Author Archives: NoRegretsParenting

Holiday Cards

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Dear Friend,

I hope this card finds you well. Another year has flown by again…

Holiday cards are nice to receive, right? I love getting cards from friends. I really enjoy getting holiday cards from friends, particularly those I haven’t seen in a while or do not speak to on a regular basis, that include details about what they’ve been up to the last year. It seems like getting details lessens every year.

I can certainly appreciate how busy everyone is. There always seems to be something to do: get your child some place, get yourself some place, pick up something, drop off something, make something, do something. The list of ‘to-dos’ seems endless. Getting holiday cards done can seem like one more ‘to-do’ on a very long list.

I appreciate the effort and the thought of being included on friend’s mailing list, but oh, how I miss details of what is going on in our friends lives when they are not included. I know there are many reasons why people don’t do this:

  • They don’t want to be seen as bragging (most letters include highlights vs. low lights — you see more “we took a trip to Hawaii” vs. “Jimmy’s failing math and we’re super stressed about it.” right?),
  • They don’t think others are that interested in what’s going on with them (we are, we really are), or
  • They don’t have the energy to sit down to write the letter–there is just too much to get done, and this isn’t high on the list (we can all relate to this).

Writing a letter, for my husband and I, is a good way for us to pause and reflect on the past 12 months. We are often in awe of all that has occurred–good and bad, and what we look forward to in the New Year. It feels like by capturing our experiences on paper, we’re somehow permanently entering them into our family time capsule (which is made up solely of our memory, and what we capture in pictures, and on paper). The letter is a brief snapshot in time of our family history, that without writing down on paper, we’d too easily forget. When we finish our letter, I normally experience a range of emotions from grateful to sad: grateful we made it through another year and we are all healthy, and sad that precious time has passed.

A friend, this year, sent a simple fold out card with pictures of her kids and family. While it could have stopped there, she made the card even more special by adding text over each child’s picture with what everyone was grateful for. It gave me a quick sense of what the kids were into (grateful for certain toys, or their pets, friends, etc.), and that they were doing okay (when you share that you are grateful, it tells me that things must be pretty okay…it’s difficult to be grateful when you are in a low spot or something terrible has happened).

She shared those details I crave. I really appreciated it.

How do you stay connected with others? What types of cards do you like to send, and receive?

I want to wish everyone safe and happy holidays. I will be taking time off and will return in January.

To Give and to Receive

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What part of the holidays brings you the most cheer?  Giving gifts, receiving them, or something else?

I loved receiving gifts when I was a child. I was captivated by the magic of Santa and couldn’t wait to see what I would receive. Receiving gifts was an acknowledgement that Santa thought enough of me to bring me something he thought I would like. As I grew older and the magic of Santa faded, I found holiday cheer in giving. Watching others expressions of surprise (at the unexpected gift or the thought put into it) brought me great joy. Putting a smile on someone else’s face made me happy.

As I watch my children this holiday season, I see how hopeful they are that when Christmas morning arrives they will have gifts under the tree. For my older one, the magic is starting to fade. He’s starting to ask questions and we realize this is likely his last year of believing. It’s a bittersweet moment. Joy in watching him grow into a young man, but bitter in that the innocence that goes with childhood is starting to slowly slip away. I wonder what will bring him joy going forward. Will he continue to enjoy receiving, or giving (whether it’s physical gifts, or acts of kindness), or something else?

I can’t wait to find out.

Holiday Traditions

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What holiday traditions do you have in your family?

I was asked this question recently, and my initial reaction was “we don’t have many traditions,” followed by the thought I’ve got to work on that.

As I reflected on this question and started to name traditions we had, I realized that we actually had many, they just differed from the traditions of my childhood. They were newer, not as well entrenched as the old, but are quickly becoming so.

I hadn’t put too much thought into how traditions might change having my own kids, or nieces and nephews, but I’m certainly enjoying figuring it out. Experiencing the joy of the season with kids, particularly those that still believe in the magic of it, is a delight. I can see my younger self in their hopes, desires and eagerness. I can feel their enthusiasm when they are reminded that Christmas is only a few weeks away. Its contagious, it brings the little kid in me back to life (kind of like Frosty, right?).

What new traditions are you creating (or have created) with your family and loved ones?

 

Thankful with a side of Gratitude

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Each Thanksgiving before the meal we say a prayer of thanks, sometimes going around the circle and having each person share something they are grateful for. While we make a point to do this on Thanksgiving, we also work to carry on the tradition throughout the year. Being grateful for what we have, the people in our lives, the joys and beauties we are allowed to experience, and addressing it in the moment, just feels good.

I was asked to write a letter for a girlfriend’s daughter for a retreat she is attending. I have known this young woman since she was born and have watched her grow into an amazing teen. In the letter I was asked to include memories, thoughts and feelings. It was an easy letter to write. When my friend’s daughter was young I joined her family for dinner. Her mom and dad were there, along with me. We started by saying grace. At the end of the prayer, she added what she was thankful for. She said, “Ms. Tricia, I love you.” It melted my heart. It was so precious. She looked earnestly at her mom and said, “Mom, I love you.” Then looked at her dad and said, “Dad, I love you.” She had us all in the palm of her hand. She took a deep breath, turned back to some candles that were on the table, and said, “Candles, I love you.” She then looked at her plate and continued, “Chicken nuggets, I love you.” My friend, her husband and I burst into tears laughing. Being put into the same category as candles and chicken nuggets was humbling, and hilarious.  What I remember most from that experience was the innocence of my friend’s daughter. She believed in what she was saying. She was truly grateful for the things before her…people, candles and all. It reminded me that we can find gratitude in anything and everything around us, and there is no point in putting gratitude off when it’s starring you in the face.

How do you give thanks? How do you show gratitude? Happy Thanksgiving.

I’ll be enjoying some time off with family and will be back in early December.

The Great Football Debate

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Are you a parent who has concerns about letting your child play football?

I have shared in previous posts that my oldest son loves football and really wants to play. I love watching college football, and partly blame myself for getting him interested in the sport to begin with. My husband and I have allowed our son to play flag football up to this point. While we were hoping that would appease his desire to play the game, you can see his desire to play full-contact football everytime he watches a game, sees a high school player suited up, or walks into a sporting goods store. When he saw that you could buy football pads and helmets in a store you could see his eyes light up with delight. You could almost read his mind. I want those pads.

Our son recently asked about playing contact football with my husband and I. “I want to play!” he pleaded. My immediate response was “no way.” I followed it up with many talking points that backed up my position — it’s not safe, too many people get hurt, it can negatively impact your long-term quality of life, etc. My son didn’t hear anything after I said “no.” Instead of hearing me out, like any nine year old, he got more passionate with his plea. “You have to let me play. You just have to.” His petition lasted a full five minutes. He seems to have some talent (according to his biased mom), but even if he physically can compete, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for him to. While I wasn’t willing to budge, my husband was willing to hear him out. “We’ll consider it when you are in high school, and you show us you can compete, not get hurt and keep up your grades.”  My initial reaction was “what?”, but after thinking about it for a minute it made sense. Forbidding our son from playing would only make him want to play it more. I don’t want my child to miss out on experiencing something he wants to, but I also want to protect him and am responsible for helping him make good decisions. Allowing him to play football right now isn’t something I’m willing to do. I’m hoping (hopeful?) that with all the evidence and news around body and brain injuries in the sport, more will be done to make it safer so kids can enjoy the sport without having to sacrifice long-term health.

How do you talk to your child when they want to try something you’re not comfortable with them doing?

 

What a Jerk!

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I have to admit. I am probably not always my ideal self when I am driving a car. While I had grand plans for quelling my need to verbalize my disdain for disrespectful drivers while my kids were in the car with me, I have failed.

After picking the kids up one afternoon and heading to the house, I pulled onto a street that only had enough room to let one car pass at a time. I saw someone was coming the other direction and decided to wait for them to clear the street so I could go. It was going well, until a driver behind me, who didn’t understand why I was waiting decided to take matters into their own hands. He drove around me, and quickly understood why I hadn’t moved forward. He quickly pulled over to the side, and thankfully avoided causing an accident. My blood pressure on the other hand shot up. How dare he? I thought. I felt disrespected by the other drive and really didn’t like it. “What a jerk!” I said aloud. I continued to refer to this poor man as a jerk all the way down the street. It was almost like I couldn’t help myself.

As we neared the end of the street and I probably used the word ‘jerk’ a dozen times. I finally started to cool off. I could feel the tension in my body lessen. I took a deep breath. The driver turned left and we turned right. That definitely helped. It finally occured to me that both of my boys had been listening to me. “I shouldn’t have called that man a jerk, that was wrong of me,” I said. I proceeded to try to explain why I had gotten so upset, but my sons weren’t buying it. “Mom, jerk is a bad word. You shouldn’t say it,” my older son said. “Yea,” my younger son chimed in. It was one of those moments, where I had to agree with my sons. As much as the other driver may have “offended” me, it wasn’t on purpose, and I’m sure I’ve done the same thing unknowingly to other drivers myself. I certainly wouldn’t want them to be upset with me, or to carry that anger around with them. “You’re right,” I said to my boys, “you’re right.” We were quiet most of the way home.

Later that day, I took my older son down to soccer practice. I had to go through a busy intersection and saw two drivers having a similar experience to what I had had before. To me, it was clear one driver was causing the angst, but clearly wasn’t taking responsibility for it. I’m not sure if it was empathy or what that prompted me to once again say, “Wow, that guy is being a jerk!” He wasn’t being a jerk to me, but the other driver. I quickly realized I had said, “jerk” again and owned it. “I said ‘jerk’ again. I’ve got to quit saying that word.” My son agreed, “Yea, Mom, maybe we should put tape over your mouth.” He said it so innocently and matter-of-factly I couldn’t disagree with him. Instead of getting upset, it made me laugh. “You’re right, ” I said, “maybe we should.” My son taught me a lesson that day: that as much as we’d like to think we’re teaching our kids, they are teaching us too. I’m reminded that I need to try to be a more patient driver and better model what that looks like for my boys.

What have you learned from your child?

The Fall-t in Our Stars

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What is the last book you read that stayed with you after finishing it? It made you think. It made you appreciate what you have. It touched you in some way.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green is such a book for me. Yes, it’s of the Young Adult genre, and targeted for the teenage demographic, but each of us has some part of our teenage self still inside us, right?

For me, The Fault in Our Stars is about living life, really living while you are able. Pushing yourself to experience things even when you aren’t sure you’ll like the outcome. Letting no task (or story) go unfinished.

As time falls back this weekend, I’m reminded of life’s timeline. How it can feel very linear and static — predictable. Each season comes and goes. I experience great joy during the Fall: cooler temperatures, changing colors, and warm cider; and also great sadness: missing the warmer days, missing seeing leaves (of any color) on the trees, and missing the sun (there will be many gray days ahead). It almost seems unfair that a season can have both affects on you. But Fall is a great reminder for life. It reminds us that living things die, but great rebirth is just around the corner. That life is temporary.

I am aware of the beauty of Fall all around me. I look forward to enjoying the season as it comes. I can imagine grabbing a cup of warm cider, a nice warm blanket and finding a comfortable chair to reflect on this knowledge. Then perhaps, I may turn my attention to a good book.

Any suggestions?

 

 

R.I.P. Halloween Costume

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Do you have a favorite childhood Halloween costume you wore? Perhaps your costume gave you super powers, made you feel like royalty or turned you into a scary creature. Nostalgia surfaces when I think of Halloweens past.

I’m starting to get the same nostalgic feeling for my children’s Halloween past. They are reaching the ages where they will only trick-o-treat for a few more years and wear costumes. I’ve held on to many of their costumes from the past. Not wanting to just give them away, they’ve felt too special to just give away.

I recently came across a box that had an astronaut costume my son wore when he was two or three years old. It was adorable and I can remember him attacking a cupcake with green frosting while in the suit. We have some great pictures of our frosting covered astronaut in our scrapbook and some wonderful memories in our heads. I have a young nephew and was hoping to maybe pass the costume on to him, but he already has another costume. I saw a friend’s son that is close to my nephew’s age and offered up the astronaut outfit without a second thought. I want this to go to someone who will love and cherish it as I do. Funny thing is, as soon as my offer was accepted, a feeling of sadness washed over me. The act of giving away the costume confirm my boys are growing up, and they won’t be little boys for much longer.

I accept that I can’t stop time. I remind myself that I just need to appreciate the moment…take lots of pictures and enjoy the present Halloween.

My boys are growing. The costumes will eventually be going. When we bury someone we often say Rest In Peace. I hope my kids’ costumes bring much joy in their next life, with whomever gets to wear them. I don’t want the costumes to Rest In Peace in a box in my closet, but want them Worn and Enjoyed in the Present…W.E.P. Halloween costumes. W.E.P.

The Great Pumpkin

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Many of us have watched the “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” Halloween special before. It’s been an annual tradition in our family through the years. The show took on a new meaning for me this year.

My youngest son had returned from a trip to a local pumpkin patch with some classmates and had just sit down to watch some Halloween cartoons when I arrived to pick him up. He was not happy with my timing. This has happened before in the past, when I seem to show up at the wrong time (meaning I’ve shown up when he is in the middle of an activity he is enjoying, or getting ready to start one). I typically allow him a few minutes to finish the activity or do the new activity ever-so-briefly, and assumed my strategy would work with my son on this particular day. It didn’t. Instead my son had a meltdown of volcanic proportions. He became very vocal (loud) in front of the room of kids saying, “I want to watch the movie. I will NOT go, you cannot make me go.” His other classmates saw what was going on, and tried to console him, reminding him there would be other opportunities to watch the film, but he wasn’t hearing any of it. “NO, NO, NO!” was his reaction. He stood up and ran away from me. I was a little taken aback and was quickly reassessing how to best handle the situation. I was in a room full of people (adults and kids) and my son had taken the spotlight away from the movie and had become the show. My inner critic was creeping in (if you were a better parent, this wouldn’t have happened…why aren’t you able to calm your son down?). I asked my son to step into the director’s office (where they normally send kids to calm down) and had to take a few deep breaths. I was partly mortified at his behavior, disappointed in myself for not being able to address the situation without it getting to the point that it had, and frustrated that any of this had occurred. After a stressful week of work, it was the last thing I needed.

It was one of those moments where I really had to pause. My emotions were high. I wanted to handle this in a positive way (though there didn’t seem to be anything positive going on in the present). I had to really think, how do I help my son through this situation? After a few moments it dawned on me. This wasn’t about watching the movie (he could watch it anytime), but not having control over the situation and not liking that–and that, I could understand.

I was able to get my son out to the car (though I did have to carry him), and eventually calm him down. I’m not sure he really understood why he got so upset, but we both knew we didn’t want it to happen again. My son and I made a deal, when we are upset or disappointed about something it’s okay to have the feeling, but we have to talk about it in a way that helps you get what you want or need. He’s young, he’s learning. I’m learning too.

I have a greater appreciation for It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, as a result. It’s a story about wanting something to happen (you want to see the Great Pumpkin) and the disappointment that comes when it doesn’t happen as you’d hoped. I’ll remember my son’s disappointment and how he (and I) will grow from it.

What holiday show has taken on new meaning for you and your family as you raised your child?

Zombie Mom

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Do the holidays bring out your inner child? They do for me.

After a week of traveling for work, the house being a mess and having two children who weren’t interested in getting ready, I knew I had to ‘come back to life’ to get us going and out of the house. My youngest was casually heading off to his room after I’d asked him to get ready. Instead of monitoring his progress every few minutes, I took a different tactic.I think seeing some Halloween decorations in the house inspired me. I made a groaning noise and stuck my arms straight out in front of me. I walked towards my boys room and said, “Mommy Zombie wants to eat boys that don’t have their beds made.” I headed towards them. They both squealed with delight. “No, Mom!” they exclaimed, and with smiles on their faces quickly got to making their beds. I then said, “Mommy Zombie wants to eat boys that aren’t dressed yet.” Their faces lit up again at the thought of Zombie Mom coming their way and they quickly worked to get dressed. Our game continued until they were completely ready. Zombie Mom prompted my sons to make their beds, get dressed, brush their hair and teeth and grab all the needed prior to heading out of the house. Why hadn’t I thought of this game before?  I was having fun, and the kids were too!

As we were leaving the house, my oldest son turned to me and said, “Mom, that was very creative of you. It was really fun!” His younger son agreed, “Yea, Mom, that was fun!” I held onto those moments, of  the sound of their giggles and pictures of their smiling faces, long after they were gone.

There aren’t many moments, in my experience, as a parent, when you actually think you got something right. I think I got this particular morning right and hope to recreate it again, using the child that still exist inside me. With the holidays coming up, I should be pretty inspired.

When does your inner child emerge? What creative ways have you inspired your child to action?