Tag Archives: Teen

Leaving the Nest

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Where has time gone?

Our oldest graduated from high school and is preparing for what comes next for him in the fall. We anticipate him living on his own and officially leaving the nest, at least for the time being.

At his graduation ceremony I tried to wrap my head around how fast time had gone. When he was born, time seemed to go sooooooo slow. When would he nap? When could we move to the next activity and break up the monotony? How much longer would we be at the park? Or on a walk? When would I talk to another adult about something other than my child? When would I get my body back? Etc.

Time, of course, started to go faster, at least a little, as my son grew, and became more independent—able to dress himself, get himself into the car and more. Time still seemed slower, but faster than it previously was.

When he went to middle school time picked up noticeably, until COVID hit, and it felt like we were back in the early parenting days when time moved like molasses.

In high school, COVID still slowed things but as it lifted time started speeding up. Him getting his drivers license and having more freedom really accelerated time. The last two years a blur. I can remember clearly the permanence of parenthood setting in when he was a few weeks old, and how fleeting the next 18 years had gone by.

It’s a bittersweet feeling. You’ve raised your child, your main role and responsibilities over. And, we’ve raised our child and our main role and responsibilities over.

This is a transition for sure, and I’m working to take it all in. Where we’ve been, where we are, and what comes next. I’d love to slow time, but it’s out of my hands. I’m hopeful we’ve given our son roots with wings, so he flies and wants to spend time with mom and dad in the future.

What milestones are going (or have gone) through? How do you view time?

Your Attention, Please

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When was the last time you felt ignored?

With the school year coming to a close there is much going on. Our oldest is graduating and preparing for what comes beyond, our youngest in the school play and planning out how he’d like to spend his time over summer break.

My youngest got upset with me when I told him one evening we’d need him to walk to school the following morning (something he does often, but his preference is to get a ride). With his father, I, and his brother working, and only 2 cars, we are often coordinating on who has which car when. The next afternoon I saw my son and asked how his day was. He pretended to ignore me. I asked again. He continued to ignore me. “Are you ignoring me?”, I asked. I small momentary smile crept into his lips, then the straight face returned. “Why are you ignoring me?,” I asked. He stood up and went into his room. The only thing I could think of was me having him walk to school. He could be upset about that if he needed to be.

I didn’t get much out of him that day which was odd, because he’s more of a talker than his older brother. The next day I was ignored again, asking the same questions and not sure why he was doing it. Was this really over him having to walk to school? I went into his bedroom and he continued to try to ignore until I started trying to tickle his feet (laughter, in my opinion, can sometimes break the mood and get the kids to open up. Jokes, in these situations don’t work, tickling does). He started laughing and squirming his feet away for me. “Mom!” followed by laughter, “Mom, stop!” I stopped. “Then tell me why you’re ignoring me,” I said. He went quiet, but was smiling and walked out of the room towards where our family computer is. “Just tell me what’s going on,” I asked.

He sat down at the computer and when he saw me not leaving he paused and said, “well, if I’m going to be honest, it feels like you’ve been ignoring me lately.” This stunned me. I couldn’t think of where this was coming from but needed to hear him out. “What makes you say that?,” I said. “Well, I know you’re really busy but it doesn’t feel like you’ve been listening to me, or you’re bored when I’m talking to you.” Again, I racked my brain trying to think of when I may have done this. I attempted to briefly defend myself. “What are you talking about? I was the front-of-house stage parent for the show two times last week, I’ve taken you to your appointments…” I stopped. Yes, I did these things, but he said he felt ignored. “Can you give me some examples of when I ignored you?,” I asked hoping he could. “I don’t know, we just haven’t been talking as much and it feels like (older brother) is getting more attention.” I was still perplexed, but acknowledged his feelings, apologized, and empowered him to call me out when he felt I wasn’t paying attention to him.

I discussed it later with my husband. “Do you think this is jealousy?” I asked. My husband thought it might be that we’ve been giving our oldest more positive affirmation in front of his brother, not to make anyone feel better or worse, but it was when the opportunity presented itself. Our oldest for several years kept conversation to a minimum at the dinner table and left as soon as he could. This has changed since he started his senior year (maybe realizing this family time is drawing to a close) and he has been more talkative and engaging at dinner, not always wanting to leave at the first given chance. Hence we’ve had more discussions with and about things going on with him (and including listening to, guiding, challenging him (to think, reflect), and positive affirmation).

It was a good conversation to have with my youngest and my husband. I still believe I am giving my youngest as much attention as I always have, but realize there is more focus and celebration on my oldest with his upcoming graduation. Now that I’m aware based on my youngest being willing to share (I’m often in awe of his emotional intelligence and his ability to communicate his feelings) I know I need to pay better attention to him, and really every member of our family.

Has your child ever ignored you? How did you handle it?

Happy Days

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What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

I like to read, but rarely do these days. For Mother’s Day I was given the day to do what I liked. My oldest gave me a book he had read and we had discussed over Spring Break. The book, Three Days of Happiness by Sugaru Miaki , is based on a young male who is given the opportunity to sell his remaining life span for money. It sounds a bit depressing, but the book makes you think about how we see life, how we approach life (compare ourselves to others, deciding life will be good or bad, worrying about what others think of you and your actions), and being truly free.

In the book, the main character pays the ultimate price in time, but understands by the end that happiness can be experienced by living completely free.

My oldest and I discussed the book after I finished reading it. It brought up topics such as how you approach life (with joy or anger or something else); living life and putting yourself out there — truly bring you; taking risks; and finding happiness as often as you can.

I was reminded of what a Lego Ninjago character (a show my boys watched regularly when they were younger), Sensei Wu said. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, and that is why they call it ‘the present.’” I loved how simple and meaningful that statement is. I shared it with my son (he had to remind me of the character’s name) as we talked about the book, and how easy it is to get caught up thinking about the past, focusing on the future, and not paying attention to the moment you are in. My advice to him, “make an effort to take it all in. The simple things — good weather, birds and nature; and the important things – health, food, safety, shelter; and the things that enrich us -family, friends and community.”

Time is our most precious asset and too often we let it slip by. How do we change that? Awareness? Intention? Or something else!

What makes you and your child happy?

I will be off next weekend for Memorial Day and back in June.

Parental Support

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Who has helped you through your parenting journey?

We are fortunate to live in a part of the country that has a structured program called Program for Early Parenthood Support (PEPS). It brings together parents with newborns that are close in age (1-3 months, typically). We were able to join a group when our oldest was born.

The support we received from the official PEPS program (which, at the time, ran 12 weeks), with a moderator, topics, sometimes guest/expert speakers, and families (including babies) meeting once a week in each other’s home was invaluable. Following the program most of the parents in our group wanted to keep meeting. Just getting together, knowing we weren’t alone, having others to bounce questions, challenges, and fears set the foundation for a strong community.

Our oldests are seniors in high school now with graduation just around the corner. It’s bittersweet to realize how much time has gone by. The slowness of the early years, the angst of sending them off to school, puberty hitting, teen angst, and now coming into their own.

When we first started meeting, post program, everyone attended. We talked about the kids, because — for the most part — they were too young to know what we were talking about or in another room playing games. As they got older some of the kids connected, others didn’t. The kids would come, but you knew they’d probably rather be somewhere else. 😊 When the kids reached middle school we started to let them decide if they wanted to join us or not. The connection of this group was more meaningful to us parents, because we wanted (needed?) to talk about the kids and struggles we faced, joys we were experiencing, or things that surprised us (my kid is capable of that?!).

None of us know what our kids will eventually end up doing, where they’ll live, etc.. We know just because they are now “adults” we won’t have a say, but hopefully modeled getting support to thrive in tough environments (not sure many environments tougher than parenting). We still very much want to stay connected with this community. We’ve been through so much together.

Parental support is what gets you through the tough times and lets you know you’re not only, and you’ll figure it out. It’s those people — family, friends, doctors, teachers, coaches, mentors, that help us get through the journey together.

Who supports you and your family? Who do you support in return?

Don’t Fear Failure, Be Terrified of Regret

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We all fear failure, at least to some degree. Whether it’s fear of embarrassment, or confirming a negative doubt or flaw we think about ourselves, we’ll often go to great lengths to avoid it.

I’ve thought of that in my early days of parenting, wanting to be ‘perfect’ or as close to perfect as was possible and being terrified of ‘failing.’ It required me to open my mind by listening to our parents further along in their journey, my own parents, and allowing myself to pivot from fear of failure to awareness to the person I wanted to be (and how I’d show up for myself, spouse, and boys), and the experiences I wanted to have as a parent. I could ‘fail’ or make mistakes any time (we’re human), but being aware forced me to be intentional, which helped me in what actions, words, and engagements looked like — I didn’t want you to have any regrets parenting my kids.

Now my oldest is figuring out his path in life post high school. I shared him a wise saying I heard, “don’t fear failure, be terrified of regret.” I don’t want him to take the easy route because the other is hard, scary, or he might fail. I shared he should want to be challenged (because easy is boring), and if he tries and it doesn’t work out, he won’t regret it, but if he never tries he likely will.

Parenting and life can be scary at times. Wanting to do and be your best all the time an admirable goal. Letting intention (how, when, and where you want to show up for yourself and others) be your guide doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes, it just means you’ll minimize regrets you experience in life.

What fear did you face and overcome to avoid regret?

I’ll be off again spending time with family during Spring Break and will be back later in the month.

Disagreement Among Friends

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When was the last time you got into a disagreement with a good friend?

My oldest and his best friend got into a disagreement. I only know this because my son wanted to talk to me when he woke up (and when my oldest wants to talk you know something is on his mind). I asked him what was going on. “We got into a fight. I don’t think I owe him an apology and don’t think did anything wrong.”

I listened to his side of the story. His best friend and he were going to hang out after work. My son got an offer from a co-worker (his age) to do something after work. My son let his best friend know his plans had changed and they likely wouldn’t be able to hang out (several hours before they were supposed to meet). He thought it wasn’t a big deal and his best friend wouldn’t care, but it did matter because when my son reached out to tell his best friend to have a good time with someone else the following day his best friend replied, “screw you.” Clearly his friend was hurt.

We talked about changing roles and if he were his friend and his friend him would he have felt the same — hurt. Possibly, my son said. Had he thought about why he was digging in to not apologizing to his best friend — was it the need to be right? Or he really didn’t think he’d done anything wrong? We talked about he and his friend nearing a crossroads in their lives — the end of high school and their lives possibly taking them different places. It can be an unsettling time — what does the future hold, what will happen with the friendship that has meant so much, and what if this person is no longer in my life?

Growing up, becoming more independent, and figuring out who you are can feel scary and overwhelming at times, and the realization that you’ll be soon leaving the cocoon of youth terrifying and exciting.

I offered some different ways my son can try to work through this issue with his friend without necessarily apologizing — ‘you seem upset and I want you to better understand why, let’s talk when you’ve cooled down (or are ready).’ We talked about the need in any relationship to have hard conversations to gain better insight and find a path to resolution — whether that means the relationship stays in tact or not.

Losing a friend is always hard, fighting for a friendship (or relationship) can be harder, but you typically have a sense for the ones worth making the effort to save — whether you apologize or just hear each other out. Respecting each other enough to work through your differences and make it through to the other side.

How do you resolve issues with a friend (or spouse)? How are you helping your child when they have disagreements with their friend(s)?

I will be off next week celebrating Easter with family and friends and return in April.

The Luckiest

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What bit of luck have you had in your life lately?

Sun after rainy days, a friend reaching out unexpectedly, your child sharing about their day without prompting, are just a few of the things that remind me how fortunate I am.

I’ve traveled for work recently and felt loved when both my boys seemed genuinely happy to see me upon my return, even getting a big hug from my oldest (RARE!). 🤣 My oldest reached out for support and an ear to listen when he was having a tough day on the job. My youngest wanted to brainstorm with my husband and I regarding logistics of getting to and from a school trip that will require him to get himself home. A friend and I are planning a trip later in the year — it’s nice to connect more regularly and experiencing together the anticipation of the trip. Everyone is healthy and well. Nothing particularly special per se, but each warms my heart and makes me feel lucky and blessed (and undeservedly so). I wouldn’t trade any of it even for a pot of gold ☘️.

What luck do you and your family have in your life?

Pay Day

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What questions come up in your family about money?

When our kids were young, my husband and I agreed we wanted to teach our kids about money, saving, investing, and planning for their futures.

A Scout merit badge helped us educate our sons during a summer trip to Yosemite. But that was one conversation, and we all know that to learn and really comprehend something you have to either hear it over and over, or experience it for yourself.

My youngest is starting to think about work and what he might due to earn money while he’s still in high school. After talking about places he might like to work, the conversation turned to how frequently you get paid. That started a conversation we haven’t had in a while. Our oldest is an hourly worker and gets paid weekly. My husband and I have different pay schedules (bi-weekly and monthly). The kids were very interested in the salaried jobs (you get the same amount of money whether you work 40 hours or 60?!?), and overtime (they like the thought of more $$$). It was an unexpected conversation but a good and needed one. Knowledge is power, right?

How are you teaching your child about earning, saving, and planning for their future?

Decisions

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Certain decisions in our life can have big(ger) consequences than others. I’ve shared before about how my oldest is figuring out where he wants to go after high school — college or trade route.

He ended up applying to a couple of universities and is starting to get decisions from them. His most recent was a deferment. He was crushed (which makes me think he’s more interested in going to college than he’s let on), but we reminded him the school is still reviewing his application and there is still a chance he’ll get in.

The bigger thing I wanted him to take away from all of this is to think of where he goes next in different terms. If he doesn’t get accepted, maybe it will allow another student who will benefit more than he would (based on opportunities he has that others may not) from going to that school; or that the school may not be where he needs to be (I believe we are put where we need to be even when we can’t understand it at the time — I get this may be flawed thinking but it helps me in trying times). I also shared if he has his heart set on this school, he can go to another school for his first two years and then transfer. He has options, many others don’t.

Still, I feel for him. Rejection (real or perceived) is painful. He will learn from this (and his own resilience), regardless of what happens. I just continue to remind myself to walk with him as long as he’ll allow me to.

How do you support your child through a disappointing experience?

I’ll be off next week and back in March.

Puppy Bowl

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Do you and your family watch the Super Bowl?

We normally do, but it’s pretty low-key. Just us and some pizza or snacks. Mainly watching the commercials and sometimes the game (if it’s competitive or we have a team in the mix).

This year, our oldest, who is a huge sports fan shared he was underwhelmed by the matchup and said, “remember how we watched the Puppy Bowl when we were younger?” I smiled and acknowledged I remembered, he continued, “do you think we could watch that instead of the game this year!” I had to work to not let a loud “ahhh!” escape my lips. His ask was so cute, almost vulnerable, and quite unlike my oldest. I wonder if he’s realizing us watching the Super Bowl (or any shows) together is nearing an end, and he’s having some nostalgia for earlier days. Regardless, I’ll take it!

Watching the Super Bowl or Puppy Bowl makes no difference to me. My kids wanting to watch with us is the prize. How many folks think there will be some puppies named Taylor, or Swift, or Travis, or Kelce in the Puppy Bowl? Guess we’ll have to tune in and find out.

Enjoy the game!