Category Archives: Helping Your Child

Pay Day

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What questions come up in your family about money?

When our kids were young, my husband and I agreed we wanted to teach our kids about money, saving, investing, and planning for their futures.

A Scout merit badge helped us educate our sons during a summer trip to Yosemite. But that was one conversation, and we all know that to learn and really comprehend something you have to either hear it over and over, or experience it for yourself.

My youngest is starting to think about work and what he might due to earn money while he’s still in high school. After talking about places he might like to work, the conversation turned to how frequently you get paid. That started a conversation we haven’t had in a while. Our oldest is an hourly worker and gets paid weekly. My husband and I have different pay schedules (bi-weekly and monthly). The kids were very interested in the salaried jobs (you get the same amount of money whether you work 40 hours or 60?!?), and overtime (they like the thought of more $$$). It was an unexpected conversation but a good and needed one. Knowledge is power, right?

How are you teaching your child about earning, saving, and planning for their future?

Decisions

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Certain decisions in our life can have big(ger) consequences than others. I’ve shared before about how my oldest is figuring out where he wants to go after high school — college or trade route.

He ended up applying to a couple of universities and is starting to get decisions from them. His most recent was a deferment. He was crushed (which makes me think he’s more interested in going to college than he’s let on), but we reminded him the school is still reviewing his application and there is still a chance he’ll get in.

The bigger thing I wanted him to take away from all of this is to think of where he goes next in different terms. If he doesn’t get accepted, maybe it will allow another student who will benefit more than he would (based on opportunities he has that others may not) from going to that school; or that the school may not be where he needs to be (I believe we are put where we need to be even when we can’t understand it at the time — I get this may be flawed thinking but it helps me in trying times). I also shared if he has his heart set on this school, he can go to another school for his first two years and then transfer. He has options, many others don’t.

Still, I feel for him. Rejection (real or perceived) is painful. He will learn from this (and his own resilience), regardless of what happens. I just continue to remind myself to walk with him as long as he’ll allow me to.

How do you support your child through a disappointing experience?

I’ll be off next week and back in March.

Laser Focused

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What is your child into?

My youngest is passionate about public transportation and envisions himself working in this field. His passion, knowledge, and desire to learn more and make a positive impact in this field is inspiring. One of the super powers kids on the spectrum have is being clear on their likes and dislikes.

He has submitted an application to attend a specialized camp in this field, it’s competitive and unclear to us how many other potential campers he might be competing with. The application required him to share why he wanted to go to the camp and what he hoped to gain. He also had to get references. The application felt more like he was applying to college than a camp quite honestly. It was a good exercise though. It forced my son to get clearer on how to articulate why he wants this (attending this camp), and what he hopes to gain from the experience. It’s been so long since I was his age, I forgot how little you know at that age (on wording and phrasing), and needing help to take what’s in your mind down on paper so that the reader can understand.

My son also struggled with the references from two perspectives—identifying who would be good references and how to get the person to actually agree to be a reference. He struggled with what I think most of us do — understanding people see our positive traits and are more than willing to share their thoughts with others, vs. it brings a burden or causes an inconvenience. We worked on him identifying the references (two teachers and a community member), and helped him craft emails to reach out and make the ask. He was nervous asking, but thrilled when everyone he reached out to came back quickly agreeing to be a reference and one going as far as providing a written recommendation. It was wonderful to see his joy.

We don’t know if he’ll get into the camp, but are optimistic. Regardless of what happens he’s gained some skills (articulating his desires, asking for support), and knowledge (he can do it, and people are willing to help support). If he stays laser focused on continuing to grow in these areas, I believe he’ll be just fine. 🥰

How are you helping them to grow through their interest(s)?

New Year – New Day

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Any New Year’s resolutions?

Not here. Resolution by definition is deciding to do or not do something. I resolved not to make any resolutions when it seemed to cause me more stress than hope for positive change.

I’ve never encouraged my sons to make resolutions either. When my sons were young, we talked about how a new day brings an opportunity to start over — whether that’s in school, at home, in extra curricular activities, with others, etc. Knowing each day is a reset seems to soothe tough situations — getting upset, getting in trouble, struggling with anything (school work, assembling or taking apart a toy, trying something new or hard, etc.). Trying to do better, be better — whether that’s learning something new; being kind(er), or empathetic towards others; having patience; allowing yourself to feel your feelings; working through feelings; and the list goes on — is a daily goal I think we all should have.

As much as I’d like to think I know, I’m aware there is always more to learn. I work on this daily, whether it’s with coworkers, the boys I’m raising, my spouse, friends I engage with, and anyone else I interact with. I think ‘what went well’ (e.g., keep it up), ‘where was there a misstep or area I can I improve?’ (E.g., how can I improve in a future situation – listen more? Be more patient? Feel my feelings?, and work through them before responding?, etc.). It’s helpful for me, and a constant. I don’t stress about it because my goal is always the same — allow myself to notice how I ‘show up to others’, so I can not only be better but show up in life like I want to. I trying to arm my kids with this tool as well.

What do you resolve to do this new day or New Year?

Soar like an Eagle

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When last did you see your child soar?

My oldest, surprisingly to his father and I, decided to go for his Eagle Scout rank (Boys Scouts of America). My husband had earned his, and something about scouts appealed to my son. My husband took him to his first meeting years ago and thought our son would attend maybe one or two meetings and call it quits, but he didn’t. The skills and life lessons were what seemed to appeal to him.

I’d like to say my husband and I had a handle on how best to teach our boys all the life lessons we wanted to pass on, but we were wrong. Scouts gained our child’s interest in learning skills in a way that wouldn’t have occurred by mom and dad trying to educate (lecture?) them. I can see my son’s eyes rolling if we’d taken this approach. Instead, getting merit badges with counselors who held him accountable with what was needed and timelines to complete motivated our son. He was eager to learn and demonstrate proficiency. A favorite memory was talking to him and his brother in a car trip through Yellowstone National Park. There were long periods of time in the car. We talked about finances — saving for retirement, a house. Rent vs buying, the pros and cons, and what goes into each and more. He and his brother were very interested in learning and asked great questions. My husband and I were aware of how special that discussion was.

Scouting gave him leadership opportunities, a requirement to move up, that he took, learned and benefited from. His life skills continuing to grow. After completing the required merit badges and leadership position he needed to complete his Eagle Scout project which I previously blogged about. It was a steep learning curve for my son, but he completed the task.

The last requirement was going in front of a board to demonstrate proficiency and assess what had been learned and gained from the scout’s experience. My son prepared and wanted to do his best. Helping him get ready was another opportunity for my husband and I to teach him another valuable life skill — interviewing and being prepared (part of the Scout Motto) for unexpected questions he might get asked.

The review was done via video. My husband and I sat in another room anxiously awaiting to hear from our son and how the review went. He came out and was disappointed in how he did. You could see the stress in his face — did he just blow his chance for Eagle rank by how he’d answered the questions? While my son was stressed, my husband and I were not. The board review was more of a formality and unless he behaved out of character (being rude or disrespectful) the rank would be awarded. “They want to talk to you here in a few minutes.” We attempted to comfort him, but he convinced himself that bad news was coming. As we thought, the Scout leaders called us in and shared our son had earned his Eagle rank and we should be very proud. We were. I felt a combination of pride, relief, along with a smidge of sadness. Pride in our son seeing this through. Relief in that this was behind him and he no longer needed to worry about requirements and timelines. Sad in our son no longer having the prompt of earning a merit badge to engage with him and teach him a life skill.

He has the skills Scouts gave him to soar. I look forward to seeing him take flight.

What are skills you want to impart on your child? How are you helping them succeed (take flight)?

It’s Going to Be Okay

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‘It’s going to be okay’ is a phrase that has gotten me through many a difficult situation. Hearing from my parent, when I was young, or my husband now, has always given me comfort.

My oldest had a test that was stressing him out. He was struggling with some of the concepts being taught and was concerned he wouldn’t do well on the test. We talked about what he could do to prepare in advance. That helped ease his anxiety slightly but it was still there. He took the test, and the teacher had the students take pictures of their work which they emailed in. It was an additional step to handing in the test to a proctor. My son came home. He was relieved that the test had gone much better than expected, but stressed because he realized in his desire to leave the testing area as soon as possible after turning in the test, he realized he hadn’t gotten clear pictures of all of his work. “Mom, the pages that didn’t come through equal 20% of my grade.” He sat down, put his head in his hands and said, “how will I ever be able to live on my own?” That statement caught my attention. I can understand being stressed about a mistake you’ve made that might result in something negative happening to you (such as getting a poor grade), but thought him extrapolating this to not being able to go out on his own an extreme thought.

We talked about the situation at hand first. I asked him what he could do to rectify the situation. He shared he’d already emailed the teacher and we discussed him going back to the test site to see if the proctor would allow him to retake the pictures of his work (he went back, but the proctor wouldn’t allow him access to his test). I then shared my own experience and how sometimes in life I catch myself wanting to leave a situation (for discomfort, I want to get to the next thing, or a variety of other reasons) and I can make mistakes in those situations. I asked my son, “how am I able to keep going if I know I might do this? I’ve lived on my own for a while and I’ve never been concerned in my ability to successfully do that. Why is that?” I smiled and he did too. It didn’t take him long to come back with the correct answer, “you learned from your mistake.” I told him that he was right and shared that even though I still “do things fast” on occasion, I do them less frequently than when I was younger and I try to catch myself in the moment and tell myself to “slowdown”. I finished by telling him that no matter the outcome of the test everything was going to be okay. I told him, “it might not feel like it now, but I promise you everything will be okay.” A poor grade can be overcome with improved work and extra credit (assuming the teacher allows). Absolute worst case is he fails the class and has to take it over. While the scenarios might not seem fun, they were all something that could be addressed. Not long after we finished our conversation my son shared that he’d heard from his teacher who told him not to worry about it, he was more concerned with the work being shown on the test, than the actual pictures coming through and being clear. It had indeed ended up being okay.

How do you help your child work through a mistake they’ve made? How do you let them know things will work out or be okay?

Feeling Lost

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Have you ever felt lost as a parent?

Feeling lost, when you’re a new parent, is very common. You’re learning as you go. If you’re like me, you settle into the role (at some point) and feel more confident in your capabilities, though you know you never have all the tools, guidance, knowledge, or wisdom you need. You do your best, and when you mess up, you acknowledge your mistake, make amends (if needed), learn, and do something different going forward.

I felt a new kind of lost this past week. Wanting to support my oldest as he advocated for himself around how he wanted to contribute to his football team, and wanting to help him not make a mistake — leave something he loved doing because in-the-moment he wasn’t sure if his passion for it was still there or not. I tried balancing listening, making myself available to talk, giving advice, holding my tongue, and supporting him. I worked to be aware and walk with him (great advice a friend gave me months ago), versus steer him one way or another. It was so very hard.

He talked to his coaches, he decided he no longer wanted to play. As a parent, I was concerned, not that he didn’t want to play, but that he might regret not playing at some point (this season or years down the road). His coaches talked to him some more and asked him to reconsider. We (my son and I) talked more, I gave more advice (reminding myself to walk beside, not steer), I waited — so hard. He notified the coaches his decision was final. That worried me, what if he changed his mind in a few weeks? He had set the proverbial bridge on fire with his coaches, they wouldn’t beg him to play.

My son then went to turn in his gear. He was gone longer than I expected. I waited. When he got home I could see he was happy, a happy I hadn’t seen in a while. Not a relieved happy, but a “I’m at peace” happy. I asked him how it went and he shared he’d talked to the coaches and they asked him if he’d like to help out with the team — do filming, help with equipment, and coaching. He loved that idea and agreed to stay on the team in that capacity. It felt like an answer to prayers (and there were a lot of them from this worrying mom😊). It was unexpected, and yet such a great alternative for my son.

What I took away from all this was my son is becoming his own man, my thoughts/guidance/advice were welcome this time, but only because we walked through this (his father as well) together. If I was lost (as a parent), I grew by letting my son own his decision, and supporting him through the process.

So much of parenting feels new at the beginning, but I’m finding as my son reaches adulthood, the new keeps on coming. I’m curious what other new parenting growth is on the horizon for me, but am in no rush to find out. I’ll just keep on walking for now.

What growth have you experienced as a parent lately?

I’ll be off for Labor Day weekend and back in September.

Instagram Catfish

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My youngest is on the spectrum and struggles making strong connection with his peers. This can be especially hard when you’re a teen, going through puberty, exploring your sexuality, and becoming more independent.

Our youngest son is one of the most ‘innocent’ people you could meet. His emotional intelligence is through the roof (he has empathy that is beyond compare), he loves animals, and spends countless hours online learning about world geography, other cultures, transit systems, and follows politics. He has very little interest in things I think most parents of teens fear — nudity/pornography, alcohol, or drugs.

My husband and I are aware our sons are on Instagram, but thought it too, particularly for our youngest, was innocent. We found out we had reason for concern when my husband saw our youngest son texting (chat function) with another user and appeared to be trying to hide what he was messaging from his father. My husband decided to inquire who our son was talking to while we were at the dinner table. My son got very quiet and seemed embarrassed. He shared he had started to confide some of his secrets to this stranger including his wants and desires because it felt ‘safe.’ When we challenged our son on who this person was, how old, etc., we learned this person was in their 30s. I appreciated my son’s honesty but was beside myself, as we’ve talked to our boys about being online and never sharing information or trusting who is on the other end, especially if you haven’t met or seen them in-person. I was more upset by the adult on the other end who allowed/continued the conversation even though he knew my son (based on his age being on his profile) was underage. Beyond the emotions I was experiencing, I could see how lonely my son felt, and how he’d been looking for an outlet to share his feelings and thoughts with others. outside mom and dad, and while I get it, it still terrified me.

My son realized the errors of his ways, blocked this ‘friend’ and gave me his login information so we can monitor the app and ensure he’s connecting safely with others his own age. He wants his independence but realizes he lost some of our trust but hiding this from us. We’ve always advocated for our kids to talk to us about anything and everything, even if it’s uncomfortable (for them or us, especially us (meaning my husband and I)). He feels like he lets us down, and we feel like we let him down (how didn’t we know?, how could we or should we have been helping him?, etc.).

We talked about making mistakes, that’s how we learn and grow, and while he’s becoming more independent, he still has knowledge to gain. He agreed, though still feeling embarrassed and ‘stupid’ for not knowing better. We just reminded him now he does.

Social media, like any technology has its pros and cons. I like that it allows users to connect on their interests or passions. I’m not a fan of some of the unforeseen risks inherent with letting younger folks (whose frontal lobe hasn’t fully formed) converse easily with folks who may be legit, or may be a catfish.

I’m still working to recalibrate my brain around what we learned. Some of my son’s innocence is gone, but I should expect that with age. I’m reminded I need to stay on top of how my son is connecting with others and getting his needs met (e.g., making friends that allow his to be himself, share openly, trust with secrets), and what my husband and I (and his therapist) can do to help.

How do you keep a pulse on your teen’s interactions on social media? How are you helping them know the dangers, while giving them freedom to explore who they are and their interests?

Walking Beside

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My oldest is becoming a young adult and thinking through what they want to do beyond high school. As I’ve previously shared, I thought college for them was a given, and they don’t share that view (though their view tends to change from day to day). 😊

It was helpful being with a large group of our friends (we were celebrating one of their birthdays). As we sat together we raised the issue, shared our concerns, and sought other points of view and feedback. One friend offered this was our opportunity to “walk with” our son on his journey as he continues to figure out who he is and wants to be. That was so helpful for me to hear and think about. It reminded me not to try to control, manipulate, or be passive aggressive about the situation with my son out of fear, but to have more open dialogue with our son, set a plan to help him make the best decision for himself (my husband’s idea—brilliant). We want him to know he’s supported and loved by us no matter what.

It’s tough when you have to let go—let your child test the waters, earn their wings and fly. They’ll make mistakes—it’s the only way we learn and grow. I just need to walk beside him. Not carry him. Not push him. Just walk beside. It’s something new I’m learning, but already feeling optimistic about my own growth as a parent of an almost-adult child. It’s a transition and definitely not easy for me.

How are you helping your child be more independent? How are you supporting goals they have that don’t align with your vision for them?

Relief

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How did COVID impact you and your family?

I feel like my family was one of the lucky ones. We have a house (vs small space), with a yard, and an ability to get out and walk around our neighborhood without issue. I know for many others this would have been a luxury during COVID. I’m still coming to terms with the impact it had on our kids (we all are). How did this disruption change their course in life, or did it? How many of them are dealing with undiagnosed stress, anxiety, etc.? Including my own kids. They appear fine, but what if they aren’t?

A big part of parenting is helping your child and trying to keep them safe. COVID threw us all into unchartered waters and it feels like we’ll be finding out the true impact of the pandemic in the coming years. The pandemic impacted/continues to impact all of us.

Like many health care workers during the pandemic, our youngest son’s therapist decided to leave the profession. They needed a change. We couldn’t fault them. Finding a new psychologist for our son proved challenging—therapists not taking new clients, long wait lists, and more. And the days of “seeing if the therapist is a good fit” seem long gone, when you feel fortunate to have gotten an appointment with anyone at all.

After many calls, emails, and follow-up calls and emails, and research. We found someone for our son. What a relief. At least for now. My son is getting to know the therapist, and we’re providing feedback to them on what’s working for my son and what isn’t. What gives you even more relief is my son being advocating for himself and his therapist being open to the feedback.

How did the pandemic impact your child? What brings you relief now that we’re coming out of it?

I will be stepping away to enjoy Spring Break with the family and back later this month.