Category Archives: Self Aware

Laser Focused

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What is your child into?

My youngest is passionate about public transportation and envisions himself working in this field. His passion, knowledge, and desire to learn more and make a positive impact in this field is inspiring. One of the super powers kids on the spectrum have is being clear on their likes and dislikes.

He has submitted an application to attend a specialized camp in this field, it’s competitive and unclear to us how many other potential campers he might be competing with. The application required him to share why he wanted to go to the camp and what he hoped to gain. He also had to get references. The application felt more like he was applying to college than a camp quite honestly. It was a good exercise though. It forced my son to get clearer on how to articulate why he wants this (attending this camp), and what he hopes to gain from the experience. It’s been so long since I was his age, I forgot how little you know at that age (on wording and phrasing), and needing help to take what’s in your mind down on paper so that the reader can understand.

My son also struggled with the references from two perspectives—identifying who would be good references and how to get the person to actually agree to be a reference. He struggled with what I think most of us do — understanding people see our positive traits and are more than willing to share their thoughts with others, vs. it brings a burden or causes an inconvenience. We worked on him identifying the references (two teachers and a community member), and helped him craft emails to reach out and make the ask. He was nervous asking, but thrilled when everyone he reached out to came back quickly agreeing to be a reference and one going as far as providing a written recommendation. It was wonderful to see his joy.

We don’t know if he’ll get into the camp, but are optimistic. Regardless of what happens he’s gained some skills (articulating his desires, asking for support), and knowledge (he can do it, and people are willing to help support). If he stays laser focused on continuing to grow in these areas, I believe he’ll be just fine. 🥰

How are you helping them to grow through their interest(s)?

New Year – New Day

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Any New Year’s resolutions?

Not here. Resolution by definition is deciding to do or not do something. I resolved not to make any resolutions when it seemed to cause me more stress than hope for positive change.

I’ve never encouraged my sons to make resolutions either. When my sons were young, we talked about how a new day brings an opportunity to start over — whether that’s in school, at home, in extra curricular activities, with others, etc. Knowing each day is a reset seems to soothe tough situations — getting upset, getting in trouble, struggling with anything (school work, assembling or taking apart a toy, trying something new or hard, etc.). Trying to do better, be better — whether that’s learning something new; being kind(er), or empathetic towards others; having patience; allowing yourself to feel your feelings; working through feelings; and the list goes on — is a daily goal I think we all should have.

As much as I’d like to think I know, I’m aware there is always more to learn. I work on this daily, whether it’s with coworkers, the boys I’m raising, my spouse, friends I engage with, and anyone else I interact with. I think ‘what went well’ (e.g., keep it up), ‘where was there a misstep or area I can I improve?’ (E.g., how can I improve in a future situation – listen more? Be more patient? Feel my feelings?, and work through them before responding?, etc.). It’s helpful for me, and a constant. I don’t stress about it because my goal is always the same — allow myself to notice how I ‘show up to others’, so I can not only be better but show up in life like I want to. I trying to arm my kids with this tool as well.

What do you resolve to do this new day or New Year?

Figuring Out Friendship

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Have you ever parted ways with a friend?

Parting has been easiest, for me, when our locations and situations took us different places and nothing was explicitly said. The door open to reconnect or resume the friendship is there should the opportunity arise. It’s hardest when betrayal or some type of perceived hurt has occurred — coming back from it might not be possible. Then there is everything in between.

My youngest in high school has reconnected with an elementary classmate, and together brought a third, newcomer, into their group. My son enjoyed getting to know his new friend, even walking home from school a few times together, until he didn’t. He started seeing differences between he and this new person which made him take an inventory for what he wants in a friendship. This new friend appreciates women based on looks more than anything else, and likes watching/listening to crude humor on his phone. I can’t say this is untypical of any teen, but what struck me was how off putting it was to my son. My son shared his friend had been vulnerable with him, and he was in turn, but then the friend started teasing him about what he opened up about, making him regret sharing at all. The final ‘blow’ was when the friend kept trying to get my son to engage with him during lunch period, and my son wanted no part. My son shared, “I don’t think I want you to be friends with him anymore.”

I’ve often felt my son wanted more friends, but what held him back was some challenges he faced by being on the spectrum (such as missing social cues), what I found was my son having clarity in what he wants in friendship and not being willing to settle.

We talked about the differences between he and his friend, with the main one being my son had had the good fortune of having teachers, and caregivers that modeled healthy relationships and strong emotional intelligence — give him tons of tools for his toolkit. His friend, hadn’t had these same resources and may not have the knowledge my son has. The comparison I made was my son have a full tool belt, uniform, and protective gear, and his friend being naked. I shared this with my son, so he would have empathy for his friend. He could either help his friend grow with his knowledge or part ways because the effort wasn’t worth it or the friend wouldn’t be open to it. My son took it under advisement and decided he wouldn’t proactively engage this friend, but wouldn’t outright tell him the friendship is over either. So far it’s worked out. Neither boy has really engaged the other and the loss of a friendship doesn’t seem to bother my son (or the other boy, best we can tell), at all.

Ending a friendship is never easy. Making a new friend isn’t easy either. How are you helping your child navigate friendship?

Talking with Your Kids about Racism, Injustice, and the Need for Change

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What happened to George Floyd is horrific.

As my family and I watched the aftermath and the juxtaposition between peace and unrest it forced us, as a family, to talk in a deeper way than we might have otherwise.

As a parent it is important to me to help my children be better people than I am. I’d like to think that I’m a good person, but know there is always room for growth. And while I’d like to think I’ve always been open-minded and self-aware, the truth is that came with time. I’m trying to help ensure my kids are open-minded and self-aware from the get go.

Based on this, it is why we’ve talked about racism, inequality, and injustice (for those of different color, religions, gender identity, sexual orientation, gun violence, etc.) as a family, and why our recent opportunity to read together has helped us have these conversations.

It can be incredibly frustrating when the injustices are so blatant, and you raise your voice (participating in peaceful protests, write to your govt officials, and vote) and nothing seems to change.

I’m reminded that change being made is often met with resistance. It’s hard. It isn’t easy. And if you really want change, you have to keep raising your voice, and demanding it. Even if it seems exhausting and infuriating and disappointing in how long it can take.

As parents, we play a role in this change. In how we make our kids aware of the injustices that still exist today, how we have empathy for others, appreciate diversity, and how we have to use the tools that we have (voice, and actions) to be the change.

How are you talking to your child about what’s going on? How are you helping your child be the change?

Head and Heart

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How does your child show others who they are?

My family and I were fortune to see Peggy Orenstein talk about her book Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity. My husband and I decided to have our sons attend with us. While the idea of having to hear about sex, intimacy, and porn with my kids made me uncomfortable, my husband and I knew if these topics were ‘out in the open’ we could talk more openly with our kids about what they are seeing, hearing, and thinking.

My kids shared my discomfort. “Mom, do we have to go?,” they asked. There was no getting out of it. If I as going to power through my discomfort so we’re they. We were going to this talk as a family. I did suggest a compromise, “I know you’re uncomfortable being with mom and dad at this event. If you want to sit away from us, that’s okay.” That seemed to make us all feel a little better.

One of the most powerful revelations I had during Peggy’s talk was when she shared what her work uncovered — that girls are taught to disconnect from their bodies (who you are is one thing, your body or outward appearance another), and boys are taught to disconnect from their heart (have feelings, empathy, etc., but not be able to show them). I thought about how I’ve seen my oldest son struggle with this. It’s like the empathetic kid I’ve known has been working hard to stuff his feelings and empathy way down–with it rarely surfacing as he ages. My husband and I have talked to him about toxic masculinity and encouraged him not to buy into it (or fall into its trap), but Peggy shared insights that helped outline just how hard that is. Our kids are up against what the see on TV, the internet, etc., and risk isolating themselves when they break from the “norm” — stand up for others, or freely express how they feel.

The talk has helped us start a more useful dialogue as a family around what our boys are up against. My husband and my’s goal is to teach them to keep their head and heart connected. It won’t be easy, but us being willing to be uncomfortable together has been for us a great place to start.

How are you helping your child be true to who they are?

Growing into Yourself

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How did you become the person you are today?

It’s not a simple question to answer.

It’s curious being a parent watching your children navigate who they are and want to be (now and in the future). My oldest son is very self-critical. He often gets frustrated when he can’t do something new exceptionally well the first time. He’s disappointed and gets angry that his body or mind requires him to work at something.

I don’t know where this comes from. We’ve always talked to our kids about hard work and how it pays off. How everyone, regardless how smart, strong, etc., has to work to hone their skill(s) and improve. He’s heard us talk about this numerous times, he’s heard teachers and coaches say this, but can only conclude that he believes our words don’t apply to him.

Until this last school year. For the first time Ive seen him want to get better on his own. It was as if he’d awakened and finally understood that if he wants to improve — in sports or school or anything else, he’s going to have to put in the work. During a student-teacher conference the teacher confirmed this growth / maturity my son had gained. I always feel it is a gift when someone acknowledges you in such a profound way. I could see my son appreciated the teacher’s comments as well. I left the meeting grateful that my son was maturing and taking a more active role in where life takes him, but I can’t put my finger on what led him to this realization, or desire to better himself. Is it self awareness that he lacked before and now found, or just a better understanding of how things work and realizing there are almost always no shortcuts to success?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know, but I’m somewhat in awe of watching my son grow into himself.

How are you helping your child grow into who they will become?