Category Archives: Independence

Small Victories

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As my youngest nears the time of moving out after high school, I’m keenly aware of things I still want to teach him before he leaves us. While there is likely sage wisdom I’d like to impart, he’s at the age where he is sometimes open to it, and sometimes isn’t, which I can relate to, as I remember being his age and thinking I had most things figured out (ha!).

I’ve decided to assist him in becoming better prepared for success in his increasing independence, as he is open to my guidance in this area.

He had a prescription that needed to be refilled. He came out and asked me to call in the refill. You can guess what happened next. 😉 I suggested he call in the Rx. He wanted to do it with me present. We listened to the prompts, he entered the prescription number and got it submitted.

Imagine my surprise when a month or so later, I see him walk into the kitchen with his prescription and dials the pharmacy. He never says a word to me, he just does it. I suppress my enthusiasm at him being proactive and completing the task on his own. The next day I mention to him I need to run out to pick up something from the store and he asks if I would pick up his medication. He smiles — proud of himself and likely knows how happy it makes me that he filled the prescription on his own and I smile too. 😊 Small victories. One more step towards independence.

The best part was picking up the medication. I know our pharmacist well, and know she’s a fellow mom. “I’m so proud. My son submitted his refill all on his own. I know he’s old enough to do it, but I’m beyond thrilled,” I shared. She reiterated stories of older kids, including college graduates that come in and don’t know how to do this. She told me to tell my son she was proud of himself too.

I didn’t impart great wisdom to my child, but some information that will give him confidence as he gets ready to move into the world.

What small victories bring a small to your face?

Exceeding Expectations

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When did your child last exceed your expectations?

My youngest, who is on the spectrum, is doing an exchange in a foreign country. Spectrum kids has several gifts that make them special including knowing their likes and dislikes, ability to concentrate (on likes with ease) and challenges being vocal about dislikes, having a harder time engaging in dislikes. You know that filter you get as you grow up that tells you when to be honest and when to hold your tongue? My son doesn’t really have that. He’s sometimes brutally honest with no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings, but just speaking his mind. 😬

I wondered when he left how he’d fare doing an exchange. We had the exchange student come here first so my son and he could get better acquainted. My husband and I have set out to have our kids be independent, and tried to give them confidence in their capabilities and pushing their comfort zones. I thought going overseas would be good “comfort zones” pushing for my son.

I knew when my son went overseas he’d be asked to do things he might not like doing — going places he’s not particularly interested in, or to try something (food, activity) he would prefer not to. I was mildly concerned he might struggle, and when he gets overwhelmed it can be difficult to experience (tears and/or anger). Would he be overly honest?

When he arrived in France, he sent a text message and a photo. The host mom sends me pics now and then too, which helps. He asked the following day when we should talk, and I recommended we talk one day over the weekend. He agreed. If he is struggling in any way, he’s doing a great job of keeping it from us. I expected to potentially hear from the host mom of some issues, but so far, there’s been nothing other than how his French is coming along. 😊

This is the first time he’s been away for us for this long, with a family he barely knows. It would be challenging for most of us to adjust, but he’s exceeding our expectations and seems to be thriving. He does text with pics from the day (if they did any exploring), but the messages and exchanges are short implying he wants to share vs needs to share and/or is struggling, He continues to amaze me as he grows. I, too often, think something may be more difficult, or too big a challenge for him and he proves me wrong. I hope he keeps doing that (along with me realizing, he is doing the work that will allow him not only independence, but an ability to thrive on his own).

When did your child last exceed your expectations? How are you adjusting your mindset or approach to your child as a result?

Mom’s Cleaning Bootcamp

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My kids can clean, but it’s most often met with resistance. Particularly with my oldest.

My oldest will be moving into his first apartment in the coming weeks, and sharing the space with five friends. I told him I’d need to take him through cleaning bootcamp before he moves in — reminding him how to do tasks he hasn’t often done — scrub the sink, clean the shower, vacuum, mop. Honestly I feel we have success when he puts the sheets on his bed after they’ve been cleaned (he has no problem doing his own laundry — it’s the ‘putting away things’ that’s a challenge). 🤦‍♀️

This is one more milestone for him growing into adulthood — can he care for his space? He has never been tidy — I’ll own not forcing being clean onto him. Though my husband and I both told our kids the benefits putting things where they belong and sanitizing things or spaces that are dirty — how it makes you feel when you live in a clean space, helps deter critters and insects, and influences how others see you (right or wrong) — it seems to have had little impact regarding a change in behavior.

I can remember seeing my now husband’s house when we were dating. I was impressed he owned a home, and the space was immaculate with the exception of a coffee table with more magazines scattered across it than I had seen before. Being impressed turned to a little red flag — what was the consolidated mess about? Maybe it was an unrealized rebellion for him (having to always be clean given his time in the military), or maybe it was being tired or it just not bothering him and the way he wanted it, but it did catch my attention. I was fine being with someone who was a little messy, but a lot would likely have been a deal killer for me.

Thinking on it now, he still has a space or two that is untidy (his chair in the living room could second as a library with all the books stacked on the arms, and his chair in our bedroom — laundry central (normally what needs to be ironed)). I have my own spaces that sometimes get cluttered, but I get to a point more quickly in getting it cleared and cleaned — it just makes me feel better.

I’ll take my son through Mom’s Cleaning Bootcamp and hopefully he’ll get a better appreciation for taking care of his space while living with others. It will determine if I visit or not and my guess is he’d be good with me not coming over (potentially embarrassing him in front of his friends) regardless of how clean the place is anyways — so not sure I’ll ever know. 😂

How do you motivate your child to clean?

Summer Celebration

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Are you ready for the Fourth?

It’s been a flurry of activity with the school year ending, our exchange student leaving, and transitioning into summer. I’d equate it to a high-intensity training session and we’re now in the cool-down/recovery period. 😅

We are gearing up for the Fourth though I anticipate it being more low-key for us this year, with some family members on the road, and no need (or energy?) to try to make something spectacular happen. Kind of a bummer. Kids and the Fourth tend to be some of my happiest memories.

The Fourth is usually associated with family, friends, community, and celebrating our country with food and fireworks. I’m reminded of parades we’ve participated in or BBQs we’ve hosted or attended. Each feeling special in how that brought so many people together.

How will you be celebrating the Fourth? What summer celebrations do you look most forward to?

I’ll be taking time off over the holiday weekend and back mid-July. Happy Fourth!

Win or Lose

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It’s how you play the game, right?

I recently watched Win or Lose on Disney+. It’s about a coed middle school softball team where each episode focuses on a character and their point of view and emotions during the season.

I was taken in with how well written and clever the show is. In my opinion, it captures well feelings of insecurity and how we deal with it, protecting yourself (from being emotionally let down) with armor, what your heart and mind go through when you’re romantically interested in someone, juggling multiple things, being overwhelmed, and sometimes letting things explode (after you get so puffed up you almost blow away) when you can’t take it anymore; and more.

Anytime I watch TV that pulls me in like this—where I think, this is good, anyone can learn from this or see themselves in this (perhaps at a younger age)—I want to share it with my family, and talk about it. Did they have the same experience I did? Was there anything they took away from it, I missed?

The only problem is I’ve entered the phase in parenting where me asking my kids to watch a show is met with resistance. Either my endorsement doesn’t hold much weight 😂, or by not wanting to watch the show my kids are demonstrating their independence. I hope it’s the latter.

The best part about Win or Lose, is by the end of the show you don’t really care or need to know who wins the game. It was really about how they played the game. And as the Coach in the show would say something along the lines of, “we win when everyone tried their best.” So true.

Parenting and life is much the same. It’s not something we win or lose, but how we show up and try our best everyday.

What shows have spoken to you and your family?

Time to Fly

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What time(s) have been hard for you to let your kid go? For me, those times included:

• First day of daycare — leaving him in someone else’s care

• First time with a babysitter

• First day of school (kindergarten, elementary school, middle and high school)

• First time spending the night away from home

• First time traveling by himself

• First time driving by himself

And now, the biggest shift, is my son living away from home for the first time. My oldest isn’t far, but we’ve encouraged him to treat this opportunity to live on his own as a growing experience — him understanding what he’s capable of, him learning more about himself and how he wants to show up in the world, and gaining confidence around his growing independence — and that means, living away from us, problem solving on his own, and working through any discomfort he is experiencing (new place and people).

The moments leading up to him being officially moved out were peppered with excitement for him and worry, and second guessing for me (he’s going to be okay? We’ve prepared him for this, right?). How has 18 years gone so quickly? The years race through my mind every time I think about it.

We were fortunate to be given a booklet to help my husband, I and our son adjust to the change, as we move from “parenting” to coach, and supporter. The booklet had us discuss values (my son and my husband and mine), with the goal of giving all of us clarity on what our son’s values are and how, by knowing this, we can better support him. It also had us talk through expectations and ensure we’d discussed everything from what we expected (or didn’t) of him from his behavior, accomplishments, drugs, alcohol, and sex. I so wish my parents had had this information at their fingertips when I first was on my own.

My hope is that we’ve provided (or are providing) our boys roots with wings. During a final hug at the train station, I told my son, “you’ve got this.” It was important for him to know we believe in him. He knows he can do it too, but like anytime you make a sizable change you can feel a little unsteady. Allowing yourself to adjust to the change is often the toughest (and should I say ‘scariest’) part.

I have to adjust now too, to allowing my oldest to fly, make his own choices and mistakes, and not jump in to problem solve for or ‘save’ him. This moment is bittersweet. If I did my job as a parent he’ll figure out how to soar. I have to mourn the end of this part of our parenting journey, and adjust to what comes next.

What parenting phase are you in? How do you adjust to new phases as they arise?

Back to School – Highs and Lows

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What do you like best about your child going back to school?

Over the years, the highs and lows have changed. When they were young, highs included them being under someone else’s care, learning, and growing; lows – potentially missing new things they did, not being with them all the time.

In elementary, highs were having them learn, build social skills, and get out energy. 😊 Lows – all the paperwork required to be filled out by the school and before and after care, countless demands on time (carpooling, errands, work!), and exhaustion.

Middle school, highs were watching our boys mature, and pushed to grow intellectually, physically, and mentally. Lows – paperwork!, demands on time, and seeing my boys start to separate (stepping into independence).

High school, highs include seeing my boys grow into their adult bodies, become young adults, and more independent. Lows – paperwork!, more separation, puberty at full strength (p-u!), and awareness of them one day leaving the nest.

Our oldest is off to college. Highs – seeing his excitement in the prospect of being a full-fledged adult. Lows – not being able to see him, know what he’s up to, or what’s on his mind. I know I can communicate with him whenever I want, but believe this is the moment I need to push my bird from the nest…let him make the necessary adjustments (without my help), so he can fly. I know he can do it, and as hard as it will be for me, I can too.

What are your highs and lows as your child grows?

Whose House is This?

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Anyone else worried about letting your older teen housesit while you’re out of town?

Our oldest decided to forego joining us on a family trip so he could work and make money. We respected his decision though we’re bummed he wouldn’t be joining us. My husband and I agreed him staying behind, watching the house, and caring for our family pet would be a good opportunity for him to be on his own with responsibilities and no one to pick up the slack for him.

There were two things I was concerned about — us coming back to the house being dirty (because we have been unsuccessful getting our son to clean to the standards we do), and a lesser one to him having a party and not so much what he would do, but people that might come over and what they would do. My fear may have been heightened from a recent viewing of the play Mean Girls that my youngest participated in. There is a scene in the play (which is based on the movie) of a house party where the kids sing, “Whose house is it? It’s my house now! Who house is it? It’s my house now!” Funny for the play. Terrifying for the parent whose older child, who will be watching the house, is sitting next to them. 😬 The song had him smiling from ear-to-ear.

Before we left for our trip, we went over things he needed to stay on top of and discussed having friends over being fine, but a party not being okay. He talked about the risks of partying (people getting hurt, property destroyed, etc.). We tried not to lay it on too thick, but present him with facts in the hopes he’d make choices he felt good about.

We checked in with him daily. We could tell he had mixed feelings (as did we) about not being with us. Enjoying being on his own with no one to answer to (at least in the moment) and missing us (even if it was only just a tiny bit). Towards the end of our trip, our son shared how he was growing bored on his own, and feeling a bit lonely. We encouraged him to reach out to friends, or busy himself with things around the house, or just get outside for a walk or a run to break-up the day. We shared with him the growth he was experiencing and how this adjustment time was good for him to figure out how to spend his time and not waste or worry it away.

It was great to return and find no party occurred (or there was a heck of a cleaning job), but the dirt (though not as extensive as I feared) was there. Phew! Our son proved our trust in us, and more importantly in himself. Now, if I could just get that song out of my head.

Anyone else let their teen housesit? What stories or insights can you share?

Growing, Growing, Gone

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How prepared is your child to go off on their own?

Our youngest decided to go to an overnight camp on the other side of the country. Worrisome enough for any parent, but throw in the fact that he’s 16, going on his own, and wanted to explore the transit in a large urban area he hadn’t explored (as much as he wanted) before made my nerves go through the roof. Not because my son isn’t capable — he navigated the tube in London flawlessly without ever consulting a map, but because he was going to be doing this on his own. What if he ran into a problem? Or people who were looking to take advantage of a younger person? It helps that my son is tall and people often think he is older than he is, but that can go both ways (good/bad) too. He showed us his itinerary and what he planned to do on his day in the city before the camp came and picked him up.

My husband and I spent time prepping my son. Bringing up scenarios and asking how he would handle or what he would do if he got into a situation where he needed help. It was a moment where we had to let him g(r)o(w) regardless how hard it was for us.

Because my son was going to the other coast there was a time difference and he would already be well on his journey before we woke up. He kept us posted on his stays, checking his luggage, paying train tickets, what routes he was on, etc. via text. I was calm but nervous. I looked forward to him being with the camp folks knowing he was safe.

The day went on, he was fine, and the camp got him safely mid-afternoon. I was relieved, and so proud of my son being able to do what he did. That night when we talked he shared how kind people had been, and how fortunate he’d been to make (train) connections and do all that he did. “We’re proud of you, you know?,” I said as we talked that evening, “but you should be even more proud of what you did yourself. You now know you can do this, and if traveling is something you want to do more of, you took a big step towards doing that.” He smiled and shared that he was proud of himself.

Gaining independence and confidence as you grow helps lessen the scariness of leaving the nest. Even though this mother bird still wants to protect her kids, I know I have to let them g(r)o(w).

How are you helping your child grow confidence in their abilities and independence?

Happy 4th. I’ll be away enjoying time with family and back later in July.

Disagreement Among Friends

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When was the last time you got into a disagreement with a good friend?

My oldest and his best friend got into a disagreement. I only know this because my son wanted to talk to me when he woke up (and when my oldest wants to talk you know something is on his mind). I asked him what was going on. “We got into a fight. I don’t think I owe him an apology and don’t think did anything wrong.”

I listened to his side of the story. His best friend and he were going to hang out after work. My son got an offer from a co-worker (his age) to do something after work. My son let his best friend know his plans had changed and they likely wouldn’t be able to hang out (several hours before they were supposed to meet). He thought it wasn’t a big deal and his best friend wouldn’t care, but it did matter because when my son reached out to tell his best friend to have a good time with someone else the following day his best friend replied, “screw you.” Clearly his friend was hurt.

We talked about changing roles and if he were his friend and his friend him would he have felt the same — hurt. Possibly, my son said. Had he thought about why he was digging in to not apologizing to his best friend — was it the need to be right? Or he really didn’t think he’d done anything wrong? We talked about he and his friend nearing a crossroads in their lives — the end of high school and their lives possibly taking them different places. It can be an unsettling time — what does the future hold, what will happen with the friendship that has meant so much, and what if this person is no longer in my life?

Growing up, becoming more independent, and figuring out who you are can feel scary and overwhelming at times, and the realization that you’ll be soon leaving the cocoon of youth terrifying and exciting.

I offered some different ways my son can try to work through this issue with his friend without necessarily apologizing — ‘you seem upset and I want you to better understand why, let’s talk when you’ve cooled down (or are ready).’ We talked about the need in any relationship to have hard conversations to gain better insight and find a path to resolution — whether that means the relationship stays in tact or not.

Losing a friend is always hard, fighting for a friendship (or relationship) can be harder, but you typically have a sense for the ones worth making the effort to save — whether you apologize or just hear each other out. Respecting each other enough to work through your differences and make it through to the other side.

How do you resolve issues with a friend (or spouse)? How are you helping your child when they have disagreements with their friend(s)?

I will be off next week celebrating Easter with family and friends and return in April.