Category Archives: Brave

Meeting the Moment

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These are unsettling times.

We can be struck with fear, anger, anxiety and feel like we’re at a loss as to what we can do. While I’d like to shield my kids from everything that is going on, I can’t. The news is everywhere and trying to put your head in the sand to avoid the chaos is great from a mental break perspective, but not from standing up for what you believe in, or meeting the moment.

My oldest has a different opportunity to meet the moment at his job. It’s not necessarily challenging for him (physically or mentally), but it’s steady work with flexible hours. He shared how he’d been showing up a little late and was wondering if others were noticing. I asked him why he was late (he used different words, but essentially said he wasn’t very motivated to be early or on time). I asked him how he could get feedback on his performance (sounds redundant, but I wanted to make sure he knew). “Ask, I guess,” he replied. Then I asked him how he wanted to show up in life. “You decide how you show up. You are on time and do good work, and that’s something people will remember you for. Go in and slack, and they’ll know you for that. Anything less and you probably won’t have the job for long.” I said. I finished with “how you show up for others carriers into all facets of your life — work, relationships with a significant other, your friends, and family, etc. You decide what that looks like.” He thought for a minute and said what I said made sense and gave him some things to think about.

We have to decide daily how we want to show up – for our jobs, our family, kids, friends, community, and even our country. Showing up as you want to be isn’t always easy. As I always tell my kids, you can’t be brave if you aren’t (at least a little bit) scared. I’m encouraging us all to lean into those scared moments so we can rise to our moment (whatever that may be).

How do you encourage your child to best their best?

I’ll be off next week enjoying time with family and friends, and will be back later this month.

Feedback is Hard

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How do you get feedback?

Feedback can be hard to give and get. My youngest tried out for the school Spring musical in early December. He thought he did well, or better than years past, and thought he had a good chance of getting a speaking role. The cast list came out the Friday afternoon before winter break. The teachers were clear, no one comes to them once the list is posted with questions, the student can schedule time during feedback sessions that will happen once school is back in session.

The list came out. My son was anxious — nerves and excitement. Unfortunately, he didn’t get a speaking part. He was cast in the ensemble. He was devastated. He broke down and talked about his disappointment—the work and practice he’d put in, how much he’d wanted a speaking part, and how bad it hurt. As a parent, it was hard to witness, but I tried to give him space to experience his emotions and reassure him he’d be okay. I did encourage him to take the teachers up on their offer to provide feedback. He didn’t want to even think about it, at first. The hurt was too fresh and hearing any criticism, even constructive, would be too tough.

I encouraged him to get time with the teachers again over break, for no other reason than to know clearly why he didn’t get a speaking role. Was it skill? Meaning he didn’t sing or dance well enough? Or was his acting not a match? Or something else? If he knew he’d know what he needed to work on vs. guessing and not giving himself the best chance in future auditions. I told him getting constructive criticism is a gift — the intent is to help you get (or be) better. My son listened, but still wasn’t convinced. It helped that his grandfather also encouraged him to get feedback and the value in hearing it even if it’s hard. My son now had to decide for himself.

When school resumed I asked my son what he was going to do. “I already signed up to get feedback,” he said, “I’m worried they’ll tell me I’m not good at something, but hoping they’ll just say it wasn’t my year.” The musical the school will be performing does have a small cast. I was glad he was going to get the feedback even though it wasn’t easy.

After getting the feedback, he came home and shared what they told him, it was a mix of some things he could do to improve on (work on parts of his stage presence), and with so few roles, he just was a little short of getting a speaking part. He was at peace with the feedback and I was really proud of him for doing it.

Getting feedback is hard. What’s the most helpful feedback you’ve ever gotten? How are you helping your child be more open to receiving feedback?

I’ll be off again next week for the long weekend and back later this month.

Fun by the Campfire

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What’s something fun you’ve done this Fall?

Where I live, this time of year is iffy weather wise. It can be cool enough for a fire outdoors, but wet and rainy, or dry and too cold regardless how big the fire is. We’ve been fortunate enough to have some cool and dry weather nights where the temperature is ‘just right’, and done impromptu fires — for ourselves and inviting friends that live nearby to drop over, if they can.

On our most recent night outside, my youngest and our exchange student did some bonding. He shared that he was feeling down over several back-to-back disappointments he’d experienced during the week, and our student offered him advice and to be someone he could talk to (it was so great seeing). Our exchange student loved the fire and is interested in roasting marshmallows in the future like they’ve seen in American movies (we can help them with that. 🥰). My favorite part was when our student encouraged my son to sing his audition song (that he plans to use for Spring Musical tryouts in a few weeks) for us. My youngest paused, but then found the song and sang it. You could hear his nerves as he sang — we were outside, with neighbors in hearing distance — but he did well and we told him so. Then I encouraged our student to do the same. She sang her song (with similar nerves), but I was so impressed of her willingness to do this in front of us while only knowing us a short time. I think she’s pretty fearless (I’ve told her as much).

There was singing, giggling, sharing stories, and just a general ‘nice’ feeling about it all. The fire died down, we all were content to go inside for the night. Oh, how I hope we have a few more of these types of evenings.

What is something outdoors you and your family like to do as the seasons change?

Roller Coaster

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Do you like thrill rides?

We went on vacation and were fortunate to have our nephew join us. Our nephew and my boys cousin live far from each other, so getting to spend this extended time with him was special.

We decided to check out an amusement park one day while we were together. It was large park, but not too large. The first ride my son and I did was a ride where you sit in a swing, get lifted a couple hundred feet in the air and spin. It felt like flying. My nephew wasn’t a fan of heights and decided to pass. Since our youngest and his cousin are close in age, we allowed them to go off on their own to explore the park and agreed to meet up later.

My husband and I decided to ride a roller coaster. It had been forever since I’d last been on one, so it was fun to find out I could still do it. 😊 After walking around a bit, we realized a lot of rides were closed and we weren’t finding a whole lot of things we wanted to do at the park. We met up with the kids to find out how they were doing.

It turns out the kids were as bored as we were and hadn’t found much to do (frustrating after paying so much money and hoping to have a fun day). We agreed we’d do the log flume ride. Of course, it was closed. 🙁 Then my nephew suggested we all ride the wooden roller coaster. I was surprised he recommended it since it went high and I knew he wasn’t a fan of heights. My youngest, who has only recently done a roller coaster was game, so we were off.

We walked towards the roller coaster and went into the entrance. We were talking excitedly about the ride when my husband asked where our nephew was. I thought he was still with us. We turned around and walked out finding him on a bench just outside the ride. “Nope, I’m not doing it,” he said. Getting up close to the ride made him rethink wanting to do it. We discussed the ride. I looked at my son and asked what the good part was about coming to an amusement park. He looked at me quizzically and after some prompting said, “oh right, it gives us a chance to be brave.” We talked about the ride and how it works, with gravity mainly thrusting the ride forward in hopes it would calm our nephew’s anxiety. He seemed good, so I said, “okay, so are we going to do this?” Thinking it was a done deal and we were going to go. My nephew responded, “are you crazy? I’m not doing that!” I found it both shocking (because I really thought we’d convinced him he could do the ride), and humorous ( how wrong I had been!). I loved how he advocated for himself though and was firm on what he was comfortable with.

Life can throw scary things in your path. Sometimes you get to be brave, and sometimes you opt-out. It can be thrilling but also terrifying, and but there is nothing more important than knowing what your limits are.

How does your child advocate for themselves? How have you helped them overcome a fear?

Growing, Growing, Gone

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How prepared is your child to go off on their own?

Our youngest decided to go to an overnight camp on the other side of the country. Worrisome enough for any parent, but throw in the fact that he’s 16, going on his own, and wanted to explore the transit in a large urban area he hadn’t explored (as much as he wanted) before made my nerves go through the roof. Not because my son isn’t capable — he navigated the tube in London flawlessly without ever consulting a map, but because he was going to be doing this on his own. What if he ran into a problem? Or people who were looking to take advantage of a younger person? It helps that my son is tall and people often think he is older than he is, but that can go both ways (good/bad) too. He showed us his itinerary and what he planned to do on his day in the city before the camp came and picked him up.

My husband and I spent time prepping my son. Bringing up scenarios and asking how he would handle or what he would do if he got into a situation where he needed help. It was a moment where we had to let him g(r)o(w) regardless how hard it was for us.

Because my son was going to the other coast there was a time difference and he would already be well on his journey before we woke up. He kept us posted on his stays, checking his luggage, paying train tickets, what routes he was on, etc. via text. I was calm but nervous. I looked forward to him being with the camp folks knowing he was safe.

The day went on, he was fine, and the camp got him safely mid-afternoon. I was relieved, and so proud of my son being able to do what he did. That night when we talked he shared how kind people had been, and how fortunate he’d been to make (train) connections and do all that he did. “We’re proud of you, you know?,” I said as we talked that evening, “but you should be even more proud of what you did yourself. You now know you can do this, and if traveling is something you want to do more of, you took a big step towards doing that.” He smiled and shared that he was proud of himself.

Gaining independence and confidence as you grow helps lessen the scariness of leaving the nest. Even though this mother bird still wants to protect her kids, I know I have to let them g(r)o(w).

How are you helping your child grow confidence in their abilities and independence?

Happy 4th. I’ll be away enjoying time with family and back later in July.

Growth Spurt

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My youngest is trying out for a part in a school play. He went through tryouts early his freshman year, and his experience was much different. His freshman year, everything was new—people, process, and place (he was still figuring out where things were in the school building). It was overwhelming and made him flustered. He overcame being upset when he struggled with the audition process with the help of patient teachers and time to calm himself down. We talked with him about what he’d learned after he had settled down and the audition was behind him, and what he’d do differently in future new situations.

Fast forward to this school year. Tryouts again, but nothing new, with the exception of a few new faces (younger or new students). He was confident, and excited. A dramatic (pun intended 😁) improvement from his freshman year. We talked about what was different, how he’d grown since his freshman experience, and how he’d survived—maybe a strong word, but it helped him understand he could weather new (tough, uncomfortable, unfamiliar, etc.) situations, He had grown based on his initial experience. It was a steep learning curve for him, but a needed one.

As he shared more details on how the tryouts went with his father and I we talked about this, and how when you’re young and go through steep learning curves it can feel overwhelming and scary, but they often level out, and you work towards the next big learning experience but normally have time to build up that next it (getting a job, going to college or trade school, living on your own, etc.). You could see him realize he had it in his to rise to whatever that next challenge may be, and that he had time to grow to it.

What growth spurt is (or has) your kid going through?

Feeling Lost

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Have you ever felt lost as a parent?

Feeling lost, when you’re a new parent, is very common. You’re learning as you go. If you’re like me, you settle into the role (at some point) and feel more confident in your capabilities, though you know you never have all the tools, guidance, knowledge, or wisdom you need. You do your best, and when you mess up, you acknowledge your mistake, make amends (if needed), learn, and do something different going forward.

I felt a new kind of lost this past week. Wanting to support my oldest as he advocated for himself around how he wanted to contribute to his football team, and wanting to help him not make a mistake — leave something he loved doing because in-the-moment he wasn’t sure if his passion for it was still there or not. I tried balancing listening, making myself available to talk, giving advice, holding my tongue, and supporting him. I worked to be aware and walk with him (great advice a friend gave me months ago), versus steer him one way or another. It was so very hard.

He talked to his coaches, he decided he no longer wanted to play. As a parent, I was concerned, not that he didn’t want to play, but that he might regret not playing at some point (this season or years down the road). His coaches talked to him some more and asked him to reconsider. We (my son and I) talked more, I gave more advice (reminding myself to walk beside, not steer), I waited — so hard. He notified the coaches his decision was final. That worried me, what if he changed his mind in a few weeks? He had set the proverbial bridge on fire with his coaches, they wouldn’t beg him to play.

My son then went to turn in his gear. He was gone longer than I expected. I waited. When he got home I could see he was happy, a happy I hadn’t seen in a while. Not a relieved happy, but a “I’m at peace” happy. I asked him how it went and he shared he’d talked to the coaches and they asked him if he’d like to help out with the team — do filming, help with equipment, and coaching. He loved that idea and agreed to stay on the team in that capacity. It felt like an answer to prayers (and there were a lot of them from this worrying mom😊). It was unexpected, and yet such a great alternative for my son.

What I took away from all this was my son is becoming his own man, my thoughts/guidance/advice were welcome this time, but only because we walked through this (his father as well) together. If I was lost (as a parent), I grew by letting my son own his decision, and supporting him through the process.

So much of parenting feels new at the beginning, but I’m finding as my son reaches adulthood, the new keeps on coming. I’m curious what other new parenting growth is on the horizon for me, but am in no rush to find out. I’ll just keep on walking for now.

What growth have you experienced as a parent lately?

I’ll be off for Labor Day weekend and back in September.

Public Speaking

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How comfortable are you speaking in front of others?

My youngest had an opportunity to return to his former middle school to share his experience and how prepared he was for high school. He was eager to go in hopes he’d see some former faculty or classmates. The community event for the school was moms (no students past or present), and no former faculty and administration. It was a bit of a bummer, but he loves the school so much he easily adjusted talking to new teachers about his experience.

The event had us sit down in a circle and the head of school asked us to give our feedback on why we’d picked the middle school, the best thing about the middle school, and how well my son was prepared for high school. I provided my input, but turned the floor over to my son since I knew the parents would like to hear from him directly. He did a great job sharing his thoughts, and needed little prompting to answer questions and provide insights. He went from looking down at first when he responded, to making eye contact, to joking with the crowd towards the end. It was like watching a flower bloom. I couldn’t help but smile.

On the way home my son and I discussed how things went. We both reflected on how some of the questions asked helped us see even more benefits of him going to the school than we’d previously realized. He was proud of his ability to talk in front of so many strangers and attributed his comfort with the confidence the school gave him regarding who he is (e.g., you’re great just the way you are). I was so happy for him that he recognizes the gifts the school has given him, how he’s been able to use them to excel in high school, and be confident in who he is enough to do public speaking at such a young age. It makes me wonder what else he can do that even he doesn’t know yet. 😊 I can’t wait to find out.

What gives your child confidence?

Modeling Love

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As parents we model what loves looks like for our kids.

My husband isn’t romantic by nature, which is surprising because he father appears to be so with his mother (skip a generation perhaps 😂), but he is committed to our relationship even when it’s tough.

My husband and I have had to learn to communicate, even when hard and uncomfortable, to stay together and better connect. The discomfort and unease was hard at first, but when you see your spouse is willing to listen to you and work to communicate in a way that supports and nurtures the relationship and you do the same, growth happens. Stronger bonds form.

I do reflect on how our children view our relationship (guess we’ll have to ask them), and what they take from it. They definitely see us disagree and get frustrated with each other, but they see us apologize or make amends. They see us show modest affection (a kiss goodbye or hand holding). We want to model that relationships take work, but are worth it.

Our youngest wears his heart on his sleeve, I don’t worry about him expressing his emotions. Our oldest doubles down and only on rare occasions expresses them though we encourage him to do so more often. I do wonder when he braves his first relationship what it will be like.

On Valentine’s Day, love is in the air. What kind of love / relationship are you modeling for your child?

I will be away next week enjoying the long weekend and back later this month.

Audition

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Ever get stage fright?

That’s not exactly what happened with my son, but it was pretty close. My youngest started high school and has been looking forward to getting back into theatre. Being his first year, he wasn’t sure what he’d need to do to join the drama club. He learned they’d have auditions and he’d need to come, bring his paperwork, and read a script.

He was a bit nervous about going (naturally), but worked through his nerves and stayed until it was his turn. They called him to the stage and said, “Okay, you can start.” My son was confused and overwhelmed. He didn’t know what they wanted him to do and he broke down in tears. Thankfully, the adults realized they needed to give him more direction, gave him a minute to compose himself and handed him a script to read from. He regained his composure and redid his audition, this time feeling more confident in his effort. I met him in the parking lot following. He broke down in tears again talking about how embarrassing it was that he didn’t know what to do, and admitting that afterwards he realized he hadn’t read the paperwork completely and at the bottom it referenced coming with a monologue prepared.

We talked about this being a growing experience. That life will sometimes through unexpected things our way, and how we respond matters. He might not have liked how he responded, but recognized he was so overwhelmed that his emotions burst through. I reminded him that the good news was he survived and everything was fine after all. He appeared to take some solace in this. We talked about how he might handle the situation differently next time – be it an audition or something else. “I guess I’ll read the paperwork more closely,” he said. I told him that was a good way to avoid getting caught off guard, but the unknown can happen regardless of how well you plan. While he couldn’t come up with what he’d do differently, we discussed recognizing the feeling if/when it happens again and if possible take some deep breaths to give himself a chance to respond in a way he feels better about. It’s a start.

I’m proud of my son for trying and not giving up. I’m more proud of how in tune he is with his emotions and his understanding of his need to feel them, counter to how many of us who will do anything not to.

The drama season officially kicks off soon and the school has several plays. Whether he has a speaking role or plays Tree#3 😊 I’m grateful he’s sticking with it, as it proves even when we fall/fail/didn’t-realize-we-were-supposed-to-have-memorized-a-monologue there is always the opportunity to dust yourself off (regroup), and try again.

How do you handle the unexpected? How are you helping your child navigate a perceived failure?