Author Archives: NoRegretsParenting

The Truth About Santa — From the Other Side

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The original was posted Dec. 2011.

I’m reposting it again as I take a walk down memory lane of Christmas pasts. Despite explaining to my kids over the years why I allowed them to believe, still get, “but you lied to us!” And as someone who prides themselves on being honest with their kids, it’s the truth. I did lie, but hopefully for the right reasons (believing in magic and that you are loved and acknowledged for just being you by Santa). I suspect they’ll keep up the traditions with their future families, but I guess we’ll see. 😆🥰

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When I was seven years old, I found out the truth about Santa. My Mom sat me down at the dinner table and read an article to me that revealed that Santa–the one I had believed in, got so excited for, and couldn’t wait until Christmas Eve to see–wasn’t real. I can remember crying at the table for a long time afterwards. At first, I was very disappointed to learn the truth. Santa had been a magical part of the holiday; I believed that he loved all children and delivered presents to everyone. Santa made me feel special: he knew who I was, he made sure I behaved and rewarded me with toys picked out or made especially for me. After realizing that Santa and several other mythical characters I’d grown to love (the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy) didn’t exist, I started to get mad! My parents had lied to me. And though they’d done it with good intentions–perhaps to let me believe in magic or something special–I felt like a fool. Who else knew that Santa wasn’t real? My older sister must have known the truth. I felt like everyone in the world must have thought that I was a stupid kid for walking around getting all excited about Santa and believing he was real. I felt very betrayed. The kicker came when my parents asked me to keep the secret from my younger sister so that she could enjoy the magic of Santa for another year or two before learning the truth. My first reaction was ‘you’ve got to be kidding me, I’ve just discovered the truth and you want me to keep it a secret–it’s a BIG secret!’ It was a pretty tall order for a seven year old, especially one that was still sad, disappointed and angry with her parents.

I think about this childhood revelation each year as we get closer to Christmas, and I’ve come to better understand the struggle my parents faced. While you want your child to experience the magic of Santa when they’re young, you know there will be the great disappointment of learning the truth down the road. I know we have precious few years left before my children start to question the existence of Santa so my husband and I try not to make too big a deal about the whole thing. When our kids ask questions like ‘Where does Santa get all the toys?’ or ‘How does Santa know where we live?’ We simply turn the question back to them: ‘Where do you think Santa gets all his toys?’, ‘How do you think he knows where we live?’ They come up with some pretty clever answers: ‘He probably get his toys from the store’, ‘Yes, you’re probably right,’ we reply. ‘He must have a phone book so he knows where we live’, ‘That could be,’ we answer. I feel like I’m constantly walking a very thin line by trying to maintain a thread of truth in how I respond. It is so important for my husband and me to be truthful with our kids, and sometimes the line between lying and storytelling is a precarious one. I want the foundation we are building with our children to be one of trust and sometimes I feel the Santa story could put that in jeopardy if they discover the truth in the wrong way. I want my children to know they can trust me and that I won’t ever deliberately cause them any pain or deceive them. But at the same time, I think there is great benefit in children believing that someone completely outside of their family believes in them and loves them for exactly who they are, be it Santa or some other higher power. I am bracing myself for the day they ask me to come clean about Santa, but I’m also preparing myself for it too. I’ll tell them the truth, share what we struggled with in deciding whether or not to tell them and let them feel whatever they need to feel, be it understanding, anger, disappointment, sadness or anything else.

I never did tell my younger sister about Santa. If I remember correctly, she learned the truth from some neighborhood kids not too long after the Christmas I found out. She was spared the ‘story at the table’ and while she might not appreciate that, knowing that she didn’t connect the experience with the let down of the news coming from my parents, I do. While the experience that I had in being read the story was painful, my mom had told me the truth and believed I was at an age where I could handle it–she thought she was doing me a favor by telling me before the neighborhood kids had a chance to. Upon reflection, I wish she had just acknowledged why she allowed me to believe in Santa in the first place, what she hoped I would gain from believing and why she told me the truth when she did; I wish she had acknowledged that this was hard news to accept and that it was okay to be upset.

How do you talk to your child about Santa? Have you discussed a plan to reveal the truth when you feel they’re ready to hear it? While I still haven’t figured out all of the details of this yet, I know that I want to make sure my children understand that while there might not be a Santa, the love and magic of Christmas still exists in the friends and family who love them just the way they are.  

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I’ll be off through the end of the years to enjoy the holidays and back in the New Year.

Holiday Travel

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What could possibly go wrong?

I laugh when I think about previous holiday travel excursions we’ve made. When my kids were young, trying to visit the grandparents was well, trying to my husband and I, specifically our stress and anxiety. Did we remember to pack everything? How are we going to entertain the kids for so long? Where are the snacks? Etc. I can recall trying to steal moments of peace along the journey — I’ll get us Starbucks (at the airport!), getting to use the bathroom by myself (heaven!) — yet, we always made it through and the time with the grandparents was great.

The kids got older, more self-sufficient, but travel still brought out the stressed side of us — did the kids forget a toy, or DVD? And even older — did they remember their phones and earbuds? First world problems, right?

We decided to not travel around holidays as much. Travel, regardless of time of year, with others is stressful but around the holidays, the angst gets high. 😆

We’re staying put this year, with the exception of a brief car ride before the New Year. The thought actually relaxes me, and we can’t say that very often these days, can we?

How do you handle holiday travel? What gets you through?

Thanksgiving Traditions

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What are your Thanksgiving traditions?

We often host dinner and have family and friends join us. My husband makes cranberry sauce. It was one of the things he does that I love. I’m not sure I’d ever had true cranberry sauce before I met him. I only had the sauce from the can. 😂 The kind he makes is quite good and very popular with our guests.

I like having the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. No one else seems to care about it. The kids prefer to sleep in. I start cooking the day before and enjoy getting the house ready (great reason to clean), and enjoy the smells of everything cooking, and keep it going through Thanksgiving day. The kids will help their father with any yard work that needs to be done, and if I’m lucky, one of them may help me in the kitchen.

We do have an adult table and a kids table. We didn’t plan it that way, but my boys and their cousins prefer to eat together and then hangout vs stay and talk with the adults. Now that my boys are older, my oldest has expressed an interest in joining the adult table, which I welcome, we just have to figure out where we can squeeze in more chairs. 😊

We are very blessed, and very thankful — for the roof over our heads, clothes on our back, and for our friends and family.

What are your family traditions? What are you thankful for?

I’ll be taking next week off to enjoy the holiday weekend and be back in December.

Parental Frustration

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When was the last time you got frustrated as a parent?

My youngest is working on an essay that will have implications for what he does after high school. He has struggled with this exercise — how to get his ideas across in a way the reader will understand. His father and I, of course, have been his sounding board, coaches, and editors. We’ve told him that he wants to put his best effort into this and not have regrets on what he submits, so have been pushing him to rewrite, and continue to improve what he’s been working on.

As a kid on the spectrum, he sometimes struggles with instruction (or coaching). He’ll say “my brain works differently,” and he’s right. Sometimes he takes things literally and other times he can make things over complicated (I have this tendency myself). My husband and I have to try different approaches based on the situation.

He has made good progress on his essay, but his father and I think it can be better. My husband was asking my son to consider other ways to strengthen his message. My son was stating how he’d already done what was asked. Frustrations from both boiled over. My son retreated to his room. He came out after some time and asked for a hug. He tried whispering to me that dad was upset with him, and instead of allowing the conversation to be just he and I, I spoke so that my husband could also hear. I asked my son, “what is mom and dad’s job?” He responded as he and his brother have been taught from a young age, “to teach me things and keep me safe.” I reminded him that what we are trying to do is teach him and get the best out of him. The frustration comes from our approaches to helping/teaching him not working or getting through to him. “We feel like we’re failing you in these moments as your parents, and it’s frustrating because we’re not sure why what we’re trying to convey isn’t working. Our frustration doesn’t have to do with you, but our ability to teach you and help you.” My son smiled. My husband was listening too. We needed to have the discussion so that we were all on the same page and our goal was for my son to do his best.

Parenting has its moments, and getting frustrated is part of the growth we go through — why won’t my child stop biting, or hitting, or throwing a tantrum when they’re young; why aren’t they better behaved, have better manners, clean their room as they get older; and why won’t they listen or take my advice as the move into young adulthood. It can be painful, angering and much more. It’s realizing what’s behind it — why are we frustrated? Is it because our child is/isn’t doing something? Yes, but also because our responsibility is to teach our children to do (or not do) certain things, and when that doesn’t occur, we can internalize it as a slight on our capabilities (or lack thereof) as a parent. I’m a big believer in letting our kids in on this insight, so they don’t misunderstand and fill in the blanks (I’m bad, or not good because my parents get frustrated or upset with me).

When was the last time you got frustrated with your child? How did you work through it with them? What did you learn about yourself and your parenting approach after?

Team Work (Collaboration Part 2)

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Do you work well with others?

My youngest and his co-director continue to have communication challenges. It came to a head when they disagreed on something and his peer got upset with him. As he was recounting what happened to his father and I it became clear he knew why they had been having so much trouble getting on the same page. The co-director misheard something he’d said early in the process and she thought he was deferring all decisions to her and all the responsibilities that go with them. I would have been unhappy too. She shared with my son that he would send out a list of things that still needed to be done, late at night, before he went to bed, thinking she and the cast would see the messages in the morning, but her ADHD caused her to need to respond to the message(s) and take action immediately even if that didn’t need to happen. “I feel like I’m a bad person,” my son shared. “I had no idea she was going through this. I just thought she was up late like I was and wanted to respond.”

There’s no way he could have known. Communication is complex and being open and honest isn’t always easy. We referred back to our previous discussion on this topic. “Have you had a heart to heart with her like we talked about?” we asked. His response indicated he’d hoped the problem would resolve itself. I understood. I, too, struggled with these types of conversations when I was younger. We reminded him that while they’re hard to have, once done, it makes moving forward much easier.

I’m not convinced he and his peer are on the same page still, but the show is coming up in two weeks and he knows he has to power through. At least he has a better appreciation for what his co-director is going through and can bring more empathy (which he’s good at) to how he collaborates and communicates with her.

How do you help your child navigate challenging conversations?

Fall Favorites

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My boys are getting older and growing into themselves and their independence. While I miss somethings about them being younger, we all agree this time of year reminds us of some of our favorite things — going to the pumpkin patch, hot apple cider, decorations, costumes, future holidays, and more.

Many of these customs haven’t changed much over the years with some slight exceptions — the kids don’t wear costumes anymore (or will, but it takes a lot of prompting), and trick-o-treating behind us. Pumpkin patch, cider and decorations remain the same.

I’ve got a bit lazy of the years in terms of fall decorations, only putting out what’s relatively quick and easy to put up and take down. I also believe the boys don’t care as much about decorations anymore, but have found they have their favorites. My youngest asked if we’d put up our skeleton streamers for Halloween. They are made of tissue paper and are beyond crinkled from years of use. They make me laugh every time I put them up 😂 — do these even look like skeletons anymore? My youngest loves them and asked if we’d put them up one last year (before he graduates and if out of the house). We agreed.

See what I mean?🤣

As we transition from Halloween to Thanksgiving and Christmas we’ll repeat our traditions with modifications, of course. After all, even our favorites wear out or we outgrow them.

What is your family’s fall favorites?

Favorite Halloween

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What’s a favorite Halloween memory for you?

As my kids get older I can’t help but think of their costumes over the years. The ones I made for them when they were small – pirate costumes when they were babies (white ones, black pants, red scarf tied at their waist and a small pirate hat); and the ones they picked out as they grew – Thomas the Tank Engine and Lightning McQueen for my youngest, and Star Wars and Sports themed costumes for my oldest.

My favorite is when we dressed them up as Frog and Toad from the book series Frog and Toad are Friends. We enjoyed reading these stories with the kids, and we all found Frog and Toad very endearing. I came across the costume idea when I was in a thrift store and saw a child’s vest that looked like something Frog would wear. I found two winter hats (one for each boy) and put two puff balls on each and glued black felt eyes onto the puff balls. We dressed them in thrift clothes that mimicked pretty closely what they wear in the books. We have a sweet picture of them with them holding hands (which I’m sure we prompted them to do) on a friend’s couch in their costumes. In my opinion, they were adorable.

Every Halloween has favorite memories, costumes, parties, decorations, pumpkin patches, even scares. What is your family’s favorite?

Exciting and a Little Bit Scary

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What experiences have excited and scared you throughout your life? Going to school? Graduating? Starting a new job? Marriage? Having a child?

My oldest works while going to school. The job is on the same campus and pays well (for a student position), but it’s not necessarily a job that he’s interested in holding long-term. He’s been more interested in getting an internship in the career field he’s interested in, but it’s been a harder go than he imagined. He’s attended countless career fairs over the past year, and meets with a mentor. In my opinion, taking all the right steps, yet he was unable to secure an internship this last summer.

He could have resided himself that this field wasn’t for him, or that he was somehow not employee material, but he buckled down, took the feedback he got along the way and persisted, recently attending another career fair and getting an internship offer extended on the spot. He was thrilled. He still has a few more career fairs to go before deciding on what he’ll do next summer, but his confidence has grown.

I wished I’d coined this phrase, but borrowing it from something Snoop Dogg (yes, Snoop Dogg) said on a blind audience episode of The Voice when a singer didn’t get a chair turn. In those situations you can feel like a failure, like something is wrong with you or you aren’t good enough, but Snoop summed it up best. “L isn’t for loser. It’s for lesson.” How right he is, we learn these lessons along the way, and need to silence our inner critic’s voice that tells us otherwise.

As I shared my joy with my son about his internship offer I also mentioned he might feel excited and a little bit scared. I know I’ve experienced those feelings in times of personal growth. We agreed that’s what growing up is all about.

What makes you excited and a little bit scared?

I will be away next week to spend time with family and back later in the month.

Small Victories

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As my youngest nears the time of moving out after high school, I’m keenly aware of things I still want to teach him before he leaves us. While there is likely sage wisdom I’d like to impart, he’s at the age where he is sometimes open to it, and sometimes isn’t, which I can relate to, as I remember being his age and thinking I had most things figured out (ha!).

I’ve decided to assist him in becoming better prepared for success in his increasing independence, as he is open to my guidance in this area.

He had a prescription that needed to be refilled. He came out and asked me to call in the refill. You can guess what happened next. 😉 I suggested he call in the Rx. He wanted to do it with me present. We listened to the prompts, he entered the prescription number and got it submitted.

Imagine my surprise when a month or so later, I see him walk into the kitchen with his prescription and dials the pharmacy. He never says a word to me, he just does it. I suppress my enthusiasm at him being proactive and completing the task on his own. The next day I mention to him I need to run out to pick up something from the store and he asks if I would pick up his medication. He smiles — proud of himself and likely knows how happy it makes me that he filled the prescription on his own and I smile too. 😊 Small victories. One more step towards independence.

The best part was picking up the medication. I know our pharmacist well, and know she’s a fellow mom. “I’m so proud. My son submitted his refill all on his own. I know he’s old enough to do it, but I’m beyond thrilled,” I shared. She reiterated stories of older kids, including college graduates that come in and don’t know how to do this. She told me to tell my son she was proud of himself too.

I didn’t impart great wisdom to my child, but some information that will give him confidence as he gets ready to move into the world.

What small victories bring a small to your face?

Parenting Stress

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How do you relieve stress?

The stress that goes along with parenting has definitely tapered off as my kids have grown — not because there isn’t stress, but because there is less to stress about specifically regarding them — do I worry? Yes. Do I wonder if I taught them everything I should have? Yes. But it’s not something I stress about. The are old enough to take care of themselves (which was a bigger stressor for me when they were younger), and any stress I feel now tends to be tied to not being in a position to help them, or concerns with their mental state when I know they’ve been hurt (relationship issues for example). Letting them know I’m there for them and hearing from them quells my stress.

The state of the world, and the state of America, causes me way more stress than my kids do. That’s saying something. It can feel overwhelming at times. My youngest has shared his stress, fear, and depression over what he hears and see in the news, and yes, I encourage him to disconnect, but world history and politics are passions for him. While he logically understands the benefit of tuning out, his interest to know what’s going on usually wins out. And so, there is stress. Again, I make myself available to him to talk. I try to remind him that things will be okay (even if I’m not sure they will). As long as he’s willing to talk about his concerns, it lets me know he’s okay. We have offered sessions with a therapist if it would help (and he’s done therapy before — we all have in my family), but for now says he’s okay.

Stress is hard. Adding parenting to the mix can take stress to another level. We have to be kind to ourselves and find ways to relieve stress in an extraordinarily stressful time.

How do you relieve stress? How do you help your child relieve their’s?