Category Archives: Care

Time to Fly

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What time(s) have been hard for you to let your kid go? For me, those times included:

• First day of daycare — leaving him in someone else’s care

• First time with a babysitter

• First day of school (kindergarten, elementary school, middle and high school)

• First time spending the night away from home

• First time traveling by himself

• First time driving by himself

And now, the biggest shift, is my son living away from home for the first time. My oldest isn’t far, but we’ve encouraged him to treat this opportunity to live on his own as a growing experience — him understanding what he’s capable of, him learning more about himself and how he wants to show up in the world, and gaining confidence around his growing independence — and that means, living away from us, problem solving on his own, and working through any discomfort he is experiencing (new place and people).

The moments leading up to him being officially moved out were peppered with excitement for him and worry, and second guessing for me (he’s going to be okay? We’ve prepared him for this, right?). How has 18 years gone so quickly? The years race through my mind every time I think about it.

We were fortunate to be given a booklet to help my husband, I and our son adjust to the change, as we move from “parenting” to coach, and supporter. The booklet had us discuss values (my son and my husband and mine), with the goal of giving all of us clarity on what our son’s values are and how, by knowing this, we can better support him. It also had us talk through expectations and ensure we’d discussed everything from what we expected (or didn’t) of him from his behavior, accomplishments, drugs, alcohol, and sex. I so wish my parents had had this information at their fingertips when I first was on my own.

My hope is that we’ve provided (or are providing) our boys roots with wings. During a final hug at the train station, I told my son, “you’ve got this.” It was important for him to know we believe in him. He knows he can do it too, but like anytime you make a sizable change you can feel a little unsteady. Allowing yourself to adjust to the change is often the toughest (and should I say ‘scariest’) part.

I have to adjust now too, to allowing my oldest to fly, make his own choices and mistakes, and not jump in to problem solve for or ‘save’ him. This moment is bittersweet. If I did my job as a parent he’ll figure out how to soar. I have to mourn the end of this part of our parenting journey, and adjust to what comes next.

What parenting phase are you in? How do you adjust to new phases as they arise?

The Attitude of Gratitude

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Being grateful for the gifts in life is a daily practice for our family.

At dinner, we pray before eating focusing, most often, on what we are grateful for — the sun being out, doing better on a test than we thought we would, having a work project completed, our cat being cute and doing cute things (almost always included by my youngest). We sometimes get more serious and talk about the basics that we are thankful for—food to eat, a warm place to stay, our loved ones, our health, and the health of loved ones. The basics are what we are most grateful for. It’s hard to imagine (bear the thought) of those without. Never wanting to take the basics for granted or helping those without when we can.

There is much to be concerned about in the world, that can feel overwhelming (How can we help? What will it take to stop others suffering from war, abuse, or lack of resources?). If we’re not careful we can lose sight of the good things happening around us.

My husband works weekly with a program that serves hot meals to an often neglected part of the community. The guests may have mental health struggles, addiction, homelessness, or a combination of these things and more. He enlisted our sons to help when they were in middle school, having them join him periodically to help dish up, or serve/hand-out the meals. I join them, as well, from time to time.

The boys have learned a few things by doing this—there are a lot of good people out there (despite our political views, socioeconomic status, or education level), we are more alike than different; we all want the same basics—food, shelter, and connection; and what brings us together is an attitude of gratitude. Those cooking and serving want to help ease the suffering of others, or, at least, provide respite for a few hours. Those that receive are allowing themselves to be vulnerable to this community with the hopes of filling their often empty stomachs, and feeling warmth (literally and figuratively) and connection from those welcoming them in. It is a two-way street of gratitude.

What are you and your family thankful for?

I’ll be off for the Thanksgiving holiday and back in December.

Modeling Love

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As parents we model what loves looks like for our kids.

My husband isn’t romantic by nature, which is surprising because he father appears to be so with his mother (skip a generation perhaps 😂), but he is committed to our relationship even when it’s tough.

My husband and I have had to learn to communicate, even when hard and uncomfortable, to stay together and better connect. The discomfort and unease was hard at first, but when you see your spouse is willing to listen to you and work to communicate in a way that supports and nurtures the relationship and you do the same, growth happens. Stronger bonds form.

I do reflect on how our children view our relationship (guess we’ll have to ask them), and what they take from it. They definitely see us disagree and get frustrated with each other, but they see us apologize or make amends. They see us show modest affection (a kiss goodbye or hand holding). We want to model that relationships take work, but are worth it.

Our youngest wears his heart on his sleeve, I don’t worry about him expressing his emotions. Our oldest doubles down and only on rare occasions expresses them though we encourage him to do so more often. I do wonder when he braves his first relationship what it will be like.

On Valentine’s Day, love is in the air. What kind of love / relationship are you modeling for your child?

I will be away next week enjoying the long weekend and back later this month.

Preparation

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How prepared is your child to be independent?

My teens are opposites in many ways. One showers, wears deodorant, brushes and flosses without being asked. The other has to be prompted, reminded, nagged more often than not. They will take proactive action only in more extreme situations (e.g., they recognize they smell pretty bad too).

One teen can get around on public transit, without complaint. The other one prefers to be driven and picked up, and complains when these options aren’t available. 😉

Neither’s room is clean per se, but one child does put their clothes in their dresser drawers, and has made their bed more days than not. The other uses their room (more exact-their floor) as their dresser, and rarely makes their bed.

Our oldest is getting closer to the day he’ll be on his own, and my husband and I have discussed the need to get him better prepared—to live in a space he (and others) can tolerate, maybe even be proud of (that means being tidier and cleaning up after himself), getting himself to and from places without the help of mom and dad, and putting more care into his hygiene (I don’t know anyone who enjoys being around unpleasant smells).

We decided since football season has finished and our son can decide what he does after school (workout or come home), he can figure out how to get himself home — walk or public transit. The situation presented itself for us to get him doing this when my husband was tied up and I was across town when our son reached out to get a ride home. He’d have to figure out how to get home on his own (keep in mind he was about a mile away from our house). He was frustrated that we couldn’t get him but became really unhappy when we told him he’d need to start getting himself around without our help. “You can’t just change things!,” he said, “this is so unfair.” He continued to share how upsetting this change was for him. We gave him some space to calm down.

I went to talk to him after a while. He doubled-down on how ‘dumb’ and ‘unfair’ the change is. I doubled-down on the importance of us better preparing him to live on his own, and his need to demonstrate not only to us, but more importantly to himself, that he’s ready. That means he’ll need to navigate public transit sometimes, take ownership of his space (room) and personal cleanliness. He resisted. I reminded him no one likes change, it hard, and I understood he didn’t like it. He told me he was done talking to me and get out of his room. Power struggle ensues?🙃 I tell him I won’t leave until he can calm himself down. He resists (of course, trying to flex his independence). I stayed and made him show me a few deep breaths. His facial expression read I hate you so much. I get it. I had those moments with my parents too. Before I left his room, I reminded him his father and I weren’t helping him by helping him (cleaning up after him, doing his laundry, nagging him about personal hygiene, etc.). He was old enough and needs to take full ownership.

It’s tough making change, especially when resistance is high. It’s harder when it’s with someone you love. Its easier knowing it’s for my son’s benefit. He loses if we don’t allow him to grow and learn what he’s capable of.

How prepared is your child? What challenging situations have you encountered trying to help them and how did you overcome their resistance?