Tag Archives: Parenting

Secrets

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Secrets can be heavy, and are something a child learns to keep.

When I was six, I was playing restaurant with a friend. We were seated at the play table and decided we need to create a menu to make the game more fun. My friend asked, “what should we put on the menu?” I was feeling gutsy, so instead of saying what I normally would have said–pizza, fries, pie–I decided to try out a new word I’d heard a neighborhood teen say–a word that sounded bad, but I wasn’t sure. I decided my friend would be a safe place to try it out. I said, “why don’t we put f***ing cake on the menu.” My friend’s face went pale. I giggled nervously, thinking I was somehow cool for having the nerve to try it out. My friend said, “you just said a bad word. I’m going to go tell your mom.” Oh no, I thought…I hadn’t thought about my mom finding out as a possibility. I panicked and begged my friend not to tell. They did tell, and I got into big trouble. My punishment was soap in the mouth — needless to say I didn’t say another bad word out loud for a long time, but I picked up another habit…learning how to keep a secret. Instead of asking my parents or a trusted adult what something I didn’t understand, or was confused by, meant I kept it to myself, trying to figure out the meaning on my own, or relying on my peers or older kids in the neighborhood. It was a recipe for a lot of misinformation and even more confusion about how the world worked.

As an adult, I learned keeping secrets can become an overwhelming burden; weighing you down lot a ton of bricks. It can hinder your ability to enjoy your life controlling your thoughts and actions. Speaking your truth–whether it’s ignorance about how something works, or something you did, or something you didn’t do but should have, etc.–can set you free, or certainly start to lift you from the weight of the burden.

My son recently asked if he could talk to me in private. He asks me to do this occasionally, and I always reassure him that I will listen to what he has to say, and he doesn’t need to worry about being embarrassed or ashamed about whatever he wants to talk to me about. He shared that he had seen a picture that made him feel excited, nervous and sick. Despite having the computer in an open space in our home, with parental control filters on, he came across a picture that was too grown up for him to see (the pic was of a woman scantily clad in a provocative pose–it was an ad next to a YouTube video (the YouTube video was appropriate for kids, the ad clearly was not)). My heart dropped a bit when he told me this, partly because I recognized he was losing some of his innocence, and partly because I was hopeful we wouldn’t cross this bridge with him until he was much older. The upside of learning this information was that my son had the courage to tell me, and trusted me to help him deal with it.

While I would love to take away screen time forever and protect my son from being exposed to inappropriate matter, it isn’t realistic, and wouldn’t solve the problem. Instead, my husband and I needed to come up with a plan to help our son. I sat down and talked with him about what he saw (my husband had a separate conversation with him as well), and we came up with a plan for what to do when you come across inappropriate pictures. Like many parental firsts, I felt like we were treading new ground. I’d never had a conversation like this with my parents, and can only hope we’re handling this in a way that will truly help him.

After sharing his secret, my son’s demeanor changed: where he had been moody and short tempered, he became happy and couldn’t get the smile off his face. We were out the next day enjoying ourselves, and he came over to me and said, “Mom, I don’t have any more secrets!” I could see the shear joy on his face at this realization. I asked him how not having any secrets felt. He thought for a moment and said, “Pretty good.” Pretty good indeed, I thought.

Keeping a secret is hard. Helping your child navigate growing up is hard. Having open conversations that don’t allow secrets to live is freeing, and it feels great.

How are you helping your child navigate challenging issues?

Bad Dreams

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My oldest is nine. He is starting to want to branch out and watch TV programs on channels other than Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network. He understand that the ratings on a TV show are a good guide to help him understand if my husband and I will be okay with him watching it’s content. He asked me to sit with him while he watched a show about the history or legends of strange places. I wasn’t keen on him watching the show, as I felt it could be confusing and potentially give him nightmares, but knew that I couldn’t shield him from such show forever. I sat down with him and proceeded to watch the show.

Part of the episode included a gangster getting killed by other gangsters who were trying to free him. The show did a good job of showing minimal carnage, but you got the idea of what happened: there were Tommy guns, and spatters of blood with people lying on the ground. I told my son we needed to find something else to watch. Later that night after my son had gone to bed, he got up and told me he couldn’t sleep. I knew this would happen, I thought, ugh! I told him to sit down and talk to me about what was keeping him awake. “I can’t get the image out of my head. I keep thinking someone is going to come out of nowhere and shoot me,” he shared. My first attempt to make him feel better was based on facts: gangsters are something we mainly see on TV, not in real life. I proceeded to detail when gangsters were at their height and why gangsters were dangerous. He thought about this for a minute and said, “Thanks, but that doesn’t really help.” Okay, what else can I try? I thought about the technique I use when I get scary images in my head, I try to turn them into something less threatening or scary. I try to turn them into something silly or ridiculous. It’s hard to be afraid when the image makes you smile or laugh. I shared my idea with my son, “what if we could make what’s scary you into something funny?” He smiled at the thought. I said, “What if instead of bullets coming out of the gun, tickets, like you win at the Family Fun Center, came out of the gun; and it made a ding-ding-ding sound instead of a bang-bang-bang sound?” I had him now, he was grinning from ear to ear. “Or what if, instead of pulling a gun out of his coat, he pulled out a butterfly?” my son added with a laugh. “I love it! That’s really good,” I said. I could tell my son was feeling better and had a strategy that was helping him.

It turned out the TV show provided an opportunity to connect with my son and allowed me to give him a tool he could use; it felt good.

How have you helped your child work through a nightmare? What unexpected places provided an opportunity for you to teach, or connect with, your child?

Rock Around the Clock

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Springing forward always reminds me how precious time is. When my sons were born, time went from normal spend to slow-motion. Sleepless nights, feeding, clothing and changing seemed like an endless cycle. I couldn’t wait for time to get back to “normal” speed again. What I’ve noticed is the more independent your child becomes, the faster time seems to go. You don’t have to hover over them to get them ready or be beside them each second to know where they are and what they are up to.  My husband and I made this observation the other day, while the kids were busy playing with their toys by themselves and we were having a conversation in the other room. It’s nice, I thought, they are able to do more on their own. And the more they are able to do on their own, the less they will need my assistance. It made me momentarily sad. It reminded me of the precious time I have left with them before they go out and live life on their own.

This realization made for a great ‘live-in-the-moment’ opportunity. As a family, we watched a movie together. During the credits, music played that we couldn’t help, but dance to. It was silly, but exhilarating. While my boys are still relatively young, I won’t always get to do this. It made dancing with them in that moment that much more special. I could have danced all night like that.

How has time changed for you as your child grows? What event(s) helped you to pause and appreciate what was going on in a moment of time?

Masterminds and Wingmen

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I had taken my boys in for haircuts when one of the employees came to me and said, “I know your boys are a little young for this, but you just have to read this book,” and proceeded to tell me about Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World by Rosalind Wisemen. I was a bit skeptical, but her enthusiasm convinced me to check it out. I have not been disappointed.

The book is written to help parents better understand their sons and provides strategies for how to better handle situations. With each page I read of the book, I felt like I was discovering something new about the opposite sex. I was amazed how little I felt I truly understood about the male experience growing up. I immediately went to my husband and said, “I need you to read this, and tell me if there is any truth to it…if there is, I feel like we’ve struck gold!”

I am passionate about parenting with no regrets and this book is greatly appreciated. It’s hard to get something right when you don’t know what you don’t know. What struck me about this book is how little of us are talking about this (the differences between sexes and our experiences growing up)…there is great information in here, why wouldn’t we want to use this to have more open dialogue with our sons and daughters. Reading this book feels like something that needs to be shared and discussed.

The book has made such an impression on me, I’ve recently picked another Rosalind Wiseman book: Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World. Based on the reviews I’m guessing it’s as good as Masterminds and Wingmen. Assuming so, while the book is targeted at parents, I’m leaning towards sharing both books with my boys in their teens. Parents may need to understand their sons and daughters, but kids need helping understanding themselves and the dynamics potentially going on around them. I’m hoping these books will help shed insight I would have benefitted from growing up. Don’t just watch me navigate child and teen-hood, help me understand what is happening and why, so I can have a better understand what is happening and why.

I’m grateful the hairdresser made a point to let me know about this book. She inspired me to share it with you.

What parenting information has inspired you?

 

I Wish…

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If you could wish for anything, what would it be?

After seeing a cartoon where the main character was asked to make three wishes, my son turned to me and said, “Mom, what would you wish for?” I couldn’t help but say, “Three more wishes!” He smiled and said, “Okay, what would you ask for if you had six wishes?” I know what I would have said if I were the age of my son — more toys, or clothes, or money…whatever the wish would have been it would have included *MORE*.  As an adult, I had to think for a moment.  “Hmmm. I would wish that we all get to live a long, healthy life and no one dies from disease or tragedy.” “What else?,” my son asked, “You still have five more wishes left.” I kept going, though have to admit it was getting harder to think of what else I’d wish for. If I could guarantee my family would live long healthy lives, I don’t think I’d need anything more. “Okay…I’d wish for all of us to have fun all the time. I’d wish that all of our family members and friends are safe. I’d wish all people who were struggling would find hope or help.” I came up with my remaining wishes, but honestly it was pretty tough. The things I wanted to wish for were things I couldn’t control. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could?

After the holiday season ends, the January Blues can hit. It can make us wish for many things: for the cold and stormy weather to give way to warmth and sunshine; for a change of scenery; for a new start; for something better for us or those around us. Our wishes are endless. But what do you wish for that you can make a reality? Versus what is out of your control?

I’ve revisited the wishes I listed to my son and have revised my list slightly. I still wish I could guarantee that we’d all live long healthy lives (not in my control), but since I can’t my wish is that I make the most of each day and take nothing for granted more often (it’s not easy to do, but it is in my control), that I’d keep my eyes ‘open’ and experience what is around me more (not always easy to do, but still in my control), and find and experience joy when and where it happens more. I guess my older self still wanted more after all.

What do you wish for this year?

W

Jackpot!

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When was the last time you felt like you struck it rich? Whether it was winning money unexpectedly or having an outcome or experience better than expected?

I had one in an unexpected place…a local family fun center. We went to the family fun center to pass the time on a rainy day. My boys were off playing separate games. I was with my younger son and we joined his brother to an atmosphere of excitement. Lights were flashing and the machine was dispensing tickets at a fast rate. My older son exclaimed, “I hit the jackpot!” When he said this, I thought he won maybe 50 tickets or so. But then I looked at the game and saw he indeed hit The Jackpot — 1500 tickets. He was ecstatic, and I was stunned. How often does someone hit a jackpot, I thought.

We can so often think the jackpot is out of our reach in life. While we might not win the lottery or the jackpot at our local family fun center, I’d argue that we’ve all hit the jackpot many times without realizing it. I felt like I hit the jackpot when I met my husband, we bought our first house and when our kids were born. I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot anytime I see a beautiful landscape, hear a song that I love, I connect with others in my writing or speaking, run into a friend in an unexpected place, or get an “I love you” from one of my boys. When I think about it, I’ve hit the ‘jackpot’ many times. It isn’t a rare thing, as much as it is a special thing.

When do you feel like you’ve hit the jackpot?

Holiday Traditions

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What holiday traditions do you have in your family?

I was asked this question recently, and my initial reaction was “we don’t have many traditions,” followed by the thought I’ve got to work on that.

As I reflected on this question and started to name traditions we had, I realized that we actually had many, they just differed from the traditions of my childhood. They were newer, not as well entrenched as the old, but are quickly becoming so.

I hadn’t put too much thought into how traditions might change having my own kids, or nieces and nephews, but I’m certainly enjoying figuring it out. Experiencing the joy of the season with kids, particularly those that still believe in the magic of it, is a delight. I can see my younger self in their hopes, desires and eagerness. I can feel their enthusiasm when they are reminded that Christmas is only a few weeks away. Its contagious, it brings the little kid in me back to life (kind of like Frosty, right?).

What new traditions are you creating (or have created) with your family and loved ones?

 

The Great Pumpkin

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Many of us have watched the “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” Halloween special before. It’s been an annual tradition in our family through the years. The show took on a new meaning for me this year.

My youngest son had returned from a trip to a local pumpkin patch with some classmates and had just sit down to watch some Halloween cartoons when I arrived to pick him up. He was not happy with my timing. This has happened before in the past, when I seem to show up at the wrong time (meaning I’ve shown up when he is in the middle of an activity he is enjoying, or getting ready to start one). I typically allow him a few minutes to finish the activity or do the new activity ever-so-briefly, and assumed my strategy would work with my son on this particular day. It didn’t. Instead my son had a meltdown of volcanic proportions. He became very vocal (loud) in front of the room of kids saying, “I want to watch the movie. I will NOT go, you cannot make me go.” His other classmates saw what was going on, and tried to console him, reminding him there would be other opportunities to watch the film, but he wasn’t hearing any of it. “NO, NO, NO!” was his reaction. He stood up and ran away from me. I was a little taken aback and was quickly reassessing how to best handle the situation. I was in a room full of people (adults and kids) and my son had taken the spotlight away from the movie and had become the show. My inner critic was creeping in (if you were a better parent, this wouldn’t have happened…why aren’t you able to calm your son down?). I asked my son to step into the director’s office (where they normally send kids to calm down) and had to take a few deep breaths. I was partly mortified at his behavior, disappointed in myself for not being able to address the situation without it getting to the point that it had, and frustrated that any of this had occurred. After a stressful week of work, it was the last thing I needed.

It was one of those moments where I really had to pause. My emotions were high. I wanted to handle this in a positive way (though there didn’t seem to be anything positive going on in the present). I had to really think, how do I help my son through this situation? After a few moments it dawned on me. This wasn’t about watching the movie (he could watch it anytime), but not having control over the situation and not liking that–and that, I could understand.

I was able to get my son out to the car (though I did have to carry him), and eventually calm him down. I’m not sure he really understood why he got so upset, but we both knew we didn’t want it to happen again. My son and I made a deal, when we are upset or disappointed about something it’s okay to have the feeling, but we have to talk about it in a way that helps you get what you want or need. He’s young, he’s learning. I’m learning too.

I have a greater appreciation for It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, as a result. It’s a story about wanting something to happen (you want to see the Great Pumpkin) and the disappointment that comes when it doesn’t happen as you’d hoped. I’ll remember my son’s disappointment and how he (and I) will grow from it.

What holiday show has taken on new meaning for you and your family as you raised your child?

Brave

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Were you brave as a child? If you were, what helped you be brave or kept you brave?

I was like many and easily scared as a child. It didn’t take much. I recall having nightmares after watching Scooby Doo–darn those adults in those monster costumes trying to scare those meddling kids! I was also scared of roller coasters–just the idea of them made my stomach do flips, or roller skating on anything other than a flat surface–my younger sister used to roller skate down our steep driveway without any fear, I was in awe. I wasn’t big into taking risks and sought out safety.

My youngest son has had a heightened sense of fear in the last six months. Things he didn’t seem bothered by before, now are concerning for him. He is very vocal about his concern and his desire not to attempt the following: roller coasters or anything fast, being within hearing range of thunder and lightning, and swimming. Since I too shared the fear of roller coasters as a I child, I understand where my son is coming from. Fear of thunder and lightning I understand too. We don’t get it much here in the northwest, so when it does happen, particularly when the storm is intense or close, it can be scary for anyone. Swimming is a bit more puzzling. He’s been in lessons for a while. He is just learning to swim on his own and hasn’t shown any sign of not liking class. When we took him to class, his anxiety surfaced and he shared what was bothering him. “I don’t want to go into the deep end.” “Why would you go into the deep end?” I asked. “You and your teacher will decide where you go in the pool. Just tell him you don’t want to go in the deep end.” He seemed to think about this for a second, but the fear was still there. “But what if I have to jump in, and I can’t touch the bottom?” I tried reassuring him again. “The teacher is here to help you swim and keep you safe. They won’t ask you to do anything they don’t think you’re ready for.” He was still nervous as he entered the pool, but quickly realized the teacher didn’t have any plans to take him to the deep end, and was soon enjoying the class.

This reminded me of an incident over the summer. We were at a community splash park, where they have water spraying, and tipping buckets. Our son was eager to go to the park, but wouldn’t come out from under the shelter to enjoy himself when he saw dark clouds in the distance and heard the low rumble of distant thunder. It was sunny where we were, the rain clouds were far away, and my husband and I (and all the other parents there) were keeping an eye on them. My older son took off for the splash park and was having a blast. My younger son looked at me after a few minutes of watching his brother and the others kids playing and said, “Mom, I’m going to face my fear.” He got up, and ran into the splash park. He was giggling within seconds, and having a great time with the other kids. My husband and I looked at each other–wow, did he just say that? we thought. There was a pride in both of us. That he was willing to recognize his own fear and want to overcome it was inspiring.

Our son is still vocal about this fear, but we’re now able to talk to him in terms he understands. Do you want to conquer your fear? we ask. We remind him how good it can feel to be brave and do something he might not think he’s capable of, but we do. It reminds me as an adult, we too have fears that we each face–taking risks, standing up for ourselves, working through stressful situations, illness, and the list goes on. It’s a scary world out there sometimes, but we have an opportunity to do something about it. When faced with a scary situation how do you conquer your fear? What helps you to be brave?

You’re Great!

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Doesn’t it feel wonderful when loves you for who you are because they just do, without any strings attached? We don’t experience it often, but it feels great when we do.

We recently had some out-of-town guests. The mother in the family visiting and I have known each other all of our lives. Our families have been very close. She is like a sister. She has not seen my children in several years because of the distance, but that didn’t stop her from treating my boys like they were very special to her. She made a point to talk to each boy, asking them how they were doing and what they were up to, and encouraged them to share some of their gifts with her (e.g. their ability to read, draw, etc.). She cared. They felt it. It really made an impression on them.

My friends gesture made me think about where I have experienced this myself, or where I may have given this to others. I’m reminded of a friend from church who was much like a grandfather to me. He would greet me each week with a great big smile and tell me how glad he was to see me. He would often say, “We (referring to his wife and himself) just think you’re great.” It felt amazing. I didn’t do anything worthy of this praise, but it didn’t stop him. You could tell that he genuinely felt that way too. It was a gift to be the recipient.

While our guests were in town they were very busy: sightseeing, visiting with other friends and enjoying some outlying attractions. They weren’t at our house all that much, as a result. When my boys learned that my friend and her family would be heading back soon, they were sorely disappointed. “When can she visit us again?” and “When can we go visit them” they inquired. Wow, I thought, she really made an impression. While I’ve always cared for my friend dearly, I love her even more for sharing her gift of love, acceptance and joy with no strings attached with my boys. I don’t expect they’ll experience this very often, but know it will feel wonderful when they do.

How do you make others know that they are loved? How do let others know that they’re great?