Tag Archives: Autism

Parental Frustration

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When was the last time you got frustrated as a parent?

My youngest is working on an essay that will have implications for what he does after high school. He has struggled with this exercise — how to get his ideas across in a way the reader will understand. His father and I, of course, have been his sounding board, coaches, and editors. We’ve told him that he wants to put his best effort into this and not have regrets on what he submits, so have been pushing him to rewrite, and continue to improve what he’s been working on.

As a kid on the spectrum, he sometimes struggles with instruction (or coaching). He’ll say “my brain works differently,” and he’s right. Sometimes he takes things literally and other times he can make things over complicated (I have this tendency myself). My husband and I have to try different approaches based on the situation.

He has made good progress on his essay, but his father and I think it can be better. My husband was asking my son to consider other ways to strengthen his message. My son was stating how he’d already done what was asked. Frustrations from both boiled over. My son retreated to his room. He came out after some time and asked for a hug. He tried whispering to me that dad was upset with him, and instead of allowing the conversation to be just he and I, I spoke so that my husband could also hear. I asked my son, “what is mom and dad’s job?” He responded as he and his brother have been taught from a young age, “to teach me things and keep me safe.” I reminded him that what we are trying to do is teach him and get the best out of him. The frustration comes from our approaches to helping/teaching him not working or getting through to him. “We feel like we’re failing you in these moments as your parents, and it’s frustrating because we’re not sure why what we’re trying to convey isn’t working. Our frustration doesn’t have to do with you, but our ability to teach you and help you.” My son smiled. My husband was listening too. We needed to have the discussion so that we were all on the same page and our goal was for my son to do his best.

Parenting has its moments, and getting frustrated is part of the growth we go through — why won’t my child stop biting, or hitting, or throwing a tantrum when they’re young; why aren’t they better behaved, have better manners, clean their room as they get older; and why won’t they listen or take my advice as the move into young adulthood. It can be painful, angering and much more. It’s realizing what’s behind it — why are we frustrated? Is it because our child is/isn’t doing something? Yes, but also because our responsibility is to teach our children to do (or not do) certain things, and when that doesn’t occur, we can internalize it as a slight on our capabilities (or lack thereof) as a parent. I’m a big believer in letting our kids in on this insight, so they don’t misunderstand and fill in the blanks (I’m bad, or not good because my parents get frustrated or upset with me).

When was the last time you got frustrated with your child? How did you work through it with them? What did you learn about yourself and your parenting approach after?

Exceeding Expectations

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When did your child last exceed your expectations?

My youngest, who is on the spectrum, is doing an exchange in a foreign country. Spectrum kids has several gifts that make them special including knowing their likes and dislikes, ability to concentrate (on likes with ease) and challenges being vocal about dislikes, having a harder time engaging in dislikes. You know that filter you get as you grow up that tells you when to be honest and when to hold your tongue? My son doesn’t really have that. He’s sometimes brutally honest with no intention of hurting anyone’s feelings, but just speaking his mind. 😬

I wondered when he left how he’d fare doing an exchange. We had the exchange student come here first so my son and he could get better acquainted. My husband and I have set out to have our kids be independent, and tried to give them confidence in their capabilities and pushing their comfort zones. I thought going overseas would be good “comfort zones” pushing for my son.

I knew when my son went overseas he’d be asked to do things he might not like doing — going places he’s not particularly interested in, or to try something (food, activity) he would prefer not to. I was mildly concerned he might struggle, and when he gets overwhelmed it can be difficult to experience (tears and/or anger). Would he be overly honest?

When he arrived in France, he sent a text message and a photo. The host mom sends me pics now and then too, which helps. He asked the following day when we should talk, and I recommended we talk one day over the weekend. He agreed. If he is struggling in any way, he’s doing a great job of keeping it from us. I expected to potentially hear from the host mom of some issues, but so far, there’s been nothing other than how his French is coming along. 😊

This is the first time he’s been away for us for this long, with a family he barely knows. It would be challenging for most of us to adjust, but he’s exceeding our expectations and seems to be thriving. He does text with pics from the day (if they did any exploring), but the messages and exchanges are short implying he wants to share vs needs to share and/or is struggling, He continues to amaze me as he grows. I, too often, think something may be more difficult, or too big a challenge for him and he proves me wrong. I hope he keeps doing that (along with me realizing, he is doing the work that will allow him not only independence, but an ability to thrive on his own).

When did your child last exceed your expectations? How are you adjusting your mindset or approach to your child as a result?

Summer Exploration

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What’s something new you’ve tried during the summer?

Our youngest is showing the city to our French exchange student. Taking him to popular tourists sites and having him experience a more typical day-in-the-life (going to the grocery store, checking out the library, helping around the house, hanging out on the deck). You can see my son learning him to host (while his dad and I work), and protect space for himself. It’s taken a few days, but he seems to be getting better at hosting, though I know there is a part of him that desperately wants to do whatever he wants without taking into consideration what our exchange student wants to do. As a spectrum kid, we keep encouraging him to have a more flexible mindset. Easier said than done, but we can see he is trying.

Our oldest is home for the summer, but out and about so much, it’s often like he isn’t here. If he isn’t working, he’s typically with his friends doing something regarding exercise, working on cars, or exploring. He recently joined some newer friends and went on a hike that had a 6000 ft elevation gain and required having an ice axe ( yikes!), and scrambling at that top. That’s too adventurous for me, but my son was eager to go. I was worried the entire day for his safety (would he push himself, get injured, or worse fall) until he texted to let me know he was okay. Worrying — something I suppose we’ll always do as parents, regardless our child’s age, right?

Summer is the longest stretch where the weather tends to be nicer (if not too hot) and ripe for exploring — a place or things to do. What exploring has your child or family done this summer?

The Gift of Connection

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Friends and loved ones, those you have meaningful connections with, creating a sending of belonging and joy.

My youngest struggles with making these types of connections, common for those with autism. He does have a core groups of friends he made in middle school, and a best friend he’s known since elementary but only got close to within the last few years.

When our exchange student arrived, it took her a few days and weeks to get comfortable in our home. My husband and I would fall asleep before the kids would and we learned months in that our exchange student and youngest son would have late night chats in the living room. Our exchange student shares would concern, silly things that happened or hopes, and my son would share the same. Over time, you could see a strong sibling bonding forming. They care about each other and are interested in how the other is doing.

Unbeknownst to my son, this was great practice for him in what meaningful relationships look like. His older brother and he would talk (when his brother lived at home), but was more guarded in what he shared, so while the practice my youngest experienced with our exchange student was much more impactful. I can see his growth when he is out with his friends. I’m grateful for the gift our exchange student gave our son while she was with us. We are missing her dearly since she’s returned home.

How do friendship and connections impact your child?

Foreign Communication

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My youngest has been accepted into a foreign exchange summer program. He’s thrilled to go explore a new country, and being a kid on the spectrum lies the (potential) problem.

When he gets an idea in his mind, particularly in something he’s interested in doing, his mindset becomes more rigid and narrowly focused. It can be a strength (knowing how to navigate a large public transit system without ever having to look at a map or timetable) and a weakness (going into a situation where he doesn’t have control). Note: many of us (neuro-diverse or not), struggle with control and a rigid from time to time.

We met the family he will be living with over video. The boys started communicating via text following. My son went into “all things travel” mode — asking questions about where they could travel to, transit options, and ideas he had. Yikes. I can only imagine what the host family is thinking.

The good (great) news is that we have our exchange student who has been with us, and knows something about connecting with host families prior to arriving. 😊 My son was sharing some of his disappointment in how some of his initial excitement had waned and he wasn’t hearing much from his peer. Once our exchange student and I listened she offered some ideas (I did too, but think he really took her ideas to heart). “Share something about you. Take a picture of your walk home. Show them the neighborhood or where we go to school. Ask them to show you where they live,” she recommended. He recognized his communication had been one-sided up to that point (all about him and his interests), and he understood the was value in starting over and them getting to know one another. He sent a text to say as such and felt better about things.

It is hard when someone you love so dearly struggles with understanding social cues, but I love that our exchange student was here, willing to help, and my son willing to listen. He has a new friend/sister who can help him (assuming he continues to be willing to ask). 😊 The rigid mindset, he’s aware of and we’ll continue to work on making it more flexible.

What’s hard for your child? How are you helping them work through or overcome their challenge?

Losing Control

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What do you want to have control over?

I might answer, “Everything?” The question mark is on purpose…having control of everything, in theory, sounds ideal, but could also quickly become overwhelming and problematic.

My youngest’s play will be performed on stage in the upcoming weeks. While he is beyond excited his work was picked, anxiety has crept in. Other students are producing the play and he hasn’t been asked for any input. While he was able to produce a snippet in the Spring playwright show, it was limited in showing his full intention for how the play should be preformed. The students producing the play have creative liberty to interpret and make the show as they see fit, with the characters and lines remaining as my son wrote them.

My youngest has extended his desire to help the producers as they work on his show, but they haven’t taken him up on it. Two things are causing his angst — being on the spectrum he wants things a certain way (don’t we all?) and fears too much of the play details are in his head (vs on paper), and he has essentially lost creative control of his baby. You pour your heart and soul into something — a book, music, or a play! — and someone might see it through a different lens than you, and not perform it the way you intended (content serious, not funny, music fast, not slow, etc.). There really isn’t anything he can do about this.

My son asked my husband and I for advice. “No one has reached out to me for my input on the show. Should I ask them again? Or maybe I should just drop by when they’re practicing?” We responded with a resounding, “No!” We talked to him about his concerns and how he doesn’t have control and how uncomfortable it can be, but he needs to trust his peers will do their best. He heard us, but having a hard time letting go of the idea he’ll have more influence or say in what gets performed. We also discussed what he might take away from this — can he be more detailed in his notes and stage direction, or anything else to lessen his concern in the future?

Losing control is almost always unsettling. It can leave you feeling untethered which can be scary, frustrating, and more. How do you or your child handle times when you don’t have control?

Growing, Growing, Gone

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How prepared is your child to go off on their own?

Our youngest decided to go to an overnight camp on the other side of the country. Worrisome enough for any parent, but throw in the fact that he’s 16, going on his own, and wanted to explore the transit in a large urban area he hadn’t explored (as much as he wanted) before made my nerves go through the roof. Not because my son isn’t capable — he navigated the tube in London flawlessly without ever consulting a map, but because he was going to be doing this on his own. What if he ran into a problem? Or people who were looking to take advantage of a younger person? It helps that my son is tall and people often think he is older than he is, but that can go both ways (good/bad) too. He showed us his itinerary and what he planned to do on his day in the city before the camp came and picked him up.

My husband and I spent time prepping my son. Bringing up scenarios and asking how he would handle or what he would do if he got into a situation where he needed help. It was a moment where we had to let him g(r)o(w) regardless how hard it was for us.

Because my son was going to the other coast there was a time difference and he would already be well on his journey before we woke up. He kept us posted on his stays, checking his luggage, paying train tickets, what routes he was on, etc. via text. I was calm but nervous. I looked forward to him being with the camp folks knowing he was safe.

The day went on, he was fine, and the camp got him safely mid-afternoon. I was relieved, and so proud of my son being able to do what he did. That night when we talked he shared how kind people had been, and how fortunate he’d been to make (train) connections and do all that he did. “We’re proud of you, you know?,” I said as we talked that evening, “but you should be even more proud of what you did yourself. You now know you can do this, and if traveling is something you want to do more of, you took a big step towards doing that.” He smiled and shared that he was proud of himself.

Gaining independence and confidence as you grow helps lessen the scariness of leaving the nest. Even though this mother bird still wants to protect her kids, I know I have to let them g(r)o(w).

How are you helping your child grow confidence in their abilities and independence?

Happy 4th. I’ll be away enjoying time with family and back later in July.

Chopping Wood

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Every good campfire needs wood, kindling, and fire. Everything worth learning takes patience, persistence, and love.

My husband learned to chop wood for fires growing up, whether it was for heating the house, or for cooking and warmth camping. My youngest is now learning how to chop wood, though for a different reason. He’s going to a rail camp and will need to drive and pull railroad spikes as part of the experience. We thought chopping wood — using an axe and learning to handle the weight, and movement — would be a good place to start. We also realized we’ve had few opportunities to teach our boys the skill of chopping wood, since it’s relatively easy to buy bundles near camp sites, and our house doesn’t have a fireplace that uses logs.

My husband and son went into our backyard to practice. My youngest reminded me a bit of myself when I was young and learning new things, being cautious and getting frustrated during the learning process. My husband worked with my son. Being on the spectrum, he can struggle with fine and large motor skills particularly when learning something new. My son frustrated that he was struggling and my husband irritated his guidance wasn’t yielding the intended result. But that happens, right? As parents we try to guide our children through life and it can be infuriating when they struggle to (or flat out don’t) understand, or listen, or follow our direction. We can get angry (because we’re human and it’s super frustrating when our words don’t land), but it also provides us an opportunity to stop, step back, and determine how to go forward. Continuing to do the same thing over and over and expect the result to be different is the definition of insanity, right?

My husband and son reached an impasse and decided to resume chopping wood the following day. My son will get the hang of it. My husband’s words will get through, just slower than he’d like. While the experience might be a bit painful for them both now, the outcome — my son learning to chop wood, and getting himself ready for what he’ll be doing at rail camp. I imagine my son will be proud he can participate with greater ease at camp ( than if he hadn’t learned), and his father will feel good about teaching his son another skill he can use throughout his life.

Teaching your child can be challenging and rewarding. What have you taught your child that pushed your patience, but paid off in the end?

The Test

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My youngest has been learning to drive for a little over a year. If it were left up to him, he’d never drive or get a car. He saw little value in getting a license. His father and I thought it important that he learn. “Having a driver’s license, and knowing how to drive is important.” He heard my words, but didn’t necessarily agree.

Practicing driving is nerve-racking for most parents. I desperately tried to keep my cool with him, but would occasionally (especially in the early drives) reach for the grab handle, or brace myself (maybe even close my eyes for a second?) as he drove too close to one side of the road or other, went too slow on the interstate, or struggled to change lanes with ease. I was proud that I rarely ever made an audible sound (unlike my own mom who was known for gasping, which made me more nervous, when I was learning to drive).

Our son finally got to a point where he could finally take the driving test. The first test we showed up for we learned he needed to take the knowledge test first (which we thought he’d already completed as part of the driving school classes he had taken), so we had to get that cared for. We practiced the questions night after night and a week later he took the test and passed. He was elated. Now we needed to take the driver’s test. We arrived to the appointment only to learn the evaluator was sick. He had been mentally prepared to take the test both times — aware of the importance of the test, and dealing with the nervousness you experience just wanting it over and behind you. He was disappointed but there was nothing we could do but reschedule the test.

We arrived at the testing facility. They said the test would take about 20 minutes. I found a nearby coffee shop and grabbed a drink to kill time. I was so nervous for my son. I wanted him to succeed. I knew he was prepared, but also nervous, and was unsure how it might go. I told him before the test that in the grand scheme of things the test means nothing. If he didn’t pass, we’d work on what he got wrong and he’d take the test again. It’s not like he was getting a terrible medical diagnosis or we were wondering where we’d sleep tonight, that it was just a test to prove he knows how to operate a car safely. I don’t know if it helped him, but it certainly helped me keep things in perspective.

He came back about 30 minutes later in the school car. He looked fine as he drove the car into the school garage. He came outside trying to keep a straight face. “You passed, didn’t you?” I asked. He smiled, “man, I was hoping to fool you!” His smile got as big as I’ve seen. He was so happy, tears of joy happy, relief, and pride that he had accomplished getting his license.

I was so happy for and proud of him. Being on the spectrum brought unique challenges to how he took driving instruction (particularly from his father and I), and learned how to drive, but he did it. The test seemed big and scary, but he overcame. Each success gives him that much more confidence in his growing independence. Now, if I could only get him to take the car out on his own (maybe even run an errand for mom?). 🥰

What’s a test your child experienced that helped them gain confidence from?

Model Building

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What is your kid enthusiastic about?

When my youngest was small (ages 3-8), he was obsessed with Cars (yes, capitalized, because I’m referring to the Pixar movie). 🥰 He developed a love of (lower case) cars as a result of the film (the best my husband and I can tell). This love of cars went up through his early teens. I can remember the countless hours of him playing with matchbox-sized cars (many in the form of Cars characters), lining them up, creating storylines, and making his own story with them coming to life (stop motion app, using mom or dad’s phone).

He’s older now and his tastes have changed. Cars (upper or lower case) no longer hold his attention. His loves have changed: geography, maps of the world, to trains, and then subway/transit systems. He is so interested (remember being on the spectrum, a super power is having clarity about your passion), he is participating in community board on transit for teens, various community events (openings, trivia nights, etc.), and wants to go into this field (city planning, transit advisor) as a career.

He has started collecting model subway cars to add to his already vast transit map collection. For his birthday, he asked for more models. He has traditionally wanted only completed models, but we thought we’d get him a kit and see if he’d enjoy building one. My husband has built model kits before (planes), so our sons have seen some of the joy this brings to their dad.

When our son opened the kit, we thought our chances were 50-50 that he’d want to build it, vs. having us send it back. I asked him if he’d like to work on it together and he said, “I’d like to work on this with dad because he’s done these things before.” I smiled—partially because he wanted to build it, and two, he wanted my husband’s help and not mine (I’m sure I could have helped him, but not sure I would have been the best partner). 😊

He and my husband set out working on the model subway car each night. Watching them work together on the build was something. There was excitement (for the model taking form), stress (oh no, we threw out the roof think it was trash, go check the recycling!), relief (thank goodness it wasn’t recycle pick-up week), and quiet love as they worked on the model figuring it out piece by piece. This model build may be the most special one for my son (and husband), since they built it together.

What have you and your child done together that’s been special and/or brought you closer?