When was the last time you got into a disagreement with a good friend?

My oldest and his best friend got into a disagreement. I only know this because my son wanted to talk to me when he woke up (and when my oldest wants to talk you know something is on his mind). I asked him what was going on. “We got into a fight. I don’t think I owe him an apology and don’t think did anything wrong.”

I listened to his side of the story. His best friend and he were going to hang out after work. My son got an offer from a co-worker (his age) to do something after work. My son let his best friend know his plans had changed and they likely wouldn’t be able to hang out (several hours before they were supposed to meet). He thought it wasn’t a big deal and his best friend wouldn’t care, but it did matter because when my son reached out to tell his best friend to have a good time with someone else the following day his best friend replied, “screw you.” Clearly his friend was hurt.

We talked about changing roles and if he were his friend and his friend him would he have felt the same — hurt. Possibly, my son said. Had he thought about why he was digging in to not apologizing to his best friend — was it the need to be right? Or he really didn’t think he’d done anything wrong? We talked about he and his friend nearing a crossroads in their lives — the end of high school and their lives possibly taking them different places. It can be an unsettling time — what does the future hold, what will happen with the friendship that has meant so much, and what if this person is no longer in my life?

Growing up, becoming more independent, and figuring out who you are can feel scary and overwhelming at times, and the realization that you’ll be soon leaving the cocoon of youth terrifying and exciting.

I offered some different ways my son can try to work through this issue with his friend without necessarily apologizing — ‘you seem upset and I want you to better understand why, let’s talk when you’ve cooled down (or are ready).’ We talked about the need in any relationship to have hard conversations to gain better insight and find a path to resolution — whether that means the relationship stays in tact or not.

Losing a friend is always hard, fighting for a friendship (or relationship) can be harder, but you typically have a sense for the ones worth making the effort to save — whether you apologize or just hear each other out. Respecting each other enough to work through your differences and make it through to the other side.

How do you resolve issues with a friend (or spouse)? How are you helping your child when they have disagreements with their friend(s)?

I will be off next week celebrating Easter with family and friends and return in April.