Category Archives: Connecting

Time to Relax

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I’ve blogged before about the need we have to recharge ourselves and give ourselves back energy. We risk burning out, may experience negative feels (anger, resentment, frustration) more easily, and make it tough to bring our full self to anyone (child, spouse, etc.) or thing (work, friendships, etc.) if we don’t do it.

I was fortunate enough to be able to give myself a big energy boost recently. I met up with some of my girlfriends and spent four fabulous days with them. During our time, we had deep connected discussions, I slept peacefully (with no interruptions or small people jumping on me unexpectedly!), I was able to relax and let all (or at least most) of my stresses go. It was only for a few days, but it felt great. I missed my children and my husband, but knew they were having fun and everyone was fine during my absence. It was hard to get away when my kids were younger, I felt tremendous guilt when I had to leave them even for a day. I felt guilty for putting all the responsibility of taking care of our boys on my husband. It was misplaced guilt. My husband enjoyed and still enjoys taking care of the boys by himself, it gives them a chance to be together and have their own special time, just like I’m having mine.

It can be difficult to find ways to give yourself that needed rest or energy boost you need, especially without feeling guilty, but it’s so needed, and can be an excellent opportunity for new connections and a recharge for all.

How do you relax? If you experienced any guilt, how did you work through it?

Time

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There never seems to be enough time, does there? There is always something going on, or needs to be done and time can easily get away from us. I often wish there were more hours in the day or that I had a Time Turner necklace like Hermione had in the Harry Potter series. Something to allow me to get everything done that I need to, and allow me to spend the quality time I want to with my family. Alas, time turners don’t exist nor do I anticipate the length of the day changing anytime soon. So what’s a parent to do?

I was fortunate enough to lead a parenting group discussion this past week and participate in another that had multiple speakers. With everything going on this week, including all the Halloween events, it could have easily been an overwhelming seven days. What I found was that speaking to the group of parents and participating in the other helped me in many ways. I was engaged in both discussions and felt alive versus going through the motions. I felt energized and whole. I learned valuable insight during both events. I was reminded of the power of, and energy boost I get from, being fully present not only with the adults around me, but also with my children. I was prompted to re-evaluate time — where I spend it, where I want to spend it and who I want to spend it with? The answers, though once difficult to articulate, now come with ease. I want to spend my time learning and sharing what I know with others. I identify strongly with being both a student and a teacher. I want to spend time with people who see value in what I have to offer, regardless if it’s a captivated audience (my children) or those that proactively seek me out. I want to spend time with people I care about most, my children and husband, and others who are special to me.

One of the speakers this past week shared a wonderful quote that I think summed up time best. “The days are long, but the years are short.” I think this statement captures time as a parent beautifully, though the days never seem long enough, and the years seem to get shorter and shorter (or go by quicker and quicker).

As we enter the beginning of the holiday season, where will you spend your time? Where do you want to spend your time? And who do you want to spend it with?

Close Friendships From Afar

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Having a close friend, or friends, move away can be hard.

When I was five, I had a friend named Mary. She is the first friend I can remember from my childhood. She lived in my neighborhood and I really enjoyed our playtime together. I recall one day being at her house and being told by my mother as she was picking me up to leave that this is the last time I would see Mary. “Mary is moving away,” my mother asked. “Why?” I responded. Mary’s mother chimed in that Mary’s father had gotten a job in another city that would require them to move. This was also the first time I can remember being pretty devastated. I couldn’t understand how adults could possibly separate children that had such a good time together. The job Mary’s father had, couldn’t possibly be as important, I thought.

It was the last time I saw Mary, and like any child my sadness at the situation faded as I realized the world went on and I would make other friends.

We have belonged to a parenting group since my oldest was born. The group has stayed together and met regularly ever since, even after many of us had our second child. We are a tight group, a supportive group and we deeply care about one another. One of the five families recently moved away. It was hard to come to terms with. You realize when people leave how you wished you spent more time with them while they were here.

I’m grateful for the time we had with this family, and even more grateful we have technology like FaceTime and Skype to keep us connected even though our dear friends moved far away. Seeing their faces makes them feel closer, and helps keep our connection strong.

I think about my children and what they think about their friends being so far away. Are they experiencing what I did with Mary? I know they’ll move on, but my hope is that through technology and occasional visits, my husband and I will model how with a little effort you can retain the best of friendships, even when you thousands of miles apart.

I’m reminded of my Girl Scout Days and the song, “Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” So true.

How have you dealt with relocation — your own, or friends or family? How did you help your children get through it?

Hidden Messages

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My husband is a self-proclaimed non-romantic. A bummer, I know. I have often dreamt of him having a romantic-switch buried deep down inside just waiting to be turned on. Of course, I’ve tried everyway I know from hints to outright asking him to try to be more romantic, attempting to will the switch on, and unfortunately the magical switch has remained dormant.

I used to think that him not being romantic had everything to do with me, as if there was a hidden message I should be reading into about me (e.g. perhaps I’m not worth being romantic for), instead of it having anything to do with him. I have learned over time and from some very wise sources that my husband is who he is and while romantic notions may be how I envision love being shown to me, he shows me his love in many others.

I started to think about hidden messages and how we can easily misconstrue what peoples actions or inactions, words or lack of words mean. This can occur not only between spouse or partners, but also between friends, and with our children. Specific to our children, meaning can be derived in the tone of voice we use, in the words we say or exclude. Do your children understand what you are communicating to them and why? Or are they reading into what you are saying without verbalizing it, much like I was reading into my husband’s non-cues?

While coming to the terms that having many romantic experiences in my life may not be in my future, I’ve recently learned that I may be wrong and that there is hope. Before my husband left for a business trip, we discussed how to stay connected while he was away. I told him how much I valued his observations or acknowledgements he makes about me or our relationship. He shared how much being able to see me and our boys meant to him. We connected via video chat each day after his departure, and he unveiled a hidden surprise. He left me notes hidden around the house. One for everyday that he was gone. How romantic! These hidden messages mean more to me than he will ever know. They not only helped carry me through the time while he was away, but have created a wonderful memory for me that I will treasure. The message was received loud and clear — I am worth being romantic for, and I still have a lot to learn about my husband.

Are there hidden messages in your relationship with your spouse or child? How do you ensure they are receiving your intended message?

Summer BBQ

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One of my favorite parts of summer is having or going to a summer BBQ. Having good food while communing with good friends makes it something special.

As I watched the kids playing in the backyard, running around and laughing at the new game they created, I was struck with memories of my own childhood. Simpler times, where friendship and joy seemed easier to come by. It was living in the moment and recognizing the specialness of an occasion without anyone having to tell you so. As parents we can get caught up in trying to create great memories for our children. Buying them a special toy, planning that one-of-a-kind party, or taking them on a trip that stretches the budget. All are great, but require preparation and lack spontaneity. I’m reminded that its the simple things, like being together and enjoying each others company regardless of the time or place, that makes the difference, not the where or anything else.

The BBQs of my childhood were special, and I believe the BBQs my children attend will be special memories for them.

It was a good reminder for me. Keep it simple, and enjoy.

What are your favorite summertime memories?

Let’s Have an Adventure

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What family vacations come to mind from your childhood?  Road trips? Camping? Visiting friends or family?

As a child, my family was a ‘road trip’ kind of family. We drove everywhere, regardless of the distance. Our trips were educational. We saw a lot, learned a lot, and after a while, got on each other’s nerves a lot. But we enjoyed the experience together and have many great memories as a result. As a young adult, I often felt like many of our family vacations were FFF – Forced Family Fun, but in reality, they were an adventure.

An adventure is defined as an exciting or remarkable experience. I can remember getting ready for our trips, packing our suitcases, and thinking about the games we’d play in the car. It was exciting, we were going to see and do something new. Even if we were going to see our relatives or go to a new place, our road trips were never quite the same.

This summer, we have planned many adventures for our family. There will be camping, long drives, and lots of time together. My husband and I can’t wait. The kids seem excited too. I wonder if they’ll think back and have fond memories of our time together, or if they’ll think of these trips as Forced Family Fun.

We are building memories, and I’m treasuring each one. To see my sons faces once we get to our destination, to see them enjoying finding bugs in the outdoors, roasting marshmallows over the campfire, watching waterfalls in awe, or seeing their joy as they jump into a pool, I’m not sure being a parent gets much better than these moments.

What adventures do you have planned for this year?

Marriage IS Work

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In SNL’s season finale, host Ben Affleck talked about hosting for his fifth time, and also poked fun at his acceptance speech at the Oscar with her wife, Jennifer Garner. She joined him on stage to discuss the famous comment from his speech that “marriage is work”.

While he worked to explain himself and what he meant by his comment to the audience and his wife, the unspoken message came through loud and clear—anyone who is honest about marriage will agree with what he said: marriage is work. Any relationship worth holding onto takes work. Think of the work we put into connecting with our parents, our children, our friends and each other. In some relationships the work seems effortless, in others it can be exhausting.

When I met my husband, I instantly liked him. We shared a lot in common. It was easy to make a connection with him because he was easy to relate to. After being married for several years, we learned that while we could relate to one another, we weren’t connecting as deeply as we wanted to, or stated more accurately, how I wanted to.

We have worked on connecting more deeply in recent years. Making ourselves more vulnerable to each other, and freeing ourselves to speak more honestly. While uncomfortable at first, it has become easier for both of us with time. Being accepted as I am, truly as I am, is really freeing. I am able to love my husband more deeply and we are able to enjoy each other more fully. That’s not to say we don’t occasionally hit a bump in the road. We know that’s not possible, we may have disagreements, and we just work through them.

Marriage is work, in the best sense. Parenting is work. Life is work. Sometimes the work seems effortless, sometimes it can seem exhausting, but it always feels worth it.

Cup of Life

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My oldest son raced through the door one day after school, threw his backpack on the floor, and turned to me and said, “Don’t forget to come watch me dance tomorrow at the assembly.” What dance? What assembly? What are you talking about? I thought. He hadn’t mentioned anything about learning a dance or about an assembly until that afternoon. I quickly emailed some of the classroom parents to see what they might know. Sure enough a note quickly came back confirming my son, along with his class, would be doing a dance during the afternoon assembly the following day.

Oh no, I thought, what am I going to do? I’ve got a job. I’ve got commitments. I’ve got meetings! I tried to let my son gently know that I would try my best to be at his assembly the next day, but I had commitments that I had made, and responsibilities I needed to keep. He looked at me as seriously as I’ve ever seen him look and say, “Mom, I know you’ll make it.” I knew the assembly meant a lot to him, and even though I wish I’d had more warning, I knew I’d have to give it my best shot. After a couple of deep breaths, I logged onto my computer and saw that I had a window of time that coincided with when the assembly would be and would be able to attend after all. What a relief!

I arrived at his school and watched as his class came in. He met my eyes and got the biggest smile on his face. He signaled a “thumbs up” and I gave him one in return. It turned out not only was his class performing, but all the classes in his school were performing, it was quite a treat. Each class danced to a different song and style of music. Their routines allowed members of each class to show their individual dance style. My son’s class danced to Ricky Martin’s “Cup of Life.” The song’s chorus concludes with Ale Ale Ale, a with music and cheering at sporting events, like ole. It’s a celebratory phrase commonly associated with music and sporting events. I thought the phrase was perfect for my son and his class’s performance.

It was rewarding to see these kids who danced without inhibition. They all wanted to do a good job, you could see the concentration on their faces, but you could also see the joy, and fun they were having. Each class cheered the other on. It was quite a display of support and encouragement.

As my son’s class danced so energetically to their song, I thought, this is what life is all about—working together, playing together, enjoying each other without worrying about being judged, or made fun of–it truly captured what life, or the cup of life, is and should be.

Ale ale ale

Survive and Advance

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ESPN’s 30 for 30 is currently airing “Survive and Advance.” It is the story of Coach Jim Valvano and his 1983 NC State Wolfpack team who won the highly coveted NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship against all odds. It’s a gripping story about a coach who had an amazing gift for connecting and teaching others lessons that transcend the game of basketball and applied to how to live your life. Jim Valvano, also known as Jimmy V, received a diagnosis of cancer and sadly passed away in 1993. Twenty years later he continues to inspire.

The title of this documentary is perfect. Coach Valvano and his team survived many close games, often coming back from behind right at the very end, to advance to the next round towards their ultimate goal—a championship.  Its clear in the documentary that while luck may have played a part, there was a lot more to it and that was Coach V. Coach Valvano believed in his team with a passion, he believed that he would win a championship and that his team would win a championship. He had this dream, and felt so strongly about it he had his team practice cutting down the nets so they would know what it felt like. He shares that he knew how difficult it would be to win a championship, but that his father had given him a great gift—a  belief in him that he could do anything. Wow, I thought, what an amazing gift. When the diagnosis of cancer came, he fought it with the same belief that he could do anything, he would beat this. He went to great lengths to survive and advance (live) every possible day. Towards the end of his battle the Jimmy V Foundation was set-up to raise money to beat (cure) Cancer.  The motto of the Jimmy V Foundation is “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.”

This story really spoke to me as a parent. When our child is born, we go into survival mode. It can sometimes feel like a struggle to make it to the next day.  But over time as we get more comfortable with our abilities we advance, and are given the awesome task of shaping our child into an amazing, capable human being.  We can inspire our children, get them to dream, and give them confidence in themselves by showing them we believe in them. We can support them as they grow, teach them and guide them to never ever give up, on their dreams or themselves.

Thank you Coach Valvano for being such an inspiration.

How do you inspire? How do you dream? How do you survive and advance?

What Makes Your Heart Sing?

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Did you ever have the fantasy, as a child or young adult, that a secret admirer knew how incredible you were, somehow knew your favorite flowers and would pronounce their love for you bearing gifts on Valentine’s Day to the world?  Bear with me if you didn’t, because I had this Cinderella-type dream as a kid. I could visualize how it would happen, though couldn’t quite make out who my prince was. Regardless, the idea of some mystery boy being into me really made my heart sing, or, at least that’s what I thought back then.

As I grew older, I discovered Valentine’s Day might not be all it was made out to be. I stressed as a younger woman about having a valentine—not good for my self-esteem, the mystery prince was nowhere to be found, and as a mature adult the holiday seemed more confusing than satisfying.  Do people actually need to wait until Valentine’s Day to show or receive love from each other? That doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?

My children love Valentine’s Day, not because they understand what all the fuss is about, but because they know there’s a good chance they’ll get some Valentine’s Day-themed goodies from Mom and Dad. Chocolates that come in a heart shaped box—cool!  We make a point to tell our children we love them everyday, and often multiple times a day. And when they get older we’ll talk to them about the holiday and ways to really show someone you care as you experience it, not saving it for February 14th.

I love getting flowers from my husband, but love connecting with him even more. Talking about things other than work or the kids, getting a foot rub, or him taking my hand unexpectedly makes me feel close to him and really loved. To think that my husband and I have the opportunity to teach our boys how to express their feelings for someone they care about when they feel it makes me smile.

In fact, it makes my heart sing.

What makes your heart sing?