Category Archives: Parenting

Back to School Jitters — Parent Edition

Posted on by

0

When your child started back to school did you feel nervous?

Feeling nervous as a parent was a surprise to me, yet I’ve experienced it every new school year. When my oldest son started kindergarten I was nervous but thought it was natural because he was moving from pre-school to elementary, he’d be with new people, have more structure and more expectations put upon him. I worried if he’d fit in and make friends, and be safe, and like his teacher…you get the picture. I was caught off guard when I was nervous when he entered first grade the following year. He knew the school and most of his classmates. He did have a new teacher, but the school is small and most of the kids (and parents) know the faculty. The pattern has repeated over the years. Each new school year creates a bit of anxiety and nerves for me, the parent, on the first day. What is going on? Why am I still nervous? Parents aren’t supposed to get nervous, right? I thought. Clearly I was wrong.

Upon reflection, I realized there were several reasons why a parent may be nervous:

  • You care about your child and worry about them making (or keeping) friends and fitting in
  • You worry about them having a positive learning environment
  • You care about how your child does in school, and how you as the parent, are helping your child be successful–trying to figure out how to accomplish this (helping with homework, etc.) and keeping up with all your other responsibilities would make anyone nervous (e.g. how am I going to do this (again)?)
  • You care about your own friendships–do you mesh with your child’s classmates parents? It seems so trivial, but feeling like you are part of a school community not only forces your child to make friends, but forces the parents to also. It takes effort and precious time. Will other parents like me? How will I fit in?
  • You relive your own childhood through your child(ren) in many ways. A new school year, at least for me, takes me back to the fear I used to have when I was growing up–would people like me, was my teacher going to be nice, did anyone notice the effort I put into my new outfit? 🙂

We grow up with our kids. We learn patience and better appreciate what matters in life. I dropped my sons off at school, and marveled at how well they handled it, how well I handled it. The nerves slipped away quickly, but I know they’ll be back next year.

How do you experience the new school year with your child? If you have any tips for how to calm your child’s nerve, please share.

Back to School Shopping

Posted on by

0

Is going back to school the most wonderful time of the year as the commercial suggests?

My husband and I had every intention of doing our back to school shopping for our kids early. We let the kids pick out their backpack, lunch box and water bottle, and we get the rest of the school supplies asked for by the school.  When did it change from bringing your own supplies to bringing supplies for the class?  There is a simplicity to it that I miss from my youth, when you got a pencil box (with some ‘cool’ design’) that contained pencils, a ruler and other school supplies (erasers, glue, etc.). We didn’t bring in things we’re asked to bring in now: reams of printer paper, dry erase pens for the board, and glue sticks and folders by the dozen. I understand due to funding issues, parents bringing supplies is helpful, and I’m happy to contribute…I just wish there were an easier way.

Despite our hope of getting school supplies early, we didn’t make it to the local Target until a few days before school started. The scene when we arrived at the store reminded me of arriving at Target on Black Friday after everything had been picked over. There were several other parents, much like us, buzzing around the endless bins trying to find the allusive #2 pencils (is it possible for a store to be out of #2 pencils?), composition notebooks and several other items that seemed to be out-of-stock. It was like we were all on a treasure hunt, hoping the missing supplies would somehow materialize.

A couple of us were reading our lists out loud (Now, where could erase tops be? Have you seen any folders that have pockets by no fasteners?). When we heard each other, we all couldn’t help but chuckle. It all seemed so ridiculous. “Can’t we just give the school a check to get school supplies?” one person asked. “Or how about all the parents pool their money and someone go to Costco so we can buy in bulk?” another suggested. All good ideas, I thought. Most years most of the school supplies ends up making it to the teacher for the class’s use, but it never fails that some remains hidden deep inside my sons backpacks, only to be found at the end of the school year (so many glue sticks, and what are these expensive dry erase markers still doing in here??? Ugh!).

I find the whole experience leaves me feeling exhausted instead of energized for the new school year, but alas, it is what it is.  Next on the list, getting my sons new shoes…wish me luck (I’ve heard the shoe section looks like a tornado hit it. Yikes!).

How do you survive the trials and tribulations of getting your child ready for school?

Back to School — Okay with Not Being Popular

Posted on by

0

Being popular can cause people to do strange things. Largely not being themselves but trying to be what they think others will perceive as cool or popular.  

I’m looking at being popular quite differently this year. Instead of worrying about my kids feeling like they fit in (being most liked or not), I’m much more concerned with them feeling safe.

Are there any parents out there that are fearful of their child going to school and getting caught in random (or targeted) violence? We’ve seen what happened at Sandy Hook, we continue to hear news story after news story of innocent people being killed by people who had access to guns and felt entitled to use it as they see fit (not to defend, but for revenge). The most recent story being the horrifying work place killing of the news reporter and photo journalist this past week in Roanoke, VA.

I am tired to hearing these stories. It feel like it’s something I’m just supposed to accept. I don’t. I will never get used to these stories. I will never be okay with innocent people dying at the hands of someone who has a gun and uses it because they can.

I am tired of people having easy access to guns and using them in violent ways. Often stories can seem ‘far away’ and not something we have to deal with in our personal lives. I live in a place I would say is safe, yet we’ve had two events where multiple people died at the hands of ‘ordinary’ citizens in the past few years. You hear about people killing people in movie theaters, who would have ever thought that would happen?  Where does it end?

I am tired of having to deal with people who have guns who feel entitled to have them and brandish them anywhere they see fit (I was in a fast food restaurant not long ago and a gentleman came into the restaurant with a pistol tucked into the back of his jeans, it wasn’t in a holster and wasn’t secure. It was almost like he was asking someone to pick a fight with him, or call him out on having the gun, so he could use it. I tried not to panic, but had my kids with me, so we got our food and quickly exited the restaurant. What kind of society do we live in, where the person with the gun has more rights than the unarmed citizen?).

I am tired of being scared to speak out because there are those that are much more vocal than I that feel differently. I am not against people owning guns, but do feel people should have to demonstrate that they can operate them safely and in the right places if they want to own one.

And I’m tried of being quiet because I fear someone with a gun may want to silence me for speaking up.

My kids are what are helping me find my voice. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t say anything because I can’t bare the thought of them dying at the hands of someone who happens to have a gun, and feels compelled to use it against others; or that as a society we don’t figure out how to address this so our children don’t have to when they are adults — how much worse does it have to get before it gets better?

As the kids go back to school, I think about it being a new year, new opportunities, a new chance to teach our kids a different way. We have to model what that change is.

I know my position may not be popular, and I’m okay with it. Especially if it helps others find their voice. The more of us who feel this way and speak up, the better chance we have for change. Is there anyone else out there that is with me?

Talk to Me (or someone you trust)

Posted on by

0

Have you ever wondered what your child was thinking or feeling, and gotten frustrated when they weren’t able (or willing) to talk to you about it?

My oldest son is getting to the age where he is starting to hold back on what he shares with my husband and I. He is willing to ask questions and come to us when something is really on his mind, but struggles to talk to us (or his caregivers or teachers, etc.) when he is frustrated or upset. In these instances, his go-to strategy has been to express his frustration with a grunt and closed fists, or to simply walk away. While I appreciate him being aware enough that he knows he needs to calm himself done before responding, I yearn for him to talk to me (or my husband, or his caregiver, teacher, etc.) to tell us what is going on and why he is getting so frustrated, angry or upset. When he doesn’t or isn’t willing, I feel helpless to help him. It’s feels awful.

We enrolled our son in a camp that was recommended to us to help with these types of struggles. When I picked him up following a day of camp his counselor came over and shared that he refused to participate and talk to them during the day. We discussed how we could get him to open up. The camp, which is outdoors-focused, runs a MineCraft project for their participants. They set-up a project the kids can work on, and help them with their social interactions. My son heard about this and wanted to join. We saw an opportunity to help him get what he wanted (to ‘play’ MineCraft) while helping him open up and better express himself when frustrated or upset. “I’ll make you a deal. You tell your counselor what is bothering you tomorrow, and we’ll consider letting you play MineCraft,” I offered. “Okay,” my son quickly replied. The following day, he eagerly greeted me and said, “Mom, I told the counselor what was bothering me today!” He was excited about it (I’m sure his excitement was around the possibility of him playing MineCraft increasing, but I’ll take it).  I told him that I was glad to hear it, and I’d talk to the camp counselor about how to get him set-up to play with the other participants. My husband and I are not necessarily video game fans, but thought this was about as good as we could hope for as an introduction to the gaming world. As my son and I were leaving I reiterated why it was so important he not keep his thoughts and feelings to himself all the time. “We can’t help you if you don’t talk to us. We don’t know what you’re feeling or thinking. We can’t read your mind. But we can help you when you are willing to tell us. Make sense?” “Okay, Mom. I’ve got it.” We’ll see if this works, but it feels like we’re heading on the right path. I’m feeling a little less helpless.

How have you gotten your child to talk to you when they were reluctant to do so?

Cooling Off

Posted on by

0

How do you keep cool on hot summer days? Do you have memories of swimming, using a Slip n’ Slide or running through the sprinkler?

I was on a business trip after a long day and was looking forward to changing clothes and going for a walk. It had been a long day, it was hot, I’d been in a small, hot car for too long and was ready to de-stress. It was late enough that the intensity of the day’s heat was gone and it was starting, ever so slightly, to cool down. I was on the 5th floor of a six-floor hotel. When I got into the elevator I joined a Dad with his two sons, about the same age as my own kids. As kids will do, they were talking about how excited they were for the pool, and how annoyed they were that my arrival (really the elevator having to stop) really bummed them out–they had a pool to get to. “How come the pool isn’t on the roof?” one of the boys asked. We all kind of looked at each other like we were thinking the same thing….that’s actually a pretty good idea, kid. Before you knew it, we were headed down, but were stopped again on the 2nd floor. This time, a young woman joined us with her cellphone next to her ear. As soon as the doors closed, one of the boys looked at his father and said, “How come people on the second floor don’t take the stairs?” I couldn’t help but smile. My boys would totally have said the same thing. The woman took it in stride, took the phone away from her ear and said, “Well, my goodness, I’m so sorry.” And the dad attempted to apologize for this son’s remark. The doors opened again, and the kids bounded out towards the pool, leaving us, their comments and their cares behind.

I couldn’t stop smiling. I no longer felt the heat of the day, or the stress that I had felt only a few floors earlier. I relished in the simplicity of kids, their honesty and forwardness. I thought about my own kids, and how similar they were to these boys. They reminded me that sometimes you can get annoyed or delayed (much like the boys were in the elevator), but getting to where you want to go can help you leave your cares behind. I decided I would follow suit, and leave behind my cares once I stepped out of the hotel, it made for a much more pleasant walk–I was calm, and I was cool.

When has your child’s honesty gotten you to rethink a hot situation?

What, no TV?

Posted on by

0

It’s summertime, and our kids have more free time on their hands. They are in camps during the week, but when they are not at camp all they want to do is watch TV.

When I was a kid, I wanted to watch TV 24×7 if my parents would allow it. I can remember one particular summer my mom told me that my sisters and I that our TV time would be limited to three hours a day. Three hours a day, that’s outrageous! There’s so much we’ll be missing! I thought. I can remember discussing this decision with my neighbor friend whose mom was trying something similar with he and his sister. “It’s not fair,” we both agreed. I can’t recall how closely the TV time was held to, but do recall we were prompted to play outside more, and it was okay to be bored.

With my own kids, my husband and I were noticing a trend…if allowed, our sons would watch TV 24×7. The TV seemed to be on any time we were inside the house. It was becoming a problem. While I hated the idea of restricting my kids TV time to three hours (because I could remember how much I hated it as a kid), I knew it was what we were ultimately going to have to do.

My husband and I sat down our kids and talked to them about limiting their TV time. Our conversation was met with “What?” “That’s not fair!” “You’re so mean!” “We’re going to be so bored!” This was expected, but still not easy to hear. “Guys, we’re not doing you any favors by letting you sit around and watch TV all the time, there is too much life to live, and you’re not living it if you sitting on a couch.” My sons may not have liked our message, but they understood it. “What are we going to do to pass the time?” my son asked. “You’ll have to figure that out. You can ride your bike, play out in the backyard, create something with your Lego, there’s all sorts of things you can do, it’s really up to you.”

We started our new schedule, and it was hard for everyone. It took some getting used to. It’s still taking some getting used to, but what I found was when my husband and I were firm with what would be allowed (e.g. if you watch three hours of TV first thing in the morning, that’s it.) we saw that our boys could adjust…it might be done begrudgingly, but they could do it.

I’ve seen them be more creative with their time since we implemented the change. There have been days when the three hours have been exceeded, but it’s been the exception. With summer vacation here, our timing feels right — there is so much to do, explore and see, it would be a shame if it were mostly spent inside.

Have you ever had to limit screen time? What worked for you? What helped your child make the adjustment?

Happy Fourth! I’ll be taking time off with the family and will be back following.

Counting on a Few Good (Dads) Men

Posted on by

1

Have you ever struggled to find an appropriate Father’s Day card for your Dad?  I have. There seem to be two varieties that exist: cards that imply Dad needs time away golfing, fishing or BBQ’ing; or Dad can’t control his bodily functions and loves the TV remote more than anything else. There is a third variety and it’s the sentimental kind. I usually gravitate towards these, because the other two don’t seem to fit.

My parents celebrated a milestone anniversary this year, and I was fortunate enough to be in attendance. They had most of their original wedding party and friends from high school attend. It was a joy to see so many people who loved my parents and had such fond memories of them.

After the celebration there was an informal reception, where the guests came together and we shared food and stories. I got to hear new stories of them growing up. I learned a lot about my dad that afternoon. He loved to fish–he used to do it almost everyday in the summer with his high school buddies growing up (I had no idea, the only time I saw my dad fish growing up was when he took my sisters and I out to a local lake a handful of times); and he used to be a bit more ‘wild’ than I would have ever guessed. The person I knew was my dad–a man who has always been intentional in his parenting, and actions. As a father, he was more serious than fun (I never saw him do anything even remotely wild), but loving and giving of his time with my sisters and I. I never got the feeling from my dad that he needed (or yearned) for time away from us–though he certainly could have. He was always present. He would push us to be our best, and coach, support, encourage and praise us along the way. He was (and still is) a great dad.

This year I found a card that made me smile. It said, “Dad in Chief” and had a fancy patch that looked similar to a presidential seal with an eagle and stars (the eagle is holding a small remote control in one talon, and spatula in the other, but oh well). My dad is tops in my book. He continues to be a great model of what being a dad is all about. My husband is the same with our sons. He’s present, he’s invested, he cares, and it shows. I love him dearly for it.

I feel very fortunate to have such good men in my life.

How are you honoring your dad today? How are you being the parent you want to be for your child?

Happy Father’s Day!

When I Grow Up I Want to Be…

Posted on by

3

Did you know what you wanted your profession to be when you were a kid?  When did you figure it out or are you (like me and) still trying to?

My son was sharing a fictional story one of his friends had shared. The main character was Bill Gates, but not like we know him. In this story, there was a war and Bill Gates was ridding the world of bad people and getting paid money to do so. In a time when super heroes, and good guys and bad guys run rampant, these kind of stories don’t shock me like they used to. I asked my son if he knew who Bill Gates was. He said, “Sorta?” with an uplift in tone that indicated he clearly did not. I explained that Bill Gates did make a lot of money, but it wasn’t from getting rid of bad people, it was from inventing (along with many others) the personal computer. He happened to have a passion for learning about computers, and was visionary in how people could use them. I continued that while he had made a lot of money, he had started a foundation that was focused on giving most of his money away to help others through education and healthcare; and that he was so passionate about this work, that he was encouraging other wealthy people to do the same thing (give their money away towards helping others).

My son was curious about a man making so much money, and instead of spending it all or giving it to his children, he would give it away. “Well, you can’t take it with you when you die. And the money would be more than his kids would ever need,” I explained. I decided to explore with both my sons what they were interested in doing when they grew up. My oldest quickly chimed in that he wanted to build a robot–like Iron Man, or Baemax from Big Hero 6, but for real, not pretend. Or maybe he’d create a new Pokémon card. You could see his creative wheels turning. My youngest chimed in. “I want to do construction. Maybe build things. Or maybe paint cars.” I reiterated that they could do whatever they wanted to do when they got older…the only one that would prevent them from doing it was them. I noticed my oldest looked a bit concerned. “But I don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up.” He was clearly upset at knowing for certain what he would be when he grew up, “What am I going to do?” I was not expecting him to feel this pressure to know what he wanted to do. I certainly had some ideas when I was his age, but that was all they were ideas, or fantasies. I reminded both boys that my husband’s and my job is to teach them things, including exposing them to new things and encouraging them to try them so they can know if it’s something that is a passion or interest for them, “Without trying, you’ll never know,and that no one expects you to know what you want to be or do at such a young age,” I finished. That seemed to suffice for my boys and we went on to talk of other things.

Life is precious, and goes by so quickly. What would the world be like if we all followed our passion? Pretty good, right?  When you are enthusiastic about something it’s natural to want to share it with others. While not everyone has money to share, everyone has the ability to share what they are passionate about.

How are you helping your child find what they are passionate about? How are you helping them figure out what they want to be when they grow up?

Our Town?

Posted on by

0

Have you experienced a moment where your child made you rethink or appreciate life a little more after seeing it through their eyes?

My husband and I went to pick my son up from a lesson. He finished his lesson early and had free time prior to our arrival, and had decided to build a town with multi-colored triangular blocks. Some buildings were tall and round. Others were short and flat. One stood out. It was encased in a plastic holder that lifted it off the ground a few inches. I asked my son to explain all the things in his town. He pointed to the tall and round buildings. “This is a movie theater and this is a grocery store.” He moved over to the short and flat buildings. “This is where the poor people live.” And then he moved to the building that was on the plastic base off the ground. “This is where the rich people live.” I asked him what made the rich people live off the ground vs. the poor people. He replied, “The rich people have a force field around them to keep the poor people out.” He paused, probably because my mouth had dropped open in disbelief at his sage observation. “You know, so people can’t get their stuff. They really don’t like people to get their stuff.” I asked, “And where do we live?” He pointed back over to the poor section. “We’re over here. This is the poor to medium section. We live in the medium section house.” “Okay,” I said, “Where do you want to live?” He said, without hesitation, “Over here.” He pointed to the same poor-medium section but one house over. “I would be close to the movie theater and grocery store, and, I’d be close to you.” It made me smile, but also made me think. How would I have answered the same questions when I was his age? Did I have the same awareness of the ‘have’s’ and the ‘have-not’s’ back then? Where did he get this insight from? He seemed wise beyond his years.

The conversation made my husband and I realize that once again our children are noticing things–even things we think they shouldn’t until they are much older. We were reminded that when we’re fortunate enough to have our kids share their insights with us, it’s an opportunity for us to teach them (explain our take on the situation, or how others might think); and get their ideas for what can be done to make things better. I always learn when my children share their ideas–either about them (how they think, what’s important to them, etc.) or from them (sometimes their simple yet smart ideas come are way better than anything I (or I dare say most adults) could come up with). I see things in a new, fresh way.

What have you learned from, or about, your child from their observations?

The Gift of Friendship

Posted on by

0

How is your oldest and dearest friend? What drew you to them when you met? What has kept you friends all these years?

My youngest son is a very friendly kid–he can talk to people easily and engage in new situations without being prompted. He loves to laugh, and be silly. He struggles though, with making friends. He’s likable enough, and people want to be around him, he just struggles to do simple things like: introducing himself (he can play with someone for hours, walk away and we can ask, “Who’s your new friend?” and he’ll reply, “I don’t know.” “Did you ask him his name?,” we’ll continue, and he’ll share, “No, I didn’t think about it.”); or engaging in other’s interests–he is happy to have people engage with him if it’s something he’s interested in, but when it’s not–he’s not as willing. We’re working with him, along with his teachers and others, to help him develop these social skills.

He shared some frustration in lacking strong connection with his peers–even though he’s only seven years old. “I don’t have any friends, and I’m not going to.” When I asked, “What are you talking about?”, he replied, “I haven’t gotten invited to a birthday party in a long time.” He was measuring his friendships by the number of birthday parties he was invited to–I probably did the same thing when I was his age. And while he doesn’t yet understand that friendship is more than getting invited to a birthday party, it still broke my heart when he said this–one, because I could see the pain in his face; and two, I knew he was experiencing self-doubt and feeling hopeless that his situation would never change. We talked about friendship, what goes into being a good friend to someone and how it happens over time. My husband and I shared our own experiences with him and friendships, how some come and go, and some stay when you work on them. Those friendships are gifts that keep on giving. They are the relationships you ultimately want to develop and cultivate. We encouraged him and said his efforts to make lasting friendships would pay off.

Without any intervention or action on my husband’s or my part, within days of this conversation with our son, a flurry of birthday invitations arrived for him. It was almost like the cosmos or God heard our plea and responded in kind (and then some). He ended up getting invited to three birthday parties being held over the same weekend. He was ecstatic. What a wonderful gift those birthday invitations were for him. His demeanor changed, and hope for making meaningful connections with others returned. As a parent, you couldn’t help but share in his joy.

What gifts of friendship have you received or shared with others? How is your child experiencing friendship?