Category Archives: Parenting

Scare after Scare

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What scares you? What scares your child?

My kids are well past the ages of monsters under the bed or the house creaking during the night scaring them. What scares them is age appropriate — an upcoming test, if someone will return their interest or affection, and some is the same as mine — seeing what’s going on with our politics 😞

My youngest is typically happy-go-lucky. Not that he’s happy all the time, but mostly you’ll see him with a sunny disposition (particularly appreciated in the often overcast climate we live in). My son has taken a keen interest in politics in recent years, and we’ve had many discussions post-election on how to not get too overwhelmed with everything that will come. Easier said than done, right? We’ve tried to encourage picking our battles. It can be tough when so many people are hurting from unexpected job loss, financial struggles or insecurity, food prices going up, the economy unstable, healthcare bring impacted, the environment being jeopardized, immigrants fearing deportation, and on and on.

As a parent, I feel like my job is to try to rise above it (e.g., not let my emotions allow me to fully say everything I think and feel to my child and add to their worry or angst), but to listen, empathize, and remind them we’ll get through this. It’s tough when you, yourself, have no clue how you’re going to get thru it because you don’t know exactly when the madness will end and how bad it’ll get beforehand.

My youngest texted his father and I while he was at school to let us know he wasn’t having a good mental health day. He does not normally talk in these terms, so we knew something had to have happened to cause him to text us this. It turned out he’d heard that a law was going to be overturned by the Supreme Court which upset him. After my husband and I had an exchange with him. We all determined there was no case before the court and nothing to indicate the law would change. It was a relief, but still made me sad that my teen had anxiety because of those that seem more interested in power and money, than what’s best for all, and an internet algorithm putting the misleading news article at the top of my son’s feed.

I believe many of us parents are struggling during this time. We want to model good behavior, teach our kids what’s right and wrong, and hard to counter this when our leaders appear to be acting badly with little we can do.

I told my son, there will be moments where we’re going to need to make our voices heard, but reminded him he is not alone, we are here for him —whether he just needs an ear to listen and empathize or if we need to march in a protest or something else. That’s where I can help my son.

How do you support your child when they are anxious?

Finding Your Person

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The journey of love differs for everyone. For some it comes easy, others it is (or feels) harder, and others experience something or everything in between.

My youngest is interested in finding love but in no hurry. Our exchange student would love to find love, but also realizes she’s only here for a limited amount of time. After much hesitation, my oldest has finally decided to start putting himself out there.

While I think my oldest has been interested in testing the dating waters for a while, fear, anxiety, and doubt have held him back. When friends would ask me who he is dating, I’d reply that he wasn’t dating anyone yet, because in order for that to happen a girl would have to go up to him, tell him she was interested and ask him to take her on a date. Not too many people I can think of that would be up for that. And honestly if they did, he still probably would have been freaked out. 😊

He’s matured and has started to lean into his feelings of attraction (admitted he’s having these feelings — progress!), and asking advice on what to do with these feelings (in my opinion, he is WAY braver than I ever was growing up. I was convinced I had to figure it out on my own. Not that I wanted my parents to help me find a mate, but if I had felt comfortable asking them about how dating works and how you know if someone likes you or not, it would have helped me).

The fact that my oldest wants to talk to me and better understand the female mindset makes me so happy. It’s a nice feeling when you can pass along information that might be useful. Of course, I’ve also talked with him about how it’s almost impossible to understand why another person may or may not be interested in you (past relationships, what’s going on in their life, and a whole host of other things you would have no way of knowing can factor in).

I shared with my son how I developed this idea that I wasn’t good enough (for another person to date me, I guess 🤷‍♀️) when I was in my teens. Anytime someone showed interest in me, I ruled it out and thought it couldn’t be true or if it was, there was clearly something wrong with the person (don’t they know how defective I am? #sad). It took me until the second time I went out with a guy I’d had a major crush on in my mid-teens, and re-connected with him many years later. We didn’t date in my mid-teens, and when we re-connected, I still had a slight crush, but wasn’t going to rush in. I figured he just wanted to be friends. The first time we went out, we drove to a dance club, had a good time, came home. I got out of the car and said I had fun and we’d talk soon. The next week, we went back to the dance club and as we approached my driveway he got quiet then said, “Will you not jump out of the car when we get to your house?” I was surprised, but in the best way possible.

I relayed this story to my son and encouraged him, “you are just starting your journey to finding your person. You will have highs, lows, disappointment, glee, anxiety, joy, sadness, and a whole range of other experiences. The road will take you different places, but each experience you will gain clarity in what you want in a life partner, and it will get you one step closer to them.”

I’m impressed by his maturity and willingness to start being vulnerable (be himself) with others. And happy anytime he wants my advice. 🥰

How are you helping your young person navigate feelings, and relationships?

Tryouts

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Did you ever try out for a sport or role when you were growing up?

I tried out for a sporting team in high school that had the minimum number of players needed when I tried out, so I wasn’t cut (phew!). I had to practice, and practice, and practice, and eventually became proficient at the sport and played for my three years.

My oldest has tried out for two sports. Basketball, when he was in middle school; and football in high school. He didn’t make the basketball team, which he was disappointed by, but also didn’t have much playing time under his belt (he shot hoops with friends occasionally, but hadn’t played a game, even in a rec league). He played flag football throughout his younger years, and made the high school football team based on his skills and knowledge of the game.

My youngest, tried out for theater roles, and has been fortunate to get selected to participate in his high school productions each year. His elementary theater experience really helped him prepare.

Our exchange student has now decided to try out for a sport. Her experience is limited, but her enthusiasm and determination to do well, impressive. As a host parent, I want to encourage her, yet, don’t want her to be too disappointed should she not make the team. It’s a tough balancing act in my experience. My oldest knew two days into his basketball tryouts he likely wouldn’t make the team. I strongly encouraged him to keep with the tryouts (don’t regret not seeing something through — hood or bad), and he was released from moving forward in the tryout process the following day. I’ve reflected on this numerous times wondering if I did the right (or wrong) thing by pushing him to continue. My thinking was, he would regret his decision if he stopped early and didn’t see the tryouts through.

I’ve decided this time with our exchange student, I’m just going to be supportive and if she chooses to stop the tryout process, help her work through any negative feelings she experiences. It may dampen her otherwise positive experience here in America, but I’m sure she’ll take something positive from the situation regardless of the outcome.

Tryouts are hard. Of course you want to see your child succeed, but how do you handle it when they get cut, or it looks like they won’t make the team? How do you help them put the disappointment into perspective and use the situation to help them do something different in the future (prepare more, focus on other interests, etc.)?

Love is in the Air

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How was your Valentine’s Day?

Around the dinner table we noted Valentine’s Day was coming up. We asked our exchange student if this was a day celebrated in Spain. She said it wasn’t, but she was intrigued by the notion. We talked about how a lot of holidays in America are commercialized and sometimes feel forced vs. enjoyable. She sighed as she noted she didn’t have a boyfriend (though I suspect she easily could if she wanted).

She asked how many Valentines I’d had over the years. “Not many,” I replied. Thankfully being married to my husband took my stress over being untethered off my “things to worry about (for no good reason)” off the board many years ago. It’s terrible (IMO) how much weight we put on this holiday and how much anxiety, or disappointment it can bring. It should be fun, but it can too often feel like pressure. And it can kill confidence in some of the most confident people I know (my younger self included).

She and her friends decided to celebrate the day together, sharing homemade treats, watching movies, and having fun. Love takes many forms, but having fun with people you truly enjoy being around and care about (perhaps love, though not romantically) is better than just about anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I love flowers. But shared experiences, where you laugh and make fond memories are pretty special.

How does your child feel about Valentine’s Day?

I will be off next week enjoying sometime off with the family and will be back in March.

You’re Embarrassing Me

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Have you ever embarrassed your child?

Of course you have, we all have, though I suspect it hasn’t been intentional. Whether we’re the loud parent at the field cheering their kid on, talking about your child’s accolades with others, disciplining them in public, or a variety of other situations, there’s a good chance you’ve embarrassed your child. I know I have.😬

My youngest and I decided to walk to get dinner. We had two stops to make — one at a sandwich shop, and also a nearby Mediterranean place (to get some sides). We placed a to-go order at the Mediterranean restaurant and then went to the sandwich shop picked up our food and circled back. It was very cold outside, but we’d just been in a heated space. I asked my youngest if he wanted to wait inside with me at the Mediterranean place while they finished our order, and he said he was fine waiting outside. The order took longer than expected. I motioned at one point for my son to come join me inside where it was warm but he declined. When the order finally arrived we headed home, I asked, “It’s so cold outside. Didn’t you want to come inside?” My son said, “I did want to come inside but I was afraid you might embarrass me for wanting to come in from the cold.” Yikes! I was stunned, I thought he was going to say he wasn’t cold, or something along those lines. It hurt (in the moment) to think him suffering being cold was less painful than coming in to warm up.

I asked if he could explain how I might embarrass him. He said, “mom, sometimes you say things like you’re trying to be friendly with others you don’t know, and it can feel sometimes like it comes at my expense.” Gut punch, but one I needed. I apologized and told him embarrassing him was never something I’d intend to do, and appreciated him raising this to my attention.

After we’d been home for a while, and I’d had time to reflect on what my son had shared, I asked him if we could talk. I shared with him that I was aware of a tendency I had to try to be friendly with, and make others comfortable (even when it’s not needed). I also shared that it had never crossed my mind that in these moments anything I said could be interpreted as embarrassing, but I understand that was the case. I told him I would work on being more aware of my tendencies to do this, and work on holding my tongue.

This was a humbling lesson for me. We don’t ever want to think we’ve done wrong by our kids, but sometimes we do, even unintentionally. My motto has been no regrets, not no mistakes. This is a mistake I plan to learn from, and correct by doing right by my son in the future.

What do you do when you make a parenting mistake? How do you ensure you’re doing right by your child?

Feedback is Hard

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How do you get feedback?

Feedback can be hard to give and get. My youngest tried out for the school Spring musical in early December. He thought he did well, or better than years past, and thought he had a good chance of getting a speaking role. The cast list came out the Friday afternoon before winter break. The teachers were clear, no one comes to them once the list is posted with questions, the student can schedule time during feedback sessions that will happen once school is back in session.

The list came out. My son was anxious — nerves and excitement. Unfortunately, he didn’t get a speaking part. He was cast in the ensemble. He was devastated. He broke down and talked about his disappointment—the work and practice he’d put in, how much he’d wanted a speaking part, and how bad it hurt. As a parent, it was hard to witness, but I tried to give him space to experience his emotions and reassure him he’d be okay. I did encourage him to take the teachers up on their offer to provide feedback. He didn’t want to even think about it, at first. The hurt was too fresh and hearing any criticism, even constructive, would be too tough.

I encouraged him to get time with the teachers again over break, for no other reason than to know clearly why he didn’t get a speaking role. Was it skill? Meaning he didn’t sing or dance well enough? Or was his acting not a match? Or something else? If he knew he’d know what he needed to work on vs. guessing and not giving himself the best chance in future auditions. I told him getting constructive criticism is a gift — the intent is to help you get (or be) better. My son listened, but still wasn’t convinced. It helped that his grandfather also encouraged him to get feedback and the value in hearing it even if it’s hard. My son now had to decide for himself.

When school resumed I asked my son what he was going to do. “I already signed up to get feedback,” he said, “I’m worried they’ll tell me I’m not good at something, but hoping they’ll just say it wasn’t my year.” The musical the school will be performing does have a small cast. I was glad he was going to get the feedback even though it wasn’t easy.

After getting the feedback, he came home and shared what they told him, it was a mix of some things he could do to improve on (work on parts of his stage presence), and with so few roles, he just was a little short of getting a speaking part. He was at peace with the feedback and I was really proud of him for doing it.

Getting feedback is hard. What’s the most helpful feedback you’ve ever gotten? How are you helping your child be more open to receiving feedback?

I’ll be off again next week for the long weekend and back later this month.

New Year, New Tradition

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How do you celebrate New Year’s?

We are pretty boring in our house. Some sparkling cider, fun food, sometimes gather with friends, other times just chill at home and my husband and I rarely make it to midnight. Ha! We’ve decided celebrating East Coast New Year’s works well for us. 😊

Our exchange student is from Spain, and shared her tradition of eating 12 grapes with each strike of the clocking starting at midnight (ingesting 12 grapes in a minute is a feat in and of itself). Each grape represents a month of the year and is supposed to give you good fortune and prosperity. There is a belief that eating the grapes under a table will help you find love in the New Year. 🥰 Our exchange student decided to eat grapes both ways — eat the grapes regularly with us (we celebrated it being the New Year in Spain), and then eat grapes under the table with her friends here (these friends have no problem staying up til midnight. Ah…youth!).

New Year’s is a pretty low key event for us, but our exchange student continues to broaden our view of the world, and adds a new sparkle to each holiday. What a gift!

What are you looking forward to in the New Year?

Holiday Cards

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Reposted from December 2014

Dear Friend,

I hope this card finds you well. Another year has flown by again… Holiday cards are nice to receive, right? I love getting cards from friends. I really enjoy getting holiday cards from friends, particularly those I haven’t seen in a while or do not speak to on a regular basis, that include details about what they’ve been up to the last year. It seems like getting details lessens every year. I can certainly appreciate how busy everyone is. There always seems to be something to do: get your child some place, get yourself some place, pick up something, drop off something, make something, do something. The list of ‘to-dos’ seems endless. Getting holiday cards done can seem like one more ‘to-do’ on a very long list. I appreciate the effort and the thought of being included on friend’s mailing list, but oh, how I miss details of what is going on in our friends lives when they are not included. I know there are many reasons why people don’t do this:

  • They don’t want to be seen as bragging (most letters include highlights vs. low lights — you see more “we took a trip to Hawaii” vs. “Jimmy’s failing math and we’re super stressed about it.” right?),
  • They don’t think others are that interested in what’s going on with them (we are, we really are), or
  • They don’t have the energy to sit down to write the letter–there is just too much to get done, and this isn’t high on the list (we can all relate to this).

Writing a letter, for my husband and I, is a good way for us to pause and reflect on the past 12 months. We are often in awe of all that has occurred–good and bad, and what we look forward to in the New Year. It feels like by capturing our experiences on paper, we’re somehow permanently entering them into our family time capsule (which is made up solely of our memory, and what we capture in pictures, and on paper). The letter is a brief snapshot in time of our family history, that without writing down on paper, we’d too easily forget. When we finish our letter, I normally experience a range of emotions from grateful to sad: grateful we made it through another year and we are all healthy, and sad that precious time has passed. A friend, this year, sent a simple fold out card with pictures of her kids and family. While it could have stopped there, she made the card even more special by adding text over each child’s picture with what everyone was grateful for. It gave me a quick sense of what the kids were into (grateful for certain toys, or their pets, friends, etc.), and that they were doing okay (when you share that you are grateful, it tells me that things must be pretty okay…it’s difficult to be grateful when you are in a low spot or something terrible has happened). She shared those details I crave. I really appreciated it.

How do you stay connected with others? What types of cards do you like to send, and receive?

I want to wish everyone safe and happy holidays. I will be taking time off and will return in January.

Home for the Holidays

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What are your favorite memories about going home, or having others come home for the holidays?

We are fortunate that our oldest is home for the holidays and we’re a full house currently. It’s fun to see the kids interacting, and acting like kids — still wanting to decorate a gingerbread house, and decorate sugar cookies. I’m aware that us having a full house is something that won’t last forever.

We are packing in all the holiday traditions we can think of — seeing Christmas lights, doing an annual walk around the lake nearby, and have been invited to friend events we’re looking forward to. But just being with the kids, and seeing the light in their eyes as we experience things together, joy as they laugh, or act silly, or simply hang out watching a movie or talking with each other is pretty special.

Honestly having the kids here is probably the best present I can get any year. There’s just something about this time of year that makes it seem more special.

What does having loved ones (or being with loved ones) mean to you?

Gift Exchange

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What is the best unexpected gift you received?

Our exchange student is giving us gifts in unexpected ways. Taking them to our favorite parts of town, trying new foods (for them and us), sharing traditions and learning how ours are different from their’s. It’s seeing and appreciating the world in a whole new way for our family.

Most days, there is a period of time where we sit and have long discussions. It can be about their day, what’s going on, explaining to each other our differences. These talks often end with her and I left at the table or on the couch and the topic will turn to boys, what comes after she returns home (university, field of study, making up for missed time with family and friends, etc.). I find in these times I listen (or try to be a good listener), but have an almost uncontrollably urge to share knowledge and give advice. When the student talks, it’s like I’m listening to myself and want to have the conversations with her no one had with me at her age. I’m cognizant I’m not her parent, and stress cultures are different but try to boil anything I say down to what I would have benefited from (respecting yourself, getting clarity on your skills and interests for example) without any judgement. It is a wonderful gift to receive and I’m hopeful a gift to our student (I also feel like I have a small window into some of the joys of grand-parenting and seeing the world through new eyes). 🥰

It’s a gift to be able to share knowledge with others, and learn from others — something our exchange student being here is allowing us to do. We hope they see it as a gift too.

What knowledge is it important for you to share with your child? What are you learning from them?