Category Archives: Nerves

Fun by the Campfire

Posted on by

0

What’s something fun you’ve done this Fall?

Where I live, this time of year is iffy weather wise. It can be cool enough for a fire outdoors, but wet and rainy, or dry and too cold regardless how big the fire is. We’ve been fortunate enough to have some cool and dry weather nights where the temperature is ‘just right’, and done impromptu fires — for ourselves and inviting friends that live nearby to drop over, if they can.

On our most recent night outside, my youngest and our exchange student did some bonding. He shared that he was feeling down over several back-to-back disappointments he’d experienced during the week, and our student offered him advice and to be someone he could talk to (it was so great seeing). Our exchange student loved the fire and is interested in roasting marshmallows in the future like they’ve seen in American movies (we can help them with that. 🥰). My favorite part was when our student encouraged my son to sing his audition song (that he plans to use for Spring Musical tryouts in a few weeks) for us. My youngest paused, but then found the song and sang it. You could hear his nerves as he sang — we were outside, with neighbors in hearing distance — but he did well and we told him so. Then I encouraged our student to do the same. She sang her song (with similar nerves), but I was so impressed of her willingness to do this in front of us while only knowing us a short time. I think she’s pretty fearless (I’ve told her as much).

There was singing, giggling, sharing stories, and just a general ‘nice’ feeling about it all. The fire died down, we all were content to go inside for the night. Oh, how I hope we have a few more of these types of evenings.

What is something outdoors you and your family like to do as the seasons change?

Change is in the Air

Posted on by

0

What has changed recently in your family?

I received a weekly school announcements newsletter from our youngest’s school. Normally I open and discard these notices within a few seconds of receiving them. This particular week, something caught my eye. An urgent need for student housing so they could stay at my son’s school. With our oldest out of the house, we had the space. I empathized with the student’s situation and had a strong feeling that not only that we could help, but we should.

We discussed the situation as a family — would everyone be okay if we let this new person become a family member for the remainder of the school year. Everyone agreed. My youngest loved the idea of having another sibling. 😊

We made inquiries and the student will be joining us soon. There is a mixture of excitement and nerves. Similar to the feeling I had before our children arrived, and the weight of the commitment sinking in — what exactly are we getting ourselves into? I’m going in with a sense of adventure—and hoping we learn as much from them as they us, and that they like us, and feel cared for a safe.

What new people (or pets) have come into your families lives and how have they changed it?

Growing, Growing, Gone

Posted on by

0

How prepared is your child to go off on their own?

Our youngest decided to go to an overnight camp on the other side of the country. Worrisome enough for any parent, but throw in the fact that he’s 16, going on his own, and wanted to explore the transit in a large urban area he hadn’t explored (as much as he wanted) before made my nerves go through the roof. Not because my son isn’t capable — he navigated the tube in London flawlessly without ever consulting a map, but because he was going to be doing this on his own. What if he ran into a problem? Or people who were looking to take advantage of a younger person? It helps that my son is tall and people often think he is older than he is, but that can go both ways (good/bad) too. He showed us his itinerary and what he planned to do on his day in the city before the camp came and picked him up.

My husband and I spent time prepping my son. Bringing up scenarios and asking how he would handle or what he would do if he got into a situation where he needed help. It was a moment where we had to let him g(r)o(w) regardless how hard it was for us.

Because my son was going to the other coast there was a time difference and he would already be well on his journey before we woke up. He kept us posted on his stays, checking his luggage, paying train tickets, what routes he was on, etc. via text. I was calm but nervous. I looked forward to him being with the camp folks knowing he was safe.

The day went on, he was fine, and the camp got him safely mid-afternoon. I was relieved, and so proud of my son being able to do what he did. That night when we talked he shared how kind people had been, and how fortunate he’d been to make (train) connections and do all that he did. “We’re proud of you, you know?,” I said as we talked that evening, “but you should be even more proud of what you did yourself. You now know you can do this, and if traveling is something you want to do more of, you took a big step towards doing that.” He smiled and shared that he was proud of himself.

Gaining independence and confidence as you grow helps lessen the scariness of leaving the nest. Even though this mother bird still wants to protect her kids, I know I have to let them g(r)o(w).

How are you helping your child grow confidence in their abilities and independence?

Happy 4th. I’ll be away enjoying time with family and back later in July.

Thank You, Supporters

Posted on by

0

It takes a village to raise a kid. It takes special folks in that village to help your child excel — be exposed to opportunities outside of your area of influence, knowledge, or experience; get a recommendation or be a reference to help your child get where they want to go (school, job, camp, etc.); give them a different view of who they are and what they can offer the world.

My youngest submitted for a summer camp that aligns with his passion in transit. We knew it would be a competitive process when we saw the paperwork (it was similar to applying to college minus having to send your grades and transcript). He had to submit three references in his application. He reached out to three adults who have been influential in his life — a past teacher, a present teacher, and a community leader in transit. He reached out to ask these folks to be references — a bit nervous and uncomfortable in the ask (understandable when you haven’t done this before and afraid you might be burdening someone). He was a bit more comfortable after his dad and I shared that most people want to help other people and most likely these folks would gladly support him, which they did (thank you!!!).

My son had to wait several months to get notified if he’d been accepted. We learned during the parent interview process (yes, this camp is that thorough) that 40 applicants had submitted and they only had room for 20. While good odds (50-50), it upped the anxiety knowing half the kids, who were likely eager to attend this camp might not get to go (including possibly mine). ☹️

The wait ended when our youngest ran out of his room shouting, “I’ve been accepted!” It’s rare you get to see your child so happy. The first thing we discussed was thanking his teachers, and the community leader that supported him as an applicant. I have no doubt their input made the difference.

Who makes up your kid’s village? Who are those supporters you are grateful for?

March Madness

Posted on by

0

Are you watching the NCAA basketball tournament?

I used to follow college basketball and still enjoy watching a good game on occasion, but I haven’t watched the tournament or really paid attention to it for years. That changed when my oldest came home after practice and I had a game on. I don’t know why I put the game on, but glad I did. My oldest stayed, watched the game with me, and even shared his thoughts (mostly which teams he was rooting for, and how watching the games kind of stressed him out when he thought a team might lose). While there wasn’t much depth per se to the conversation, I’ll take it. I rarely get more than a grunt of acknowledgment out of him on a daily basis. 😊

I suppose I’ll have the tournament games on a lot more in the coming weeks with the hope he’ll continue to engage (even a little conversation from him goes a long way with me).

In what unexpected settings do you get your kids to open up and talk to you?

Learner’s Permit

Posted on by

0

Our youngest has gotten his learner’s permit and is starting classes and practices driving (with my husband and I first, and the driving instructor later on). The first drive he was understandably nervous.

First lessons with our boys started the same way — in a relatively empty parking lot, and alternate with a nearby community college that has even more empty space when school is out. We get them in the drivers seat, talk about the seat belt, seat and mirror positions, the controls (park, drive, reverse), and foot position — drive with one foot going between the gas, brake and emergency brake, before we start any driving.

The first lesson, with my youngest, was at the nearby community college. We had gone through the basics and he was ready to start his drive. He let his foot gently off the brake and we started to move forward. He drove in a straight line and I asked him to stop as we neared where he’d need to start a turn. I showed him how to turn the wheel and he did well. We continued to drive slowly around the parking lot. Early lessons are normally short (15-20 minutes in length) — for both our son’s sanity (his nerves are high), and my husband’s and mine (our nerves are pretty high too, though we try to mask them and appear we’re cool and collected). My son started to drive again, this time applying a little more pressure to the gas pedal. We were going relatively slow but when he came around the corner he over corrected and was driving towards the curb where some trees were. When I saw him start to panic, in my mind I said, “brake, brake, brake!”, but after he came to a stop up on the curb (but thankfully not in the trees) he said I said, “whoa, whoa, whoa!” 😬 My words added to his panic (clearly not my intention). Thankfully no damage was done, we and the car were fine. We concluded the lesson following.

On the drive back home we talked about the drive — what my son felt good about and what he needs to work on (based on what we practiced). My son gave me some good pointers in how I can better help him in the future. “Mom, my brain works differently. Hand gestures put my brain on overload. You telling me what I need to do is more helpful.” I love how clear my kid-on-the-spectrum is. It never occurred to me how teaching him to drive would be different from my older son. While driving on the curb scared us both, his ability to give me feedback to better help him made me feel more confident to help him succeed. Another time as the parent I’ve also become the student. While I have my drivers license I only have my learner’s permit in teaching my son. I need his feedback, regardless the situation, to be a better driving instructor, better supporter, better advocate, and better parent.

What are learning from your child? How is your child helping you be better?

First Day Jitters

Posted on by

0

How did your child’s school year start?

My oldest is starting high school (gulp), and while school being remote lessened some of his first day jitters, it didn’t eliminate them.

Our son stressed about how the first day would go. Not about getting lost in the new school, or worrying about how he’d fit in, but about when to connect online, how to, and what his schedule was going to be.

My husband and I tried to reassure him that that everyone was working hard to get schedules done and communicate the details out to students. He was in the same boat with his classmates and needed to have some patience. He wasn’t convinced. I didn’t realize how stressed he was until I got an email from one of his teachers with details on a class. Trying to show my son he didn’t have anything to worry about, I decided to have a little fun with him. I genuinely thought he’d catch on to my ‘being silly’ immediately. “I got a note from your teacher,” I said. His shoulders relaxed. “It’s a sewing class.” His shoulders tightened again. Ah oh, I thought, I was expecting ‘a yea, right!’ Not tightened shoulders. “Sewing? I’m not taking sewing!” He was overreacting and, while I should have let him off the hook, I decided to let it play out a little longer. “Yea, sewing. It’s a good skill to have.” “I am not taking sewing!” he said. His stress was way up. I decided to let him know the truth. “I’m kidding kiddo, the note is from your PE teacher.” I smiled. I didn’t know how he’d react. He smiled relieved. “Mom,” he laughed. “Sorry, I just wanted to have a little fun with you.” He was happy to have a class he wanted, and I was relieved he wasn’t upset with me.

There were some technical challenges we suffered through on the first day (with computer apps, etc.), but otherwise he had a good first day. At the end of the day he was happy. It clearly went better than he’d expected. All those jitters for nothing, right? Yet, we all feel them particularly when we are doing something new (school, new job, new city).

We don’t know how the school year will unfold, but are grateful to have first day jitters behind us.

How are you helping your child acclimate to the new school year?

Confession of a Mom who Meddled

Posted on by

0

Have you ever meddled in your child’s life?

The definition of meddling per the Cambridge dictionary: the act of trying to change or have an influence on things that are not your responsibility.

Tried to help them build friendships? Talked to the coach about your child playing in the game or in a better position, or asking a teacher about how you can help your child get a better grade on an assignment?

While our hearts my be in the right place (trying to help our child), they often have unwanted consequences.

I am, and have always been, mindful of the downside to meddling and worked to minimize any interference unless I’ve believed it to be absolutely necessary (and it is almost never is). I thought I was doing a pretty good job of ‘staying out’ of my kids lives–letting them make decisions, mistakes included, and learning from them. My eyes were opened to my unknowing meddling when my youngest son’s girlfriend was at our house with her mother.

My son and this girl’s relationship has been purely innocent–more about two people liking each other than what one would deem a mature relationship that includes strong communication, time together and intimacy. Their relationship is appropriate for their age. Relationship is italicized because my son and this girl rarely see each other (maybe a half dozen times a year), exchange gifts at the holidays, and that’s about it. Her mother and I have been the ones really keeping the relationship going. She’s invited us over for parties and movie nights, I’ve promoted my son to buy the girl gifts, give her cards on Valentine’s Day, etc. If we had let the relationship grow on its own (left it to the kids) it would have likely fizzled out a long time ago. They have gone to separate schools for years.

The girl and her mom were at our house (my son was out with his dad and brother and were on their way home) and while we were waiting I relayed an insight my son had shared about how glad he was that he, and this girl had a healthy relationship (they had learned in my son’s school about healthy vs. toxic relationships). I thought it was cute, but as I shared this piece of information, the girl shrank (like she wanted to disappear). I could tell the use of the word relationship made her uncomfortable. Maybe too big? Had to much weight and responsibility attached to it? I quickly changed the subject, but couldn’t shake the feeling I’d really screwed up.

Of course, I’m not in control of anyone’s feelings, and of course, as people grow, feelings can change. I felt my actions were accelerating a breakup, that wouldn’t have happened if I just kept my mouth closed. My sharing was potentially going to hurt my son. I was devastated.

Sure enough my fears were confirmed a few days later, when her parents, and my husband and I went out. The mother shared that her daughter cared for my son, but no longer wanted a relationship. I felt like I’d been punched and slapped at the same time. Not for what the mother said, but for my fears being realized. My husband was wonderful trying to remind me that this was a long time coming, but I couldn’t forgive myself. I sat my son down and we talked about the situation. I admitted my fault. He was crushed, but let me console him, which I was grateful for. We talked about it over the next few days. He had a present to give her for the holidays and we role-played various scenarios so he would be prepared for what might happen. Thankfully it was pretty non-eventful. They exchanged gifts (my son hit the ball-out-of-the-park with what he gave her). As parents, we offered them space to talk but nerves got the better of them, and nothing was said.

Maybe it’s better this way? I don’t know. My son knows his girlfriend now just wants to be friends, and he is okay with this. I committed to him that I would not meddle in the future (and keep my mouth shut). He forgave me, which was a blessing, and asked if he could still come to me for advice. He helped mend my heart when he asked me that.

Have you meddled? How did you gain your child’s trust back?

Nervous Wreck

Posted on by

3

Have you ever been nervous for your child?

My older son plays flag football. He loves it. He was fortunate enough last year to play on a team that had fantastic coaches. The kids on the team learned to work hard and have fun. Everyone got to play, and the best part of all was the kids won enough games to get themselves into the regional Super Bowl tournament. The tournament was intense, the competition more fierce and I was a nervous wreck. It was very hard to watch what was happening. I tried to distract myself by pacing and standing back from the crowd, but nothing could quell my nerves. I so wanted my son and his team to win.

They made it through the first three rounds in spectacular fashion (winning one, losing one, going into overtime and ultimately winning to go into the next round). They lost in the semi-final game, in a game that could have gone either way — the other team had the ball last and they won. I was exhausted afterwards — you would have thought I had played four games in a row on the field.

This year my son is playing on an even better team, with the same coaches, so the kids are continuing to work hard and have fun, but they are also winning. They just won the local city-wide championship and are in the regionals, starting with the semi-final game. Watching the local city-wide championship, I again was a nervous wreck. I watched it with another mom from the team, and commented to one of the players grandmother’s that was there watching, “This is aging me beyond belief.”

My angst forced me to reflect on what am I nervous about exactly? I have no influence or power to determine the outcome of any game. All I can do is lend support and encouragement. It says nothing about my son, or me, if his team wins or loses. I actually think you learn a lot more when you lose than when you win. I know my son wants the win desperately. He is such a fan of the game and I know he has pro-football-dreams like many his age. I know that I want this for him because of how happy this will make him. Of course, I also know how disappointed a loss would be (and having to deal with him being upset wouldn’t be fun, but it’s not something I get nervous about). If I really peel back the layers, I think my nerves are around “Am I doing right by my son?” Are my husband and I giving him the experiences and opportunities to experience things that will shape him to become the person we hope him to be? If the team wins or loses, will he use the experience to grow in a positive direction?  I don’t know the answer, but I do feel like I’m better understanding where my nerves stem from.

Parenting is full of worry and angst. When moments of success happen (your child succeeds at something) there is a moment of — I’m a pretty okay parent. Moments when they make a mistake, falter or fail can make you feel like maybe you’re not as great a parent as you think you are. I see my role as a teacher for my boys. Help them learn, grow (through missteps) and have success. It’s priceless when it happens.

I’ll never forget watching my son’s team win the local championship. The shear joy radiating across his face was magical. I know my nerves will return watching him in the regionals, but I’m glad I understand what’s behind them. And despite the outcome of the game, I’ll be there for him — to celebrate with him or pick him up.

What’s behind your nerves as a parent?

 

Back to School Jitters — Parent Edition

Posted on by

0

When your child started back to school did you feel nervous?

Feeling nervous as a parent was a surprise to me, yet I’ve experienced it every new school year. When my oldest son started kindergarten I was nervous but thought it was natural because he was moving from pre-school to elementary, he’d be with new people, have more structure and more expectations put upon him. I worried if he’d fit in and make friends, and be safe, and like his teacher…you get the picture. I was caught off guard when I was nervous when he entered first grade the following year. He knew the school and most of his classmates. He did have a new teacher, but the school is small and most of the kids (and parents) know the faculty. The pattern has repeated over the years. Each new school year creates a bit of anxiety and nerves for me, the parent, on the first day. What is going on? Why am I still nervous? Parents aren’t supposed to get nervous, right? I thought. Clearly I was wrong.

Upon reflection, I realized there were several reasons why a parent may be nervous:

  • You care about your child and worry about them making (or keeping) friends and fitting in
  • You worry about them having a positive learning environment
  • You care about how your child does in school, and how you as the parent, are helping your child be successful–trying to figure out how to accomplish this (helping with homework, etc.) and keeping up with all your other responsibilities would make anyone nervous (e.g. how am I going to do this (again)?)
  • You care about your own friendships–do you mesh with your child’s classmates parents? It seems so trivial, but feeling like you are part of a school community not only forces your child to make friends, but forces the parents to also. It takes effort and precious time. Will other parents like me? How will I fit in?
  • You relive your own childhood through your child(ren) in many ways. A new school year, at least for me, takes me back to the fear I used to have when I was growing up–would people like me, was my teacher going to be nice, did anyone notice the effort I put into my new outfit? 🙂

We grow up with our kids. We learn patience and better appreciate what matters in life. I dropped my sons off at school, and marveled at how well they handled it, how well I handled it. The nerves slipped away quickly, but I know they’ll be back next year.

How do you experience the new school year with your child? If you have any tips for how to calm your child’s nerve, please share.