldn’t even see my nail job. Why did I go thru all the trouble?

She’s in a panic, but my guess is it’s more nerves going with a boy she barely knows, experiencing something very American (the prom), and wanting it to be something magical (like you see in the movies), versus how long or short her dress is. We will get through this. I’ll let you know if the hemming tape works.

When has your teen panicked about something? How did you work through their angst?

I’ll be taking next weekend off for the long weekend and back in June.

Foreign Communication

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My youngest has been accepted into a foreign exchange summer program. He’s thrilled to go explore a new country, and being a kid on the spectrum lies the (potential) problem.

When he gets an idea in his mind, particularly in something he’s interested in doing, his mindset becomes more rigid and narrowly focused. It can be a strength (knowing how to navigate a large public transit system without ever having to look at a map or timetable) and a weakness (going into a situation where he doesn’t have control). Note: many of us (neuro-diverse or not), struggle with control and a rigid from time to time.

We met the family he will be living with over video. The boys started communicating via text following. My son went into “all things travel” mode — asking questions about where they could travel to, transit options, and ideas he had. Yikes. I can only imagine what the host family is thinking.

The good (great) news is that we have our exchange student who has been with us, and knows something about connecting with host families prior to arriving. 😊 My son was sharing some of his disappointment in how some of his initial excitement had waned and he wasn’t hearing much from his peer. Once our exchange student and I listened she offered some ideas (I did too, but think he really took her ideas to heart). “Share something about you. Take a picture of your walk home. Show them the neighborhood or where we go to school. Ask them to show you where they live,” she recommended. He recognized his communication had been one-sided up to that point (all about him and his interests), and he understood the was value in starting over and them getting to know one another. He sent a text to say as such and felt better about things.

It is hard when someone you love so dearly struggles with understanding social cues, but I love that our exchange student was here, willing to help, and my son willing to listen. He has a new friend/sister who can help him (assuming he continues to be willing to ask). 😊 The rigid mindset, he’s aware of and we’ll continue to work on making it more flexible.

What’s hard for your child? How are you helping them work through or overcome their challenge?

Sunburn Pain

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Having a sunburn is no fun, regardless of how it happens.

We traveled for Spring Break and our exchange student was excited about being in sunny weather. She asked if she could spend some time at the pool to get a tan. We gave her sunscreen, told her to put it on, and reiterated we were at the start of our trip, so if she did get sunburned it would make the remainder of the trip less enjoyable.

She laid out in the sun and proceeded to get a pretty bad sunburn. 😞 She powered through the next few days complaining about the pain (we understood), but when it still hadn’t stopped hurting once we returned home several days later, we realized it was worse than we imagined. She went to the doctor and learned she had a third degree burn in a small area and would likely have a scar (or discoloration for a while). She went from loving the sun and not being able to get enough of it, to wearing sunscreen and covering herself constantly. I hate that she had to learn this lesson, but don’t we have to learn from our own mistakes?

I know parenting teens has it challenges and getting your teen to listen to you, and/or take our advice can feel impossible. I remember hearing from MANY people how dangerous the sun can be growing up and have to admit I didn’t wear sunscreen constantly until I was much older. I see the dermatologist once a year now. 😉 It can be painful to see your child suffer, especially when it feels like the situation could be avoided.

Parenting and getting your kids to buy-in to your insights, advice, and recommendations is frustrating when they resist or out-right ignore you, but that’s how we grow (our kids and us). We can guide and do our best to protect, but in the end they are their own person who will have to learn for themselves.

How have you gotten your teen to listen to and take your advice when given?

Meeting the Moment

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These are unsettling times.

We can be struck with fear, anger, anxiety and feel like we’re at a loss as to what we can do. While I’d like to shield my kids from everything that is going on, I can’t. The news is everywhere and trying to put your head in the sand to avoid the chaos is great from a mental break perspective, but not from standing up for what you believe in, or meeting the moment.

My oldest has a different opportunity to meet the moment at his job. It’s not necessarily challenging for him (physically or mentally), but it’s steady work with flexible hours. He shared how he’d been showing up a little late and was wondering if others were noticing. I asked him why he was late (he used different words, but essentially said he wasn’t very motivated to be early or on time). I asked him how he could get feedback on his performance (sounds redundant, but I wanted to make sure he knew). “Ask, I guess,” he replied. Then I asked him how he wanted to show up in life. “You decide how you show up. You are on time and do good work, and that’s something people will remember you for. Go in and slack, and they’ll know you for that. Anything less and you probably won’t have the job for long.” I said. I finished with “how you show up for others carriers into all facets of your life — work, relationships with a significant other, your friends, and family, etc. You decide what that looks like.” He thought for a minute and said what I said made sense and gave him some things to think about.

We have to decide daily how we want to show up – for our jobs, our family, kids, friends, community, and even our country. Showing up as you want to be isn’t always easy. As I always tell my kids, you can’t be brave if you aren’t (at least a little bit) scared. I’m encouraging us all to lean into those scared moments so we can rise to our moment (whatever that may be).

How do you encourage your child to best their best?

I’ll be off next week enjoying time with family and friends, and will be back later this month.

Spring Eternal

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What do you like about Spring?

Where we live, there are cherry blossom trees that bloom this time of year. We make an evening of it after school and work, and head over to see the trees in bloom and then take in a meal nearby after.

It was fun to take our exchange student to see the trees. I sometimes wonder what she makes of our traditions. 😊 The weather was warmer than usual and sunny (a big plus), and the trees were beautiful though not quite at peak bloom, but that actually helped us because the crowds weren’t as overwhelming as years past, and you could walk around without worrying about running into others.

It was a simple thing to do, to go see nature doing its thing, but boy was it a mental health boost for us. People gathering, enjoying the sights and each other, with the sun making it all that much better. It felt like all was right with the world, or would somehow be okay. It comforted us while there.

When, where, or how has nature had a positive impact on your family?

Scare after Scare

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What scares you? What scares your child?

My kids are well past the ages of monsters under the bed or the house creaking during the night scaring them. What scares them is age appropriate — an upcoming test, if someone will return their interest or affection, and some is the same as mine — seeing what’s going on with our politics 😞

My youngest is typically happy-go-lucky. Not that he’s happy all the time, but mostly you’ll see him with a sunny disposition (particularly appreciated in the often overcast climate we live in). My son has taken a keen interest in politics in recent years, and we’ve had many discussions post-election on how to not get too overwhelmed with everything that will come. Easier said than done, right? We’ve tried to encourage picking our battles. It can be tough when so many people are hurting from unexpected job loss, financial struggles or insecurity, food prices going up, the economy unstable, healthcare bring impacted, the environment being jeopardized, immigrants fearing deportation, and on and on.

As a parent, I feel like my job is to try to rise above it (e.g., not let my emotions allow me to fully say everything I think and feel to my child and add to their worry or angst), but to listen, empathize, and remind them we’ll get through this. It’s tough when you, yourself, have no clue how you’re going to get thru it because you don’t know exactly when the madness will end and how bad it’ll get beforehand.

My youngest texted his father and I while he was at school to let us know he wasn’t having a good mental health day. He does not normally talk in these terms, so we knew something had to have happened to cause him to text us this. It turned out he’d heard that a law was going to be overturned by the Supreme Court which upset him. After my husband and I had an exchange with him. We all determined there was no case before the court and nothing to indicate the law would change. It was a relief, but still made me sad that my teen had anxiety because of those that seem more interested in power and money, than what’s best for all, and an internet algorithm putting the misleading news article at the top of my son’s feed.

I believe many of us parents are struggling during this time. We want to model good behavior, teach our kids what’s right and wrong, and hard to counter this when our leaders appear to be acting badly with little we can do.

I told my son, there will be moments where we’re going to need to make our voices heard, but reminded him he is not alone, we are here for him —whether he just needs an ear to listen and empathize or if we need to march in a protest or something else. That’s where I can help my son.

How do you support your child when they are anxious?