Category Archives: No Regrets

What’s Luck Got to Do with It? One Woman Trying to Have it All.

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It’s an age-old question: can women have it all? How do you juggle all of your various roles—being a wife, mother, working woman—and take care of yourself? Is it even possible? I know I want it all and I know what that means for me. I want to have a fulfilling job that allows me to work hard, but not work 24/7 and I want to spend quality time with my children and my spouse on a daily basis while still finding time to take care of myself along the way. I think what I want is possible, but it takes a lot of hard work, a little bit of luck and a  willingness to set boundaries.

First: the hard work.  I don’t know that I appreciated how hard it is to be a woman until I got married. As a woman working outside the home, the difficulty only increased once I had children.  Working full-time, keeping up the house, cooking, taking care of the children, maintaining a loving relationship with my husband, making time for friends and squeezing in time for me adds up to a pretty full plate. It became clear to me early on that the biggest question I would need to answer was what am I willing to sacrifice? There certainly wasn’t an easy answer.  After I took my first job in management many years ago, I worked insane hours; my blood pressure shot through the roof and my adrenaline was always going because I felt like my hair was on fire—not very healthy. I knew even at the time that it was a bad situation but I didn’t know how to change it. My husband and I were only dating then and there were no children in the picture yet, so this was as good a time as any to learn from this experience.  After a year of that hectic lifestyle, I was able to move into a less stressful position, which gave me time to reflect and I decided that I needed to get some clarity on what I was willing to sacrifice for work. I determined that I would work my hardest (as I’ve always done) when I was at work, and do my best not to bring it home. This wasn’t an easy task, but with practice I find I’ve gotten the hang of compartmentalizing . Does that mean I don’t want to do a good job or that I don’t get nervous on occasion, say before an important presentation to a high level executive? No, but I’ve worked to make the necessary adjustments to my work life. In my twenties I really enjoyed traveling for work—it was an adventure and made me feel important. The luster of travel has long since worn off, which happens for most of us once we’ve been doing it for a while. I don’t mind traveling when I believe my presence is really necessary, but make it a point not to travel for travel’s sake. I’d rather spend time with my husband and kids.

Second: a little bit of luck.

Luck is defined by Merriam-Webster as:

1. noun:

a : a force that brings good fortune or adversity

b : the events or circumstances that operate for or against an individual

2. verb: favoring chance; also : success

 

Lucky is defined as: happening by chance

I’ve never understood why luck and success are seen by some as synonymous. I know a lot of successful people who have gotten where they are because of hard work, and their willingness to learn from others, take advantage of opportunities, and take risks. This doesn’t seem very happenstance to me but certainly a little luck goes a long way in making it all come together. For instance, if you’re lucky enough to want to work in a profession that allows you to have a lot flexibility, that will likely make balancing work and family life a lot easier than if you are say, an emergency room doctor. Of course, most of our work lives are somewhere on the spectrum.

Which leads us to my final point about boundaries. A girlfriend and I were talking about work recently and I was sharing with her how hard I’ve been trying to maintain my boundaries by not working after normal business hours unless it’s necessary, making sure I’m taking time to be fully present with my husband and children, and trying to make time to take care of myself. She was very encouraging and mentioned a book she had recently read called Weird by Craig Groeschel. The book tells the reader to break from the norm of being overworked, stressed and exhausted and create boundaries to live a more fulfilling life. After briefly telling me about the book she said, “What you’re doing is weird, and that’s a good thing.”

I’m not sure I’ve ever been wanted to be called weird before, but I’ll take it, because I do want it all and don’t care how I get it—luck, hard work or both.  My family is worth it and so am I.

Emerging Victorious

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I recently had my first book published. Many friends have been very encouraging by telling me how proud they are of me. While I am grateful for their praise and support, the reality hasn’t really sunk in yet.  I keep asking myself the question, why don’t I feel proud?

When I was younger, I swam on our neighborhood swim team. The team practiced every weekday morning throughout the summer. I loved swimming. I loved practicing with kids my own age and learning from the older ones. There was always an opportunity to push myself to be better. I loved competing at the swim meets where I could demonstrate the progress I’d made and bask in the glow of a hard-earned success.  Any time I swam my hardest and won an event I felt deep feeling of accomplishment. It made me feel proud and reinforced the notion that all my hard work would pay off. Like many burgeoning young athlete, my early success in the pool lead to a childhood dream of competing in the Olympics. I could truly visualize myself swimming the vigorous lengths and emerging victorious, making my country proud.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve struggled with feeling such genuine pride in myself. I’m still very good at pushing myself to achieve my goals, but I often don’t allow myself to truly acknowledge my accomplishments. There have been some notable exceptions. Moving cross-country for a job when I was in my 20s made me feel proud.  Traveling alone overseas for a few weeks in my early 30s made me feel proud. Speaking to parenting groups about what I’ve learned along the way made me feel proud. The common thread between these accomplishments was that I took a risk needing to know if I could do it. I knew if I didn’t try I would regret it.  It made taking the risk greater and the reward taken from the accomplishment more satisfying. Yet, though I’ve written and had my first book published, which I never predicted or dreamt I would do, and the risk is quite possibly the greatest I’ve ever taken, the feeling of accomplishment hasn’t come, at least not yet.

Maybe it’s because this is a new beginning for me. It’s the first step toward the life I want to live, one in which I am more creative and able to push myself in more satisfying ways. Not just the life I’m feel I’m supposed to live—the one I accepted as a young adult that may or may not align with my true passion or calling. How many of us truly pursue our dreams as adults? It’s scary and overwhelming to go after what we really want–especially with a family to support–but what do we miss out on if we don’t push ourselves to try? Or perhaps it doesn’t fall into the category of something I needed to do and I wouldn’t have felt regret it if I hadn’t done it.

Maybe down the road, I will look back and feel proud that I was brave enough to take the first step and push myself to accomplish something I didn’t even know was possible.  Maybe in the moment, I’m still feeling to vulnerable and nervous about the huge step I’m taking.

My dream of becoming an Olympic swimmer didn’t become a reality for a variety of reasons that were out of my control. As an adult I returned to my favorite sport when I joined a Masters league (a competitive swimming league for adults). With a lifetime of perspective between myself and my childhood ambition, I realized the reality that I’d never had the necessary leg strength needed to be an elite swimmer. I still love the sport and it comforts me to know that I avoided losing my entire childhood over a goal that wasn’t meant to be.

Writing feels like something that is much more in my control; fortunately there are no age limits or strength requirements. I decide what comes next on this journey for what comes next, another book or something else and determine how hard I need to push myself beyond this. I’m looking forward to what comes next and while I don’t know what the future holds; I do know that pushing myself to live the life I want to live helps me visualize myself emerging victorious.

 

Game on!

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I love receiving holiday cards, especially the ones that contain letters telling me what my friends and their family members have been up to. Reading these helps me feel connected to people I don’t get to see often. We recently received a card from some friends who live overseas; it was wonderful to see the pictures of all the interesting things they had been up to and I enjoyed reading all about their adventures. My husband had read the card before I did and when I was finished reading it he said, “Did you see what their kids can do? They can read and write in a foreign language, and ski!” This chaffed a bit considering that the children in question are a little younger than our own.

I admit that for a brief moment, there was some jealousy on my part. Our oldest is in kindergarten just starting to learn to read and while he’s had some exposure to Spanish, I wouldn’t claim he’s anywhere near fluent. We did take our children for ski lessons last year, but they’re nowhere near as accomplished as our friends’ children in this regard.

I told my husband, “If we lived overseas as our friends do, our children would probably know how to speak, and possibly read and write in a foreign language. And if we skied all the time like our friends do, our kids would probably be pretty good skiers as well.” He agreed and we moved past this fleeting moment of parental envy.

Later as I was reflecting on our discussion, I was reminded of a key point in my book, Ten Simple Tools for No Regrets Parenting, namely that parenting is not a competition.

Our boys are at the age where winning suddenly becomes very important and everything is a competition: who can get make their bed first, who gets their shoes on first, who gets dressed first. What they win in these little contests is arbitrary; the winning itself is what’s important. My husband and I discourage this ceaseless competition and are working hard to change their thinking and help them find healthy outlets for the impulse. We remind our kids that they shouldn’t feel constantly pitted against each other as brothers; that they should be cheering each other on. I think that’s a good lesson for us as parents as well.  So next year when the holiday cards start arriving, I look forward to hearing all of the wonderful things my friends are up to and cheering them on.

Where did my vacation go?

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Last week was the first week of the new year and I am already exhausted! How is that possible? I decided to take the last two weeks of 2011 off from both my day job and my writing work. On the one hand, I felt I had earned a break. On the other hand, I felt incredibly selfish. I’m trying to launch a book and reach my audience, I thought I don’t have time for a break! Never mind that I work a full-time job, am raising two kids, have a spouse and home to take care of. Sounds crazy, right? And yet, I would guess that many of us have struggled with guilt over taking time to rest and rejuvenate.

It became apparent to me that if I was going to enjoy my vacation at all, I was going to have to get over my guilt with taking it in the first place.

My first few days off felt great. I enjoyed guilty pleasures like Kathie Lee and Hoda on the fourth hour of the Today Show, catching The Ellen Show in the afternoon and taking long walks outside by myself–ah, what luxuries! But after a couple of days of this, my sense of I’ve got a lot to do, why am I wasting all this time? started creeping back in. I finally broke on day three when my compulsion to be productive became almost overwhelming. I’m not good at being still, at doing nothing so I let myself do just a little work. I have to admit, I was concerned that I would slip back into full work-mode, but I was able to keep that impulse under control after checking a few things off of my to-do list.

As January 3rd (the official end of my vacation) approached, an impending sense of dread set in about how fast-paced my life was going to once again become. My life had just started to feel like it was slowing down momentarily and now I was going to pick right back up where I left off? Not fair! Sure enough, I jumped right back into the chaos once Tuesday came. When I shut the computer off late that night, it felt like my vacation was a distant memory. On Wednesday morning, while I was at the gym, I reflected on my time off and the enormous amount of work ahead of me and thought, something’s gotta give. I made a quick inventory of my competing priorities: family, day job, writing/book, house upkeep, exercise, sleep. I tried to figure out where I could invest less time. I immediately eliminated family from the chopping block; I’m all about living a life without regrets, and I’d have some MAJOR regrets if I wasn’t giving my full self and attention to my relationship with my husband and children. Next I eliminated Day Job since I obviously need to make a living and I enjoy what I do. I also eliminated Writing/Book; writing is the way I express my creativity and my passion for helping others, it’s something that gives me energy and helps me feel fulfilled. Next on the list was House Upkeep– I can’t lie, I already don’t keep house the way I was brought up or would like to, so doing less in this area is not really an option. Following that on my list was exercise.  While some may jump at the chance for an excuse not to work out, exercise is something I can’t do without. It’s my ‘me’ time–a chance to be by myself, read on the elliptical trainer and burn off some steam. This all leads us to the last item on the list: Sleep. For a split second I almost convinced myself that sleeping less was the answer. As you may have guessed, I ended up having to cross that one off too. No one does well without a good night’s sleep. I need a solid 7-8 hours; I know some people can do well on much less, but not me.

Rest is something we all so desperately need each and every day. Not just restful sleep at night, but the ability to recharge and reenergize ourselves throughout the week during daylight hours.

I came to the conclusion that I have to redo my something’s gotta give list. I’m trying to figure out what areas exist that may give me more room to breath, and rest. My husband and I could be better at balancing all of the kid’s activities and household responsibilities we are juggling. Investing more in pre-prepared meals and a cleaning service is sounding more and more attractive. I’m aware that I need to find time for myself, accept that that’s best for me and my family and lose the guilt–just like I had to do to enjoy my vacation.

A fascinating read on re-energizing that I came across a few years ago is The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz. I’m going to start rereading it soon. When? On the elliptical of course. That’s the only time I’ve got. For now.

The Truth About Santa

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When I was seven years old, I found out the truth about Santa. My Mom sat me down at the dinner table and read an article to me that revealed that Santa–the one I had believed in, got so excited for, and couldn’t wait until Christmas Eve to see–wasn’t real. I can remember crying at the table for a long time afterwards. At first, I was very disappointed to learn the truth. Santa had been a magical part of the holiday; I believed that he loved all children and delivered presents to everyone. Santa made me feel special: he knew who I was, he made sure I behaved and rewarded me with toys picked out or made especially for me. After realizing that Santa and several other mythical characters I’d grown to love (the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy) didn’t exist, I started to get mad! My parents had lied to me. And though they’d done it with good intentions–perhaps to let me believe in magic or something special–I felt like a fool. Who else knew that Santa wasn’t real? My older sister must have known the truth. I felt like everyone in the world must have thought that I was a stupid kid for walking around getting all excited about Santa and believing he was real. I felt very betrayed. The kicker came when my parents asked me to keep the secret from my younger sister so that she could enjoy the magic of Santa for another year or two before learning the truth. My first reaction was ‘you’ve got to be kidding me, I’ve just discovered the truth and you want me to keep it a secret–it’s a BIG secret!’ It was a pretty tall order for a seven year old, especially one that was still sad, disappointed and angry with her parents.

I think about this childhood revelation each year as we get closer to Christmas, and I’ve come to better understand the struggle my parents faced. While you want your child to experience the magic of Santa when they’re young, you know there will be the great disappointment of learning the truth down the road. I know we have precious few years left before my children start to question the existence of Santa so my husband and I try not to make too big a deal about the whole thing. When our kids ask questions like ‘Where does Santa get all the toys?’ or ‘How does Santa know where we live?’ We simply turn the question back to them: ‘Where do you think Santa gets all his toys?’, ‘How do you think he knows where we live?’ They come up with some pretty clever answers: ‘He probably get his toys from the store’, ‘Yes, you’re probably right,’ we reply. ‘He must have a phone book so he knows where we live’, ‘That could be,’ we answer. I feel like I’m constantly walking a very thin line by trying to maintain a thread of truth in how I respond. It is so important for my husband and me to be truthful with our kids, and sometimes the line between lying and storytelling is a precarious one. I want the foundation we are building with our children to be one of trust and sometimes I feel the Santa story could put that in jeopardy if they discover the truth in the wrong way.

I want my children to know they can trust me and that I won’t ever deliberately cause them any pain or deceive them. But at the same time, I think there is great benefit in children believing that someone completely outside of their family believes in them and loves them for exactly who they are, be it Santa or some other higher power. I am bracing myself for the day they ask me to come clean about Santa, but I’m also preparing myself for it too. I’ll tell them the truth, share what we struggled with in deciding whether or not to tell them and let them feel whatever they need to feel, be it understanding, anger, disappointment, sadness or anything else.

I never did tell my younger sister about Santa. If I remember correctly, she learned the truth from some neighborhood kids not too long after the Christmas I found out. She was spared the ‘story at the table’ and while she might not appreciate that, knowing that she didn’t connect the experience with the let down of the news coming from my parents, I do. While the experience that I had in being read the story was painful, my mom had told me the truth and believed I was at an age where I could handle it–she thought she was doing me a favor by telling me before the neighborhood kids had a chance to. Upon reflection, I wish she had just acknowledged why she allowed me to believe in Santa in the first place, what she hoped I would gain from believing and why she told me the truth when she did; I wish she had acknowledged that this was hard news to accept and that it was okay to be upset.

How do you talk to your child about Santa? Have you discussed a plan to reveal the truth when you feel they’re ready to hear it? While I still haven’t figured out all of the details of this yet, I know that I want to make sure my children understand that while there might not be a Santa, the love and magic of Christmas still exists in the friends and family who love them just the way they are.

 

Grateful parent giving thanks!

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I sometimes catch myself still not believing that I have two children–how in the world did that happen?  And they are grow so quickly!

When I first became a parent grateful is not a word that came into my thoughts very often. Thoughts about how difficult raising a child was and all the things I had to learn did.  I knew that I should be overjoyed, celebrating and being thankful, but I wasn’t.  I felt selfish and wondered if there was something deficit in me.

As I started to get the hang of parenting and my parenting abilities, I noticed that the word grateful did start to come into my thoughts and became something I actually felt.  We recently celebrated our boys birthdays and I told my husband after the party “Raising the kids has been so hard, but so awesome.” Parenting is hard, but it has also been so rewarding raising them–watching them grown and learn, and becoming their own person.  I feel like my husband and I have only scratched the surface in all the things we want to teach them. I’m thankful for what we’ve been able to accomplish so far and am looking forward to what comes next.

I am so very grateful.  For the opportunity to have and raise children, for my family and friends who supported and encouraged us along the way, and for my children–for them allowing me to be on this journey with them.

As we enter the holiday season and begin to reflect, when asked “What are you most grateful for as a parent?” what would you say?

What do I want my parenting journey to look like?

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When I was a new parent there were three sentences that were constantly running through my head:

  1. How am I going to do this?
  2. What comes next?
  3. Is there anything else I should be doing that I’m not?

While I wasn’t always 100% confident in my abilities initially, I knew I could figure out the answers to #1 and #2.  #3 felt like a question I’d never be able to correctly answer. With each question, it helped me to inspect each one a little more carefully and try to figure out what the anxiety was behind each.

How am I going to do this? This took me mustering up the courage and using common sense for the most part. The question tended to pop-up when I hadn’t done something before, like taking the baby to the store for the first time–how am I going to get them in and out of the car, how am I going to get through the store–will the baby be in the cart or stroller, etc.?  After attempting a task and starting to realize I could do each of these things, it made it much easier when I confronted a new task. The most anxiety I’ve had in recent years is taking my son to kindergarten–physically very easy to do, mentally very hard–letting him go be in a school with “big” kids, realizing I can no longer protect him like I was previously able to–scary!  But I did it, and I know I can do whatever new is coming next.

What should I do next? This question started when I first realized there were phases to parenting and that I had little to no control over them and never knew when one phase would be starting or stopping and when I was actually in the middle of transitioning to another. Examples included when will my child sleep through the night to when will they be able to feed themselves to will my child ever not have a cold for longer than 2 weeks, etc. What I figured out was while each phase it out of my control, they are all indeed temporary.  This really helps me when my children are going through a phase I’m not crazy about–the saying “no-to-everything” phase (which was accompanied by tantrums, hitting and throwing), because I know eventually grow out of it. Some of the temporary phases, I’m not looking forward to growing past–the cuddling, hugs in public and the “I love you’s”. I’m trying to treasure every second of every phase good or bad.

Is there anything else I should be doing that I’m not?  This was the question that made me most anxious. I want my children to have every opportunity to thrive which caused a constant list of thoughts to run through my mind–should I be reading to them more? are they getting enough time outside? are they enrolled in enough activities?  are they the right activities? are they signed up for to many activities? am I doing everything needed to make sure my child gets into Harvard (okay, any college!)? You can see why I might feel anxious, any parent would.

When my children were young, products that promoted helping raise a baby’s intelligence were very popular.  I struggled with whether or not I should be committing my money to purchase these products and spending time exposing them to my children.  One example that comes to mind was a set of DVDs that promoted the learning of the alphabet and numbers, which sounded like a good thing, but they were DVDs, and everything I’d read said to limit TV time.  Now, I’m not a parent who was or is gung-ho on no TV, but the fact that the products were being marketed to me and my parenting peers as educational–good for our small children–was puzzling.  Would my child be behind if they didn’t watch the videos? Would I be doing them harm by letting them watch the videos (everything I’d heard and read had mentioned minimal TV time for kids)? It was very confusing, until I reflected on my own upbringing.  We didn’t have DVD players–a show came on once a week at a certain time, and if you weren’t there to see it live, you weren’t going to see it period.  I started to relax when I realized that and the fact that I, along with pretty much everyone else who grew up prior to VCRs and DVD players, all turned out okay.

Questioning your parenting skills is common. I have yet to meet a parent that feels they have 100% confidence in their abililites or even in what they are doing–be it how they are teaching their children, what they are or aren’t exposing them to, how they are disciplining them, or what else they should be doing.

In regards to the question, “Is there anything I should be doing that I’m not?”, have you applied this to yourself in how you parent?  Have you ever stopped to think what you want your parenting journey to look or be like?  When you first became a parent did you know what you things you want to teach your child–morals, values and beliefs?  Anything you know you don’t want to pass on from your own upbringing?  Do you have time to sit and think about how things are going–what’s going well that you want to continue? Or what you think needs to be added, changed or stopped altogether (like to have your child watching those educational videos or not)?

Give yourself permission to take control of your parenting journey.  Your opportunity to make you parenting journey your own is finite–your kids will be leaving the house before you know it.  Make time to reflect, be proactive and in control–start to figure out what else you should  be doing that you’re not–and no longer fear it.

When and how do you make time to think about your parenting journey?  What changes will you make to get your parenting journey where you want it to be?

Energy Wanted

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What fills your soul/gives you energy?

I love asking this question when I do speaking engagements, it’s normally a question my audiences haven’t heard or thought of before.  I can’t take credit for the saying as someone posed the question to me many years ago, but it was very thought provoking.  There are many things that we do in our life out of necessity or because we think it is the right thing to do.  Think about what you do in your daily life, your list might look something like this:

  • Take care of family –fix meals, get kids to/from school, get kids to/from activities, get kids up/put kids to bed
  • Make money – go to job(s)
  • Volunteer/Serve on committees–support and participate in activities for a school, your church, community, etc
  • Take care of the house—clean, pay bills, scheduled or perform maintenance duties (cleaning/replacing/fixing), yardwork
  • Down time—reading, watching TV, exercising
  • Sleep

Where on this list is something that gives you energy?  Or better yet what fills your soul?  A lot of these activities take energy from you, it doesn’t give it back. It’s up to each of us to figure out how to get the charge we need.  If you are always giving energy out and not taking it back in, you’re less likely to be your best self and less likely to give your full self, because your desperate for the recharge you may not realize you need.

We do a lot of things because we have to: work, for example, we have to have money coming in to pay the bills and keep food on the table. We
also do things that we think we should: serve on committees, for example, because it seems like the right thing to do.

I was guilty of giving my energy away pretty freely until it became obvious that I wasn’t doing myself any favors. I was miserable most of the time and craved down time—time where I could tune out.  I was encouraged to seek quiet time and not down time to really figure out what I was missing.  Do you know what the difference is between down time and quiet time?

Down time—tuning out. Reading, watching TV, surfing the Internet. Any activity that doesn’t require you to think.

Quite time-tuning in. Allowing yourself to listen to what is going on inside. Recommended in a quiet environment, when your child is sleeping and you have no other obligations to meet (spouse, work or otherwise).

I had mastered down time early in time, quiet time was a new concept for me. Some people make daily time for quiet time through meditation
or yoga. I found quiet time came more easily for me if I just went outside on my back porch by myself when my child was napping. During the quiet times I would ask myself, “what do you need?” and “what are you missing?” It wasn’t easy at first, sometimes my mind would wonder back to the duties at hand, but after practicing at focusing on the questions, it would come to me.  I started to better understand what I was lacking and what I needed. I was starting to figure out what “feeds my soul.”

I started to reflect on where I was spending my time and what I needed to remove from my plate. Committees were one area that begged, “why am I doing this?”  I served out my terms on the various committees and politely stated I wouldn’t be able to serve on any future ones (at least for the foreseeable future). I also started to realize what I craved: community with my girlfriends, something that had waned since having children; pursuing outside interests from my daily job; connecting and communicating with my husband—discussing anything other than the kids, work or house.  These activities fill my soul and give me energy.  This is a dynamic list for me, so I know it will grow and morph as I continue to ask myself these questions “what do I need?” and “what am I missing?”

During a recent speaking engagement I was asking my audience how they were taking care of themselves. A couple of folks had gotten some time away from the baby—all of their children were very young, so that made sense—in the form of doing something they enjoyed earlier, like playing a sport, having dinner, or watching a movie.  One man in the group shared that he had taken back up with the soccer league he had been in earlier.  He said while he really enjoyed it, he felt guilty.  You could see the look on his wife’s face—I had given my husband that face before, it was the look of “of course, I’m going to let you go play soccer, because I want to be supportive of you, but can’t you see I’m dying over here and desperately want you to give me a break?” I think many of us have been there. I encouraged the group to look at what was shared.  The husband enjoyed playing soccer, and there were probably a couple of reasons why: it provided an opportunity for him to exert physical energy, it provided an opportunity for him to have community (play with friends) and it may have provided him a break (be it from the baby, work, etc). Who can fault anyone for wanting to do any of those things, they all sound pretty healthy and needed to me.  In fact, it sounds like a lot of these things could and should give him energy.  On the flip side, the wife needs to listen to her own cues. Many women struggle with feeling they might appear selfish if they try to get their needs met. In my opinion, there is nothing selfish about it.  It might be hard to figure out what you need, but it ultimately ends up being good for everyone—you, partner and child.

Don’t underestimate the need for balance. Just because soccer, or whatever the activity may be, gives someone energy doesn’t mean that they need to play multiple times a week at the expense of their partner’s well being. Negotiation will be key. Find a balance that allows both of you to get the charge you need.

Find time to answer the questions: “what do I need?” and “what am I missing?” Share with your partner what you uncover.

Do you have any creative ways you’ve found quiet time? How are your reenergizing yourself?

Is proactive parenting possible?

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When my first child was born I had a wide range of reactions–the main one being WHAT JUST HAPPENED? You prepare to have this little person join you for nine months and it doesn’t matter how much you read or mentally try to prepare yourself, once they arrive you still aren’t fully ready for the reality of it.

The next thing that happened to me, and I think happens to most, is what I like to call the vortex–you get sucked into a tornado of chaos that is parenting.  It creeps up on you without you even knowing it. You think your life hasn’t changed, except it has, at least a little right?  Your once spotless house looks like someone ranacked it. You’re wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday and don’t care. And you aren’t social anymore because you are in bed by 7 p.m.. Does any of this sound familiar?

The parenting clock went very, very, very slowly for me at the beginning. The first few months were a blur of sleepless nights, trying to figure what was going on, and trying to “keep it together”. I had to remind myself that what I was experiencing was, surely, temporary.  I found myself shifting from one temporary phase to the next. The What-Am-I-Doing phase to the I’m-Never-Going-to-Get-a-Full-Night’s-Sleep-Again phase to the If-I-Have-to-Carry-the-Car-Seat-One-More-Time-My-Arm-Is-Going-to-Break phase, and so on. It took my first child six months to sleep through the night and my second nearly a year. Within a week of each child sleeping through the night, I almost forgot what it was like to be awakened in the middle of the night multiple times. How is that possible when it seemed like forever when it was happening?

The parenting clock started to speed up as my children grew. It continues to go faster and faster as they age. When my first son turned one I reflected on the year that was.  My husband and I were drinking some Sparkling Apple Cider in celebration of our achievement–surviving the first year and it was one of the first times I felt I had an opportunity to reflect on what had just happened.  The reflection prompted me to want to look forward and more importantly, what do we–my husband and I–want to happen next for our child and our family?

I think it is common, or more common than we might want to believe, that parenting can often feel like it is happening to you than you making it happen. There is so much to adjust to and think about, prepare for, execute on. It’s amazing to me, there’s enough time left over for us to try keep ourselves sane. It is exhausting.  A lot of time it can feel like all you can do is react, because everything is new.

Have you celebrated your (and your spouse or partner) celebrated any parenting milestones? Successfully swaddling the baby to sleep, the baby sleeping through the night, or your child’s birthday?  These are great opportunities to not only celebrate you and your significant other, but also provides you with a chance to reflect on what has happened and what is next–what do you see happening next in your child’s development, what do you see if you and your partner’s role?

How are you taking control of your parenting journey?