Category Archives: Friendship

New Connection

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Have you made any new parent friends lately?

My parent friend group has been fairly stagnant for a while. I’m grateful for my friends, and am always on the lookout for new connections, but struggle with time and putting in the energy needed to create and foster new relationships.

I had the good fortune of being on a business trip and happened to connect with a peer I didn’t know very well. We connected after my visit with the intention of following up on some items we covered, but ended up spending most of our time connecting over parenting — sharing approaches, insights, intention, and challenges. It was a vulnerable conversation—they shared with me and I with them and we quickly formed a connection that surprised me in the best way possible.

We ended our conversation promising to stay in touch and sharing how much we both got out of our talk. It made me so happy.

Friendships, support, connections — it comes in many forms but has such a huge impact in my life. Your’s too, right? 🥰

How do your connections impact you? What new parent friends have you made lately?

The Gift of Connection

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Friends and loved ones, those you have meaningful connections with, creating a sending of belonging and joy.

My youngest struggles with making these types of connections, common for those with autism. He does have a core groups of friends he made in middle school, and a best friend he’s known since elementary but only got close to within the last few years.

When our exchange student arrived, it took her a few days and weeks to get comfortable in our home. My husband and I would fall asleep before the kids would and we learned months in that our exchange student and youngest son would have late night chats in the living room. Our exchange student shares would concern, silly things that happened or hopes, and my son would share the same. Over time, you could see a strong sibling bonding forming. They care about each other and are interested in how the other is doing.

Unbeknownst to my son, this was great practice for him in what meaningful relationships look like. His older brother and he would talk (when his brother lived at home), but was more guarded in what he shared, so while the practice my youngest experienced with our exchange student was much more impactful. I can see his growth when he is out with his friends. I’m grateful for the gift our exchange student gave our son while she was with us. We are missing her dearly since she’s returned home.

How do friendship and connections impact your child?

Love is in the Air

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How was your Valentine’s Day?

Around the dinner table we noted Valentine’s Day was coming up. We asked our exchange student if this was a day celebrated in Spain. She said it wasn’t, but she was intrigued by the notion. We talked about how a lot of holidays in America are commercialized and sometimes feel forced vs. enjoyable. She sighed as she noted she didn’t have a boyfriend (though I suspect she easily could if she wanted).

She asked how many Valentines I’d had over the years. “Not many,” I replied. Thankfully being married to my husband took my stress over being untethered off my “things to worry about (for no good reason)” off the board many years ago. It’s terrible (IMO) how much weight we put on this holiday and how much anxiety, or disappointment it can bring. It should be fun, but it can too often feel like pressure. And it can kill confidence in some of the most confident people I know (my younger self included).

She and her friends decided to celebrate the day together, sharing homemade treats, watching movies, and having fun. Love takes many forms, but having fun with people you truly enjoy being around and care about (perhaps love, though not romantically) is better than just about anything else. Don’t get me wrong, I love flowers. But shared experiences, where you laugh and make fond memories are pretty special.

How does your child feel about Valentine’s Day?

I will be off next week enjoying sometime off with the family and will be back in March.

Disagreement Among Friends

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When was the last time you got into a disagreement with a good friend?

My oldest and his best friend got into a disagreement. I only know this because my son wanted to talk to me when he woke up (and when my oldest wants to talk you know something is on his mind). I asked him what was going on. “We got into a fight. I don’t think I owe him an apology and don’t think did anything wrong.”

I listened to his side of the story. His best friend and he were going to hang out after work. My son got an offer from a co-worker (his age) to do something after work. My son let his best friend know his plans had changed and they likely wouldn’t be able to hang out (several hours before they were supposed to meet). He thought it wasn’t a big deal and his best friend wouldn’t care, but it did matter because when my son reached out to tell his best friend to have a good time with someone else the following day his best friend replied, “screw you.” Clearly his friend was hurt.

We talked about changing roles and if he were his friend and his friend him would he have felt the same — hurt. Possibly, my son said. Had he thought about why he was digging in to not apologizing to his best friend — was it the need to be right? Or he really didn’t think he’d done anything wrong? We talked about he and his friend nearing a crossroads in their lives — the end of high school and their lives possibly taking them different places. It can be an unsettling time — what does the future hold, what will happen with the friendship that has meant so much, and what if this person is no longer in my life?

Growing up, becoming more independent, and figuring out who you are can feel scary and overwhelming at times, and the realization that you’ll be soon leaving the cocoon of youth terrifying and exciting.

I offered some different ways my son can try to work through this issue with his friend without necessarily apologizing — ‘you seem upset and I want you to better understand why, let’s talk when you’ve cooled down (or are ready).’ We talked about the need in any relationship to have hard conversations to gain better insight and find a path to resolution — whether that means the relationship stays in tact or not.

Losing a friend is always hard, fighting for a friendship (or relationship) can be harder, but you typically have a sense for the ones worth making the effort to save — whether you apologize or just hear each other out. Respecting each other enough to work through your differences and make it through to the other side.

How do you resolve issues with a friend (or spouse)? How are you helping your child when they have disagreements with their friend(s)?

I will be off next week celebrating Easter with family and friends and return in April.

The Luckiest

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What bit of luck have you had in your life lately?

Sun after rainy days, a friend reaching out unexpectedly, your child sharing about their day without prompting, are just a few of the things that remind me how fortunate I am.

I’ve traveled for work recently and felt loved when both my boys seemed genuinely happy to see me upon my return, even getting a big hug from my oldest (RARE!). 🤣 My oldest reached out for support and an ear to listen when he was having a tough day on the job. My youngest wanted to brainstorm with my husband and I regarding logistics of getting to and from a school trip that will require him to get himself home. A friend and I are planning a trip later in the year — it’s nice to connect more regularly and experiencing together the anticipation of the trip. Everyone is healthy and well. Nothing particularly special per se, but each warms my heart and makes me feel lucky and blessed (and undeservedly so). I wouldn’t trade any of it even for a pot of gold ☘️.

What luck do you and your family have in your life?

Figuring Out Friendship

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Have you ever parted ways with a friend?

Parting has been easiest, for me, when our locations and situations took us different places and nothing was explicitly said. The door open to reconnect or resume the friendship is there should the opportunity arise. It’s hardest when betrayal or some type of perceived hurt has occurred — coming back from it might not be possible. Then there is everything in between.

My youngest in high school has reconnected with an elementary classmate, and together brought a third, newcomer, into their group. My son enjoyed getting to know his new friend, even walking home from school a few times together, until he didn’t. He started seeing differences between he and this new person which made him take an inventory for what he wants in a friendship. This new friend appreciates women based on looks more than anything else, and likes watching/listening to crude humor on his phone. I can’t say this is untypical of any teen, but what struck me was how off putting it was to my son. My son shared his friend had been vulnerable with him, and he was in turn, but then the friend started teasing him about what he opened up about, making him regret sharing at all. The final ‘blow’ was when the friend kept trying to get my son to engage with him during lunch period, and my son wanted no part. My son shared, “I don’t think I want you to be friends with him anymore.”

I’ve often felt my son wanted more friends, but what held him back was some challenges he faced by being on the spectrum (such as missing social cues), what I found was my son having clarity in what he wants in friendship and not being willing to settle.

We talked about the differences between he and his friend, with the main one being my son had had the good fortune of having teachers, and caregivers that modeled healthy relationships and strong emotional intelligence — give him tons of tools for his toolkit. His friend, hadn’t had these same resources and may not have the knowledge my son has. The comparison I made was my son have a full tool belt, uniform, and protective gear, and his friend being naked. I shared this with my son, so he would have empathy for his friend. He could either help his friend grow with his knowledge or part ways because the effort wasn’t worth it or the friend wouldn’t be open to it. My son took it under advisement and decided he wouldn’t proactively engage this friend, but wouldn’t outright tell him the friendship is over either. So far it’s worked out. Neither boy has really engaged the other and the loss of a friendship doesn’t seem to bother my son (or the other boy, best we can tell), at all.

Ending a friendship is never easy. Making a new friend isn’t easy either. How are you helping your child navigate friendship?

Thank You for Being a Friend

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I recently lost one of my best friends, rather unexpectedly. I got the news while I was on Spring Break vacation so my family saw my reaction to the news — dropping to the floor, and crying. Not pretty. I had to figure out how to talk to my boys about my friend’s passing, what happened, and how I was processing the information. My stages of grief go from denial to trying to come to acceptance back to denial.

What has impacted me the most to this point is the loss my friend’s family will feel. She leaves behind twin 13 year olds. They are just at the age where they are becoming young women, their bodies are changing, puberty setting in, and they are starting to navigate who they are and want to be. I know their father is strong, and they are surrounded by loving friends, and family, but it is still tough to absorb.

On this Mother’s Day we honor those women who have loved, raised, cared, fed, sheltered, guided, mentored, and done so much more to help us become the girls or women we are. I would be remiss if I didn’t honor my friend on this Mother’s Day, and acknowledge beyond her being an awesome mom, what a great friend she was. She’ll be with me forever, much like those she touched.

Happy Mothers Day to all!

Peer Pressure

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What peer pressure did you experience as a kid?

My oldest is allowed to have lunch off school grounds every day. He and two friends go a few blocks to a park and normally eat lunch there. One day he left the house without his lunch. I was able to run his lunch over to him during a lunchtime break. I picked him up after his sports practice had ended later in the day. Driving home I asked him how his day was. I got the normal “okay, I guess” answer. For whatever reason I asked, “and lunch was okay too?” I was thinking about what I’d brought him, did I get it right, did he get enough to eat — I’m not sure why I was concerned. I expected another short answer, but instead I got a “Well, actually…”

He started to explain what happened during lunch. The food I brought him was fine. But one of his friends got into a fight with another student who was also in the park. It was a little hard to follow how it went down, but based on what I could gather one student started “jawing” about my son’s friend and trying to get another student and my son’s friend to fight. When the instigator’s efforts didn’t work he was pressured by his group to do something. He walked over to my son’s friend, slapped him, and my son’s friend retaliated. My son’s friend was the bigger kid and the fight was over pretty quickly. My son got upset with his friend for engaging in the fight, and asked him what he was thinking. “Don’t you know what you have to lose? It’s so not worth it.” My son’s friend got upset with him for not joining in (my son’s friend didn’t need any help in the fight, it sounded like his expectations were ‘that’s just what friends do’). My son disagreed and told his friend, “The issue is between you and the other kid. Why would I get involved? This has nothing to do with me.” His friend didn’t like that answer. We talked about how my son handled the situation (I was impressed and proud he’d had this insight and had been able to tell his friend), and had great empathy for my son’s friend and the other boy involved. They appeared to have gotten caught up in peer pressure — if it had only been the two boys it didn’t sound a fight would have ever occurred.

My son feels for his friend and the consequences. Will he get kicked off the sports team they play on? Or get benched for a few games? Will his friend get in trouble by the school (it happened off campus by during school hours)? Will he and his friend get to the other side of this? Will his friend see that my son cares about him and wants his friend to make good choices, which can be so difficult to make when peer pressure is strong? I know my son is hopeful and so am I.

How does your child defend themselves against peer pressure? How are you helping them make good choices in tough situations?

One Love

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Are you in a healthy relationship?

Growing up, no one explicitly talked to me about unhealthy relationships. I was fortunate to have parents that modeled healthy behavior, but was left to navigate relationships on my own. I had a good support system, however, my biggest enemy was me. I decided around puberty that I wasn’t outwardly lovable—I didn’t match what I saw on TV or in magazines and didn’t have boys knocking down my door, so drew the conclusion that what I believed was true, and rarely allowed myself to be open to relationships. If a guy liked me for me, well, I knew there was something wrong with him because how could somebody like me? It makes me sad when I reflect on this period of my life. Standing back and watching others in relationships gave me good insights into relationships I was interested in (e.g. hoping to have for myself one day), and those I wanted/needed to avoid. I can remember this served me well following college when I was more confident in my appearance and my inward love was starting to align with my outward. “Joe” pursued me after meeting me at a business outing. He was confident and blunt. He liked me and he made sure I knew it. He asked me out and I agreed though there was a red flag that was quietly being raised within. We agreed to meet at a restaurant but he called earlier in the day and insisted he pick he up. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with that and he persisted. I gave in. I regretted it immediately and started thinking of ways to get out of the date. Something was triggering inner alarm bells to get away. I was about to call him to cancel when he called me, and shared he’d been in an accident and we’d have to postpone our date. I felt like angels had taken over the situation. I was glad he was okay, but knew he wasn’t for he based on how he explained the accident—he cursed about this woman pulling out in front of him on his motorcycle and how he’d really wanted to take me on a joy ride. No. Nope. Bye Bye. I sighed with relief that the date hadn’t happened—he clearly didn’t know me nor I him. Confidence is great. Aggressive big red flag.

Now my boys are in their teens and navigating relationships—friendship and romantic. My youngest is fortunate enough to have the organization One Love Foundation (joinonelove.org) working with his school. It teaches its students about what consists (characteristics and traits) of a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one. It allows the boys to better understand how their actions impact ours, and how to create and be part of healthy relationships. We’re talking to One Love Foundation about engaging with my older’s high school and look for him to benefit too. What a gift to learn something so important at such a pivotal age, right?

How are you modeling healthy relationships for your child? What are you teaching them to help them better navigates their future relationships?

Discord over Discord

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If you have a tween or teen you’ve probably heard of Discord. For those unfamiliar, Discord is an application that allows friends to communicate while playing games online. My youngest asked if he could get an account for his last birthday. We agreed but with rules — he can only talk with people he knows, and if his father and I ever have any concerns, we can take privileges away.

During Covid my son has benefited greatly from being able to connect with his friends through online gaming. After getting a Discord account he was enjoying it on another level. While I’ve been reluctant to let my son get really into gaming, I was glad he had this outlet.

Discord has been a positive experience for my son for the most part. My son sighs loudly (to maybe get me it my husband’s attention?) when he’s frustrated or upset. He sighed like this and I asked him what was going on. He shared he was frustrated because one of his friends via Discord chat was blaming him for something he didn’t do. He was upset that he was falsely being accused, but more upset that his friend did it publicly to his friend group versus messaging him directly. He was struggling with the situation. I sat down next to him at the computer and asked him to walk me through what happened. I could see the dialogue in Discord and could see what my son was saying. What shocked me was what the friend wrote — Who changed me from being the moderator? f u [insert my son’s gaming name]. I saw how my son had replied online. It wasn’t me. I don’t know who it was. Reply from friend: well then who did it? My son: I don’t know but it’s not okay what you said. Friend: get over it. My son: uncool man, uncool.

I asked my son, “Why don’t you block him?” My son at first thought it might make the situation worse, but after we discussed, he determined blocking this “friend” would make his Discord/chatting with his friends way more enjoyable, so he blocked him and breathed a sigh of relief as his “friend’s” messages disappeared from his feed.

Afterwards, we discussed friendship and the fact that we don’t really know why his friend was acting the way he was or saying what he did, but that healthy relationships require respect and his friend needs to earn my son’s respect and trust back. I want my son to get comfortable holding firm on how he’ll allow himself to be treated by others. It’s not always easy, but so important.

How are you teaching your child about friendship and what a good friend is? How are you helping your child set boundaries around how they’ll let others treat them?