Tag Archives: Raising Children

Close Friendships From Afar

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Having a close friend, or friends, move away can be hard.

When I was five, I had a friend named Mary. She is the first friend I can remember from my childhood. She lived in my neighborhood and I really enjoyed our playtime together. I recall one day being at her house and being told by my mother as she was picking me up to leave that this is the last time I would see Mary. “Mary is moving away,” my mother asked. “Why?” I responded. Mary’s mother chimed in that Mary’s father had gotten a job in another city that would require them to move. This was also the first time I can remember being pretty devastated. I couldn’t understand how adults could possibly separate children that had such a good time together. The job Mary’s father had, couldn’t possibly be as important, I thought.

It was the last time I saw Mary, and like any child my sadness at the situation faded as I realized the world went on and I would make other friends.

We have belonged to a parenting group since my oldest was born. The group has stayed together and met regularly ever since, even after many of us had our second child. We are a tight group, a supportive group and we deeply care about one another. One of the five families recently moved away. It was hard to come to terms with. You realize when people leave how you wished you spent more time with them while they were here.

I’m grateful for the time we had with this family, and even more grateful we have technology like FaceTime and Skype to keep us connected even though our dear friends moved far away. Seeing their faces makes them feel closer, and helps keep our connection strong.

I think about my children and what they think about their friends being so far away. Are they experiencing what I did with Mary? I know they’ll move on, but my hope is that through technology and occasional visits, my husband and I will model how with a little effort you can retain the best of friendships, even when you thousands of miles apart.

I’m reminded of my Girl Scout Days and the song, “Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” So true.

How have you dealt with relocation — your own, or friends or family? How did you help your children get through it?

Super Powers

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My youngest son entered kindergarten this year, and my husband and I felt it was time he learned to tie his shoelaces. We started with our older son when he was about six months younger than our youngest is now. It took six months to teach him how to do it, so we figured waiting until he was older might help our younger son, though we anticipated it would still take many months of training.

We started practicing about a month ago, having him untie his shoelaces. Then we moved to showing him how to tie them. We took baby steps in showing him how to do it being methodical in our approach. First you make an “x” with the laces, then put one lace over the other and pull it through. I wrestled with whether to continue with the bunny-ears-finding-the-bunny-hole method, or wrapping one lace around your finger and pushing the shoelace with your thumb, to complete the knot. I was trying to figure out what would be easiest for my son to learn. I thought he might struggle and wanted to ease him into this new task.

It took my son about three weeks to master tying his shoelaces. After my attempts to teach him the bunny ear method were unsuccessful, I shared my struggles with his teacher. She listened to what I said, and then took my son aside. She showed him to wrap the lace around his thumb and index finger using a cleaver method. She said, “Superman has to orbit the Earth to get Lex Luthor.” She pointed to my son’s thumb and said, “Where is Lex Luthor?” to which my son responded by pointing to his thumb. She continued, “In order for Superman to get Lex Luthor, he is going to have to push his way to him.” She showed him how to push the lace through to make a bow. He proceeded to mimic her exact instructions, and presto my son is now an expert shoelace tier. He was so proud of himself. It was great to see my son gain confidence in his own capabilities.

As I thought about this, I realized my son was more capable than I was giving him credit for, and I also was reminded that there are many other parents out there that have really creative ways to teach kids. I’m glad I was there to see this and learn from my son’s teacher. I was also glad to learn about my son’s super power (him gaining confidence in his own abilities is a super power to me). I know he has great potential like any child does, and I need to help him discover his.

What are your child’s super powers? How are you helping them discover theirs?

The Way, Way Back to School

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I feel like I’ve been taking a trip down memory lane lately. Some college girlfriends and I started sharing stories after seeing an article about our alma mater in the news. We exchanged stories of silliness, and naivety in our younger years. We also shared our gratitude that we made it through our college years relatively unscathed. We all feel very fortunate.

Since having kids, at the beginning of each school year I’m reminded of my own experience, the joy and excitement of being in grade school, the dread and angst of middle school years, and becoming a young adult in high school. I think about my kids and their own experiences. I wonder what their memories will include. Will their experience be similar to mine? What memories will their school years hold?

As the school year starts this year, I’m flooded with memories, time with friends, surviving the difficult times together and celebrating successes. Sometimes it seems like school was a lifetime ago, sometimes it feels like I graduated yesterday. Interesting how time and your memory can do that to you. Preparing for school takes me way, way back, and my kids bring me back to the present. I’m hopeful for what the school years bring for my boys. I’m excited about what they will learn and how they will grow, and that I get to be a part of it.

How are you preparing for the new school year? How are you taking your own experiences and helping your kids benefit from them?

Hidden Messages

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My husband is a self-proclaimed non-romantic. A bummer, I know. I have often dreamt of him having a romantic-switch buried deep down inside just waiting to be turned on. Of course, I’ve tried everyway I know from hints to outright asking him to try to be more romantic, attempting to will the switch on, and unfortunately the magical switch has remained dormant.

I used to think that him not being romantic had everything to do with me, as if there was a hidden message I should be reading into about me (e.g. perhaps I’m not worth being romantic for), instead of it having anything to do with him. I have learned over time and from some very wise sources that my husband is who he is and while romantic notions may be how I envision love being shown to me, he shows me his love in many others.

I started to think about hidden messages and how we can easily misconstrue what peoples actions or inactions, words or lack of words mean. This can occur not only between spouse or partners, but also between friends, and with our children. Specific to our children, meaning can be derived in the tone of voice we use, in the words we say or exclude. Do your children understand what you are communicating to them and why? Or are they reading into what you are saying without verbalizing it, much like I was reading into my husband’s non-cues?

While coming to the terms that having many romantic experiences in my life may not be in my future, I’ve recently learned that I may be wrong and that there is hope. Before my husband left for a business trip, we discussed how to stay connected while he was away. I told him how much I valued his observations or acknowledgements he makes about me or our relationship. He shared how much being able to see me and our boys meant to him. We connected via video chat each day after his departure, and he unveiled a hidden surprise. He left me notes hidden around the house. One for everyday that he was gone. How romantic! These hidden messages mean more to me than he will ever know. They not only helped carry me through the time while he was away, but have created a wonderful memory for me that I will treasure. The message was received loud and clear — I am worth being romantic for, and I still have a lot to learn about my husband.

Are there hidden messages in your relationship with your spouse or child? How do you ensure they are receiving your intended message?

Just Ask

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Have you ever needed to ask for help and been reluctant to do so? I found myself in that situation this past week. With a busy schedule, and demands piling up, my anxiety seemed to increase with each passing day. How would I get everything done in the upcoming weeks that I need to do? I thought. I ran various scenarios through my mind over and over again and came to the same conclusion. If I was going to do things on my own, I needed to accept that exhaustion and resentment for having to do it all myself would follow.

Someone suggested I ask others to help me out. Of course that sounds logical and rational, I thought, but as a woman I believe I was raised as many others were—not to ask for help. I was taught along the way that women, especially moms, are supposed to bear the “burden” (in whatever form the hardship takes), and asking for help somehow implies weakness or being inept. Or worse, forces us to reveal our imperfection!  Of course that sounds ridiculous. And have you noticed how men seem to have a much easier time asking for help when they need it?

Asking for help is a way for us to connect and care for one another, and is anything but a sign of weakness. It takes courage to ask. Someone could say “no” or they “wish they could but they can’t” and that’s okay. The fact that you were willing to put yourself out there and ask speaks volumes about you recognizing that you are worth it. We miss out on allowing others to show they care about us when we don’t ask. We miss out on an opportunity to grow when we don’t allow ourselves to receive.

A dear friend of mine has been going through some medical difficulties needing to go to doctor’s appointments and have meals brought to her. She didn’t ask for help, but her husband did. I gratefully accepted. It gives me great joy to bring a meal to share and spend time with my special friend.  It makes me feel like I’m doing something meaningful, worthwhile and I thank my friend for that.

It looks like I’ll have the opportunity to reciprocate with my growing pile of ‘to-dos’. I’m going to muster up the courage to ask some friends for help and I suspect those that are able to assist will be happy to do so.

Interesting how something so simple like asking for help can seem so hard.

Are you comfortable asking for help?

I Don’t Want to Grow Up

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Growing up isn’t easy. We tend to think of the difficulties of growing up as being a childhood challenge, but it afflicts adults as well.

My children recently watched the movie Peter Pan. Peter, Wendy, John and Michael’s adventures in Never Land really captured their attention. Peter Pan’s desire to never grow up really peaked their curiosity. You could almost see the words forming in their minds, is never growing up possible? They asked to watch the movie over and over again for weeks on end.

We recently took a family vacation (see my previous blog on road trip marketing toys). We agreed prior to going on our trip, that we would all travel to visit our family and then our oldest son would stay behind for a few days to have an adventure with his grandparents. Our son was excited. I can only imagine what he thought his adventure might include. While I knew he may fantasize that his adventures would be like Peter Pan’s, he knew there would no sword fighting or swashbuckling. Instead his adventure included learning new things like fishing, kayaking, hiking and enjoying the outdoors in a new environment.

The night before my husband, youngest son and I were due to leave I sat down with my son and talked about what would be happening in the upcoming days. He expressed that while he was excited for his adventure, he was sad too. He was going to miss us. I told him that we were going to miss him too. I explained that this was an opportunity for him to get to know his grandparents better and a chance for them to get to know him better. While they had watched his brother and him when they were younger they hadn’t had alone time with him. I told him that it was going to be an opportunity for all of us to be brave and that we’d all grow up a little bit from this.  My son would gain some maturity and confidence from being on his own, and my husband and I would gain some comfort in knowing that our son was blossoming outside of our immediate care. Our youngest wasn’t sure quite what he was going to gain for this experience. I explained, “You are going to get to grow up a little bit too. You’re going to get to spend some time with Mom and Dad one on one (something he’s never done before) and you’re going to see that you are okay on your own.” He replied, “I don’t want to grow up.” And while he wasn’t mimicking Peter Pan, I understood his sentiment. It’s hard to let something go that you love so much, whether it’s your childhood, your brother or leaving your child with his grandparents.

It was wonderful when our son returned home. It was a celebration. We learned a few things about each other on the trip. He traveled well with his grandparents, he picked up fishing and kayaking very quickly and he thrived being on his own. My husband, younger son and I grew too. We learned that while our nest won’t be empty for another decade or so, we have a taste for what it will be like. And while it will be sad when our boys are out of the house and on their own, it will be a celebration too. Of growing, gaining confidence and understanding that everything will be okay. We might not always look forward to opportunities that force us to grow up, but we were all a little bit better for experiencing them.

How do you help your child grow? How are you growing with them?

My Kids Went on a Road Trip and All They Got Were These Marketing Toys!

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Jim Gaffigan’s Dad is Fat book has some hilarious content that any parent can relate to. One chapter, “You Win, McDonalds” really struck home. My husband and I have often had discussions around the marketing of companies like McDonald’s and Legos. The marketing is so good it’s hard to fault either company with their success in these areas.

When we go on a road trip we almost always stop into at least one McDonald’s or one Cracker Barrel. We’ve tried other restaurants and McDonald’s wins out because of the happy meal and the cool toy they offer with it, and of course, most have a playground. And while we may not normally let our children go on the playground, mainly for time sake (though knowing they are not picking up any unknown germs is always reassuring) the fact that they have a playground screams “We Like Kids” to kids.  Cracker Barrel is a favorite, because you’ve got cool rocking chairs to hang out in on the porch (assuming you can find a free one) and you have to go through an awesome store in order to get to the restaurant. Everyone can find something they’d like to eat in the Cracker Barrel and can probably find something they wouldn’t mind buying too. To our kids Cracker Barrel screams “We Like Everyone!”

We recently went on a cross-country trip and spent many hours in the car. We inevitably hit a McDonald’s and a Cracker Barrel.  There were Happy Meals and miscellaneous knick-knacks purchased. And while the Happy Meal toy or the Cracker Barrel trinket may be easily forgotten, by our children they were part of good memories for all of us.

We went on a road trip. We drove hundreds of miles and survived with smiles on our faces. Success!

Where did my Money Go? Adventures in Children’s Marketing

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When I first had my oldest son, I was struck at how many things are marketed to children and how well it’s all done. It starts slowly. First, you are drawn into the clothes—after all your baby needs them, but you don’t want your baby to wear just anything, you want them to be hip, trendy, look cool or sweet. Then comes the furniture and how you decorate their room. There are so many choices and you want their room to reflect their future personality (mainly it ends up reflecting what you hope their future personality to be). Then comes the toys, development toys start first. They are marketed under terms like Einstein, Genius, and Smart. This marketing is brilliant in my opinion. It’s so simple and tugs at any parent’s primal desire to raise an educated child. Have you ever met someone who wants to have a dumb baby? I certainly haven’t. Of course we want to give our child every advantage so we buy, buy, buy. We can’t help ourselves.

As your child ages, you may become aware of these marketing trappings and may even have some success from getting caught up in the hoopla. If so, you are in the minority (but good for you!). Who hasn’t gone into a Target and thought I just need to buy my son a t-shirt, only to walk out $100+ later with a t-shirt, a couple pairs of shorts, an activity book or two, plus some shoes for the next season and some of the other items you’ve been meaning to buy. I actually avoid going to Target because I seem to fall into this trap almost every time. What just happened to my money? Did I really have to stop at the in-store Starbucks and get myself a drink? Why did I feel the need to buy all the other items now?

Target stores are inviting, they shout welcome, come this way! They are convenient and know who many of their customers are—parents! It’s genius.

Then your child will start to get into certain genres of toys. It will be their obsession. You just don’t know how long it will last. My oldest LOVED airplanes. His obsession started when he was two until we entered kindergarten. He wanted every airplane he could get his hands on, every airplane book or toy. My youngest LOVED (and still loves) all things related to the Pixar movie Cars. He wants any and every car associated with the movie or off-shoot and nothing seems to satiate his appetite for these toys.

My oldest has now moved from airplanes to Legos (as mentioned in previous posts). Lego is different than the Legos my husband and I were familiar with. You have to be a Lego fan or you won’t get caught up in the hype. Lego makes it easy to be a fan. And if you are a fan, you’re a goner. I made the mistake of coming across one their Lego Minifigure Collections when my children were young and we were getting ready to go on a camping trip. For anyone unfamiliar with Lego Minifigure Collections, they come out about once a year with a new series. Each series continues unique minifigures. Each minifigure costs approximately $3, cheap enough that you don’t feel guilty buying it. These minifigures come in packaging doesn’t allow you to know which character you are buying until you open it…it’s a mystery. I picked up four minifigure collection bags and gave two to each of my boys. It cost $12 and for the joy it brought them it was well worth the money, except…your children will want other minifigures in that same collection, or they’ll figure out there are other collections and want minifigures from that, and you didn’t pick those bags so now you have a choice: listen to your child beg, or go buy them more and hope that you find the correct character. I caved the first few times my children asked (after all what’s $3, right?) and bought each child another minifigure or two. Any parent that is honest will admit that you try to decipher what is in the bag before you decide to buy it. Is that a guitar for the rock star minifigure? Is that the helmet to the warrior minifigure? Does this have a gold feeling to it? (Lego enthusiasts familiar with the most recent minifigure collection will get this reference). Once I got repeat characters, I decided no more. It was like playing the lottery and realizing I was gambling away my money. No thank you, I think I may already be doing that at Target! Once I came to this conclusion, my children realized Mom would no longer cave. That doesn’t mean no more minifigures, it just means minifigures in moderation. Lego does make it hard to resist.

Genius. Pure genius.

Every time I feel like I’m starting to get smarter about how things are marketed to children and how I’m drawn in as their parent, I realize many companies still have a jump on me. How can I compete with them when we’re on… a road trip?

To be continued…

Summer BBQ

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One of my favorite parts of summer is having or going to a summer BBQ. Having good food while communing with good friends makes it something special.

As I watched the kids playing in the backyard, running around and laughing at the new game they created, I was struck with memories of my own childhood. Simpler times, where friendship and joy seemed easier to come by. It was living in the moment and recognizing the specialness of an occasion without anyone having to tell you so. As parents we can get caught up in trying to create great memories for our children. Buying them a special toy, planning that one-of-a-kind party, or taking them on a trip that stretches the budget. All are great, but require preparation and lack spontaneity. I’m reminded that its the simple things, like being together and enjoying each others company regardless of the time or place, that makes the difference, not the where or anything else.

The BBQs of my childhood were special, and I believe the BBQs my children attend will be special memories for them.

It was a good reminder for me. Keep it simple, and enjoy.

What are your favorite summertime memories?

How Will You Show Your Patriotism?

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The Time magazine cover story this week is How Service Can Save Us. The article addresses the challenges military veterans returning from war have faced, and how working on service projects with other veterans has positively affected them. The article caught my attention because it touched on something that I think is important—service. As a parent I have often struggled with when and how to introduce my children to service projects.

I was raised in a family that taught to be grateful for what you have and give back to others—through your time, talent or service.  Before I had children I envisioned us working on Habitat for Humanity projects and rolling our sleeves up in parks pulling weeds or doing some other form of landscaping even when they were small. I still have that vision, but its been somewhat modified. The reality has been that service oriented activities haven’t made practical sense largely because our children are just now getting to the age where they are physically able to join in, and help out. I realized that if we went on a service project that required any physical effort and focus perhaps our family would better serve the cause by sitting out (or supporting in a different way—donating money or food, etc.). I don’t think the organizers would appreciate us chasing our kids or cajoling them, flowers would have gotten picked than planted in lieu of us doing what we came to do, help. Ultimately my husband and I have delayed this type of service and instead of looked for other ways we can serve our community (through community organizations we believe to, volunteering hours and donating money).

There is something about doing a service project that is very fulfilling, can be very rewarding and very energizing. It feels good to help. It feels good to make a positive impact. It feels good to do hard work and see the end result. While I still think my family may be a few years away from joining a more adult-friendly service project, we are going to start seeking kid-friendly ones out. In the Time magazine article they provide some websites to different service groups for anyone looking to pitch in. One mentioned is ServeNet.org and is described as “dedicated to promoting service among children and teens.” Sounds like a good site for us all to check out.

Patriot is defined by Merriam-Webster as “one who loves his or her country and supports its authority and interests.” As we celebrate our country’s founding this 4th I’m reminded that being a patriot and showing our love for this country includes service, whether you serve in one of our armed forces, or you serve your community where you live. I believe we are not born with patriotism but something we each grow into it.

How will you show your patriotism this year? How will you help your child develop theirs?