Category Archives: Change

Change is in the Air

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What has changed recently in your family?

I received a weekly school announcements newsletter from our youngest’s school. Normally I open and discard these notices within a few seconds of receiving them. This particular week, something caught my eye. An urgent need for student housing so they could stay at my son’s school. With our oldest out of the house, we had the space. I empathized with the student’s situation and had a strong feeling that not only that we could help, but we should.

We discussed the situation as a family — would everyone be okay if we let this new person become a family member for the remainder of the school year. Everyone agreed. My youngest loved the idea of having another sibling. 😊

We made inquiries and the student will be joining us soon. There is a mixture of excitement and nerves. Similar to the feeling I had before our children arrived, and the weight of the commitment sinking in — what exactly are we getting ourselves into? I’m going in with a sense of adventure—and hoping we learn as much from them as they us, and that they like us, and feel cared for a safe.

What new people (or pets) have come into your families lives and how have they changed it?

Time to Fly

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What time(s) have been hard for you to let your kid go? For me, those times included:

• First day of daycare — leaving him in someone else’s care

• First time with a babysitter

• First day of school (kindergarten, elementary school, middle and high school)

• First time spending the night away from home

• First time traveling by himself

• First time driving by himself

And now, the biggest shift, is my son living away from home for the first time. My oldest isn’t far, but we’ve encouraged him to treat this opportunity to live on his own as a growing experience — him understanding what he’s capable of, him learning more about himself and how he wants to show up in the world, and gaining confidence around his growing independence — and that means, living away from us, problem solving on his own, and working through any discomfort he is experiencing (new place and people).

The moments leading up to him being officially moved out were peppered with excitement for him and worry, and second guessing for me (he’s going to be okay? We’ve prepared him for this, right?). How has 18 years gone so quickly? The years race through my mind every time I think about it.

We were fortunate to be given a booklet to help my husband, I and our son adjust to the change, as we move from “parenting” to coach, and supporter. The booklet had us discuss values (my son and my husband and mine), with the goal of giving all of us clarity on what our son’s values are and how, by knowing this, we can better support him. It also had us talk through expectations and ensure we’d discussed everything from what we expected (or didn’t) of him from his behavior, accomplishments, drugs, alcohol, and sex. I so wish my parents had had this information at their fingertips when I first was on my own.

My hope is that we’ve provided (or are providing) our boys roots with wings. During a final hug at the train station, I told my son, “you’ve got this.” It was important for him to know we believe in him. He knows he can do it too, but like anytime you make a sizable change you can feel a little unsteady. Allowing yourself to adjust to the change is often the toughest (and should I say ‘scariest’) part.

I have to adjust now too, to allowing my oldest to fly, make his own choices and mistakes, and not jump in to problem solve for or ‘save’ him. This moment is bittersweet. If I did my job as a parent he’ll figure out how to soar. I have to mourn the end of this part of our parenting journey, and adjust to what comes next.

What parenting phase are you in? How do you adjust to new phases as they arise?

Leaving the Nest

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Where has time gone?

Our oldest graduated from high school and is preparing for what comes next for him in the fall. We anticipate him living on his own and officially leaving the nest, at least for the time being.

At his graduation ceremony I tried to wrap my head around how fast time had gone. When he was born, time seemed to go sooooooo slow. When would he nap? When could we move to the next activity and break up the monotony? How much longer would we be at the park? Or on a walk? When would I talk to another adult about something other than my child? When would I get my body back? Etc.

Time, of course, started to go faster, at least a little, as my son grew, and became more independent—able to dress himself, get himself into the car and more. Time still seemed slower, but faster than it previously was.

When he went to middle school time picked up noticeably, until COVID hit, and it felt like we were back in the early parenting days when time moved like molasses.

In high school, COVID still slowed things but as it lifted time started speeding up. Him getting his drivers license and having more freedom really accelerated time. The last two years a blur. I can remember clearly the permanence of parenthood setting in when he was a few weeks old, and how fleeting the next 18 years had gone by.

It’s a bittersweet feeling. You’ve raised your child, your main role and responsibilities over. And, we’ve raised our child and our main role and responsibilities over.

This is a transition for sure, and I’m working to take it all in. Where we’ve been, where we are, and what comes next. I’d love to slow time, but it’s out of my hands. I’m hopeful we’ve given our son roots with wings, so he flies and wants to spend time with mom and dad in the future.

What milestones are going (or have gone) through? How do you view time?

New Year – New Day

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Any New Year’s resolutions?

Not here. Resolution by definition is deciding to do or not do something. I resolved not to make any resolutions when it seemed to cause me more stress than hope for positive change.

I’ve never encouraged my sons to make resolutions either. When my sons were young, we talked about how a new day brings an opportunity to start over — whether that’s in school, at home, in extra curricular activities, with others, etc. Knowing each day is a reset seems to soothe tough situations — getting upset, getting in trouble, struggling with anything (school work, assembling or taking apart a toy, trying something new or hard, etc.). Trying to do better, be better — whether that’s learning something new; being kind(er), or empathetic towards others; having patience; allowing yourself to feel your feelings; working through feelings; and the list goes on — is a daily goal I think we all should have.

As much as I’d like to think I know, I’m aware there is always more to learn. I work on this daily, whether it’s with coworkers, the boys I’m raising, my spouse, friends I engage with, and anyone else I interact with. I think ‘what went well’ (e.g., keep it up), ‘where was there a misstep or area I can I improve?’ (E.g., how can I improve in a future situation – listen more? Be more patient? Feel my feelings?, and work through them before responding?, etc.). It’s helpful for me, and a constant. I don’t stress about it because my goal is always the same — allow myself to notice how I ‘show up to others’, so I can not only be better but show up in life like I want to. I trying to arm my kids with this tool as well.

What do you resolve to do this new day or New Year?

Walking Beside

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My oldest is becoming a young adult and thinking through what they want to do beyond high school. As I’ve previously shared, I thought college for them was a given, and they don’t share that view (though their view tends to change from day to day). 😊

It was helpful being with a large group of our friends (we were celebrating one of their birthdays). As we sat together we raised the issue, shared our concerns, and sought other points of view and feedback. One friend offered this was our opportunity to “walk with” our son on his journey as he continues to figure out who he is and wants to be. That was so helpful for me to hear and think about. It reminded me not to try to control, manipulate, or be passive aggressive about the situation with my son out of fear, but to have more open dialogue with our son, set a plan to help him make the best decision for himself (my husband’s idea—brilliant). We want him to know he’s supported and loved by us no matter what.

It’s tough when you have to let go—let your child test the waters, earn their wings and fly. They’ll make mistakes—it’s the only way we learn and grow. I just need to walk beside him. Not carry him. Not push him. Just walk beside. It’s something new I’m learning, but already feeling optimistic about my own growth as a parent of an almost-adult child. It’s a transition and definitely not easy for me.

How are you helping your child be more independent? How are you supporting goals they have that don’t align with your vision for them?

This Changes Everything

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What knowledge do you want to impart to your child while you’re able?

Over the holidays, when I had some downtime, I streamed a lot of content. I just needed to veg. I came across the documentary film This Changes Everything — it looked interesting but I kept putting off watching it. The Netflix overview said the documentary takes a deep look at gender disparity in Hollywood through the eyes of well-known actresses and female filmmakers. I think I wasn’t in the mood to hear how women are ‘sold short,’ i already knew that, I just wanted to watch content that either made me laugh, or didn’t make me think.

Come the recent long weekend, I was trying to find something to watch once again. I was up for watching content that would make me think so I selected the movie. It was so eye-opening and explained a woman’s plight in what we have to overcome in a tangible way (how we’re perceived, why we’re perceived the way we are, and what to do about it). I left thinking as the only female in my household I needed to get my ‘boys’ to watch this. Because whether they knew it or not, the content they’ve taken in over the course of their lives has influenced their views of girls/females and beyond. I needed them to be aware, empathize, and hopefully be an advocate for equality.

I selected the movie when it was my turn to pick for our Saturday night gathering. We watched the movie. Afterwards we talked about what they learned, what surprised them, and how (of if) it changed their view of women. The boys thought they already knew women were underrepresented but we’re surprised by the numbers. They agreed women were shown more as objects in movie (particularly older ones), and even pointed to some parts in other movies where the female character was only shown for male viewers benefit (it literally made my youngest flinch when he recalled some of the scenes).

We pivoted to how these projections of what and how women behave and what they want from a partner can be confusing to both the man and the woman in relationships based on images we see everywhere (on screen, TV, internet, etc.), and how with my knowledge of the female’s mindset could help them be a good partner— be aware of where a women may come from regarding intimacy, what they might be comfortable/uncomfortable with, why that is, and more. Again, not the easiest conversation but at least both boys were willing to hear me out (getting the oldest to listen a WIN!).

I’m hopeful the information sank it, and my boys feel more informed. I’m optimistic they can avoid the pitfalls of making assumptions about what others expect of you (in relationships and intimacy) that their father and I experienced. Will this movie and discussion change everything for their experiences in this area? I don’t know, but ever bit of knowledge helps. Continuing these conversations will be essential.

What are key messages or values you are working to impart to your child or teen?

Preparation

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How prepared is your child to be independent?

My teens are opposites in many ways. One showers, wears deodorant, brushes and flosses without being asked. The other has to be prompted, reminded, nagged more often than not. They will take proactive action only in more extreme situations (e.g., they recognize they smell pretty bad too).

One teen can get around on public transit, without complaint. The other one prefers to be driven and picked up, and complains when these options aren’t available. 😉

Neither’s room is clean per se, but one child does put their clothes in their dresser drawers, and has made their bed more days than not. The other uses their room (more exact-their floor) as their dresser, and rarely makes their bed.

Our oldest is getting closer to the day he’ll be on his own, and my husband and I have discussed the need to get him better prepared—to live in a space he (and others) can tolerate, maybe even be proud of (that means being tidier and cleaning up after himself), getting himself to and from places without the help of mom and dad, and putting more care into his hygiene (I don’t know anyone who enjoys being around unpleasant smells).

We decided since football season has finished and our son can decide what he does after school (workout or come home), he can figure out how to get himself home — walk or public transit. The situation presented itself for us to get him doing this when my husband was tied up and I was across town when our son reached out to get a ride home. He’d have to figure out how to get home on his own (keep in mind he was about a mile away from our house). He was frustrated that we couldn’t get him but became really unhappy when we told him he’d need to start getting himself around without our help. “You can’t just change things!,” he said, “this is so unfair.” He continued to share how upsetting this change was for him. We gave him some space to calm down.

I went to talk to him after a while. He doubled-down on how ‘dumb’ and ‘unfair’ the change is. I doubled-down on the importance of us better preparing him to live on his own, and his need to demonstrate not only to us, but more importantly to himself, that he’s ready. That means he’ll need to navigate public transit sometimes, take ownership of his space (room) and personal cleanliness. He resisted. I reminded him no one likes change, it hard, and I understood he didn’t like it. He told me he was done talking to me and get out of his room. Power struggle ensues?🙃 I tell him I won’t leave until he can calm himself down. He resists (of course, trying to flex his independence). I stayed and made him show me a few deep breaths. His facial expression read I hate you so much. I get it. I had those moments with my parents too. Before I left his room, I reminded him his father and I weren’t helping him by helping him (cleaning up after him, doing his laundry, nagging him about personal hygiene, etc.). He was old enough and needs to take full ownership.

It’s tough making change, especially when resistance is high. It’s harder when it’s with someone you love. Its easier knowing it’s for my son’s benefit. He loses if we don’t allow him to grow and learn what he’s capable of.

How prepared is your child? What challenging situations have you encountered trying to help them and how did you overcome their resistance?

Audition

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Ever get stage fright?

That’s not exactly what happened with my son, but it was pretty close. My youngest started high school and has been looking forward to getting back into theatre. Being his first year, he wasn’t sure what he’d need to do to join the drama club. He learned they’d have auditions and he’d need to come, bring his paperwork, and read a script.

He was a bit nervous about going (naturally), but worked through his nerves and stayed until it was his turn. They called him to the stage and said, “Okay, you can start.” My son was confused and overwhelmed. He didn’t know what they wanted him to do and he broke down in tears. Thankfully, the adults realized they needed to give him more direction, gave him a minute to compose himself and handed him a script to read from. He regained his composure and redid his audition, this time feeling more confident in his effort. I met him in the parking lot following. He broke down in tears again talking about how embarrassing it was that he didn’t know what to do, and admitting that afterwards he realized he hadn’t read the paperwork completely and at the bottom it referenced coming with a monologue prepared.

We talked about this being a growing experience. That life will sometimes through unexpected things our way, and how we respond matters. He might not have liked how he responded, but recognized he was so overwhelmed that his emotions burst through. I reminded him that the good news was he survived and everything was fine after all. He appeared to take some solace in this. We talked about how he might handle the situation differently next time – be it an audition or something else. “I guess I’ll read the paperwork more closely,” he said. I told him that was a good way to avoid getting caught off guard, but the unknown can happen regardless of how well you plan. While he couldn’t come up with what he’d do differently, we discussed recognizing the feeling if/when it happens again and if possible take some deep breaths to give himself a chance to respond in a way he feels better about. It’s a start.

I’m proud of my son for trying and not giving up. I’m more proud of how in tune he is with his emotions and his understanding of his need to feel them, counter to how many of us who will do anything not to.

The drama season officially kicks off soon and the school has several plays. Whether he has a speaking role or plays Tree#3 😊 I’m grateful he’s sticking with it, as it proves even when we fall/fail/didn’t-realize-we-were-supposed-to-have-memorized-a-monologue there is always the opportunity to dust yourself off (regroup), and try again.

How do you handle the unexpected? How are you helping your child navigate a perceived failure?

Being Good Enough

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Have you ever struggled with self-esteem?

I sure did (and still do, though no where as much as I did when I was younger thanks to the help of some very smart people (therapists) over the years). My oldest comes across as very confident in who he is, and what he’s about, which I admire, yet I see him struggle with his esteem in a repressed/painful way. He has high expectations of himself — always. If he doesn’t live up to those expectations regardless how unrealistic they are he gets frustrated and defeated. He does have resources to talk to, yet, I’m not sure how much he is sharing (working on/addressing), and how much he is holding back. I remind myself he is young, and he will continue to learn more about himself as he grows and allows himself to be more vulnerable/open.

My youngest has high emotional intelligence. He has great empathy and can quickly understand when others are feeling. He is my ‘happy’ guy, but even he gets unhappy sometimes. He starts high school this year and is starting to think about what that means — new building, new teachers, new people, new pressures, and more. He sighed while we were in our family room. I asked him what was up. He said, “I’m just thinking about high school, and what that means. I think it will be fine, but I guess I’m just worried I won’t make any friends.” As a kid on the spectrum, forming new friendships is something he struggles with, though, he has friends and people often approach him because of his sunny demeanor. He will have opportunities to make new friends, assuming he puts in the effort. The way he said his statement it made me feel like he was trying to tell me something more. I pried, “you have friends and most people like you, so what is your concern?” He thought and then said, “I don’t know. That I’m not…” he paused, looked down, then back as me and said, “good enough.” You could have knocked the wind out of me. It took me til my mid-thirties to have that epiphany about myself and here he was at only 14. I asked, “Good enough for who?” I thought he might say, “the other kids,” or something along those lines, but instead he said, “me.” Wow! I was in awe of my child. To understand something so profound about himself as his age just blew me away. I asked, “how are you not good enough for yourself?” He shared that he thought he might have to change who he is (autism mannerisms (flapping and humming) and all), and he hated the idea of not being true to himself in order to fit in at school. I loved my son so strongly in that moment. That he loved himself that much and knew he’d be letting himself down if he had to change inspired me. I need to be more like my son. He has got this loving yourself thing all figured out!

The start of high school will come and go. He will adjust, and God-willing, it will go much better than he anticipates. What I don’t think my son understands is that by loving himself and his uniqueness, he will inspire others to do the same. Wanting to fit in is normal, but oh how boring. Loving who you are is (but shouldn’t be) the exception. It inspires, and draws people in. I hope my son understands just being himself is not only good enough, but exactly (the role model) what others need.

How are you helping your child adjust to the new school year? How are you helping them embrace who they are?

I will be off taking some time off to enjoy the last weeks of summer and be back in September.

Growing Pains

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What was your middle school experience like?

My youngest is nearing the end of his middle school experience. When we asked how his school day was he made a face (something between resistance and relief), blew out an audible breath and said, “a lot of kids are getting physical in the hallways and parents are getting concerned.” Wait, I thought, I’m a parent and I’m not concerned — because I wasn’t aware anything was going on. I needed to learn more. “What exactly happened?” I asked. My son told us how there are a small group of kids that like to push each other, and use inappropriate language when moving between classrooms when no teachers or staff are present. It had gotten to a point where they had to sit each class down and talk to the students about what was going on because some kids were getting hurt. My son was upset, not because he had gotten caught up in this, but because what his classmates were doing were disappointing to him.

“It bothers me that some of these people are in my class,” he shared. His school is small, and most of the folks in his class he’s been with for years. “I don’t understand why they think this is funny or okay.” We talked about what was going on. My oldest thought the whole thing was humorous and shared stories of his middle school experience that was mirroring his brother’s. The difference was it didn’t seem to bother my oldest, but did my youngest.

My youngest made a comment indicating he still didn’t understand why his friends would engage in this behavior and find it okay. I offered a possible reason for the way the boys were behaving. “Think about when you were starting middle school. You were still more dependent on folks like mom and dad, and your teachers, and willing to listen and adhere. But, middle school is the transit period between being dependent and starting to be independent. Kids start to test boundaries and who they want to be.” My husband chimed in, “it’s like trying new clothes on. They try to see what fits.” We all agreed it’s a normal part of growing, and hoped our son wouldn’t judge his classmates too harshly, though we’re hopeful they’ll rethink their behavior and treat others more kindly going forward.

Growing up is hard. Seeing how others change can be painful, but it’s part of the process we all go through. I continue to appreciate that our son is letting us navigate this with him together.

What growing pains has your child encountered? How are you helping them navigate these changes?