Tag Archives: Control

Losing Control

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What do you want to have control over?

I might answer, “Everything?” The question mark is on purpose…having control of everything, in theory, sounds ideal, but could also quickly become overwhelming and problematic.

My youngest’s play will be performed on stage in the upcoming weeks. While he is beyond excited his work was picked, anxiety has crept in. Other students are producing the play and he hasn’t been asked for any input. While he was able to produce a snippet in the Spring playwright show, it was limited in showing his full intention for how the play should be preformed. The students producing the play have creative liberty to interpret and make the show as they see fit, with the characters and lines remaining as my son wrote them.

My youngest has extended his desire to help the producers as they work on his show, but they haven’t taken him up on it. Two things are causing his angst — being on the spectrum he wants things a certain way (don’t we all?) and fears too much of the play details are in his head (vs on paper), and he has essentially lost creative control of his baby. You pour your heart and soul into something — a book, music, or a play! — and someone might see it through a different lens than you, and not perform it the way you intended (content serious, not funny, music fast, not slow, etc.). There really isn’t anything he can do about this.

My son asked my husband and I for advice. “No one has reached out to me for my input on the show. Should I ask them again? Or maybe I should just drop by when they’re practicing?” We responded with a resounding, “No!” We talked to him about his concerns and how he doesn’t have control and how uncomfortable it can be, but he needs to trust his peers will do their best. He heard us, but having a hard time letting go of the idea he’ll have more influence or say in what gets performed. We also discussed what he might take away from this — can he be more detailed in his notes and stage direction, or anything else to lessen his concern in the future?

Losing control is almost always unsettling. It can leave you feeling untethered which can be scary, frustrating, and more. How do you or your child handle times when you don’t have control?

I Wish…

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If you could wish for anything, what would it be?

After seeing a cartoon where the main character was asked to make three wishes, my son turned to me and said, “Mom, what would you wish for?” I couldn’t help but say, “Three more wishes!” He smiled and said, “Okay, what would you ask for if you had six wishes?” I know what I would have said if I were the age of my son — more toys, or clothes, or money…whatever the wish would have been it would have included *MORE*.  As an adult, I had to think for a moment.  “Hmmm. I would wish that we all get to live a long, healthy life and no one dies from disease or tragedy.” “What else?,” my son asked, “You still have five more wishes left.” I kept going, though have to admit it was getting harder to think of what else I’d wish for. If I could guarantee my family would live long healthy lives, I don’t think I’d need anything more. “Okay…I’d wish for all of us to have fun all the time. I’d wish that all of our family members and friends are safe. I’d wish all people who were struggling would find hope or help.” I came up with my remaining wishes, but honestly it was pretty tough. The things I wanted to wish for were things I couldn’t control. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could?

After the holiday season ends, the January Blues can hit. It can make us wish for many things: for the cold and stormy weather to give way to warmth and sunshine; for a change of scenery; for a new start; for something better for us or those around us. Our wishes are endless. But what do you wish for that you can make a reality? Versus what is out of your control?

I’ve revisited the wishes I listed to my son and have revised my list slightly. I still wish I could guarantee that we’d all live long healthy lives (not in my control), but since I can’t my wish is that I make the most of each day and take nothing for granted more often (it’s not easy to do, but it is in my control), that I’d keep my eyes ‘open’ and experience what is around me more (not always easy to do, but still in my control), and find and experience joy when and where it happens more. I guess my older self still wanted more after all.

What do you wish for this year?

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