Category Archives: Empathy

Weathering the Storm

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Watching the destructive weather that has hit the southeast these past few weeks has been hard to take it. On one hand, you’re grateful you’re not in the path of the destruction, but scared, sad, and empathetic to those experiencing it, particularly when many of the people are family and friends (or remind you of your family and friends).

There wasn’t much we could do as Milton barreled towards Tampa. We had family recouping from major surgery (that couldn’t evacuate) in the area, and many loved ones scattered north, south, and east. No one seemed to be truly safe. Throw in the tornadoes that occurred relatively ‘far’ away from the center of the storm, high winds, and storm surge, and taking it all in from afar felt almost unbearable.

There were calls, and texts, before and after the storm. Grateful when you learned someone was safe, nerves when you haven’t. After I had reached out to immediate family, my youngest asked who else I’d checked on. “Mom, we have to make sure everyone is okay.” I appreciated his genuine concern, and him reminding me to continue reaching out, even though electricity, connectivity, and accessibility (coming to and from where you have access to these things), are not available for many and likely won’t be for some time. Waiting to hear is hard.

I think about those that have lost their home, or possessions, or a loved one. I think about schools being closed, how these traumatic events affect adults and children — it changes you. Seeing everyone pitching in regardless their socioeconomic status, or political leaning, or religious affiliation, come together to help on another, makes me hopeful for how we weather these storms. Community — us coming together—is your family during these times.

What storms (literal or figurative) have you and your family weathered?

The Attitude of Gratitude

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Being grateful for the gifts in life is a daily practice for our family.

At dinner, we pray before eating focusing, most often, on what we are grateful for — the sun being out, doing better on a test than we thought we would, having a work project completed, our cat being cute and doing cute things (almost always included by my youngest). We sometimes get more serious and talk about the basics that we are thankful for—food to eat, a warm place to stay, our loved ones, our health, and the health of loved ones. The basics are what we are most grateful for. It’s hard to imagine (bear the thought) of those without. Never wanting to take the basics for granted or helping those without when we can.

There is much to be concerned about in the world, that can feel overwhelming (How can we help? What will it take to stop others suffering from war, abuse, or lack of resources?). If we’re not careful we can lose sight of the good things happening around us.

My husband works weekly with a program that serves hot meals to an often neglected part of the community. The guests may have mental health struggles, addiction, homelessness, or a combination of these things and more. He enlisted our sons to help when they were in middle school, having them join him periodically to help dish up, or serve/hand-out the meals. I join them, as well, from time to time.

The boys have learned a few things by doing this—there are a lot of good people out there (despite our political views, socioeconomic status, or education level), we are more alike than different; we all want the same basics—food, shelter, and connection; and what brings us together is an attitude of gratitude. Those cooking and serving want to help ease the suffering of others, or, at least, provide respite for a few hours. Those that receive are allowing themselves to be vulnerable to this community with the hopes of filling their often empty stomachs, and feeling warmth (literally and figuratively) and connection from those welcoming them in. It is a two-way street of gratitude.

What are you and your family thankful for?

I’ll be off for the Thanksgiving holiday and back in December.

Figuring Out Friendship

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Have you ever parted ways with a friend?

Parting has been easiest, for me, when our locations and situations took us different places and nothing was explicitly said. The door open to reconnect or resume the friendship is there should the opportunity arise. It’s hardest when betrayal or some type of perceived hurt has occurred — coming back from it might not be possible. Then there is everything in between.

My youngest in high school has reconnected with an elementary classmate, and together brought a third, newcomer, into their group. My son enjoyed getting to know his new friend, even walking home from school a few times together, until he didn’t. He started seeing differences between he and this new person which made him take an inventory for what he wants in a friendship. This new friend appreciates women based on looks more than anything else, and likes watching/listening to crude humor on his phone. I can’t say this is untypical of any teen, but what struck me was how off putting it was to my son. My son shared his friend had been vulnerable with him, and he was in turn, but then the friend started teasing him about what he opened up about, making him regret sharing at all. The final ‘blow’ was when the friend kept trying to get my son to engage with him during lunch period, and my son wanted no part. My son shared, “I don’t think I want you to be friends with him anymore.”

I’ve often felt my son wanted more friends, but what held him back was some challenges he faced by being on the spectrum (such as missing social cues), what I found was my son having clarity in what he wants in friendship and not being willing to settle.

We talked about the differences between he and his friend, with the main one being my son had had the good fortune of having teachers, and caregivers that modeled healthy relationships and strong emotional intelligence — give him tons of tools for his toolkit. His friend, hadn’t had these same resources and may not have the knowledge my son has. The comparison I made was my son have a full tool belt, uniform, and protective gear, and his friend being naked. I shared this with my son, so he would have empathy for his friend. He could either help his friend grow with his knowledge or part ways because the effort wasn’t worth it or the friend wouldn’t be open to it. My son took it under advisement and decided he wouldn’t proactively engage this friend, but wouldn’t outright tell him the friendship is over either. So far it’s worked out. Neither boy has really engaged the other and the loss of a friendship doesn’t seem to bother my son (or the other boy, best we can tell), at all.

Ending a friendship is never easy. Making a new friend isn’t easy either. How are you helping your child navigate friendship?

Know it All

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Is your child/teen a know-it-all?

I recall going through this phase in high school, around the same age as my oldest is now, thinking yea, I understand pretty much everything, what else is there to learn? I can even recall some male classmates raising this and we all agreed. We thought we had it all figured out. Cue laughter, right?

I realize my son’s brain is still forming and he is trying to gain more independence and determine who he is, but the angst I feel — particularly as his time under my roof is shortening, I stress. What have I not taught him? Will he still listen to me, my advice, and guidance? Or has that period of time already passed me by? Does he see his good qualities, does he recognize his strengths? What logic is he using to make decisions? And the list goes on.

He’s a good kid. Yes, I’m biased but believe it to be true. He’s not rebelling outwardly (other than minimal communication). His grades are good. Friends nice. He involved in activities. Than why do I feel so uncertain about preparing him for his future? What have I missed? How can I still help shape who he’ll become?

You might say ‘listen to him’ — when he speaks, believe me I listen. 😊 Don’t judge or criticize — that one may be hard for me especially if I think he’s making a mistake, but I’m going to try. Work to understand him — if he’ll let me, I’m there! And I’m sure there’s more (including being empathetic).

It’s funny how you think you have everything figured out as a teen, and question what you know when you have one. 🥰 Im trying to practice empathy for myself during this period and trying to take it one day at a time.

What advice help you get through uncertain times with your kid?

Talking with Your Kids about Racism, Injustice, and the Need for Change

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What happened to George Floyd is horrific.

As my family and I watched the aftermath and the juxtaposition between peace and unrest it forced us, as a family, to talk in a deeper way than we might have otherwise.

As a parent it is important to me to help my children be better people than I am. I’d like to think that I’m a good person, but know there is always room for growth. And while I’d like to think I’ve always been open-minded and self-aware, the truth is that came with time. I’m trying to help ensure my kids are open-minded and self-aware from the get go.

Based on this, it is why we’ve talked about racism, inequality, and injustice (for those of different color, religions, gender identity, sexual orientation, gun violence, etc.) as a family, and why our recent opportunity to read together has helped us have these conversations.

It can be incredibly frustrating when the injustices are so blatant, and you raise your voice (participating in peaceful protests, write to your govt officials, and vote) and nothing seems to change.

I’m reminded that change being made is often met with resistance. It’s hard. It isn’t easy. And if you really want change, you have to keep raising your voice, and demanding it. Even if it seems exhausting and infuriating and disappointing in how long it can take.

As parents, we play a role in this change. In how we make our kids aware of the injustices that still exist today, how we have empathy for others, appreciate diversity, and how we have to use the tools that we have (voice, and actions) to be the change.

How are you talking to your child about what’s going on? How are you helping your child be the change?