Category Archives: Education

Back to School – Highs and Lows

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What do you like best about your child going back to school?

Over the years, the highs and lows have changed. When they were young, highs included them being under someone else’s care, learning, and growing; lows – potentially missing new things they did, not being with them all the time.

In elementary, highs were having them learn, build social skills, and get out energy. 😊 Lows – all the paperwork required to be filled out by the school and before and after care, countless demands on time (carpooling, errands, work!), and exhaustion.

Middle school, highs were watching our boys mature, and pushed to grow intellectually, physically, and mentally. Lows – paperwork!, demands on time, and seeing my boys start to separate (stepping into independence).

High school, highs include seeing my boys grow into their adult bodies, become young adults, and more independent. Lows – paperwork!, more separation, puberty at full strength (p-u!), and awareness of them one day leaving the nest.

Our oldest is off to college. Highs – seeing his excitement in the prospect of being a full-fledged adult. Lows – not being able to see him, know what he’s up to, or what’s on his mind. I know I can communicate with him whenever I want, but believe this is the moment I need to push my bird from the nest…let him make the necessary adjustments (without my help), so he can fly. I know he can do it, and as hard as it will be for me, I can too.

What are your highs and lows as your child grows?

Decisions

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Certain decisions in our life can have big(ger) consequences than others. I’ve shared before about how my oldest is figuring out where he wants to go after high school — college or trade route.

He ended up applying to a couple of universities and is starting to get decisions from them. His most recent was a deferment. He was crushed (which makes me think he’s more interested in going to college than he’s let on), but we reminded him the school is still reviewing his application and there is still a chance he’ll get in.

The bigger thing I wanted him to take away from all of this is to think of where he goes next in different terms. If he doesn’t get accepted, maybe it will allow another student who will benefit more than he would (based on opportunities he has that others may not) from going to that school; or that the school may not be where he needs to be (I believe we are put where we need to be even when we can’t understand it at the time — I get this may be flawed thinking but it helps me in trying times). I also shared if he has his heart set on this school, he can go to another school for his first two years and then transfer. He has options, many others don’t.

Still, I feel for him. Rejection (real or perceived) is painful. He will learn from this (and his own resilience), regardless of what happens. I just continue to remind myself to walk with him as long as he’ll allow me to.

How do you support your child through a disappointing experience?

I’ll be off next week and back in March.

Learning on the Job

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What did you learn from your first job?

My oldest son has his first job where he receives a paycheck where taxes are withheld. He mainly works “behind the scenes” but occasionally has to interact with customers. The growth curve to get proficient is steep. He’s had days where he’s come home anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted, and sometimes even keeled and relaxed (though rare), My husband and I have reminded him he’s learning, making mistakes is normal, but learning for each mistake and doing better the next time is key.

This job is good for him. It’s forcing him to better understand what a job is — training, people relying on you, gaining new skills, and being challenged. He’s also gaining needed knowledge around what he wants you to do as a career — how does he want to be challenged, interact with others, and gain a feeling of accomplishment or at least contributing in a meaningful way?

My first job, aside from babysitting, was arranging floral bouquets — not the flowers, but the greenery. It was hard work on your hands with cuts from thorns, stickiness from sap, and it was so repetitive. I learned very quickly I did not want to do this long term. It reenforced the importance of education and to take advantage of every opportunity that presented itself. I know I was fortunate and had more opportunities than many others and took advantage of them (thanks to my own parents continuing to push and encourage me).

My son is thinking through what he wants to do. You can see him grappling with being independent — I can make my own choices; and balancing it with the opportunities his father and I continue to put in front of him — keep learning, don’t limit your options. I’m unsure the route he’ll ultimately go, but know he’s learning on the job, on how he wants to show up and interact with others — be a team player, reliable, accountable, and make mistakes and learn as he gains more knowledge; and what he ultimately wants out of a job and career.

What new skills is your child learning? How are you continuing to get them to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves that will help them grow?

Back to School Blues

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What did your child think about returning to school?

My youngest loved the lazy summer days of sleeping in late, with an open schedule. He’s big into transit and made new friends and spent time exploring via bus, light rail, and street car (it helps that our state makes these services free of charge for students year-round). As the school year approached, the realization he’d soon go from having nothing-to-do to going all-the-time seriously bummed my normally cheery guy out.

He talked with his father and I about how short this summer was, and how he wished the break were longer (my husband and I smiled, remembering our own childhood memories of summer vacation, and sighed knowing you never get that back).

My son adjusted to the new school year quickly. He reconnected with friends, and is excited for several of his classes and new teachers. The blues he was feeling were gone.

We’ve all experienced that dread (and/or nerves) of something new starting (school, job, place) and wishing for nothing to change, knowing we have to move forward into the dread, realizing our dread is (almost always) worse than the reality. And relieved when we adjust to the new situation. Phew!

How has your child adjusted to the new school year? How do you help them work through nerves or dread around a situation?

Instagram Catfish

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My youngest is on the spectrum and struggles making strong connection with his peers. This can be especially hard when you’re a teen, going through puberty, exploring your sexuality, and becoming more independent.

Our youngest son is one of the most ‘innocent’ people you could meet. His emotional intelligence is through the roof (he has empathy that is beyond compare), he loves animals, and spends countless hours online learning about world geography, other cultures, transit systems, and follows politics. He has very little interest in things I think most parents of teens fear — nudity/pornography, alcohol, or drugs.

My husband and I are aware our sons are on Instagram, but thought it too, particularly for our youngest, was innocent. We found out we had reason for concern when my husband saw our youngest son texting (chat function) with another user and appeared to be trying to hide what he was messaging from his father. My husband decided to inquire who our son was talking to while we were at the dinner table. My son got very quiet and seemed embarrassed. He shared he had started to confide some of his secrets to this stranger including his wants and desires because it felt ‘safe.’ When we challenged our son on who this person was, how old, etc., we learned this person was in their 30s. I appreciated my son’s honesty but was beside myself, as we’ve talked to our boys about being online and never sharing information or trusting who is on the other end, especially if you haven’t met or seen them in-person. I was more upset by the adult on the other end who allowed/continued the conversation even though he knew my son (based on his age being on his profile) was underage. Beyond the emotions I was experiencing, I could see how lonely my son felt, and how he’d been looking for an outlet to share his feelings and thoughts with others. outside mom and dad, and while I get it, it still terrified me.

My son realized the errors of his ways, blocked this ‘friend’ and gave me his login information so we can monitor the app and ensure he’s connecting safely with others his own age. He wants his independence but realizes he lost some of our trust but hiding this from us. We’ve always advocated for our kids to talk to us about anything and everything, even if it’s uncomfortable (for them or us, especially us (meaning my husband and I)). He feels like he lets us down, and we feel like we let him down (how didn’t we know?, how could we or should we have been helping him?, etc.).

We talked about making mistakes, that’s how we learn and grow, and while he’s becoming more independent, he still has knowledge to gain. He agreed, though still feeling embarrassed and ‘stupid’ for not knowing better. We just reminded him now he does.

Social media, like any technology has its pros and cons. I like that it allows users to connect on their interests or passions. I’m not a fan of some of the unforeseen risks inherent with letting younger folks (whose frontal lobe hasn’t fully formed) converse easily with folks who may be legit, or may be a catfish.

I’m still working to recalibrate my brain around what we learned. Some of my son’s innocence is gone, but I should expect that with age. I’m reminded I need to stay on top of how my son is connecting with others and getting his needs met (e.g., making friends that allow his to be himself, share openly, trust with secrets), and what my husband and I (and his therapist) can do to help.

How do you keep a pulse on your teen’s interactions on social media? How are you helping them know the dangers, while giving them freedom to explore who they are and their interests?

Talk to Me

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Do you ever struggle to get your child to talk to you?

My oldest doesn’t divulge information easily. As his parent it can be deflating (is there something I can do differently to get him to open up?), and sometimes concerning (what is he thinking, is he okay?) but that’s the worrier in me. He is a teen, and I’m aware of his growing need for independence and not necessarily having mom or dad be ‘in the know’ on everything.

My oldest is getting closer to graduating and needs to start thinking about colleges. He hasn’t been willing to discuss where he might want to go, or study. While I was probably the same way at his age (in not knowing what I might study), I always had my eye on going to college. I knew I needed good grades to get in, I’d need to apply for scholarships to help offset the cost, but knew one way or another I was going. I’m not picking up that vibe from my son and that is worrying me.

I can understand the value of a college education being questioned after COVID, but I still believe college is that unique place and time in your life where you get to figure out who you are, what you’re interested in, you get exposed to different people from different places, and your universe expands. I know I thought I knew everything I needed to know about life and others in high school, but saw how small my universe was when I went to college. I very much want that for my two boys. My husband and I have been saving and planning for this.

My oldest shared with my husband he might opt to go to a trade school instead of college. He told this to my husband in confidence and my husband encouraged him to tell me. He won’t do it. I have tried asking him his thoughts on college, does he want to do something different, and he won’t share anything. Ugh! It’s unclear whether he doesn’t want to hear my thoughts (scared of how I might react), or if he’s still making up his mind (maybe college is still on the table?). I just wish he’d talk to me.

It would be one thing if we couldn’t afford it (and I’m aware of how fortunate we are to do this), or didn’t stress the importance of education and gaining knowledge with our kids, but we do. My son is anxious by nature and has a fear of failure (who doesn’t, right?), I’m worried he is taking a path that will essentially guarantee him a job, but narrow his opportunities in the long run. He is becoming an adult, but his frontal cortex still isn’t fully formed and I’m worried about him making decisions that can be life impacting. I may sound dramatic, but it feels like my son is coming to a crossroads and may pick a path different than I envisioned or hoped. I am struggling between supporting him and his growing independence and greatly wanting to influence his decision. I just wish he’d talk to me. It. Is. So. Hard.

How do you get your child to open up?