Tag Archives: Raising Kids

The Waiting Game

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Most of us have been on family vacations that include a long period of time in the car. It never fails at some point during the trip, the kids get restless, the distractions no longer distract, and the noise volume increases. It was this way when I was a kid, and it’s the way it is now with my own kids. When we reach this point, whoever notices it first will call for “The Quiet Game.” I think many of us have invoked the Quiet Game in this situation–where everyone gets quiet, and the last person to speak (or in some cases make any kind of sound) wins the game.

We were recently on a road trip that required us to get on a ferry with our car. We left the house early in hopes that we’d make it in time to get on the earlier ferry. After waiting in line for almost two hours, we learned that we were seven cars too late and we’d have to wait another five hours for the next ferry. It was a bit deflating, but we were prepared to wait it out. We were also preparing ourselves for playing the Quiet Game…we feared we might have to play it multiple times throughout our wait.

We went to a nearby cafe to get some food and drinks to help us get through the long hours, and noticed there was a beach just down the hill from where we were parked. We ventured down to take a closer look, thinking we could kill 30 minutes to an hour down there. Instead, we found there was a beach trail, that included a broad walk and separate paved path for several miles. Since we had such a long wait, we had plenty of time to explore.

My youngest son and I went first, we took our time on the path, noticing the sea life, the way the boardwalk turned and curved, and other wonders of nature along the way (a caterpillar eating a leaf, a large stump washed up on the shore, little pinecones on the ground). I was very present in the moment with my son. It was relaxing and we enjoyed each others company. When we got back to the car, we still had a few more hours to get through. My husband and our older son decided they would check out the path based on our experience. My younger son wanted to work on an activity book, and then when my older son returned they decided to watch a movie on the DVD player we had brought “just in case.”

When we got onto the ferry, my husband and I discussed how pleasant the long wait had been. No Quiet Game, no fussing, nothing negative. It had been time well spent. We had found ways to occupy ourselves and created some new memories at a ferry terminal. Not something I expected to do.

I will look a waiting differently in the future. It may include the Quiet Game, but it also provides me with the opportunity to be present with my kids and to find the joy in our surroundings whatever they might be.

What is your favorite game to play on road trips? What helps make the time pass more quickly or pleasantly?

Time to Relax

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I’ve blogged before about the need we have to recharge ourselves and give ourselves back energy. We risk burning out, may experience negative feels (anger, resentment, frustration) more easily, and make it tough to bring our full self to anyone (child, spouse, etc.) or thing (work, friendships, etc.) if we don’t do it.

I was fortunate enough to be able to give myself a big energy boost recently. I met up with some of my girlfriends and spent four fabulous days with them. During our time, we had deep connected discussions, I slept peacefully (with no interruptions or small people jumping on me unexpectedly!), I was able to relax and let all (or at least most) of my stresses go. It was only for a few days, but it felt great. I missed my children and my husband, but knew they were having fun and everyone was fine during my absence. It was hard to get away when my kids were younger, I felt tremendous guilt when I had to leave them even for a day. I felt guilty for putting all the responsibility of taking care of our boys on my husband. It was misplaced guilt. My husband enjoyed and still enjoys taking care of the boys by himself, it gives them a chance to be together and have their own special time, just like I’m having mine.

It can be difficult to find ways to give yourself that needed rest or energy boost you need, especially without feeling guilty, but it’s so needed, and can be an excellent opportunity for new connections and a recharge for all.

How do you relax? If you experienced any guilt, how did you work through it?

Mother Bear

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My boys wanted to see the Disney Nature film Bears that is playing in theaters now. The movie follows a mother bear and her two cubs during their first year of life. There is a scene where the mother and her cubs meet other bears in a field. It is the first time the cubs have ever seen other bears. The narrator focuses in on the male cub, Scout, and how he may be trying to determine who his adult role model should be in the field. The narrator continues by covering the various male types there–the dominant bear, the strongest bear, most persistent, disinterested, etc. The narrator doesn’t answer who Scout selects, but leaves it with the viewer to try to determine.

Throughout the movie, the bears incur many struggles–trying to get food, fighting off other animals and sometimes fighting off other bears. It is a difficult journey they make. The mother bear is a mix of what I think most of us, as mothers would want to be. She’s tough when needed, protective, loving and determined to teach her children not only how to survive but to thrive. She is a role model for us all, and as it turns out, she was the role model Scout had been looking for in the field earlier in the movie. As the narrator explains, he didn’t have to look far for his role model because his mother had been right by his side all along.

As a mother, many of us desire to be that same role model for our child. It can sometimes seem difficult or challenging, but knowing how important our job of being a mom is, we keep at it determined to do the best job we can.

Who was your role model growing up? How are you being a role model for your child?

To all the moms out there–Happy Mother’s Day.

How Rude!

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It’s no fun encountering someone who is rude, right? It can really throw off your day, and put you in a bad mood. No fun.

My husband and I have recently been experiencing rudeness at the hands of our oldest child. We’ve been working on manners for quite some time, and while there has been good progress there is still room for improvement. Our oldest is eight, and in a place where he is working through growing independence and experiencing emotions more intensely. It makes for a challenging environment.

After pointing out the rude behavior we were seeing to our son, and doling out consequences that did not appear to be deterring his behavior, my husband and I decided we had to come up with a new strategy. My husband suggested that our son might still not grasp what being rude really meant and that we should talk with him to make it clear. We sat down with our son to have the discussion. It started off with our son telling and showing us how much he didn’t want to have the conversation (e.g. he got upset, outwardly showed his disdain with a grunt, scrunched up face and balled up fists, and then tried to walk away). We sat our son down and began.

We talked to him about his behavior and how it was unacceptable, and asked if he understood what being rude meant, and what actions constituted being rude. Listening to his answers really helped. “Being rude is when you’re not nice to someone?” he said guessing. “It’s more than just not being nice,” my husband shared. We began a dialogue that lasted more than 20 minutes. We talked about what being rude meant (not acknowledging others when they are speaking to you, and exhibiting behaviors that imply your needs are more important than the other person’s). We asked him again to give his definition. He struggled to come up with an explanation that was simple and clear for him, so my husband and I invoked a role-playing session to show how he could better identify rudeness. Since we often associate respect as being the opposite of rude, we thought we should help clarify some nuances there as well. We shared that being respectful doesn’t mean you have to agree with someone or do what they ask you to do, it’s how you handle yourself in these situations.

He seemed to be grasping what we were talking about, and started to get down on himself for not recognizing how his behavior had come across and impacted others.  We stopped him before he got too far along in that line of thinking, and reminded him that our job is to teach him, and what he is going through is part of growing up. We told him that he was a really neat kid, and that it was important for us to talk to him about his behavior, because when he is rude, it takes away from how neat he is. We continued that if he wasn’t aware that he was being rude, and nothing changed, there might be people who miss out on understanding how much he has to offer, and that would have been a shame. He really seemed to understand what we were saying now.

My husband and I moved on from talking about being rude, and asked him how his day had gone. Our son started to tell us when my husband interrupted him to ask him for more details. My son called his father out on what he did, “Dad, you’re being rude! You just interrupted me.” My husband and I looked at each other with a mutual understanding — we got through to our son…he does understand what being rude means, yes! It felt like we’d really gotten through to him and helped our son learned. It felt great. I didn’t know rudeness could lead to such a place.

How do you help your child work through difficult behavior? When did you know you were getting through to your child?

Spring Break

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With the brutal weather conditions that have plagued the northern half of the country this past winter: from snow storm after snow storm, to rain in record-breaking proportions, I am grateful for the ritual of Spring Break. The idea of going somewhere sunny and warm is very appealing.

It is a beautiful time of year where I live. There are tulips, daffodils, and trees blossoming. It helps get me through the dreary weather. I still long for some time away. For some rest, and a change in scenery where there are no work obligations and I can enjoy connected time with my family. It never seems long enough.

What does Spring Break mean for you? How do you rest, and recharge?

The News on Stay-at-Home Moms (and Dads)

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It’s in the news again….this time the media is stating more women are staying at home to raise their children. If this really news? Sounds like someone is trying to start a debate, doesn’t it? Does it really matter if more women are staying home or going back to work? I think each woman’s (and man’s) decision is made for their own unique reasons and lumping parents into working or stay-at-home categories (and all the stereotypes that go with them) is a dangerous precedent. Aren’t we all trying to be the best parents we can be? My guess is, if we peeled back this observation, we’d find more parents are staying home — whether it’s the mom or the dad.

Every caring parent grapples with how to best raise their child, how to nuture them, and teach them. When it comes to deciding if a parent will stay at home or go back to work there is no easy decision, and in my experince, a whole lot of second guessing. When I speak to parenting groups, I talk about the phenomena of second guessing that occurs when you became a parent. It can feel like you’re getting your PhD whether you realize it or not. I was indoctrinated into second guessing just about everything within weeks of becoming a parent. Once I realized second guessing was becoming second nature, I started to push back against it. I found that when I was unsure, research, a discussion with my spouse, and sometimes others (when appropriate) helped me make decisions I felt good about. I also realized I had the opportunity to evaluate and course-correct when/if needed. It was liberating.

Only you know how to best raise your child. Staying at home versus going back to work is a personal decision. One isn’t better than the other.

If there is news in any of this, it’s that we, as parents, are constantly seeking to do what’s best for our child regardless of whether we stay home or not. That sounds like good news to me.

What do you parenting decisions have you struggled to make? How are combating second guessing?

Go Ahead Make My Day

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Many of us are familiar with the Clint Eastwood character Dirty Harry who used the famous tagline, “Go ahead, make my day.” I was reminded of this phrase during a particularly tough week at work.  But not in the way you might think.

The work week started like many others, with a steady stream of work pouring in. I knew the week would be different, when the pouring didn’t stop. By mid-week, I knew there was still quite a mountain to climb before I could reach the end of the work week. It was not a good feeling.

I could have gotten overwhelmed or difficult to be around as my workload increased, but I knew that wouldn’t help me get to my goal of completion. Instead, I started seeking out “good moments” during the day. I found that when I allowed myself to notice them, and really take them in, it made what could have been a bad day, more than bearable, it actually turned it into a good day. These “good moments” were, in fact, making my day.

Finding the good moments weren’t particularly difficult, once I paid particular attention to finding them. The good moments came in various forms: sharing a joy with my kids, or us laughing together; my spouse and I connecting over something other than work or the kids; noticing fall colors; and having dinner with a friend. These good moments helped redefine what could have been a bad week to a pretty darn good one.

As a working parent, a terrible work week can sometimes spill over in your family life. I’m glad I sought the good moments to help defend against it happening in mine. When a bad work week starts to form, I’ve got my go-to phrase now: “Go ahead, make my day.” With good moments, of course.

How do you combat a tough work week? Where do find your good moments?

We (Wii) Dance

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Do you have a Wii or know someone who does?  If so, have you ever done Wii Dance?

My boys were introduced to Wii Dance during after school activities. When I picked them up one day I saw my youngest son participating and my oldest eagerly awaiting his turn. They both worked diligently to match the the dance moves showing on the screen, whether they were “officially” playing the game or not. There was great concentration, but also a wonderful joy. I couldn’t help getting caught up in their enthusiasm.

As I’ve aged, I’ve been bracing myself for the day I’ll become uncool to my kids. Watching them do Wii Dance I realized that moment was approaching faster than I’d like. The moves on the screen seemed more modern than what I remember growing up, and the fact that I just used the word “modern” to describe dance moves makes me feel even more old. I was tempted to join in with my boys and give Wii Dance a try, but resisted the urge, because I’m determined not to embarrass my children in public, at least not intentionally.

Once the Wii Dance party ended, we headed for home and found ourselves later that evening watching a movie. The movie had a soundtrack with several dance-able songs. I took that opportunity to get my groove on (and yes, the fact that I just used that phrase seems to be cementing that I just can’t help but embrace I am of a certain age). Instead of dancing by myself, I invited the kids to join me. They thought it was a blast. We laughed, we spun, we dipped and really enjoyed ourselves. We decided that we have a lot of fun when ‘we dance’.

I might not ever get to do Wii Dance in public, but I’ll take a private dance party with my guys any day.

How do you show your fun side to your child?

 

Lucky Clover

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When I was a child I learned that four-leaf clovers are good luck, and if I found one I was told I would have good luck for a day. It was never quite clear to me if it was the day you found the clover, or the next, but the promise of a good day sounded fantastic.

My children have learned from their classmates that finding a penny is good luck. They get very excited when they find change on the ground. They understand money buys things, but also realize there is almost nothing you can buy for a penny. It’s as though the penny represents more than one cent. It represents that something good happened to you. And if it happened once, it’s likely to happen again.

What is it about these signs of luck or good fortune that captivate us? The promise of happiness or good fortune coming our way expectedly, right?

Luck seems to help explain good things that are, well, unexplainable. A few examples of how I’ve experienced luck:

  • Winning a prize for a contest that I’d never signed up for
  • Running into an old friend in an airport thousands of miles away from where I grew up and where I currently live
  • The day I met my spouse

Now, I realize their are nay-sayers who might attribute these experiences to fate or coincidence, and yet others who adamantly believe we create our own luck. I have to admit any of these things can be true, but I prefer to think of them as luck. They were unexpected, there is nothing I could have done to influence them happening, and they brought me joy.

There are certainly instances where we make good situations happen for ourselves, but isn’t it nice to think there’s a possibility something good might happen outside of our efforts?

I’m happy my boys think finding a penny is good luck. The happiness it brings them is priceless, it makes me smile. So does finding four-leaf clovers.

What unexpected joy have you experienced? Did luck play a part?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Written to the One I Love

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The class lists came home in my boys’ backpacks earlier this week, and we’ve been working on their Valentine’s Day cards ever since. I asked my sons what Valentine’s Day was all about. One son said, “Presents?” The other said, “No, it’s about love!” I continued my line of questioning. “So, why do you think we have a holiday about love?” One said, “I don’t know.” The other, “Because.” I love how simply they accept this holiday, and their willingness to show their classmates they care about them.

When I was eight years old, I had a crush on a boy named Greg. He went to another school and though I liked him, I rarely saw him. One day, a mutual friend found me and told me that Greg made something in school and wanted me to have it. She handed me a clay snake that Greg had made in his art class. I remember my heart racing, so happy to receive Greg’s gift. We were young, and our concept of love innocent. While his gesture was simple, it had a impact. He made me feel special.

I used to think love came in the form of notes, but Greg helped me realize it can take many forms. It can be in a card, or a song, a vulnerable moment, even in a clay snake. As my boys deliver their Valentine’s Day cards today, I’ll remind them that we can show others we care about them many different ways, and any day of the year.

How are you teaching your children about love? How are you encouraging them to show others they care?